Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for the words of support and I'm sorry if I made people worry. I did read your messages yesterday and was overwhelmed that you could be so kind. If one of you had been closer I would have definitely driven to you. Just knowing you were willing to help me like that was very motivating.

I ended up driving and driving with the intention of not coming back one way or another. I managed to pull over and call a helpline - there must be something inside me still fighting and I'm grateful there is. Your words of confidence I'm sure helped me hear this part of me so thank you. The man at the helpline was extremely helpful, I got in contact with a local crisis team and I've been seen by a psychiatrist.

I've started some medication today and I'm starting to work out how to tell people around me what I need. I obviously still feel shit and I still feel like this is just prolonging the inevitable. But as much as I keep thinking of it, I don't actually want to die. I just want things to change. So I have to try.

Thank you so much for all the support but especially yesterday's messages. I'm still in awe at the kindness of strangers on the internet.

That's amazing to hear I'm so glad you're getting the help you need and deserve. You will get through this, you sound like an amazing mother and woman and I really do wish you all the best.

If you ever need to get anything off your chest please feel free to PM me or post on this thread again.

Well done for being strong enough to get help, that really is one of the hardest parts

Oh @DrMelfi well done!!! I'm so relieved to read this and also SO proud of you. It took me a couple of weeks between seeing my GP and hitting actual crisis point (being put in touch with the crisis team and seeing the psychiatrist etc) and that was definitely the hardest time. It will be onwards and upwards from here for you, I truly believe that. You've just got to listen to that part of you which wants to live, which knows that you are the best Mum for your children and they love you so much. You can do this.

What medication are you on? I hope it works really well for you - like I said, I did have a bit of a tough period but actually once I got the dose right it started working really quickly and in the meantime I found diazepam really helpful. Do you have friends and family around that can come and be with you? I found having someone around was the most helpful thing. Don't worry about the future, just think about now. Can your partner take some time off work maybe? It honestly won't be forever - I thought my husband would have to stay off for the rest of time because I'd never cope alone but he went back to work once I was feeling stronger and I've been totally fine since then. I would never have believed that if you'd told me a few months ago.

I know you don't believe any of this will work out for you. I've been there. But it will, it really will.

I wish I was closer and could come and help you practically but please do get in touch at any time - we'll be here to help you. I'm so proud of you - you've been incredibly strong and brave, and fought for your children and yourself. Your love for them shines out of you.

Thank you so much. Today has been hard for so many reasons. I am going to ask my mum to see her every day. I do feel like I need to be around people so if I plan to see her, that should help.

The Dr started me on sertraline which I've taken before but she said much as you have @peachgreen - that postnatal mental illness is quite a different beast altogether. She said they won't mess around upping the dose too much and if, after the first increase, I don't feel any better, she will swap me to something else. I've said I won't take citalopram so I'm guessing it would be fluoxetine. A clinician is coming to the house in a few days to talk to me about what other support I need from them.

I just want the dread and the hopelessness to go away. I want to wake up and want to be here. Everything feels so heavy.

That's so good that your GP is being understanding. Definitely don't wait with the pills, if you feel they're not helping a bit after a week or so, I'd up the dose or swap to something else. Are you feeling anxiety at all? The propanalol helped me in the short term.

Great idea re: your mum. Having a visit to look forward to will make all the difference. I would suggest you say the same to the clinician, that it would be good just to have a fixed point in the diary where someone will come and see you. I found that knowing I only had to wait until, say, 2pm before I could pour out all my woes on a professional genuinely helped me get through the hardest points as it felt like someone was coming to "save" me so to speak. I had daily visits at first and then we agreed a timeline for cutting them down which worked for me.

Do you know your HV well? Mine was extremely helpful and referred me to some great organisations. I think I've mentioned Home-Start before - they're a godsend for me and are still coming out, six months on. I think you can probably self-refer. You could also check to see if you're in a SureStart area - I'm not so not sure what they offer exactly but I've heard good things. I found going to groups really hard (and still do actually) but instead I made an effort to get to know the proprietors in my local shops - sounds totally pathetic but knowing you'll get a smile and a chat when you go to chemists can really help on bad days.

Could your partner adjust his working hours at all? DH goes in early to start at 7.30 so that he can leave at 4 and it helps a lot as the baby is asleep in the morning for most of that time and he's in earlier to take over when I need him to.

You're doing a great job. You really do just have to get through one feed at a time. I broke my day down into 3 hourly chunks - still do, really - and just aim to get to the next one.

@drmelphi thank you for coming back with an update, and such a positive one too! I've been thinking about you today but have only just been able to check the thread.

You sound really lovely and I'm so pleased you reached out for help. Hope the meds and psychiatrist get you back on track asap.

Great that you can see your mum often too. I'm not in the same place as you but I'd be seriously lost without my mum, I see her everyday and she's a massively help whether it be practically or just someone to let off steam to.

Good luck and remember you are well loved by your family, won't be long before you can enjoy things again xxx

How are you doing today @DrMelfi?

Hi. Thank you for asking. I feel awful. The tablets have given me insomnia so the few hours I could be asleep I'm sat awake. I just keep looking at both my children and feeling so sorry for them. The baby is fussing loads in the mornings so my daughter is just sat in front of the telly which I know she doesn't even like. I hate all of it.

Argued with my husband this morning because he is walking around looking miserable. How unreasonable of me - it's ok for me to do it but not him? I'm fucking ridiculous. He's had no sleep either and has a hard job but I want him to be smiling and this rock I can lean on. It's unrealistic of me and so now we've argued and I feel shit about that. I just want somebody to come and hug me and tell me they'll make it all better. And nobody can.

I can recognise some of the feelings you have about ruining your life and feeling everything you do is wrong. I struggled 30 years ago when I had my 2 DDs 17 months apart. I felt I was short changing everyone, my 17 month old toddler, the baby, my husband and myself.It gets better and you will know that if you remember the early days with your firstborn. I am sitting here now cuddling my DGD2 who is 4 months old. It would actually be abnormal if your DD did not act out when the new baby arrived. She has to share you now so that is not easy and she is a threenager.

UI watched my DD yesterday bathing her baby and almost 3 year old toddler and coping wonderfully but I remember the early days when she was tearful and felt overwhelmed. Accept help from your mum and husband whenever, remember none of us are perfect parents and it will get easier as the baby gets older and you get more sleep. If your mum comes over for a few hours every day that will help. My DDs husband watches the kids while she has a shower in the morning so perhaps your husband could do that?

Have they given you anything for the insomnia? I found diazepam really helped. Gosh it's horrible though, I know. But it will pass, I promise. Could you and your husband alternate nights? That way you could take a sleeping pill and sleep all through one night. I know he has work but it is possible to go to work on not much sleep, especially when you know you won't be disturbed at all the night after. It worked so much better for us.

It's okay to need your husband to be strong right now. It really is. He's in a difficult situation, sure, but he doesn't have the chemical and hormonal issues that you're having. So he's definitely better off. He needs to find someone else he can offload on so that he can be the positive rock you need. That helped me so much but I also had to ask my husband for it. Actually part of it was that he felt guilty being happy when I was so unhappy, so me telling him I needed him to be positive and sunshiney was good for him too. Tell your mum that's what you need as well - matter of fact positivity and warmth.

I remember that feeling of wanting to be rescued so much. I was almost angry at the world that nobody would just come and HELP ME. But they can help if you ask them for specifics. And then you will get better, day by day, feed by feed. I promise.

A bit of fussing won't hurt the baby, and a bit of TV won't hurt your daughter. You're doing so well. Honestly. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

You sound like a good mum op. In spite of the really devastating feelings you have going on, you have taken the steps you needed to seek help. I know that when you are in the midst of the darkness of being about to leave or thinking you should kill yourself it probably sounds laughable that you could be doing a good job, but you are hanging in there and finding help and that constitutes a good job right now. This could (and does) happen to anyone, and many don't have the insight that you do so it sadly goes unaddressed. There is lots of hope.

The time WILL come when you look back on this with a shudder and a sigh of relief.

I just want that relief now. Every day I think I can't take anymore. And I really mean it. Then here I am all over again. It is excruciating and I can't see an end.

My husband does keep offering to have both children one night and I go and sleep somewhere else. I'm just terrified of how hard it will be for him. Plus my daughter isn't easily comforted by him in the night. Things would be so much easier if she wasn't in this phase. She is waking all through the night
demanding I come in her room to sleep which I obviously can't. It's just exhausting.

I haven't been given anything for the insomnia - I haven't had another review yet. I'm worried if I take something to help with that, I won't wake for the baby though.

I know. I remember. I know you're thinking I can't have felt like you because it's so horrendous, but I really did. It was awful, truly awful, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Having the two kids overnight won't be hard for your husband in the way you're imagining. You can't see it as anything other than hellish right now but when you're better - which you will be - you'll realise it's totally doable and the value of you getting that sleep is more important. I know you think it won't fix anything so what's the point, and honestly it's not a magic cure but it will help you get one night closer to feeling better.

Did your GP give you a crisis team number to call when you're struggling? Do you have an appointment arranged for the clinician to come out? Does your HV know what's going on? (Sorry for all the questions)

That's ok, I'm really grateful you are talking to me about it so much. It's such a lifeline, I don't say that lightly honestly.

I don't want you to think I don't believe you could have felt like me, your experiences sounded tangible when I read your thread. I just think you must have so much more resilience and strength. I feel like I'm going to break.

My HV has been informed I think. She's coming out on Monday and the clinician from the mental health team is coming on Monday too. I have the crisis number but not sure I would call them. I just want it all over. I'm wasting everyone's time. Nobody can change my circumstance and that's what I regret so much.

Honestly, even if you don't believe me that's okay - I didn't believe anyone either, I was convinced that I was so weak that I was the only person who wouldn't recover. In all honesty, I'm not a very resilient person and I am a bit of a wuss but I DID recover because it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the illness. It's the same with you.

I remember saying to the crisis team over and over "you can't help me because the only thing that would help is for me not to have had a baby and nobody can do that". That feeling will pass. It will. Literally your only job for now is to get through things a feed at a time until you get there. Don't think about the future. Don't think about how you'll cope when x, y or z happens. Because everything will be SO different then. Just think about the next feed, or the next nap. Whatever is easiest for you. And just get through it.

And most importantly, ask for all the help you can. I ended up posting on Facebook so people would rally round and they did - it really helped.

I wish I could come and visit you.

Part of your circumstances is the sleep deprivation though. Let your husband have a go at night and see if that helps, even a tiny bit. Don't underestimate the impact of exhaustion on your mental health.

Yes try and let your husband take over and you get a good solid stretch of sleep. He will manage. When my dd2 was born my dd1 would wake screaming and wanted me, but I had to let DH take over and she soon got used to the fact that daddy would be settling her for now. I really hope you begin to feel better soon

Hi wondered if people were still around. Nothing seems to be getting any better. I'm taking my tablets, I know they won't kick in for a while but the more I think about it, the more I think it's pointless taking them. The reason I feel so shit is because I hate my situation. I hate how hard it is and how much everything has changed. And taking tablets isn't going to change that.

My husband told me today he is really struggling too, he is having bad thoughts (didn't say what) and that he can't believe how hard it is. I just don't know how we get out of this and I don't think we will.

I'm still around @DrMelfi.

I do totally understand where you're coming from. I remember feeling the same. But try and break it down logically. Millions of people have two children and they're very happy. There's nothing innately bad about having two children. In fact, it's a wonderful thing. However, right now you are really unwell, and that is making your situation - and your husband's - seem really bleak. But it's not forever. I promise it isn't. Two things are going to happen: one, the pills will start working and you will feel better physically and mentally. And two, things will genuinely get easier. The baby will sleep more, you'll be better-rested, he'll start smiling at you, your daughter will fall in love with her little brother, life will calm down. Think back to how hard it was when your daughter was a baby. And then think about how great she is now and how much you love her. The same is going to happen. I promise.

If you really can't cope (and that's okay, you're allowed to struggle) there are still options available. There are mother and baby units that you can go to to get some respite and help. They're really effective. There's also more help available through the crisis team and if you can't wait until Monday you can access that now through your GP out of hours service. You can also go to A&E if the thoughts become really dark and you're concerned you might harm yourself or your baby (no judgement, those are very common thoughts with PND and I had both).

I would recommend you show your mum this thread as a start. You need as much support and as many people around you as possible to get through this hard part.

I'm gutted at how little I can do from here, but if you don't feel able to call your out of hours surgery but feel you need their help, if you PM me your name, number and postcode, I'll happily do it for you.

Thank you for replying to me again. And honestly, you are being so helpful. I feel so isolated and alone with so much of this.

I have spoken to my mum a bit more. She is being very supportive. I suppose I know I will survive this, I just don't know if I even want to. It's just endless bottles, nappies, wind the baby, battle with my daughter, make food, get drinks, help with the toilet...I'm literally doing nothing else. My friend sent me a box full of bath things and chocolate which is lovely. But I genuinely don't think I'll ever be able to use them. I'm lucky if I get to brush my teeth alone.

I get the sense I sound like a brat whining about not having my own time. I'm sure People reading this are thinking well, this is parenting, it's what you signed up for. But I regret it all. I don't want any of it.

When you talk about the pills working and the baby sleeping more I genuinely think "what if my baby never sleeps more than this?" I just can't see a time that I'm not being woken every 2-3 hours. He's 5 weeks on Monday, it feels like he should be going longer already

Thank you for replying to me again. And honestly, you are being so helpful. I feel so isolated and alone with so much of this.

I have spoken to my mum a bit more. She is being very supportive. I suppose I know I will survive this, I just don't know if I even want to. It's just endless bottles, nappies, wind the baby, battle with my daughter, make food, get drinks, help with the toilet...I'm literally doing nothing else. My friend sent me a box full of bath things and chocolate which is lovely. But I genuinely don't think I'll ever be able to use them. I'm lucky if I get to brush my teeth alone.

I get the sense I sound like a brat whining about not having my own time. I'm sure People reading this are thinking well, this is parenting, it's what you signed up for. But I regret it all. I don't want any of it.

When you talk about the pills working and the baby sleeping more I genuinely think "what if my baby never sleeps more than this?" I just can't see a time that I'm not being woken every 2-3 hours. He's 5 weeks on Monday, it feels like he should be going longer already

It will get better. It will.

And there will be days in the future where your two children will wake up in the morning and be so busy playing with each other that they don't bother coming to see you. Or you will walk into their room and they'll be snuggled up in bed with one reading a book to the other.

Having 2 kids is really tough in the early days. You think it'll be the same as the first one all over again but it isn't. It's so hard. But it will get better. They will start to sleep more. They will.

Insomnia is horrible- there's a reason it's illegal to prevent people from sleeping. The tablets will help, but they will take time. And I know at the moment it feels overwhelming.

Take all the help you can get. Ask people for help. If you were my friend, and you told me, I'd leave DH to look after our kids, and I'd come and stay. I'd get up and do a night so you could sleep.

It will get better.

The relentlessness is awful, I know, and it does feel like it will go on forever. But it doesn't. It will get a bit better in the short term and you'll be able to get a bit more time to yourself - and then in the long term it will totally change. This is such a small part of parenting, honestly. One day your kids will be teenagers - for ten years! - and this will seem like a teeny part of the time you've spent being their mum. It's a sucky part, and in my opinion it's sucky even without PND. But it doesn't last forever. It really doesn't.

And he WILL sleep. He will. And then you'll sleep and feel so much better and more able to cope. It's survival until then but you will make it.

Next week will be better than this week, and the week after will be better than that. Just hold on and get as much help as you can. You're doing so well.

(And you don't sound like a brat at all.)

My friend felt exactly like you. Exactly. Wracked with guilt about not being fully there for her older child plus the usual hormonal tsunami/ bone-crushing exhaustion with a newborn.
She's now got two gorgeous little girls who adore each other and are the light of her life.
This too will pass.
Don't expect too much from yourself and be kind to yourself.

Thank you all. It is survival until then, you are right. I keep thinking "when he's 8 weeks things will be better" and then "no, by Christmas it'll be better" and then realising it probably will always be hard.

I probably need to practice some mindfulness and stop worrying about the future. But when the right here is fucking awful, I don't know how helpful that will be. And it's these kinds of circles I tie myself up in and end up feeling so trapped. Anyway, thank you again. I'm so sorry I can't see what you're saying. I'm trying so hard to believe it.