Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

My two are 15 months apart and it gets easier as they age. They play together and like doing similar or same things so you will more than make up the attention with DC1. It's all swings and roundabouts and your parenting will be more than good enough. Give yourself a big pat on the back, nothing is perfect with parenting.

Yes @peachgreen I had exactly the same with my first - I think it felt worse then than this so that's hopeful in a way. I never accessed mental health services for one reason or another but probably would have been "diagnosable". Part of what worries me now is that I worked so bloody hard and I'm so proud of the attachment we have after going through that in the early months with her; I don't want to fuck it all up now. Maybe I should see about getting support this time. It sounds like what I'm feeling is mostly normal though...

You don't have to suffer through it alone. Getting help will be a positive step for you and your two beautiful children. It's so, so, SO hard - you doubt yourself and feel like you just can't handle it and you're weak etc etc. But take it from me - those feelings aren't normal and are so different from the usual stresses and strains of motherhood. Even now I have bad days where I'm fraught and exhausted and delighted when bedtime comes around - but that sickening feeling of regret and despair is gone, and that's what isn't normal.

You can do this. You're amazing to have beaten it once before and you can do it again. But a little bit of help will get you there much faster.

Having two is so hard in the first few weeks. My mantra used to be that, if only one of them was crying, we were doing OK!
Have you mentioned how you are feeling to your DH and to the MW or HV? This will probably just be the baby blues but it may be PND in which case, the earlier it is spotted and begun to be addressed, the better for you and your whole family. Don't be scared of admitting how you're feeling. As with this thread, you'll probably be amazed at the number of people who go "me too".
When DC1 was a baby, DH would regularly get back from work and I'd still be in my PJs as I hadn't had time to shower. Another memorable occasion was meaning to go to the postbox at the end of the road and not making it for three days as there seemed to be a feed/nappy change/nap each time I was ready to go. Yet with DC2 we were at pre-school for 9am three days a week! I'm still not entirely sure how!
What did I do... DC2 was fed on the sofa downstairs, in my bed or in the feeding chair in DD's room. By the sofa, I had a stack of sticker books, activity books, Orchard Toy games, puzzles and the TV controls so whenever I fed DS, I could do those with DD. DD got very good at rolling the dice and moving me in games. By my bed, I had a stack of DD's favourite books so we could snuggle & read those. We also did loads of imaginary games mainly around going to space, pretending to put on our astronaut clothes, driving to the moon etc. Or being pirates and loading our ships up with provisions. In her room, she'd just play with whatever toys she wanted with me making appropriate comments. Yes, I wasn't on the floor with her but she was still making me cups of tea etc. She also got really into her dolls and she's often do to her dolls whatever I was doing to DS.
In terms of getting out of the house, I'd put her clothes out in our room the night before and they were always easy clothes like leggings which she needed minimal assistance with. Given she was up at 6 and we didn't need to leave until 8.30 to walk to nursery, somewhere in that 2.5hr window was usually a slot when DS wasn't needing me and I could help her get dressed and could sort out her breakfast as well as shower myself. I found showering really important as it made me feel better even if I didn't have time to do my hair or anything. Once she was at pre-school, then I'd get DS dressed. Conveniently, from about three months he napped for 45 mins just as we got back from drop off which gave me a chance to tidy up breakfast stuff, put a wash or just slump on the sofa with a cup of tea & think about how knackered I was! It helped that pre-school were relaxed about drop off and pick up (they were always well within their ratios over lunch) so it didn't matter if DD was a bit late. When we started weaning and fitting DS's lunch and feeds in around Nursery pick up, I simply changed it so DD stayed for lunch too.
Have any of your friends had second babies recently? If so, and their first is a similar age to your DD, I hugely recommend hanging around with them. The toddlers can entertain themselves to an extent and there will be moments when that happens, the babies are napping and you & your friend get to chat. There will also be moments where the toddlers get stuck at the top of the soft play frame, you & your friend are both breastfeeding your respective babies and your only options are to cry, for the most placid baby to have its feed interrupted whilst that mum goes to rescue the toddlers or just ask a completely random person who happens to be nearby and baby free to go & rescue your toddler. Random persons are usually very obliging in these situations!
Things will improve! And seeing the bond develop between your DC will be amazing. Several of my friends have a 4 or 5yr age gap and I sometimes think I was mad to only have 2.5yrs between mine but they are now 8 & 6 and, whilst we have met up with loads of friends over the holidays, we haven't needed to as they are so happy playing together, enjoy similar things and days out, similar TV programmes & games on the tablet etc.
Sorry for the essay!

@donkeysandzebras that all sounds wonderful. Today has been horrific. My daughter used to enjoy all those things - games, puzzles, books and make believe. But nothing is right at the moment. You know how toddlers get when they're tired and cranky? Her behaviour is like that all day. And, while she's always been intense and needed LOTS of stimulation, she used to be so pleasant and well behaved. I just don't want any of it. I regret it all. She didn't ask to be born. Nor did he. We're all miserable so what's the point

Op sorry I haven't read the full thread. I'm trying to supervise a 1 and 3 yr old...... it is hard. In all honestly I still feel guilty towards my first. I miss our time alone. I feel guilty towards my second as he gets ignored a lot. I'm on my own now too so it's a bit magnified.

My one piece of advice is that when people offer to have your older child, to "give you a break" ask them to take the baby sometimes. Since my seco d was born I've not had any 1 to 1 time with my eldest.

Oh also, very early on I established a morning routine. We don't come downstairs til I am washed and dressed with a bit of make up, and the children are also washed and dressed. If we cone downstairs I never seem to end up getting myself ready. Now they're a bit older I pop down and make a cuppa, collect milk , while they are upstairs. Then we all have a drink while we get ready. It sets me up for the day. I almost always wash up sweep round etc straight away after breakfast. If that's all I do in a day I consider it a success!!

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know you won't believe me when I say this but it WILL get better. You will feel better. And the joy your DD gets from having a sibling will make up for any of the frustration caused right now by having to share you. Please, please speak to your HV or GP. What you're feeling isn't normal and you can get help.

@peachgreen I don't understand what they'll do - offer me medication that I don't want to take. I've had a few different SSRIs in the past when I've suffered from low mood, none have helped. I'm not sure what else they can do? Sorry I'm being quite defeatist I know. I just want it over. I hate the baby phase. I wish I could skip to about 10 months but of course I can't. 10 months seems such a long time, especially if I manage to fuck everyone up in the mean time.

SSRIs didn't work for me for situational depression either, not even a little bit. But they were miracle workers for my PND. It's a totally different illness, much more chemical and hormonal, and I think that's why medication helped me where it hasn't ever before. I'm on the maximum dose of fluoxetine and after about two weeks it started helping a lot. I also had a visit from the mental health team every day which was a total lifeline, and was referred for further support from a charity called HomeStart - you could contact them too, or ask your HV to refer you. I have a volunteer that comes out once a week and takes the baby for a walk - I use the time to catch up on housework which makes me feel more in control but you could use it to spend time with your DD.

I totally understand why you're being defeatist - I was too, I was convinced nothing would help and I just had to put up with it or die. But it helped immeasurably. It's worth a try, right? Anything to make getting through this stage easier. I agree that the early baby stages are pretty unrewarding but they don't have to be as unbearable as it currently is for you.

I just wish my daughter hadn't changed so much. She's so difficult. I have had one hour of her being wonderful this morning and now she's absolutely horrific. Shouting at me or ignoring me, doing exactly what I ask her not to, crying non stop. I don't think it's all related to the birth of new sibling - her behaviour was starting to become challenging anyway but I don't have the resources to cope with it anymore and I can't understand where I'm going so wrong to have such a badly behaved child. I always remain patient with her, I never shout, I give her options instead of saying no to things, I'm so calm with her...but nothing seems to work. I'm so tired and being attached to the baby, it's just unbearable

OP Ive just reached 10 months and I remember feeling so much regret 9 months ago that I now of course feel horrible for. Just get through each day and have no expectations, I hated the first 6 months and was honestly just a shell.

It's a horrible time and you're really not alone, as you've seen, in these feelings.

I remember thinking it would never end and hating my life, yet the other day I cried after seeing my youngest's newborn photo and wished he was tiny again

@helpawomanout thank you. I really hope I can get to a place of happiness again. I really can't see how I will though. I just feel like I want out now.

I know you can't feel it, I'm not going to lie, I still have those days but they are very few days now. I also had the same feelings about his older brother and feeling bad but watching them play and grow up together has been wonderful - only in the last month though.

Subsequent children should come with a mental health warning.

@helpawomanout what did you do to get through the days? I'm relying a lot on my mum - she can entertain my eldest or be with the baby. Everything is ok then. But I need to be able to do this alone as well...I don't know how I can. My daughters behaviour completely falls apart. I just feel like the most stupid person in the world to think that this was a good idea. I was so excited to have two children as well. I want it to be ok and I don't think it ever will be. I keep thinking of suicide but I don't want to leave them and I would never act on those thoughts. The thought of staying and getting through this is unbearable though.

I wish I had a way to show you just how much better it gets and how quickly it happens.

But I don't so practical advice is just to get through each day with no expectations as to how you think you should be acting. Do the bare minimum if you can't face anything else. I found that, the few times I had help, that taking a walk alone with the baby helped. I also considered suicide but not in a serious way, more of a well it would be easier way. I think it's sleep deprivation that does this.

This might sound lame but try writing three down three things that made you happy each day and one thing you'd like to have been different. It did help me see that my problems weren't as overwhelming as I thought. Giving up breastfeeding also helped but I probably can't recommend that!

Also, children don't form memories for a while so how's the time you can get away with not being supermum.

Just remembered you have quit breastfeeding, once everything starts getting back to normal hormone wise you might feel better. I did about a month after I stopped and my periods were back

Don't even think about doing it on your own right now lovely. You will be able to one day but you don't have to now so don't even worry about it. Lean on your mum and your partner and be honest about how you're feeling. And please, please speak to your GP or HV. They can help. They will. Feeling suicidal isn't normal and you don't have to put up with it. I promise.

Thank you so much @peachgreen and @helpawomanout and everyone else who has tried to help me here. I'm starting to accept I'm really struggling mentally and whilst it's so dark, I do have glimpses of light and lots are coming from this thread. Thank you.

I'm definitely going to start writing the daily lists, thank you. And the point about memories is a good one! I just want my daughter to realise how loved she is - her behaviour is pretty much screaming "how much can you take? I don't believe you're going to stick around" and of course the pressure to stick around and be that stable base for her is huge.

I'm honestly so grateful to whoever you all are out there writing to me. The power of this place is wonderful at times. There isn't anyone in rl I can think of that I could say this to and who would get it.

You're so welcome. Please do PM me any time. I'd also be happy to message you on FB / via phone etc if that would be helpful - I had so much wonderful support when I was struggling and it made a real difference.

It helped me to know that what I was feeling - all of it, even the darkest thoughts - was completely normal for someone with PND. That doesn't make it easy - it's incredibly hard - but it's important to know that they're all symptoms, not failings on your part. Your hormones and the chemicals in your brain are conspiring against you and you're doing a wonderful job in the face of that. But others can help you tackle the underlying issue and once you start doing that, every day will get a little bit easier until your bad days - because there will still be bad days unfortunately! - are the same as any other busy, frazzled Mum of two.

Your daughter won't remember any of this but she will grow up feeling loved. Your love for her is clear from every single one of your posts, and she feels that too, I promise. And in time you'll feel that way about your son as well.

Here any time

Oh one more thing - yes to the daily lists, I do this on my antenatal group and it helps so much. I also found writing down some mantras to read over when I was struggling was really helpful. This was mine - I only recently stopped looking at it every day as I don't need it any more.

This is just a phase.

I might not be a natural at or enjoy this part of motherhood but it’s only a little bit in the grand scheme of things and I will be amazing at some of the other parts.

This day will end.

She will sleep eventually.

I have friends and family who love and support me. I can call one of them at any time.

I couldn’t have a better husband.

It has got easier and will continue to get easier.

Bad days always end and lead to better ones.

Sleep is a reset button for me and the baby. Tomorrow today will all be forgotten.

I have had lots of good days.

My baby is happy, healthy and well-cared for.

Despite everything, I am doing a good job.

I often lie in my toddlers bed trying to get him and the baby back to sleep at 3am and I've gotten really internally angry and frustrated and then I think "this will pass", then I force myself to smile - I probably look a little deranged but it works.

Also, if the baby is crying or his brother is whining and I get frustrated I look right into their eyes and focus on their little face for 3 seconds. Suddenly they become so much more precious.

These things sound weird writing down and I didn't really realise they were things I did, but they really help me. Especially the looking into the baby's eyes when I'm exhausted and he's crying - there's something about actually looking at his face so full of sadness that fills me up with love rather than frustration.

I can't believe I ever thought a negative thought about ds3, their are some days now where he's actually my favourite (of course I don't actually have favourites but you get the point).

I'm rambling now, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Rock bottom is a crap place to be. PM me too if you want, always happy to chat

Thank you again. I have written a couple of mantras - finding those quite hard though.

Forced myself up and out today with both children and husband to the park. She's so happy and it's lovely but I keep getting these overwhelming waves of emotion. It's ridiculous. I've come back to the car to feed the baby, I can see her running around laughing and I'm just in floods of tears. I know I must sound like a broken record but I keep thinking of how much I enjoyed my life before the baby and I feel like I never will again.

Thank you for the offer to PM - I only use the app on my phone and not sure I can on there. I will try and figure it out anyway. Thank you so much.

I remember that emotion so well. I lay in bed sobbing while staring at my husband because I loved him so much and I had ruined everything by having this baby and I'd never be happy again. What you're feeling is incredibly intense but it's not based in reality - try and remind yourself of that if you can, and know that it will pass. Truly. I was convinced it wouldn't and I would be the one case where PND never went away but it did and I love my daughter so much I can hardly believe I ever thought those things. But I did, and it felt SO real and SO definite.

You don't sound like a broken record. You sound like a Mum trapped in the horrible black hole that is PND. You need and deserve help but you WILL get through this. I promise.

I remember when my second baby was 6 weeks old and my first son completely withdrew from me. He’d always been a mummy’s boy but he lost interest in me and I remember one day he was upset and I tried to console him and he said: “I don’t want you mommy, I just want daddy and Katie.” - Katie being his childminder.

I was distraught and I just left him a cburst into tears.

My husband would take my son out a lot to “give me a break” but I was worried it would only reinforce his idea that he was being replaced.

Please, please remember that the way your daughter is behaving is completely normal. It is nothing that you are doing wrong, it’s not showing a failure in the way you’re dealing with having two children, it’s got nothing to do with what you are or aren’t doing - it’s purely a natural reaction to there being a baby in the house and tote daughter no longer having your sole attention.

It’s a huge change for her and it will take a while for her to adapt but she will. It may help to accept that what’s happening is normal, it’s inevitable, it’s to be expected and it happens to every child, not just yours, which shows it’s something that the first born experiences and not a direct response to your actions.

Having this mind set may help you to stop blaming yourself and make you realise that you just need to wait for the storm to pass, which it will.

As I said in an earlier post, the first few months were very difficult but things are wonderful now, my eldest son is always telling me how much he loves his brother and how they’re best friends.

My eldest has no recollection at all of the stage where he felt pushed out, or when he was a nightmare because he was desperate for my attention- all he knows is that he’s got a little brother that he adores

Hi op,

You are definitely not alone! My DS is 6 weeks old, my DD is 20 months and it is hard. 'It' being everything. The whole thing is just so hard, on absolutely everyone involved.

I now know that my DD was a very easy baby. Either that, or I've just forgotten the hard bits. My DS has been in and out the doctors with horrible reflux, and has now been diagnosed with a milk allergy which means I've had to give up anything with even a trace of dairy. I cried at the GPs when she suggested this, and stressed the need to read the labels on everything, purely at the thought of another thing to do. At least it does seem to have helped.

I explained to my DH today, as we walked to meet our (mostly childless) friends at an event that I had arranged, approaching 45 minutes late, that arriving for stuff on time has now been added to the list of things that are outside of my competence (I am ordinarily an excellent timekeeper). Co-ordinating the needs of newborn DS, toddler DD with our own and leaving the confines of the house - that is the extent of what I can manage. I can keep us (mostly) fed, warm, dry, and clean. And that is it. I cannot do it to any strict timescales. I also got us lost on the way there (to a destination I have visited at least three times before) - added 'finding the way' to the same list right underneath 'being on time'.

The key for me is planning. This sounds ridiculous but I've started keeping a spreadsheet where I literally map out an activity for the morning and the afternoon every single day, along with what I'm going to feed DD at meals. I find that making a spontaneous decision or coming up with an idea is impossible but if I can look at a list and follow my own instructions... As many of these as possible involve getting out of the house. Our options are limited as I don't drive and I don't have lots to spend on activities. But I've found possibilities for every day, fitted them around her nursery hours (3 sessions) and filled the gaps with things to do at home. Life is easier when I lay out clothes for everyone the night before, and pack the bags.

There are still times (often) when I am the third person crying in the room, or when I'm shouting at my DD for some misdemeanour that doesn't warrant it, or getting frustrated with my poor DS who frankly seems terrified of the world and everything in it but getting out the house and doing something, even yet another walk around the park, makes things better. I have a wrap sling, and my DS is happier in it than anywhere else, so that really helps.

I am panicking a little about winter - what is it that families with toddlers do when its pouring rain and freezing and dark by 3pm?? This realisation hit me yesterday, a rainy sunday with no plans and my despair was in full force. It got to about 10am and I looked at the clock and saw the vast expanse of the day stretching ahead... Seriously, what do people do? Where do they go? I am going to start my own thread to ask the wisdom of MN this question as I am at an absolute loss.

Other than that, it's just a general lowering of standards. DD watches more TV than I would like, the house is dirtier and messier than I would like, non-essential jobs continue to pile up in a way that I don't like and neither DC gets the focussed, non-stressed out attention that I would like to give. But at the end of the day I'm doing my best. It's a poor best, and I know that, but it's all I've got to give.

Sorry for the essay, and hijacking your thread with my own problems, I just wanted you to know that you're definitely not alone from someone who is right here in the trenches with you. I hope tomorrow is a good day.