Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

Wow I feel for you, do you think you might be suffering from PND to be feeling like that? It's not unusual to be overwhelmed by all these feelings, you are being pulled in so many directions and it times a while to get used to. Can you talk to your HV or doctor about how you are feeling?

Do you have a partner at home to support you, or are you doing this alone. It wasn't clear in the post.

I can appreciate how hard this part is - it's the toughest. I remember when my husband went back to work after two weeks and I was suddenly left home alone with my two for the first time. I just couldn't work out how I was going to cope. My son was 20 months when my daughter was born and it felt unfair, like I had not given him enough time alone before she came along and that he had high needs still that I could no longer meet because the baby always had to come first.

However it took a few weeks to get into the swing of things and then they gradually started to get a lot better. You have only been going a week(!), don't beat yourself up about not giving enough to your daughter at the moment, even though it is a hard time of adjustment for both of you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply @JeanieLouToo

It really is so reassuring and comforting to hear you say you found it tricky at the start too (though sorry you did). How old are you children now? Do you enjoy having two?

I have a supportive husband who is doing his best. I have amazing parents just around the corner who help however they can. I'm very lucky. But I can't shake this despair and hopelessness and feeling that I just want it all to go away

You're so early on, it gets easier very soon, as feeding settles. Within a week or two, unless you are having a difficult time physically, you can be back out to the woods, with the baby asleep in a sling, and you listening to your dd. Right now you don't know your little boy at all, so it's hard to imagine him being as much a person as your DD is, sooner than you imagine he will also be delighting in puzzles and more. Also, they will be able to take strength and enjoyment from each other.

However, right now you sound more than usually down and need some support - I think you should call your gp or HV right away to discuss pnd. They won't judge you, this is so much more common than you'd think, but they can offer support.

In the meantime, can you speak openly to your DH or your mum? Often family try to be nice by taking away the older dcs, I've had to ask specifically in the past that they occasionally look after the baby for an hour at home so I can take an older child out for a cafe lunch (or even by myself!). You can do it right after a feed, so that even if the baby does cry a little, you know it is full and safe and will ultimately be fine, and you will be getting some time and space. and good luck.

It’s very early days so this could be a case of post-natal blues as you adjust hormonally, physically, and emotionally to life with another baby.

I’d have your mum come and stay with baby while you walk in the woods with your DD. Try and reconnect, even in small ways. It’s not that your disconnected from your DD. I don’t mean to imply this at all. But your relationship with DD has been interrupted by this tiny interloper! You’re mourning the loss of those magical days, which will become magical x 2 before you know it!

It’s an adjustment and a normal one. Just be aware that you could potentially be struggling with PND. So if this feeling persist, then see your GP. I struggled terribly with PND when I had DC2. I sought treatment after several months of waiting for the veil to lift on its own. When it didn’t, the GP offered me a lifeline. So just keep an eye and see if these blues pass off on their own.

If they don’t, be honest with yourself and get help.

Congratulations and may you find peace and light in your days again.

you’re disconnected that should read. Not your.

Well I am glad to hear you have a support network. Definitely use their help as much as you can. I used to leave the children with my husband and have a bath daily in the first year of my daughter's life. It felt like the only way I could get time to myself to relax for a while, otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop myself going to help (although it did get cut short occasionally!). Try and give yourself some time each day to do something you want to do, it really will help you start feeling better.

I also used to take my oldest to do something just us two together once a week or so, too. Even just to pop down to the shop to buy a chocolate bar, a quick trip to the park, occasionally something longer like a trip to the cinema. This helped us have some uninterrupted time together, like we used to. As he got older, he just kept wanting his sister to be there too. It was heart warming to hear that.

My children are 21 months and 3 years old now. So it's almost two years since I was in your position. Life if so different with two, they have such different personalities and both keep me on my toes. What worked for my son doesn't work for my daughter. She has still never slept through the night and he is a brilliant sleeper. You initially think that because you have done it once you know what you're doing now, but I had to reset my expectations and learn all over again with my daughter.

It's harder to get around, harder to keep the house clean, and harder to keep everyone in the house happy all the time. It took me a lot longer to get used to being a mum of two, than it did to get used to having my first baby. But overall I love it now and I wouldn't change it for the world. They have a beautiful relationship, and my son calls her his best friend. They read stories together, and colour together, and sit on the sofa together to watch TV. I love that we brought a little best friend into the world for my son, and that she has him to look after her. Don't get me wrong they do fight and argue regularly!

I really hope you start to fell better soon, and that it's just your hormone levels causing the baby blues or something (I had this for three weeks after the birth). But if you feel that you can't shake the feeling of despair and hopelessness, please go and see a doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and very common to need some extra support.

How many days old is your baby op? Are you still under mw care? I had a 19 month age gap and the first couple of weeks were tough. I found that I missed ds a lot. I was not generally tearful (certainly not compared to when I had ds and cried for days)but I remember bursting into tears when I had fed dd for ages and just wanted to give ds his bath on our own but dd wouldn't stop crying with dp. It's not unusual to feel the change in dynamic but you do sound very down op, I think you need to speak to your mw or gp.

Gosh, i remember those early days. A vivid memory is a couple of days after i gave birth to dd2. The first time my dh left for an hour or so, he left us peacefully tucked up in bed (we co slept). After a few minutes my first dd wanted to fetch something, got up, hurt herself and started to cry, so i got up to comfort her that caused the new baby to cry, within minutes we were all crying!
Believe me though, it does get better. Baby was in a sling and would just be an extra to whatever i did with dd1. We had special dd1 time when baby slept. It doesn't take that long to find a routine that works, but it does feel overwhelming at first.
The other thing i remember is feeling bad that dd2 had to wait sometimes for attention, a thing that my first dd never had to do. Sometimes i'd be painting or cooking with dd1 and the baby would wake up and it wasn't always possible to swoop down within seconds like i did with dd1. She survived perfectly well and they are the best of friends now and enrich each others lives beyond measure.

I felt the same. Really thought I'd ruined dc1s life. But about 5months later they were playing happily together and it all seemed worth it. It will get better.

Also helped at about 3months when Baby got into a routine. I knew he would nap for at least an hour in the morning and I could do fun things with dc1 without the baby.

I remember vividly a day when my second was a baby when I said to my husband ‘I hate this, I hate my life!’ - and I absolutely meant it. It was so relentless and with reflux/colic/whatever was going on at the time, I just felt like I had made a massive mistake. They are now 6 and 3 and whilst it’s never been ‘easy’ they are both fairly sensible kids and they can be distracted with a movie so I can get time to myself when needed. It is SO hard having a toddler and a newborn and the guilt is overwhelming, but I can absolutely promise you that it does get better. Once you are sleeping again, life will instantly improve!
Stay strong OP, get through each day at a time, accept any and all offers of help, and things will be ok.

Thank you all for the support and experiences. I have been coming back to read them and it helps a lot.

My daughter is almost 3, baby is 10 days old.

This afternoon has been better. I have a lot of support from family. Its the mornings that are hard and my husband goes back to work next week and I can't imagine how I'll get us all up and my daughter to childcare (on the days she goes) or just up and doing something happily in the days she isn't. I have this image of everyone just immeasurably unhappy in the house all day!

I suppose I need to stop thinking the worst and just see how it goes though. I am feeling more positive this evening so thank you to everyone who has shared with me.

Can I ask, those with two children, do you ever have days that you are overwhelmed with happiness and so thankful for? Days with the two of them where you wouldn't change it for the world? Days like that were getting more and more with my daughter and I'm so scared I've fucked it all up and resigned us all to a life of difficulty.

Yes, absolutely. Like i said in my pp, they have each enriched each others lives beyond measure. My eldest is a bit of a rule follower and not the most confident, the benefit she reaps from her younger sister's go getting attitude has helped bring her on. And my younger dd learns a lot about kindness and sharing from her older sister. They also are pretty good at sorting out issues that may arise and are both learning to ask for what they want and explain using words when things are not so great. These skills will last a lifetime and are totally transferee life. Honestly the 2 of them really would not be without each other (most of the time) and it's proper wonderful watching them play together or support each other when things are tough.

*transferable for

Hi I had 3 and in hindsight struggled the first days especially - I remember my mum talking about something and all I could feel was an irrational feeling of wanting to leave her (my mum) on the edge of the road so I didn’t have this constant noise. All new mums whether 1st or 10th experience different anxieties and it does take a little time to get to know your new little ones. Sounds like you are happier now but ensure you reach out to family friends health visitor or whoever and ensure you get enough redt

Oh, probably not a full day where I wouldn’t change them for the world - but certainly moments! Look, IMHO having 2 kids is immeasurably harder than 1, especially when one is a toddler and one is a newborn. You have all the stress and none of the good stuff. Expect it to be shit, often, and lower your expectations. My two frequently want to kill each other, but they get a lot from their relationship too - the problem is that you aren’t getting any of that good stuff while your 2nd is so tiny! Don’t ever doubt you have done the right thing in giving your DD a sibling. Don’t compare life now to life before because you will already have your rose tinted glasses on when you look back. Keep the faith OP, life will be different, sometimes worse and sometimes better, but you will be fine and it will all work out!

Absolutely you will have blissful days again. My eldest are now 7, 5 and 3 and they bring me so much joy, from their morning ritual of having breakfast together (absolutely NO adults allowed), to their grins of pride when they've done something heroic like diving to the bottom of the pool, to quiet rainy days when everyone has a cold and we all make a fort near the tv and we all snuggle up inside it under a blanket and watch a movie. We also make a point of special time with each of them, whether that's a bigger occasion like going to a play, or just taking one child only to pop to the supermarket and have a chat.

Of course there are plenty of fusses, and with the more DCs you have one of the harder things to accept is that there will be more waiting on each other, more compromise, less perfectly fulfilling everyone's wishes - and that does mean that for us, I'll have a child in tears at some point of the day. But in return, they are learning patience, turn taking and consideration, and they are really close - they squabble a lot, but never cruelly, and will immediately join forces against anyone (including a parent!) who they think is being mean or unfair to a sibling.

With every DC I have panicked in the early days about how I have ruined one of / all of our lives, and every time it has turned out well in the end. Your family will too.
It sounds like you're feeling a bit better, if you're still down in a week, will you reach out for help to your HV or GP? There is more support out there if you need, for all your sakes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It's so helpful to come on here and read that, not only have people felt the same as I do now, but they've gone on to get through it and enjoy their lives again.

At times like now (when I've just had almost 6 hours sleep!!) I can see it so rationally and be strong minded and think "this is really hard at times but I can get through it". And then at other times I get these overwhelming feelings and I'm just in tears and they won't stop.

I think I'm very anxious about when my husband returns to work as he is out the house from 6:30 a.m to 7:30 pm. But hopefully we can all get in at least somewhat of a routine and muddle through.

@drmelphi I have a two month old and just turned two year old, it does get easier! In the early days of dd2's arrival I felt so bad for dd1 as she looked completely lost now this new baby had arrived. She's accepted now that baby is here to stay, she's showing an interest in her and if anything, she gets more time and attention than her little sis who's quite often left to kick around on her mat.

Right now I feel so happy that we had a second, I feel like it's completed our family and I'm so pleased dd1 will be able to grow up alongside her sibling.

My dh works away In the week so I'm on my own, I'm lucky (at the moment) baby is a good sleeper but I get up at 5.30 to get myself ready before dd2 wakes, then I find it much easier to get on with the morning and out the door to nursery. I do have a lot of help from my parents so take any help you can get to make it easier

Thanks @Beansprout30 that is nice to hear you are feeling positive and your baby is only 2 months old - congratulations

I know all babies are different but do you feel like your dd2 has found any kind of routine yet? I was only thinking today that it doesn't help that I feel so crappy physically in the mornings - as in personal hygiene/appearance wise. I'm still bleeding from the birth so wearing pads and still having night sweats from my milk etc so making myself get up early for a shower etc would probably help lots with my mental health. Thank you.

@drmelphi they a routine as such but there is a pattern coming in her feeding, she's very sleepy in the mornings which is good as it gives me time with dd, she feeds most of the evening and we go up to bed at nine (in order to cope with the early start!)

Hopefully your blood loss will slow and stop soon, I felt disgusting when I was bleeding, different to s period and felt like I could smell myself. Are you breastfeeding?

I always try and get out for a good walk everyday for fresh air and tryibg to get back in some kind of shape, that always lifts my mood too

Sorry for typos, baby is sleeping on my right arm!

Have you got a sling/carrier? Mine has been a godsend for walks to park etc

My son was 3.5 years old when baby number 2 came along and the transition was very hard for me. I missed my son very much because all the quality time I was used to having with him care to an end. I felt exactly like you do. I won’t go into all the details of my own experiences but I cried a lot about the relationship I felt I had lost with my son.

They are 4.5 and 1 now and the love they have for each other is out of this world. I sometimes look at them when they’re playing together and my eyes tear up with happiness. The love I feel when I look at them together is so overwhelming it can’t even be explained. It feels like I’m the luckiest woman in the world, it feels too good to be true.

The first 3 months were probably the hardest and then a routine started to be established, the sleep deprivation ended etc and I was able to carve out more time for just me and son number 1. When my husband used to come home from work I would leave the baby with him and me and my eldest would go for a nice 20-30 minute walk together and it just gave us some quality time together where we could have lovely chats.

Things will get better OP, the way you are feeling is completely normal, but things will get easier over the coming months and as you see their relationship form you will know it’s all been worth it.

Thank you for the encouragement @QueenofmyPrinces - what you describe sounds beautiful.

I'm struggling today because my daughter seems unwell in some way - complaining of feeling sick, really lethargic and tearful a lot of the time. It isn't like her at all. She hasn't been sick and I get the sense that it's psychological. I hope it isn't to do with the changes at home  she has seemed to be struggling somewhat since the school holidays and I wondered if it was to do with the school aged children now being at her childcare all day. I'm just so worried for her.

Anyway, thank you again - I do have a carrier @Beansprout30 and will try and get out there with them both. We've done it a couple of times, me and my husband but I haven't braved it myself yet.

I stopped breastfeeding a few days ago - it doesn't suit me in any way! But I think as my milk is drying up I'm still experiencing sweats and things.

Oh, lovely. I only have one so I have no real advice other than to say I had very similar feelings when I had my DD (worrying I'd ruined my life, messed up something perfect (my marriage) for something that wasn't worth it etc) and I was diagnosed with severe PND at 6 week. The medication and mental health support changed everything for me. If you still feel this way in a week or so, please do speak to your GP or HV because there is help out there.