Why do you have more than 1 child?

[stressteddy]

I just wondered
I have one and am contemplating another but as an only child I can't see anything wrong with my ds being an only one
When I mention it to people though a lot of them seem so sad that I might not have more
Is it soooooo much harder/easier with 2?
V. interested so please let me know

checked thread and it was happystory who said that about more relationships in a family of 4-thanks for that,nice thought!.
Good luck stressteddy with your decision-it eats you up doesn't it?!-like you said, lack of suport i think does weigh the decision in favour of stopping at one for a lot of people,certainly for me.And it's very sensible,we've got to keep ourselves afloat and sane for our first-borns don't we,and make sure we have enough energy too.I am of those who have enough enthusiasm/energy for multiple kids,plus jobs
and pets even...hat off to you all and a big hug for all your support.
given me plenty of food for thought too.
i could do a long post about the effects of being an only,for my DD in 5,10,or 50 years time,just to soothe ungratefuldaughter's obvious uninformed mind(only heard only horror stories and rumours obviously)-but got to go do some work now!-all i can say is ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES FOR BOTH DECISIONS,THAT IS ALL IV'E CONCLUDED!...please let us know what you decide stressteddy,although it could take a while(took me about 2 years so far,and no nearer,more inclined to stick at one after HOURS AND HOURS OF WEB RESEARCH ON ONLIES!.
Glad you are all happy with your multiples though
all the best

no not misinformed - been there and all by myself

just to say to ungratefuldaughter-it was not sad for me as an only and from my research,many other onlies feel the same.
Us onlies have many extra advantages in our lives/personalities,that siblinged people don't have(not materialistically either!).Also,i realize,siblinged people have extra advantages to onlies...you see two sides to a coin.
Us onlies,however,do not go round judging those who have chosen to have more,whilst not knowing the other person's situation(many of which are not suited to bringing another child into the world,which IMHO is a very unselfish thing to consider!).
You are a mother yourself and know how much guilt we all carry everyday,everything we do or don't do for our kids brings guilt.Is it polite to add to another mother's guilt..no it isn't.!!
admire you for considering your children's futures.But us onlies are also doing just that too!!

sorry ungrateful,i understand how you must feel,were you an only then?-one of the unhappier ones and longed for a brother or sister(which i did not)?.I can see how that would affect your decision to have another.
It's just that people are really looking for
support in whatever they decide,and for simply the reasons why someone has one or,more.Your reply seemed to imply people choosing to have one,was doing wrong by their children,well that's how i took it!

For us, I felt that having just our DD I would put too much pressure on her to fulfill my ambitions for her, and that would be too much for any child to live up to. For example I was bitterly disappointed when she gave up ballet, aged 5, as it was something I'd enjoyed all my life and she seemed to have the talent I lacked. But then DS1 and DS3 both took it up and it was a different experience.

Also I don't like other people's children and had visions of having to take friends on holiday etc to keep her company. We took my cousin out to Thorpe Park for the day when she was 8 and instead of running off to play like me and my brother would have done she just hung around us all day. Given free choice in the cafe she asked for a pot of tea

It's individual choice though isn't it? We had 4 under 6 at one point. Now we've got teens plus a new baby. That wouldn't suit everyone. Wouldn't life be boring if we were all the same?

happyathome, on the selfish issue, imo having children is a selfish act in itself...I mean, we do it for us anyway , not the Kid...so, but on the other hand it would possibly be equally selfish not to have any Kids...as in a society point of view...so...another case of damned if you do and damned if you don't, lol!

On ungratefuldaughter...a friend of mine was an only child and the way I understand only children were the norm on both sides of her family, which meant that she was pretty young when the only person left in her family was her....she made up for it by having 7 children off her own
I am sure there are moments when she wished there was siblings, or whatever....but don't think she begrudged her parents for making the choice of just having one child....I think her situation was special, because it was over generations, so, no family left, if that amkes sense, but that is rarely the case, I would think....often you will have aunts and uncles/cousins etc....left!

Can I just say I am loving the way this thread has gone?
It is just so terribly interesting to hear all of these reasons and rationale - many of which I had never considered before
Wow, motherhood- full of surprises is it not?
Thank you to all
x

Cos I weaned DD1 off the boob and conceived DD2 before I had time to blink. 14 month gap, only coming out of the fog recently, as DD2 21 months.
I beat myself up every single day about having no. 3. No rush as only 32, though DH nearing 40 and terrified of having 3 DDs running (or should that read ruining ?) his life !
TBH, very glad DD2 came along like she did, as don't know how anyone ever decides when to have a second. I certainly worried about how I could possibly love another baby as much.
Rx

Haven´t read all these messages but ds will be 5 this year and just after he was born I vowed that he would be an only child and refused point blank to have any more. Suddenly, last year, I was blindsided by the fact that I wanted another one and for the life of me I can´t explain why I just do - hence that´s why you´ll see me on the ttc threads

ooh stress, there is one reason that hasn't hit your thread yet. I have a chum who had a little boy. Chum was chuffed but secretly and in her heart of hearts, she wanted a girl.

So she had a second child hoping for a girl. Another boy.

In for a penny, in for a pound, there must be some economies of scale, let's try for a girl again.

You guessed it. Another boy. She's given up trying now ...

right now i have no bloody idea

Think it's a tough decision but even harder for those of us whose only way of conceiving is to hit the IVF clinic, take countless injections and horrid drugs....oh and pay 5k for the privelege rather than just having sex.

Ok I will stop being self pitying. You guys who can conceive accidentally are very lucky indeed - although I'm sure it didn't always feel like it with tiny age gaps!

But seriously, for anyone with fertility problems or a history of miscarriage and as has already been said who has had a traumatic birth, it can be hard to look beyond the short term hurdles.

I think this is my problem when trying to work out if I want to try and have another! It is so complex and I wish I just had a more straightforward decision to make!

I think the age gap between kids must be crucialto the experience - I must look up some of those old threads on this as it will help me decide if/ when to go again.

Ds is 2 so I'm definitely not in for a small gap.

Both dp and I both have several siblings so it never occurred to us to just have one. Having two ds's close together is great. Now that ds2 is walking and mobile we are full time referees cos theres a lot of fighting or sitting on each other. They always have some one to play with. Yes its a lot harder with two but then you get twice the rewards and twice the love back from them.

Ungratefuldaughter....you clearly feel v strongly about this from personal experience. Do you think there are things that your parents could have done, or ways in which they could have arranged life differently so that you felt happier in your life? And was the cause of all your ungratefulness your only-child status? There have been many MN-ers on previous threads about enfants unique who said that they were - and are - happy, and that their parents were mindful of making sure they had close relationships with other cousins, freinds, etc.

SO much angst wrung out in therapy sessions around the land seems to focus on jealousies of siblings, insecurities around siblings apparantly prioritised, pressure of being the eldest, neglect of being the youngest, invisibility of being in-between (or whatever...) that I wonder whether any one way of making a family can be guaranteed to make people happier than any other.

As a parent of a single child, I think I do a pretty good job of making sure he is happy, stable, well-socialised and having the world in perspective. I think I would make more than one child happy, too. And maybe you would have been as equally unhappy in a bigger family. If your parents didn't make you happy enough to feel grateful, maybe they wouldnt have made you feel any more grateful as part of a bigger family?

stressteddy - they just get normalised if there are more of them - you know, corners knocked off a bit. All singletons I know are like mini adults and misfits. Sorry, probably going to cause a storm by saying this, but that is just in my experience.

1 to 2 ' hardest ' jump imo...after that it's like falling off a log ....I'm on no6 now !!!

And there I was , being all nice and fair about people who slag off parents with only children.....

Oh well.

Definitely easier to have more.

I have one daughter, and two stepsons who don't live with us all the time. The children are far less bother when one or more of the boys is around - they all play together. Yesterday we were all out at my sister's (three children) and we didn't have to bother with the six of them at all

Blu, Mars - I am soooo sorry, please don't cry. All generalisations are bound to miss out those individuals who break the mould. Am not dissing singltonism (!) - really I'm not. Family and friends with just one are in that position because of fertility issues, though some have just chosen to have one. But the poster asked a question and I posted in all honesty what I have observed in all the ones I know and "to a man", they have isshhooos. Please forgive me for talking out of turn if I did. I can't bear tears even if they are virtual ones.