MIL moved in

[Hannabee123]

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

Oh Hannahbee I just want to give you a big hug. If having PND wasn’t enough your dealing with the epitome of an overbearing MIL and sorry to say it but lazy and unsupportive husband.

You are not a bad mother, far from it and you are not worthless. Your MIL has swooped in under the guise of helping but has actually taken complete advantage of you when you are at your weakest. None of this is your fault, absolutely none!!!

You do really need to speak to your health visitor and you need to very clear and direct about what is going on. You need to literally tell her that your MIL won’t let you near your own baby and explain exactly how that is making you feel. Do not hold back in telling the health visitor everything and make sure you ask her for help getting YOUR baby back because that is what you NEED.

Please don’t worry, your baby only has one mother and that is you and no matter how hard your MIL tries she can not replace you.

Until your MIL is gone try and take as much time as you can with your baby. Give cuddles keep her in your arms and if your MiL tries to take her from you just say actually I want a bit longer, or I’m not ready to hand her over yet or just walk into a different room. Don’t feel like you have to let her take over.

Do you have a sling?? If not invest in one they can be great you can pop your baby in the sling and you can just go about your day. It’s great for baby as she gets to be close to you, MIL can’t just come and take her out if your arms and you don’t need to put the baby down to do stuff like make a cuppa or pop a wash on. Babies often settle well in a sling too. It’s just an idea if you fancy trying it.

I really do hope you manage to get the support you need from your health visitor and that your MIL learns how to back off.

"She goes on all day about how awful I am for beingdepressed and how awful I am for putting her son through this."

I would use this to get her out...

"Yes MIL, what your son needs is everything back to normal. It is time for me to be a wife and mother and 'do my job'. I completely agree. So thank you for your help in realising that, you can go home now. No, no, you've told me my role repeatedly, and you must be desperate to get home, I know what I need to do becsuse you've made it SO clear. I'll take baby so you can go and pack."

To your DH I'd be saying, "Your mother is verbally abusing me all day. She is stopping me getting better, in fact she is making me worse, and you are letting her. This is impacting how I feel about you. She goes home today or, once this snow clears, I'm getting the HV to find me a place in a mother and baby unit until I'm well - and I won't be coming back."

Sorry I haven't rtft but maybe instead of asking her to move out you could say that the HV have suggested that she help around the house more, and with cooking etc and you focus on the baby.

I can't believe she's critisising you on what you've cooked and not making any effort to lose weight! I remember up until about my dd was 3 months or so I spent most days just surviving!- feeding dd while watching Netflix in bed, resting while she napped, eating lots of ready meals or those stir fry mixes you just chuck in the pan etc.
You're not able to get better as she's not giving you the opportunity to bond with your baby, so she needs to back off a bit.

Your MIL and DH are being very unfair to you, op, and clearly making you feel worse. That is not ok of them and I feel really sad for you. You are in a difficult position - anyone would struggle I think.

Just remember (and I was quite detached from my own DS1) that she's your baby and you're her mum. I know people who.had medical issues meaning they couldn't actively care for their babies themselves for months at a time following birth - but now, years later, they are so close to their DC. Things do get better and can improve, really.

In my opinion you need the HV (preferably a stern one!) to tell your DH and MIL that their attitude is making you feel worse not better and that she needs to leave. They clearly need an external push right now.

I really hope you start to feel better very soon op

It really sounds as if your partner and mil do not understand PND.

You are not a crap mum. You are ill.

Your mil taking over with your baby is making things worse as you know.

Hopefully you are getting some sleep now but in the morning when you are up take your baby from MIL and tell her you are feeling better and will be taking over. Try to remain calm. Just keep saying you will take the baby.

Tell your partner the baby will now be sleeping in your room and get him to move everything in.

Just keep telling them you are feeling better. Cuddle your baby.

I feel so sad for you.

Oh Hanna, how hard for you. You are so amazing for lying there thinking about how you can make things change without the support of your partner. This is what tells me that you will find a way.

Use the professionals to help you take your baby back into your care. Whether that’s the crisis team and the potential of a mother and baby unit, or whether it’s the HV. Perhaps showing your HV this thread will make it quicker and easier to explain to her what is going on if you can’t find the words. You could even text her the link before her next visit so that she can help you come up with a plan.

As lots of people before me have said, your baby knows your voice, and your smell, and your heartbeat. Don’t worry, a bond will happen even if it takes a little while. You are a great mum with a real love and desire to make her little life a good one.

OP, a big hug for you. This is will pass and your baby will never forget that you are her mother. I hope you can get your MIL to move out asap, she is not helping one little bit, but she will not take away your future relationship with your child.

You sound like a great mum. I think your HV hit the nail on the head when she said your MIL is fulfilling her own needs. Your DP needs to be on your side too. Battling in your corner and he really isn’t. You can do this you can get back control.

I agree with the others to use the hvs and professionals who still be on your side. In the short term how would you feel about telling your mil and husband that you want to do more for the baby - that you feel better and want to take on more responsibilities. You can stay with just one thing, to build up your confidence and theirs.

Get on the phone to your HV first thing this morning. Tell her about the call to the Crisis Team last night. Emphasise how much you need help in getting your DH and MIL to allow you to be a hands-on mother to your dd who you clearly adore and are yearning for.
This is very urgent - you need your DD and she needs you. Your MIL needs to back off and be available to help when you ask her to. Your DH needs to wake up to his wife's needs and his own responsibilities.

Op how are you feeling this morning??

I'm just looking for the HV number now. The weather is so bad she might not even be working today. The crisis team won't be coming today and they said yesterday they were working from home and can't get out. Loads of roads are closed and public transport is all out of the window. Even if I wanted to go anywhere I can't dig my car out and I don't have the appropriate tyres or anything. I'm feeling well and truly stuck.

She is way too comfortable here. My MIL lost her husband almost a year a go and has been lonely and in a depression ever since ... until she moved in. Now she has a constant key to her loneliness and my daughter is the focus of all her attention and a chance to be a mother yet again. She keeps telling me grandparents get to enjoy children more than parents... I don't have the chance.

Last night I went to sit up in the living room with a drink and she came down having a go because of all the lights on! There was only the living room light on she's not able to see it from her bedroom. She barges in my bedroom she just has no perception of privacy.

I'm so sad because I feel like I'm neglecting my daughter. I've stopped bothering I just sit on my own for long periods crying or focusing my thoughts on something because I am so useless. It doesn't take e adults to look after a baby and I can't take criticism. It's not my daughter's fault but I just feel so sad she doesn't get to spend time with me. She has a bodyguard a selfish old hag. She never puts my baby down and I can hear her all the time fussing her it's driving me insane. I can't live like this :(

You're not neglecting her. You're just not at your full strength at the minute, and someone is either consciously or unconsciously using that to their own advantage. You'll get there though.

An earlier poster mentioned slings - it might be worth a try. My 3 boys all hated them but my dd (the baby) loves it. She gets really fractious if she's passed around too much so I stick her in it whenever we're at a family gathering to stop people just taking her off me. They're fairly expensive for what is essentially a long strip of material so I got mine for a fiver second hand off eBay.

Be kind to yourself and keep talking on here too. We're all rooting for you.

This is such a stressful situation Hanna . But I can tell in your writing and anger that you are getting stronger. The fact that you are so frustrated about the situation and want the care of your baby back would be a real positive that you are feeling more yourself again.
It’s so unfortunate that as you say you have a MIL that has a big huge gap in her life and sounds like has taken full advantage of the situation and along with that making you feel rubbish .
Hanna you are not a bad Mum you have been unwell and this will change and you will get control. Just keep going , speak to your health Visitor .
As much as you can with MIL start sentences with “ I am going to “ re feed / hold / change your baby .
I’m snowed in as well and I’m sure it adds to the isolation feeling for you.
I don’t know what you do to self harm but there are a few things that sometimes help people get some emotion out like putting a rubber band on your wrist or a hair bobble and pinging it . Or placing ice on your body .
Thinking of you.

Hanna even if no one can come to see you today, speak to the HV and get her on MN to read your thread. It must be exhausting having to deal with all of,this and then having to relay it all,again. You need support to stand your ground, get her out, how to get your husband on side and to start bonding more with your baby. She will be bonded to you, don't worry about that, she knows who you are, she was inside you for all that time. MILs problems are compounding yours. I feel for you, sending you strength.

Is your DH not up yet or does he go to work?

I know it’s easy for us to say what to do. We (or at least I) don’t have PND.

But do you feel able to go and get your child and bring her into your room? And ask MIL to make you a cup of tea? And then maybe lock the door?

If you were neglecting your child you wouldn’t feel such a strong urge to be close to her and to carrry on building the bond that started when you were carrying her. What is stopping you from doing that is your MIL putting her needs first.

Gosh I'm so angry for you op. I hope you can talk to your HV.

I don't know if it's been mentioned but if you get a place offered in a mother and baby unit it might be good to take up- they'll help you get back on your feet and you'll keep your baby with you - and get away from your MIL and 'D'H. I have a friend who went to one and it really helped her in the long term.

It's all kicked off this morning I woke up to shouting and I heard my mother in law saying to my partner give me the baby. He then came upstairs holding her and I got upset and started going mad saying I'm not a threat to my child and I want my MIL out.
I asked what all the shouting was about and apparently his mum wanted more of their family to come over and my partner said no I'm not in the right place for visitors and it caused all the arguing.
I've refused to be in the same room as her until she leaves. Ive told my partner if she doesn't leave I will request to go to a mother and baby unit.
He's gone downstairs she's still not left and he came up while I was on the phone to the doctors and said I'm not taking his child away.
He is really not willing to take responsibility and must want his mum to live with us forever!?? How can I get through this she won't leave and now they are both against me and holding my child from me

They will say I'm ill they will take her away from me

Can you start making plans to get out of there? Can you go to your mum’s next week?

Phone the crisis/HV team. They can speak to your partner over the phone and tell him that this situation is not good for you and ultimately risks your baby’s development too.

" and said I'm not taking his child away. "

But your MIL is taking YOUR child away from you!
If he doesnt want you taking "his" child away then he knows what has to happen, doesnt he? His MIL has to leave! She doesnt need to be the babies mum, the baby already HAS a mum and its you.

That determined energy and absolute "you will not" that you saw from him about the baby? Thats what YOU have the right to have as well. Channel his example and take your position back, dont let her take it from you.

@Hannabee123 I'm so angry for you reading your posts. You are absolutely amazing to put up with all of this, you are a great Mum and please don't think otherwise.

Stand your ground, ask her to leave and do not let her take your daughter anymore.

On what grounds will they take her away from you?? On the grounds that your MIL is an overbearing cow. I don't think so!

Please call the crisis team now op you are so strong.

Keep talking to us x

Lovely when you speak to someone you can show them this thread about how you want to date for your baby but are being kept away and not allowed to care for her, this is making you more ill. Tell your partner to bring you your baby for a cuddle. You need the bonding hormones as much as the baby, your MIL is dangerous.

Agree no one is going to take your child away. Your HV is in your side and is trying to gently tell you that your MIL is doing too much and not helping you, she is on your side and will be going forward from this as she can see what is happening is not good for you. Your baby is not going anywhere except back in your arms