My screaming baby is ruining everything :(

[endofmytetherstether]

Please help.
DS (5.5 months) has been a very difficult baby from birth. He only has two moods - smiley and content (which is lovely) and completely inconsolable and screaming. Unfortunately he is almost always the latter apart from some smiley hours in the morning.
He screams his head off and cries almost constantly. He is so fucking grumpy. It's got to the point where I don't attend baby classes or NCT gatherings because he blows his top so completely. I've had people in coffee shops and restaurants tell him to shhh! It's mortifying and means I am frightened to go on public transport - I live in central Manchester and don't drive so rely on trams and trains to get around but I dread it because he gets so furious so quickly.
I have no chance to get to him before he blows his lid - he will be asleep in the sling or the pram and will wake up and be full on furious almost immediately. When he gets so angry he won't feed properly.
My DP and I are constantly on edge and arguing because DS screams even more with him than he does with me, so our evenings and weekends are just spent passing a screaming baby back and forth. I end up in tears almost every night because it's so exhausting and wears me down. It's destroying our relationship. We love our son but he has brought no pleasure to our lives as all he does is cry.
I thought he would get better as he got older but it isn't really improving at all.

I don't want to drip feed - I have tried he following:

• cranial osteopathy - did nothing
• he has been medicated for silent reflux for months but doesn't seem to have made any difference - he is on omeprazole (sp?) but really the GP did it on spec to see if that was causing it. He doesn't seem to be in pain, he's just grumpy.
• he is EBF. I cut or gluten and egg and dairy for six weeks. Made no difference at all.
• I am very strict about his naps and he is a goodish napper so I don't think he's overtired
• I tried baby massage but he hates it
• he is an OK sleeper, wakes several times a night but that's to be expected with babies
• he has toys and I try to spend lots of time talking to him but he just cries and gets angry
• we leave the house every day for fresh air and a walk
• he likes the sling to sleep but once he's awake he hates it

I just feel so defeated. He has broken my spirit. I want so badly to be a good mum and to enjoy my time with him. But he is miserable and so are we. Please help.

if you try bottle feeding, put a little baby rice in there to bulk up the milk

Do not under any circumstances do this. It is a massive asphyxiation risk.

This was me. This was my baby - this was him, this was him, this was him!!!!!!! I tried everything. Literally, any and all suggestions. Everything. All advice.....it was just him and his personality. It's better now, but I was a social recluse for the first few years of his life because he had to be in constant motion, hated being sat down or indoors. It gets better.

Please please refer yourself to Homestart.

Your volunteer will visit for 3-4 hrs a week. This will give you a break, someone to vent to, and practical support.
If you're , understandably, finding this bit of your child's life so very hard, reach out for support.
You deserve it.

You have our sympathy and understanding OP.
Very few people realise how bad it can actually be and HCP's are often very dismissive.
Ds2 was bad, but not quite as bad as your ds, but he bought me to my knees, literally. I was sobbing because I couldn't take any more.
I did wean him early, and things got a tiny bit better and now he's a treasure.

Thank you soooo much everyone. This thread has really saved my sanity this week.

For those who had babies like this, were you still able to bond with them? I am really struggling with the thought that while I do everything possible to care for DS I don't love him the way I thought I would/should... sometimes I just want to scream back at him. My DP and I just feel like we're gritting our teeth and getting through it because we wanted a baby so much, how can we feel so disconnected from him? Poor little baby.

I really struggled to bond with my screamer. I considered going back to work early to get away from her. It felt like a life sentence. The first year of her life was the worst year of mine and I was genuinely worried at one point that I might hurt her. But our particular screaming situation was VERY bad and I had no family help at all and no Homestart in our area.

We have a great relationship now though and doesn’t seem to have suffered - but my tolerance for any sort of whining or loud or repetitive noise is almost zero and I’m pretty sure I’ve got PTSD. I have to work very hard at not flying off the handle if she’s being a bit whiny.

I’m not someone who has ever been prone to mental health struggles and have always been fairly laid back but it goes to show that a screaming baby can fuck anyone up good and proper.

Tether I struggled to bond with DD, I think it got much better around the 3 month mark for me in terms of bonding when she started getting more interactive (she is 4 months now), but everyone is different, and when she's having her hours on hours of screaming fits and crying all day I still feel really unhappy with her. DH and I have both loudly said "SHUT UP" and other things and I've sat in tears whilst she's crying saying "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" and things that I would never have imagined saying to a baby. But she doesnt understand anyway and talking is a safe way to get the frustration out after all! There was another poster on this thread earlier saying they had shouted at their baby a few times in one car journey. If you haven't shouted at them yet you are doing amazing, I'm sure many people have been like me and the other poster but don't dare admit to it for fear of being judged. After all if you haven't had a crier you can't possibly imagine what it is like!!

Summer I'd perservere with Water Babies if they're happy in the water you know. DO you have a partner or other relative or friend who could come with you to help change them? DD is the same, she's ok in the class - she cries a bit sometimes but there's another baby there that cries more than her in the water who cried all the way through last week's class and they had to leave early, I felt for them so much - but afterwards she screams like no other baby, I know what you mean about them all laying lovely on the mat getting changed, then there's my DD screaming at the top of her lungs and wriggling so it takes much longer too. But the other parents seem sympathetic. I go with DH so we have an action plan to make it less stressful - he goes in the water with her so then he showers her afterwards, I wait outside the men's changing rooms and take her off him in her towel and into the womens where I dry and change her into her clothes whilst he showers himself and gets himself ready. We shower her after but she screams when he wash and change her at home so we figure might as well get it over with at swimming then she doesn't need another wash as we only bath her once a week anyway. It is stressful but worth it for the actual class which she doesn't scream in and it's nice to share that time with her doing something she seems to vaguely enjoy.

Also loads of people are going on about weaning but other posters have testified that weaning made no difference to their crying babies, I think that is a bit of a myth to be honest. I was a crier too and weaning made no difference to me and I was weaned from about 4 months. 5.5. months is basically weaning age anyway but I just wouldn't put your hopes up that it will help as it may not.

We should start that support thread. I can start it but where shall I? Parenting? Chat? MENTAL HEALTH?! Haha.

My dd was like this.

Op, have you noticed a pattern of it happening when he wakes in a light room ?? With dd I realised if she woke in a room that was dark she'd be fine. It was the sharp wake up dhe didnt cope with.

So we kept her in a dark room for naps and allow her to wake, I even had a dark, muslin to cover her for sling naps. It really was a life saver.

Meadow we are both doing to classes at the moment as my husband is taking mornings off so he goes in the water with her. He won’t be able to have mornings off work anymore though so I will be on my own. I’m going to see how the next few weeks go and considering signing up, it’s more of an anxiety thing for me at the moment. There are Saturday classes available so may look into this so we can both go! We do like our existing class though so not sure I want to change swim teachers.

Haha maybe parenting? Then other people with screamers will know where to look

Yes really struggled to bond with my screamer, your not alone with that one. Both me and my husband have been exactly where you are and it also puts a strain on the relationship above and beyond the new baby thing. We are now at 13m, sons much better and our relationship is getting back to normal. I absolutely adore my son now & have that bond I was expecting, like pp has said our tolerance level for whinging is much much lower now BUT it is normally just whinges now and not screams!

If you spent 24/7 with another human who behaved like that you would go crackers so give yourself abit of slack, it genuinely does get better as time goes on, parenting is still hard work but once you get some real feedback it.meltd your heart. You are just in the really really crap bit right now x

@TulipsInBloom1

if you try bottle feeding, put a little baby rice in there to bulk up the milk

Do not under any circumstances do this. It is a massive asphyxiation ris

“Massive asphyxiation risk”
Really? Any evidence?

In any event this is a 5.5 month old baby. Most nearing weaning or trying already

Feel for you OP my son is the same at 10 weeks and bf'ing is the only thing to calm him (temporarily) Unfortunately he also does explosive poos most feeds. So was at a centre dealing with PND today while my son screamed the place down, bf'd to calm him and then he shit straight out of his nappy up his back, resumed screaming unless a nipple was in his mouth and finally screamed the whole walk back. Life is great 👍

I found it a struggle to bond, I knew I loved dd and would do anything to keep her safe but there were times when I was furious with her for constantly crying 😓 it was really hard.

Going back to work helped (dd was 7 months) and getting into a Gina ford style routine also helped (I def felt more in control and dd seemed more relaxed if she knew what was coming next iyswim) but mainly dd getting bigger and more interesting was generally the main thing that helped with bonding!

Oh bless you, my ds who’s now nearly 9 screamed from the moment he was born for a good few years solid, really until he could communicate with words. He’s a very emotional child but learning to manage it much better now, though he’s still prone to strops and foul moods if tired or irritable. He was a high maintenance screechy baby and it got to the point where I just avoided taking him anywhere if I had the option. To make it worse all my friends had daughters who were placid, sociable and laid back, just to really highlight how very difficult my very bad tempered baby was! He’s now mostly absolutely delightful, but I remember those times painfully. You’ll get through it, those early years fly 💐

Early YEARS! God no offence MrsRoy but your post fills me (and I’m sure OP) with utter dread!

Just to offer a handhold. It's so exhausting. Crying usually decreases with developmental progress. Some babies just hate being so trapped in little bodies that thay can't do much with and life must be very frustrating for them. Hopefully being able to sit/crawl/walk will give him a more positive outlook. Till then, I'd put him in the sling, get some headphones and go for a long long walk. There's not always something you can do to fix stuff. It's then about keeping yourself in one piece whilst you wait for it to pass. Good luck

My son was a preemie with reflux and premature lungs and needed oxygen but he screamed bloody murder for eight months straight but he would take two naps in daytime and sleep at night-my pediatrician tutted at me to lay him down and walk away but it didn’t help-I tried different formulas to stop colic and he was on a soy based formula which helped his colic but he still screamed it was rough and then literally one day it was like a lightbulb switch came on and he started smiling and cooing. Beats me how or why but he was so smiley he did some modeling. All I can say is good luck it’s tough but does get better

A bit of baby rice at nearly six months won’t hurt and may help. I feel your pain still pain op and mine is now nearly 9yo. It’s so hard.

Oh op, I’m out the other side now but my daughter was just as you describe and it was a living hell. GPS advice was “babies cry” (yeah, no shit). But she was my third so I knew what was happening wasn’t the norm.
She grew out of it but the damage to my mental health lasted a long time. I wonder if your little one could do with am medication increase? X

but my tolerance for any sort of whining or loud or repetitive noise is almost zero and I’m pretty sure I’ve got PTSD.

God, this is me, 100%

Op I struggled to bond in the early days, felt I was going through the motions of caring for her but it all felt surreal.

I definitely love her now though. I can’t remember when it came exactly, it was just suddenly there

I'm sorry if you've already addressed this (the thread is quite long and I've lost track) but have you been assessed for PND as you are struggling to bond?

I was the opposite with my screamer, I was overly bonded and felt 100% responsible for her at all times and therefore hugely guilty that she was so unhappy. Looking back, I probably had undiagnosed post-natal anxiety.

Have you got to the stage of auditory hallucinations of screaming when your baby is silent? I think that's when I should have sought out medical help!

All of my unhelpful though patterns went away when she started sleeping properly and screaming less. It really is enough to drive you to insanity. Hang on in there!

And for reassurance these are things she used to scream about and how she is now as a tween:

Then, screamed at being changed
Now, loves putting on different outfits

Then, screamed if water touched her
Now, loves baths and swimming

Then, screamed through baby massage classes
Now, asks for a foot rub

Then, refused dummies (by screaming of course)
Now, sucks her thumb ()

Then, screamed in the car
Now, loves trips out

Then, screamed in the buggy
Now, loves bike rides and scooters

Then, screamed when anyone held her at not the absolute perfect angle, position and altitude
Now, loves cuddles

Then, screamed if left alone
Now, loves company

Then, screamed at loud noises
Now, loves loud music

Then, screamed at silence
Now, fills silence with chat

Then, screamed when put to bed
Now, can't get her out of it in the mornings!

Anyway, you get the idea. Now she only screams at me when I have the temerity to tell her what to do. How very dare I? Don't I understand she has, like, hormones?

It will get better. Promise, promise, promise.

And before you know it you'll be back here reassuring someone else that this too shall pass.

Thanks everyone (have reported last comment as spam).

@kitchen I haven't been asssssdd for PND. Sometimes I do wonder whether that's it or whether I'm just worn down from months of screaming and constant crying (his and mine!!). Maybe will speak to dr about it. Your list of how things change made me smile this morning, I so so hope this will get better... DS currently lying in my arms feeding ohnand off and when he is not screaming I do love him... but the second his little face goes red and his fists clench up I just think no no no no no Christ not again.

Oh I have definitely shouted at him out of frustration not sure he's ever heard me over his own screams!

Your post bought it all back OP, so sorry you’re going through this, it is exhausting and so so stressful. My son was very similar, he was such a screamy baby it was awful, we tried everything you have.
Baby walker really helped (probably/definitely had him in one far too early but it worked for him).
In case it makes you feel better; although he was a very difficult baby he has was lovely as a child and has been a dream of a teenager (18 now so hopefully if he was going to change he would have done by now!)
Good luck I hope things start to improve for you soon, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, although I know it must feel like a long tunnel at the moment. Be kind to yourself, get out with him if you feel able to, even if it’s just for a walk round the block. Talk to your HV, there may be some extra support they can suggest It will get easier x