Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

But at the end of the day I'm doing my best. It's a poor best, and I know that, but it's all I've got to give.

I so relate to this. My DD is 3 months and DS is 19 months. It's been hard, really hard. I got PND and ended up on anti-depressants.

BUT i can honestly say it's getting easier. We have got in to a routine and my relationship with DS has got back to how it was.

Don't put pressure on yourself. It's okay to have CBeebies on if it gives you time to sit down. Also say yes to any offers of help.

I get out once a day at least, toddler groups are great as there's always someone willing to hold the baby or play with DS.

Hang in there.

Thank you Queen it's really easy to think that I'm getting it so wrong. But hearing you say what's happening with my daughter is normal, is a comfort. We don't have many friends with children older than ours. The only one we do came round last week and witnessed some of the most challenging behaviour. I looked to her for reassurance and she just said her daughter has never behaved like that - she's the most placid, quiet little thing. They have a second child too. It made me think I'm failing but perhaps it's just different personalities. My daughter definitely takes after me in ther she likes to be in control  if I find the chaos hard it must be even worse for her - she doesn't have the knowledge it will end and we'll regain some structure I suppose.

Thank you so much for keep replying to me @peachgreen - I can tell you have felt exactly what I'm feeling. I just hope it releases me like it has you. I feel like everything I had has gone.

Does your eldest go to any kind of childcare? I apologise if you’ve said this upthread.

My eldest son started pre-school when the baby was about 8 weeks old and it really helped.

I think at home my son was fed up of obviously coming second place when it came to needing mummy’s attention and most of my responses to him wanting something was me telling me that I didn’t have time because I needed to feed the baby or get the baby to sleep or take the baby for a walk etc. I felt like I was always restricting his activities and shushing him so he wouldn’t “wake the baby.” He must have felt like his life was dictated by what the baby was doing or needed.

When he was in pre-school he was allowed to run around like crazy, he could do whatever activity he wanted, he could be as loud as he wanted, he could have fun, he got focused attention from adults and he could generally just be himself again without having to be told to stop for the sake of a baby.

He went three days a week and I found it really helped the jealousy issues as he felt he wasn’t always living in the baby’s shadow if that makes sense.

The boys are 1 and 4 and are currently chasing each other around the living room, giggling and hitting each other with balloons. The room is full of laughter and those difficult days are a distant memory now.

I promise it will. And I'm here whenever until it does.

That sounds lovely Queen. My daughter goes to childcare setting two days 9-3 and my mum has her on one day as well. She's just gone off with my mum now. We had some nice time this morning and some absolutely awful times as well - screaming and slamming doors, crying. It just isn't her. She isn't even three yet. She shut herself in her playroom and I could hear her screaming and crying. My mum had just come and I was in tears - I just want to go in there and scoop her up and hug her but she won't let me. It's so awful, I feel so sorry for her.

I'm on my own with the baby now and I just feel numb. I want to just drive away and not come back.

Oh it sounds so hard - had she calmed down by the time she went with your mum?

How is your DH/DP finding things? Does he know how you’re feeling?

Could you ask your mom to look after the baby for a bit instead of taking your daughter so you and your daughter can have some one-to-one time?

Even if your mum stays at yours with the baby downstairs and you and your daughter disappear off to her bedroom for a few hours so you can play her favourite games together?

I think that if you genuinely feel like you want to drive off and never come back and leave the children behind then you need to speak to someone professionally

DrMelfi I think you're being very hard on yourself. It's a difficult phase with DCs that age and it's very early days. Have you told your DH and your mum how you feel?

She comes out of it quickly in the end - once she's decided to, she can almost turn it off. She does what I ask, says sorry and we have a cuddle. She went off ok with my mum. My mum has text to say they are fine and photos look like she's having lots of fun.

I have talked to my husband and my mum about things. I haven't told them I've thought about dying and I haven't told them about other thoughts I'm having. They know I'm struggling though and are being as supportive as anyone could be. I am so lucky. I am worried about my husband as he has his own difficulties and I don't want him to feel he has nobody to take them to. I spend the day thinking of each person that's close to me and how I've completely fucked up and ruined their lives.

I did manage to go out with my daughter for a few hours the other morning and it was lovely. Everything just feels so different and I feel like she is slipping away from me.

Just to add, that her behaviour is actually very normal for this particular age. My eldest had no siblings until he was 10 and he started acting out like this at 2 and a half and it lasted until 4. It's also likely that her behaviour seems worse as you're more sensitive to it and not able to react as quickly meaning that it has a chance to build up more than before.

I think tantrums are healthy and means your daughter feels safe enough to express herself. I've seen two year olds too scared to cry in case they get 'time out', trust me, you're doing amazing.

It's hard, after 6 months I had the words 'this too shall pass' tattooed as a reminder of what I was strong enough to get through. That's how much of an impact those months had on my life. It also serves a purpose of reminding me to never, ever have another child! It's a dark place that is not spoken about or supported nearly enough.

Thank you @helpawomanout I was wondering about whether this would be happening anyway - it had started before baby arrived. I was just so in control then, I could remain calm, I could feel confident that I was doing my absolute best. I feel now that everything is falling apart and I'm setting her up to fail.

I just managed a little nap and I've woken more desperate than ever. I have such dread in my stomach. I don't want to be awake and I don't want to carry on. Of course I will, but it means I'm living in such pain.

I really think it's time to get some professional help, lovely. I called my HV and told her I was suicidal. She came round and sat with me until the crisis mental health team arrived. They were wonderful. They arranged the right medication for me and they visited me every day until I was starting to feel better. I had intense sessions with a therapist in my own home. I got loads of support from outside agencies. It was such a turning point. I was terrified they'd take my daughter away (even though I simultaneously wanted someone to take her away) because I was suicidal but there was no mention of it. Once I'd got a formal diagnosis our GP also signed my husband off work for three months so he could care for us. It made all the difference, having that professional backing.

These feelings are too big and scary to deal with on your own. You are ill. It has a physical cause. It's no different than if you had bronchitis or a broken rib.

I'd call the health visitor straight away. As much as I've been through it I can't get into your mind and help you see it will be ok and I wouldn't have believed someone telling me either. You don't have to have medications, there are other ways. Sometimes just saying it to someone willing to listen is a big help.

I wish I would have spoken to someone rather than plastering on a fake smile and telling everyone how perfect my life was.

Please call your health visitor, at the very least she'll have some behavioural tips for the eldest

I'm so sorry you're going through this

I hope you're ok @drmelphi, please seek professional help, you will get through this x

Hi I'm not sure if anyone is still around. I was considering starting a new thread but didn't.

I'm doing ok, the overwhelming feelings seem to be getting slightly less and I am managing the balance between the two children fairly ok.

I have realised 1. I am absolutely bloody shattered. I just want to curl up, on my own, watch a film and then sleep for 6 uninterrupted hours

1. I am bloody bored. I woke up today, ok mood, getting people fed and watered, husband has gone off with some friends for the morning (totally ok with this btw). Now we are sat in the house - we have done painting, crafting, CBeebies watching, played a board game. We will go down and do some tasks - washing out, cleaning. It feels good to be more active but I am SO bored. I keep thinking of all the things I would be doing if I were childless (and feeling horrendous guilt for it) and I feel so sad. What if I never get to that stage again. Will I ever sit in the day and do something for myself?

I'm sorry I'm posting again, I feel so silly but it's making me so sad.

Hi OP, I'm still here :) It sounds like the hormones are calming down which is great.

Firstly, both those feelings are totally normal.

Secondly, hopefully the first thing can be arranged - can you have a day where someone else takes the children, bringing the baby to you for feeding if necessary? It's important to have some time off and a good sleep would do you the world of good.

As for being bored, I feel you. It is pretty boring sometimes. But it's not forever. Can you carve out some time once a week where you do something for you? Even if it's just an hour or two?

Thanks @peachgreen

I don't know why it was so different with my daughter just before he was born - my days were still completely devoted to her when I was with her. I suppose I had more time to myself though as when she's with others I have the baby now. Whereas that would have been my time.

I feel like it's never going to be that easy again and I'm regretting everything even though I love my son so much. I'm sure mothers of twins would have something to say about this but I wish we had got it all out of the way in one go. I'm sure it is harder than I could imagine but at least you don't have to adjust then go back and adjust all over again. This is what my mind is doing - thinking of every other conceivable possibility and wishing that was my life

I did exactly the same - I know it's different with two but I remember so well thinking about all the points I could have done things differently and fantasising about that being my life. It was agonising.

This WILL get better. It will. But it will get better faster with help. But either way, you will bond with your son and things will feel a million times easier and more rewarding, and on a practical level it will get easier. My daughter started going to bed at 6.30pm at 3 months ish which gave me my evenings back with my husband and made a huge difference. That will happen for you too soon. And soon you'll be able to leave him playing by himself while you get on with whatever you want. It will improve, o promise.

Thank you @peachgreen it is so nice to hear this from you. I may speak to my HV soon about things but I just feel like they'll say, well yes, welcome to motherhood. I don't see what they can do.

An early evening bedtime for him and fewer nighttime feeds / nappy changes sounds like heaven. Praying he develops as fast as your daughter did - my first took a long time and still doesn't really sleep through consistently! Though she does go off fine now at 6:30 so I will try and keep the faith.

Thank you

Woken up this morning and completely regret everything. I don't understand how I can get out of this. Daughter seemed so sad when I dropped her at her childcare. Baby is sleeping peacefully but I just want to leave and not come back. I have so much to do around the house but I'm just sat, feeling numb and trapped.

Please, please ring your HV or GP. Your HV will not say “welcome to motherhood” because the way you feel is outside of what’s ‘normal’ and you need to talk to a professional

This is post-natal depression. Classic symptoms. It's exactly how I felt - unable to do anything, fantasising about a different life, wondering how I could get out of it - I was desperate to just have my daughter adopted or something. Now she's my life. But it took medication and counselling to get here.

The way you feel is not motherhood, it is an illness. Your HV can help. You just have to take that step. Show them this thread, maybe. It shows how you're feeling.

Hi I spoke to my HV today and someone from the perinatal team is coming out to my house tomorrow. I tried to be as honest as I could on the phone to her. Not sure how I feel about it all. I just don't want to be me anymore, more than anything in the world.

Well done - you took the hardest step today which is asking for help. Support is now being quickly put in place for you and you can take the fits steps towards starting to feel better. I’m so glad you spoke to someone and I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Keep being honest and you’ll get all the help you need

Well done OP. It camt have been easy. Continue to be honest. I hope you get some help and can start to enjoy life again.

Well done Melphi you've done the best thing. You will feel better once you've gotten the right help. I hope you are getting plenty of support from your husband too