Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

I think it's worth going back to the GP to see if you can get something long term for your anxiety (by that I mean something you take daily rather than just in the moment). I found everything you take in the moment made me feel - like you say - like a zombie and it exacerbated the depressed feelings. Still does - I took a cocodamol for a bad back the other day and was down for the whole rest of the next day. I wonder also if it's time to review your anti-depressant with your GP - it should definitely be stabilising your highs and lows by now. It took me a while to get the right dose.

I'm glad your mental health person is good - don't forget you can call them any time and you can also ask them to increase the frequency of the visits if it would help. Are you getting good support from your family?

I'm so proud of you for making it so far. I promise you will feel better again - you just have to get through each day until it happens. One feed at a time.

Always here

Thank you. I can see this morning that things are improved compared with how it was when I started the thread. I will try and hold on to that in the bad moments. My family are being really supportive and it's a huge help. I've also spoken to a couple more friends about things and feel good that more people know. Even though I don't actually see my friends very often, it feels nice that I don't have to feel bad or guilty when people text to see how I am. People are texting to ask if I'm ok now and I can be honest.

I am seeing the psychiatrist from the perinatal team this morning so will talk about my medication then. I still don't really like taking anything at all but can see the antidepressants are helping. At least I thought they were. I will see what the Dr says today.

Thanks for the support, it is worth so much to me!

Oh that's great! That really is half the battle, being able to see that although things aren't perfect, they're better than they were. I still have bad days 8 months in but I recognise that they're bad days and totally normal, rather than the feeling of hopelessness I had before, and that's so comforting. You'll get there, I know you will.

Keep being honest with your friends and family - you're ill and they love and want to support you. And keep posting here when you need to. No need to thank me, I'm just really happy things are improving. Just remember that recovery isn't a straight line and you will have ups and downs, but the general trajectory will be UP. Hope it goes well with the psychiatrist today.

How was last week @DrMelfi?

Hi @peachgreen I've had a better week again this week. Things do feel like they're moving in the right direction. I can't believe how helpful the medication is - it's like I had this thick slime in my brain making everything hard to understand and see properly. Now it feels clear and while I still have some bad thoughts and feelings, I can manage them. Plus I am starting to actually enjoy some things! I can't quite believe I'm writing it but it is happening. And so quickly - it's only been 4 weeks since I started the medication.

Oh DrMelfi that's such a lovely update - I'm almost in tears! It is amazing stuff. I totally understood your reluctance to take it - it's never worked for me before - but this is such a chemical form of depression, I found, and that meant that the medication worked wonders. Keep focusing on those bits you've enjoyed - for a while I kept a diary where I wrote down the three good things about my day and I found it really helpful. You may still have the odd bad day but in general things should keep going up and up from here. I'm so proud of you, you've done absolutely brilliantly and your babies are so lucky to have you as their mum.

I’ve just read this thread and wanted to tell you OP how brave you were to reach out for help! I do hope you continue to improve! Anyone who reads this can feel the love you have for all your family members! My son at 14 was diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder-he had to be hospitalized to get the right medication management and at 18 is stable! Best of luck

Hi @peachgreen @Beansprout30 I thought I'd drop by to have a chat. I wanted to say thank you for encouraging me to get help / meds and for keep checking in on me and being so supportive over the last few weeks.

Things are still improving and I am even starting to enjoy some days! I can't believe how quickly things are changing and by how much but it feels truly incredible. I know for a fact I wouldn't have asked for medication (and would have actively refused it) if it wasn't for the conversations on this thread. And I really believe I would still be in a very dark place if I hadn't started the medication.

I haven't had suicidal thoughts for over a week now and my anxiety comes maybe every 3-4 days rather than being a constant thing. I'm able to recognise what is anxiety and so a lot of negative thoughts about myself are going and I'm able to stop things escalating.

The biggest thing for me though, without a doubt, is that I'm so glad we had another child and I am ridiculously happy that it's my son that we got! It feels truly miraculous. Just a couple of months ago I honestly believed I would leave them all.

I just wondered though @peachgreen - are you off medication now? I can't remember if you said. If this is mostly the tablets working then will I ever be able to come off them? That's making me a bit worried.

@Olderbyaminute Thank you for those kind words. I'm amazed that people could see that about me when I believed the exact opposite. This thread has been such a powerful support. Sorry to read about your son but I'm glad it sounds as though things are going well for him too.

Thank you again anyway, to everyone that posted on this thread

Oh @DrMelfi I'm actually crying reading this - I'm so happy we were able to point you in the right direction but honestly, you did all the work - you should be so proud of yourself, you've done so well and your family are so lucky to have you. I'm over the moon that you're feeling that love and bond with your son - and I know it will grow and grow and you'll continue to feel better and better.

In terms of whether you'll have to be on the medication forever - absolutely not, unless you want to be. I firmly believe (as do my medical team!) that PND is physical, it's some sort of imbalance in the brain or hormones or something - that's how it felt to me anyway. The medication rebalances whatever's wrong chemically or hormonally, it gets you over the crisis period and helps you get back to yourself so that you're able to employ your usual coping mechanisms and deal with the normal stresses and strains of life. You're doing it already with your anxiety, which is fantastic and a great sign that your recovery is going well (although always remember that recovery isn't a straight line and if you have down days that's totally normal and you'll soon be on your way up again).

I've been seeing a doctor who specialises in PND and under his guidance I've actually just started reducing my dose with the aim of (eventually) stopping altogether if and when I feel ready. His advice is to stay on the full dose for at least six months and then slowly cut down over 18 months to 2 years total. You can of course do it faster if you feel ready but he says he always recommends at least a year on medication, just to give you time to recover and also to get through the other big life changes in that first year (going back to work if that's relevant to you, first birthday, teething etc etc). I haven't had any issues with the reduced dose - a few slightly down days at the very beginning but now I feel completely fine. What made it the right time for me is that I'd felt stable for a long time - maybe a month or six weeks with no real down periods - and the side effects were starting to bother me (whereas before I didn't care because I just didn't want to go back to that dark place). The side effects have massively reduced over time and with the dosage reduction and I'm now at a place where I'd be comfortable staying on these long term if necessary - but am aiming to come off them completely a year after I go back to work. Slow and steady for me - but again, if you feel ready, you can do it faster! But there's no harm staying on them for a while.

You've done so brilliantly, I'm so bloody proud of you. Your kids are so lucky to have such a strong, loving mum who was willing and able to go through hell to be able to take care of them. Make sure you celebrate that. You're amazing. 

Hey @DrMelfi - just wondered how you were getting on? :)

Just caught up on this thread, and was so thrilled with the last update. I really hope you’re still in a good place. Well done for getting the help xxx

I still think of you often @drmelfi - I hope you're doing really well xx