"We shouldn't tell new parents what life is like after the birth, it'll only scare them"...

[fillyjonk]

said a high-ranking NCT co-volunteer to me today

I think this is crappy on so many levels

If we can prepare women for the birth, an intense and highly subjective experience, then SURELY we can prepare them for life with a newborn. Breastfeeding classes (and I mean a proper in depth course, NOT a half hour slotted into the NCT classes, tricks for soothing a screaming baby, a proper discussion of depression/isolation etc etc after birth...NONE of these are really covered properly in NCT classes, let alone NHS classes.

Oh I dunno, what do you all think?

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I agree on the bf - it was all the bloody day long some days and then all night. I then felt a failure for not getting the house sorted and a dinner on the table. Getting dressed would have been nice as well. My mum told be labour didn't hurt that much. I'm still waiting to shove a watermelon up her jacks and berate her for "complaining" as it couldn't have hurt that much

Oh but filly if it hurts there's something wrong
Hence a load of mothers going "Well if I'm doing it wrong, I may as well give up..."
In the absence of anyone to turn to, of course.
On MN the advice is: if it hurts, get someone in to see the latch and help correct it - great advice.
In RL it's a bit more random

MellowMa - shit - how so??? I would be really surprised if you were a shit mother

I think it would be really useful to be told at least some of the broad stuff - we got a brief warning about how we might feel sad and not really love our babies, but I wish someone had said 'if you are really miserable about it all, that is very probably normal. If you are utterly miserable all the time, you need help', or something along the same lines.

I spent most of the first few months of DD1's life feeling very guilty that (a) I wasn't happy (b) I was still really fat.

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Mellowma,I had the same experience as you,but with all 3 boys.That makes me 3x the shitty mother you are doesn't it?
Biggest regret (3 regrets) of my life but I refuse to believe it makes us worse mothers than anyone else.
So stop that mad talk at once,'k?

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(I can't read them either.After I failed the third time,after having undiagnosed thrush for 2 days,I was sitting giving ds3 a bottle and a woman next to me was breastfeeding hers and I had to get up and leave because I couldn't bare to watch.I was so jealous I wanted to stick a fork in her head.)

There you go,Shit Mother would have got the kids a little pissed and gone to granny's herself!

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booboobedoo, i completely agree, was expecting much worse from birth and childcare (so far) after reading MN, and I'm glad it;s this way round
Have been lucky though

I know how you feel (having had a shitty b/f experience myself.) The guilt has gone now becasue I know I didn't know. That's why I'm so cross about the idea of not telling people something approaching the truth.
Sorry you feel so shit, though - you know you're not, don't you? (Both of yoU!)

Goodness lulumama by the sound of it I think NCT trainers sound like they should be training with CBI instead

So Filly,

Not to hijack, but What IS life like after the birth?

Seriously, I've heard mad, lonely, painful, exhausting. BFeeding is hard, prepare for no sleep, etc.

I can't really prepare for no sleep, I have to pee all night. Can't prepare for BF other than buying a couple of books and a good BF pillow.

What strategies for coping to you suggest?

I was really hoping to spend the entire time feeling euphoric and amused at all the fuss!

MrsM....one of the major reasons i decided against training with the NCT was the complaints i heard, when i did a straw poll of people...about the lack of realism, about the chances of a c.s or of struggling to breasfteed......

so, yes, i agree !!

Pruuni,get the occasional pang and I will always regret it,even though logically I know I couldn't have tried harder.And my god,I tried harder with each baby.
BUT,there is more to mothering I think.

I agree with Filly - I make a point of telling people who ask me how it really is -there is no point in lying or breezing through it. The first three months are pretty much hell and its worth bearing in mind that sleep deprevation is used as a form of torture by some governments so that's an indicator of what it can do to a person!!!

I can remember being really stressed out about b/feeding and being given impression by a friend that she never had any probs.....wasn't until she had second DC that she said oh b/feeding easier this time around and I'm like arrggh - why didn't you tell me it was hard first time around!! I hate all this breezing through it crap....creates false expectations and sets women up for PND (which I had) imho....

DivaSkyChick - life after the birth is different for each women. The only advice I would ever give anyone is to ensure you have the maximum amount of help possible. Doula, cleaner, whatever it takes to keep you rested and relaxed. When people come over with with champagne and lovely presents, make them cook their own lunch. I am a total believer in those cultural tradtions which says new mothers shouldn't lift a finger for the first few months.

Yep, my experience absolutely backs up the OP.

I've had blistered nipples, feeding every 2 hours for 24 hours, would only sleep in my arms, wouldn't sleep in his car-seat or his pram, but...

I was bracing myself for possible PND, not being able to bond, an emergency caesarian, not being able to BF...

Having all that experience on tap for so long meant that I knew that even if these things happened, they'd pass, and I could do motherhood.

Obviously the NCT classes couldn't be as in-depth as MN, but I certainly think it's a good idea to give Mums-to-be more preparation.

And actually I've loved every nipple-wrenching, sleep-deprived minute so far...

Divaskychick
You can prepare for b/f by now getting the numbers of counsellors in your area and perhaps meeting one of them to get some pointers but mainly to have the psychological back-up of knowing that should you need help (and here's hoping you don't) you will have a name and a face already there and it won't be another new experience at a time of nothing but new experiences.

Also, just asking people what they wish they'd known - and then when your time comes, remembering what they said and thus having a better idea of what normal is - there's a vast range of experience that's normal but if you don't know what that is then it can be madder than it need be.

As an example, my parents both told me (in an offhand sort of way) that I was a very sicky baby for 9 months. Hence when ds was very sicky right from day 1, I knew that was ok, and didn't go running to the dr worried about reflux, like a couple of people I knew did. So something that would have complicated life at a time when it's already quite weird was crossed off the list.

I think the problem is that nothing can prepare you for birth or life after birth. I heard/read it all - about labour, about breast-feeding, about babies and toddlers - the good stuff and the bad - but words like "love", "depression", "frustration" "tired" "relentless" "joy" "pain" all meant different things before I had kids. My whole language changed. I know some people hate to hear this argument and I know I can't necessarily extrapolate my own experience to others but I have often said to myself "how come no-one told me" and then I've thought about conversations I had, books I had read, and realise that they did - as best they could.

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I agree Hatwoman. That's exactly what I found.