Everything feels impossible

[DrMelfi]

I had my second child last week and I am finding everything so hard. I know that most people find things hard about parenting but I am struggling to get from minute to minute.

My brain is full of regret and negative thoughts. I miss all the time I could devote to my first child. I miss being able to sit her with some drawing, puzzles or telly and go and shower and make myself feel like myself. I miss walking in the woods with her and talking to her and really listening.

Everything we do now is with the caveat "well before the baby wakes" or "let me just feed the baby" etc etc. I don't want any of it. And I'm trying to focus on when he has grown and is a little more independent but it still seems pretty bleak when I imagine that.

I just want to be back at work. I know we'll be in a routine then. I hate this right now. I'm so sad. I keep thinking I'll just put the baby down and take my daughter and not come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

Oh OP I'm so glad. Well done. Be honest - they have heard it all before and they will help you. I thought the most awful things and was so desperate but now I couldn't be happier. I promise things will get better. Always here x

Thank you for the support. I'm so encouraged when people say they've felt this and they are happy now. I can't wait for that time. I just hope I get there. I can't imagine it ever being like that.

My husband is practically very supportive. He will do anything for me. But he is understandably finding things hard emotionally too and I don't think he has the capacity to help me in that way. I see him struggling and looking sad and instead of helping him I get angry with him for not being happy - how dare I when I feel like this! It's just making everything even worse.

I feel like if I wasn't here everyone would be happier. That isn't me saying I want to kill myself. I'm not going to. But it's a hard place to be stuck

I'm glad your husband is supportive, I think they struggle to know how to deal with these things. Did anyone come out to visit you today?

Hi. Yes a duty worker came out to me today. It all felt a bit pointless. I told her absolutely everything. She just kept looking at me as if she felt really sorry for me and kept telling me it would pass. She had a really weird way about her and she seemed quite anxious. She gave me lots of practical advice but I didn't feel like she wanted to hear or respond to the emotional side of things.

I mean she's said she will come out to see me at home weekly and I'm to see the psychiatrist at some point in the clinic. I don't want her coming to the house to just look at me with a pitying gaze for an hour. It didn't feel very helpful at all

Ach I had a weirdly similar experience with my first duty worker. After a while I was put through to the crisis team instead because things were quite severe. But once I was ready to move back to a duty worker, I actually asked the psychiatrist if I could be reassigned as I didn't find the first duty worker helpful at all.

Have you seen your GP? They were the most helpful in terms of medication for me, and honestly that was what got me over the initial awfulness.

Sorry it wasn't more helpful for you, lovely x

Sorry she wasn't much help, I would perhaps try speaking to your gp to see if they can do more for you x

I haven't seen my GP no. I really don't know if I want to take medication either. I know you mentioned SSRIs felt different in this situation for you @peachgreen but I'm just so wary after my experience with them before.

I might try and ask for some actual talking therapy rather than somebody just listening or whatever her remit was. I feel angry more than anything now. I'm so worn out and fed up and I just feel pissed off with the world.

I also think I've just given the baby milk that was too hot and am panicking about that  I can't seem to do anything right.

Oh my god, i felt exactly the same way - it was so strange and difficult to read. My daughter will be two soon and it’s absolutely getting back to “normal”. My son was 5 when I had her and oh I regretted it so much until around 4-5 months. It was so hard going back to the baby stage and my son no longer being my world.

It wasn’t until my daughters personality emerged and I felt bonded to her that it improved. And let me tell you now my daughter is just amazing. She is such a special loving and gentle girl and gives me fuzzy feelings from all the love she gives. It’s Different to my son and I now accept that I’ll never just have me and my son anymore but that’s ok because what I have now is so so much better.

My sons older and is more focused on his friends. He loves to play outside with them so naturally as they get older they do drift away a bit.

And they’re both so amazing with each other. When my daughter turned 1 my son got a real connection with her. Now at almost two they’re just great together.

I’ll never have a third as I do genuinely want to be able to focus on each of them without too much effort and I feel adding a third would take even more away from them but with two I feel the juggle isnt as tough anymore now DD is growing.

@DrMelfi Can I ask what it is about SSRIs that makes you reluctant? I was too, in that I've tried them before and they didn't help whatsoever. I'm on Prozac now and it definitely made things worse for about two weeks, I won't lie, but then they started really helping and within weeks I was a different person. Having said that there ARE side effects (hot flushes, weight gain, anorgasmia) but for me in this moment it's more than worth the trade. I'm feeling ready to start cutting them down slowly soon but there's no doubt they got me over the worst of it.

For me, PND is such an obvious imbalance of hormones and chemicals that it makes sense something chemical is needed to treat it. But I do totally understand you are reluctant and I respect that. There are other options though - I was put on another medication called Propranalol which has been really helpful for anxiety. And definitely ask for talking therapy. I'm so sorry the key worker was so rubbish. I have to say I've found exactly the same, and it wasn't until I was with the mental health team that I started getting help. Maybe push for a quicker referral to the psychiatrist? Or, to be honest, just see your GP and tell them how unhelpful you found it, and how you're still feeling, and hopefully they will push for something more intense. Just be as honest as possible. They've heard it all before. I said some awful things, so bad that it makes me feel sick to even think about it now. And nobody took her away or anything, they just helped me.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but the fact that you're worried about the milk temperature shows that you love your son. It's just that the PND stops you feeling it properly. On a more practical level, if he drank it, it wasn't too hot so don't worry!

PS the reason I'm up at 3.30am is because I had to sneak a look at my daughter after I had a nightmare - stroking her wee face was the only thing I wanted. The difference from 5 months ago when I panicked every time I saw her is so huge. You will get here.

Thank you @Onlyfools - that is helpful to hear and I'm glad things are positive for you now. It's so encouraging. And one of my thoughts has been "I should have waited till she was at school, I wouldn't be feeling like this now" but clearly that isn't necessarily the case. Thanks for sharing.

@peachgreen I guess it's the lack of effect with them before. Fluoxetine is probably one of the few I haven't tried so I could ask for that. I know that the side effects in first couple of weeks, like you say, can be horrendous - suicidal ideation being one. I'm not sure I can handle that. And I'm just anti medication anyway. I birthed both babies with no pain relief, not even paracetamol because I hate putting medications in my body. I don't know where that comes from but it's a hard thing to shake. I don't want the side effects and I don't want to feel worse off. I do understand what you're saying though - that maybe this is different and it's the lesser of two evils right now.

I really feel like I should contact the team again. I don't want to offend that woman or get her in trouble or anything but I just don't want to see her again. I don't really know what to say.

Thank you so much for keep on coming back here. And that is lovely about your daughter, I'm so pleased to hear how things are for you now. I just can't see how I'll get there.

I've definitely found fluoxetine much more effective than sertraline or citalopram and the side effects are definitely bearable compared to what it stopped me from feeling. It didn't make my ideation worse but I had it already so I couldn't promise that won't happen at all. I do understand your reluctance - I swore I'd never go on them again - but I'm glad I did this time.

I would just be honest and say you feel you need more active help than just someone to listen.

You will get here too. I know you don't believe me - I wouldn't have believed me either - but you will.

This was my thread about my PND - there's an update towards the end. There was some really good advice on it and also so much wonderful love and empathy. I thought some of it might be helpful for you too.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3217112-to-hate-being-a-mum

Thank you for sharing that and I'm sorry about what happened to you. So much is almost exactly how I'm feeling. It's quite unsettling to read.

I am already experiencing suicidal thoughts and fantasies. I have read that fluoxetine can make the thoughts worse and because the tablets increase things like motivation early on, there is actually a risk of suicide in the first few weeks with them. I have to fight hard against my thoughts of death most days so I'm reluctant to take something to work against that.

I just don't know what to do. You are right about requesting something more active than listening. I don't have to say anything about her and that session, just that I want something else.

Baby has been awake almost every hour since midnight for the second night in a row. Not sure how much I can take of it. When do they start going for longer?!!

The fluoxetine definitely made things a bit worse at first but it certainly didn't make the suicidal thoughts worse or give me more motivation. My husband took time off work to be with me through the first couple of weeks - is that an option for you? The improvement once I was through that was MASSIVE. They also prescribed propranalol which really helped take the edge off the worst of the anxiety and diazepam for the really bad moments.

My wee girl started sleeping until 3am and then back down after a feed until 7am as soon as we moved her into her own room, which we did at 3 months because I just couldn't cope with the lack of sleep. It made a huge difference to me. Obviously it's against safe sleep guidelines but it was definitely a big part of what saved my sanity.

Try and take comfort in the fact that your thoughts and feelings are so similar to the ones I described. That just proves that this isn't you, it isn't a true reflection of your situation - it's the PND. And that WILL go.

Thank you. Today has been an awful day. My husband is away for the night, working all weekend. I'm sick of how I'm feeling. I'm SO fucking tired. I've had enough. I don't have any more to give. I had no idea how weak I was - people do this all the time. There are mothers of two little children up and down the country. I can't believe how hard I am finding this and how weak I am.

You aren't weak, you're ill. Honestly - it's like trying to parent with two broken arms, it's totally understandable to be finding it so hard. You are SO strong - you're getting through every day with such a huge, huge weight on your shoulders. Honestly, i can't believe the difference it's made to me being better - the hardest, most challenging day with my daughter now is SO much easier than even the most straightforward day when I was ill. You are doing so well. You are not weak. You are doing so well.

Oh op just came back onto mumsnet and have just caught up. I'm so sorry things aren't improving and I don't know what I can add other than support. My 10 month old was up every hour the other night and I sat there crying wishing I hadn't had him. The next night I gave him rescue remedy sleep (alcohol free) and invested in lavender and he slept and I stayed up all night feeling absolutely horrific. I think these feelings are normal after a baby, especially when robbed of sleep, however when you hit those moments where you can't handle anymore then help is needed.

Are you in a position for private therapy? NHS mental health funding can be ridiculous. I've been for 2 different issues and have been shocked by their service and waiting times.

I wish I could help more, I can't bear to think of another mother struggling like this. Do you have adult friends? Anyone to get away with whilst DP/mum has baby?

Absence really can make the heart grow fonder

I'm so sorry. Thank you for all the support and keep coming here to try and help. I've decided I probably need to leave. My daughters behaviour is only getting worse, my son is doing very well but I'll only mess him up and fail him the older her gets.

I haven't decided what to do. I need to just get away probably. I have ruined my life and everyone's around me and I feel so sorry for everybody that knows me.

I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time here as well. I'm so glad you all survived your experiences and are enjoying life now. I'm not strong enough to get to that place and that's only my fault, nobody else's. Thank you for trying to help me.

@DrMelfi please, please get help. Go to A&E and show them this post if needs be. Show your family, your husband, your GP and your HV. You are very ill but you can get better. Your children love and need you - you are the best Mum they could ever have and ever want for, and when you're better - which you will be - you will realise that. I've been where you are - I promise, I have. I also thought it was all my fault and I just wasn't strong enough. But I was sick and so are you.

God I wish I could just swoop in and save you. If you are anywhere in NI please PM me and I'll be there as soon as I can.

You are a wonderful mum. You can do this. You just need - and deserve - some help right now.

You have done nothing wrong, you are ill and need medical help. That's the bottom line under all of this. Please, please go to a and e or a urgent care centre. If you're anywhere around Hertfordshire PM me and I'll be there.

You are strong enough to get through this, just not right now and that's what people need to help you with.

Have you spoken to your mum about how bad this has become?

Op, I couldn't read this and not respond ...please please phone your mum, your out of hours doctor, your HV, someone, anyone. You won't be able to see it right now but you have been doing an incredible job. This stage is really tough, let alone when having to deal with all the feelings you have been experiencing. You need and deserve some more help, please seek it

I'm still here OP. Any time. Thinking of you loads.

@drmelphi please come back on and let us know you are still around? Please get some help, it can be sorted as others have said but you can't do this own your own. Your kids and husband love you and need you. Where abouts are you In the country?

Morning @DrMelfi - I hope this morning is feeling a little bit brighter. Don't feel pressured to reply, I just want you to know someone is thinking of you and rooting for you. But do post if we can be of help - we want to help and the people in your life will want to help too when they know what's going on.