Don't want to breastfeed.....

[Zaplolly]

Hi everyone!
I'm 25 weeks and have made the decision not to breastfeed when I have my baby. It's my decision but I feel like I'm being to made guilty by not even trying.... did anyone else just go straight to FF? Did you try in the beginning? Is it wrong to not want to?
It's not that I don't want the connection with my baby, just the following reasons-
-they need feeding much more frequently, which can be exhausting through the night
-it is very draining both mentally and physically for Mum
-it hurts
-I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public
-can be trying to do it for potentially hours at a time
-no involvement for Dad/freedom for Mum
-can't measure how much baby is drinking on each feed
Would love to hear everyone's thoughts
Thanks x

RLOU30 I didn't claim that breastfed babies have no risk of wind - surely all babies get wind?! - merely that formula is more likely to cause constipation specifically than bf - which is true, likely due to the extra iron in formula. Also saying 'all babies will enjoy water" is a massive generalisation! I can assure you that mine didn't!

i have a 2 year old and and exspecting again in about 10 weeks and i didnt want to breastfeed then and dont now. I also felt a bit of pressure for not even trying but try to just brush it off. My little girl Matilda is perfectly happy and normal and has always been well up to standards at checks etc. I see all the benefits with breastfeeding but dont see any many floors in formula either. The choice is there, its yours to make and thag should be made by you and your family only.

-they need feeding much more frequently, which can be exhausting through the night This doesn’t last for long. By week 4 I was feeding just twice at night.
-it is very draining both mentally and physically for Mum It was never mentally draining. Where did you get this idea? I never felt physically drained either. You just sit there!
-it hurts Yes, for the first few weeks (5 for me, but that’s unusual). It never hurt again after that initial period.
-I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public You don’t have to. I did, but never felt anyone was watching. You can cover up so well people can’t see a thing or can even tell you are feeding.
-can be trying to do it for potentially hours at a time This doesn’t last long either.
-no involvement for Dad/freedom for Mum. Expressing is an option and there’s plenty more dad can do.
-can't measure how much baby is drinking on each feed. You know your baby gets enough by measuring growth/weight and wet nappies!

The bond I had and have with my daughter is just wonderful. I don’t think our bond would have the same depth if I had bottle fed. All my sisters bottle fed and certainly didn’t seem to be as close to their children, even though they do adore them of course.

Oh, and has time moves on breastfeeding is much, much easier and convenient than bottle feeding. Who wants the hassle of preparing bottles?

If you don't want to bf then don't-you don't have to have a reason more than that you don't want to. And you will be none of a significant majority in the U.K. But the reasons you give in your post are actually largely misapprehensions.

Your baby your way OP
However I would maybe think about having a go for her first feed when you have just because it's liquid gold at the beginning & really is beneficial to baby.

We are TTC baby 2 at the moment & I am going to breastfeed at the beginning and then after a few days express so dad can feed and bond with baby more :)

OP - who had given you those reasons? Sounds like a list straight from an unsupportive MIL (or mum).

I didn't plan to breastfeed until I went to antenatal classes. Then I changed my mind. There's no harm in giving it a try.

I FF DS1 after lots of issues (was breastfed exclusively for 3weeks), he had meningitis at birth and I was unwell.
He woke every 45mins until 11months, bad at napping, he developed an allergy to cmp by 8weeks and reflux.i hated making formula, sterilising etc.

DS2 exclusively breastfed, has a bit of pain for a few weeks, slept amazingly until 4months 🤦🏼‍♀️, feeds a lot at night for comfort but I could probably work on that if I could be bothered to get out of bed. Yes he is fairly tied to me although can go for 5-6hours without a feed during the day, I do drink and going back to work when he is 1.

Your reasons for not wanting to breastfeed are not all true, equally if you don’t want to do it..don’t. As long as you know the pros and cons of both and can make an informed decision

Please do not buy a perfect prep machine - the shot of water that is supposed to sterilise the powder does not keep its temperature for long enough as it's in a much small amount.

I tried to bf DD for three awful days. I hated it, it hurt no matter what we tried, she wasn't getting enough, and it was pushing me into PND. I resented her and wanted to run away every time she cried. So I stopped and went onto FF. Apart from CMPA (which she would've had anyway if I'd carried on bf) we never had any problems, and now she's a perfectly healthy 4yo. I did express for a couple of weeks but my supply slowly dried up.

I agreed to feed DS for 1 day for him to get the colostrum, then I said I'd had enough and put him onto formula. Didn't express at all. He's 9 weeks and very happy. So am I.

If bfing works then great. If it doesn't, it's fine. It lasts for such a short time in the grand scheme of things anyway, and any bollocks about not bonding can fuck off - I've got a great bond with both DD and DS regardless of how they were/are fed.

"OP - who had given you those reasons? Sounds like a list straight from an unsupportive MIL (or mum)."
Actually it sounds like a list straight from Mumsnet. But hey, let's get a bit of mil/older woman bashing in while we can!

@SentToTheSynByn I think the OP can make up her own mind on that. Millions are sold and I love mine baby has ever had any issues. Millions are sold and don't know anyone that's ever had any issues. It's a parents personal choice to use one or not

You've asked if it's wrong not to want to. I think it is. The reasons you have listed are pretty trivial and don't last long. I say this as someone who really struggled with a baby with a viciously hard grip. Agony! But only for a few weeks - followed by a year of free milk and no sterilising. It seemed a small sacrifice to make for my new baby. In fact it didn't feel like a sacrifice at all - I knew it was best for the baby and she was the priority. I did call on every bit of assistance I could though for help!

Also when the baby is asleep you can pretend they are still feeding and stay on the sofa snuggling and watching box sets.

I've never had any issues with my perfect prep machine! I couldn't recommend buying one enough!

It's up to you, of course it is!

I did plan to breast feed, but thought that I would hate it and find it a nuisance, and gritted my teeth to stick at it for the 6 weeks that was said to provide a boost / benefit before transitioning to a bottle.
Actually, once my baby was born breasfeeding started to feellike a natural and obvious thing to do and I loved it.

Other people plan to breastfeed, and then hate it.

I would keep an open mind until your baby is born. You may surprise yourself. As have people who started with the opposite view.

-they need feeding much more frequently, which can be exhausting through the night. I was awake twice to feed in the nigt, same as bottle fed babies, and it was relaxing and easy. I learned to feed lying down after a few weeks
-it is very draining both mentally and physically for Mum I didn't find it at all draining! You can eat loads and lose weight. It was emotionally uplifting!
-it hurts It really didn't hurt - though I know others have a different experience. But it helps to have help and knowledge in advance if your midwives run a feeding clinic.
-I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public I got over this almost immediately!
-can be trying to do it for potentially hours at a time Wasn't my experience!
-no involvement for Dad/freedom for Mum There is SO much Dad can do. Take charge of bath time. Rocking to sleep, Anyway, it's about the baby.
-can't measure how much baby is drinking on each feed No need to . If they are gaining weight at the right speed there is no need at all to monitor the amount.

Going on holiday or for trips was SO simple. It was cheap. As a new Mum it gave me the reason to sit on the sofa and feed. That's what you should be doing with a newborn!

Breastfeeding is easier, but plenty of people FF and there’s nothing wrong with it. You can also Combi feed. Really doesn’t matter as long as your baby is fed

@mrs2468 of course it's parental choice, as is not to breastfeed. It doesn't make it the best choice. Your argument reads like 'I crossed the road with my eyes closed and I'm alright'.

Just to add balance to your robust arguement of 'I don't know anyone that's ever had any issues'

@SentToTheSynByn love the holier than thou attitude. In your opinion it's not best what people choice to use and not use it's up to them they don't need your judgemental comments to make them feel like they have chosen to do something wrong.

By your own reasoning I take it you eat five portions of fruit and veg a day and always stick to the recommend alcohol units.

mrs2468 to be fair, it’s true that perfect preps do not prepare formula to the correct standard deemed safe by WHO and FSA. Whether parents choose to take the risk is obviously up to them, but given the dire potential consequences in the (admittedly rare) event that a batch of formula was contaminated I can see why people might judge other parents for taking that risk. Personally for the sake of boiling a kettle I wouldn’t. I do think the least you can do is formula feed safely. We are lucky that it’s a safe option in the U.K, why make it unsafe?

@Nutkins24 boiling a kettle then waiting on it coiling down and using a thermometer to check it's 70 degrees whilst my baby is screaming no thanks. I get what you say it's my choice to use it but we shouldn't be judging patents for personal choice or telling them what's best for their child when they have already made that decision. The op asked about formula feeding not the prep machine

I know several people who had to stop using p prep machines due to issues with temp of the shot of water

@Nutkins24 what a twatty thing to say!

How on earth is that twatty? Unsafe ff causes illness and in worst cases death in infants, if you were to get a really nasty strain of bacteria. 99% of posters have said that the op should make her own choice and needn't feel guilty either way, inc. me. Another poster bought up perfect prep machines (then ironically had a go at me for mentioning perfect preps ) as they seem to be the ‘answer’ every time someone makes the valid point that ff is actually a lot more faff in the middle of the night that b/f. How is it wrong to point out that they are not actually a safe way of prepping formula? If you are going to choose to ff, choose to do so safely so you are not exposing your child to the very small but very real risk of unsafe formula. As I said we are lucky in this country that formula feeding can be a perfectly safe option, don’t make it unsafe because you can’t be arsed.

Hi can I add my experience as a bf peer supporter, and as a mum who struggled with bf.
I'll go through each of your very valid points.

they need feeding much more frequently, which can be exhausting through the night

Yes some do, not all though. Some bf babies sleep really well. And if you safe cosleep you will get lots of sleep.

it is very draining both mentally and physically for Mum

It could be, or it could be a breeze, no way of knowing really

it hurts

Yes it might be uncomfortable at the beginning, however if the latch is good and baby doesn't have a tongue tie then it should not hurt. If it hurts get help. Keep getting help.

I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public

Fair enough. I didn't either, but actually noone sees anything, and usually noone notices, and the law is on your side.

can be trying to do it for potentially hours at a time

Yep, this could be true, but if you can access help then this is less likely. A few weeks old baby can be a very efficient feeder. I've seen little babies have a great feed in a few minutes.

no involvement for Dad

It depends how you see the care of a new baby, if you see the feeding role as mums, and kind of everything else dad's then it's fine! Dads don't have to feed a baby to bond. They can bath, play, cuddle, sing, change nappies etc. The baby really is still very attached to mum when it's new, it's mum they are expecting. And it's only for the first 6 months, coz then it's adding in food time! So messy and good fun for dads.

freedom for Mum

Yes to an extent. However the bond you feel with your baby, you might not want to be away from them much anyway. The social pressure to 'get back to normal' is ridiculously strong. Imo this is your new normal! Go with the flow and take it easy. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Can't measure how much baby is drinking on each feed

Aha, easy way round this one (and a very common dad complaint)
You measure input by measuring output- ie wees and poos!
If there is a poo each day and lots of wees then they are fine! The baby will tell you when they are hungry and full. You can't overfeed a bf baby.
Yes it's really hard to get your head around trusting your baby, but if you can it's so much easier than remembering ounces etc.
If they are broadly following their weight and height percentile curves then they are fine.

These are all issues that are very common to hear, that's why I've given an experienced bf perspective. However, you are the mum, so you are the boss! You decide what to do, see how it goes and how you feel. Any breastmilk at all is good for the baby.

And you don't need to decide when you are pregnant. Shops are open 24/7 pretty much, so you can buy stuff if you need to after baby arrives.

See how you get on.

The only unsolicited advice I would give is your seek out decent help before baby arrives, if you think you might want to give it a go. It's bloody difficult finding it afterwards when you are tired and hormonal! Beware of night 2 at home, baby will cry lots and you will think you are doing it all wrong. Very very common.

Good luck!