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Original poster

MIL moved in

883 replies

Hannabee123 · 27/02/2018 18:58

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 02/03/2018 11:54

Tell him you don’t want to take his daughter anywhere you just want his mother to leave so oh can be a mother to your DD without her jumping in every two seconds!

I’m sorry you’ve been so poorly, hope you get the mess changed soon

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/03/2018 11:55

Mess = meds

Mellifera · 02/03/2018 11:57

Have you spoken to the HV?
I think someone needs to urgently talk some sense into your MIL if your DH can‘t. He should be on your side.
More relatives? Does she think it‘s her house? Thank God he argued about that with her, at least.
She‘s really trying to take over your life when you are most vulnerable.
It‘s a disgrace that you have to fight to be with your baby. My heart aches for you.
You will get through this, keep going, your strength and mental clarity will return.
You love your baby, that‘s all that matters, and she also loves you unconditionally. This rough start doesn‘t mean anything, you will emerge from it stronger.

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 11:58

They are both being extremely hostile I'm sitting upstairs on my own my daughter is downstairs I called my dad and he said they have no heating in the house due to building work and there's no room else he just wants me home now. We can't even go anywhere because of the snow the mother and baby unit is sounding more better

OP posts:
Mellifera · 02/03/2018 12:03

You can tell your DH that you will be going to the mother and baby unit, it‘s called that because mother and baby should never be separated and no health professional would ever do that, unless you are a threat to the baby and you are not.

It‘s vital for your recovery that you have your baby with you.

Go downstairs, don‘t shut yourself away. Be in the same room as the baby always and then start taking over. Let them be hostile, you are the mum, find your inner lion.

snowdrummer · 02/03/2018 12:04

Can you ask your dad to call your husband? He can hopefully try and talk some sense into him?

StaplesCorner · 02/03/2018 12:05

Whilst you are on your own make some calls - you could start with the MIND helpline here and ask if you have missed any options - although I feel that your health visitor is the best possible person - I am worried that if this escalates you won't have any support over the weekend. In our area there is meant to be a thaw tomorrow so that would mean you could get away - what area of the country are you in OP?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Merryhobnobs · 02/03/2018 12:06

What about friends? I know the weather is bad and they may be far away but maybe if you have someone you can ex plain the situation to and come around and back you up a little? Don't be afraid to talk to anyone.

cupoftea84 · 02/03/2018 12:07

I feel so angry for you OP. It's rough enough that you're not very well but to have someone pretending to help you who is so far from helping must be enraging.
I want to come round and drag her out of your house myself!
Stand your ground. She's separating you from your baby, she's controlling and abusive. If your DH was behaving as she is it would be seen as domestic abuse. Telling what you can do, what you can eat, watching you all the time. It it were your partner it'd be illegal as it'd count as DV.
Big hugs, you'll get your child back and know never to trust her ever again.

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisimmortalcurl · 02/03/2018 12:27

The crisis team will do the referral to the mother and baby unit so it would be them you should speak to it about .
You are making lots of positive moves just by speaking to people. I’m very glad you spoke to your dad . Does he live near ? It sounds like having some of your family getting involved would be good.

Withhindsight · 02/03/2018 12:31

Hanna please phone the crisis team, you will feel better in the mum and baby u it, it's all about you and baby ther, no MILs and they can talk some sense into your DH about what your MIL is doing. Given your MILs circumstances she may not be seeing things clearly either and may also get pointed towards some help she clearly needs too. Do it, phone them before the weekend starts!

ThatsWotSheSaid · 02/03/2018 12:46

Your husband and MIL are not doing what’s best for you and your DD. I think that you should both be in a unit until you are strong enough to deal with this. When you are feeling better you can set boundaries but now you need to get well. Get the crisis team to help you, that’s what they are there for.

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 12:57

Well him and his family detest me but she's gone... for now I don't know what repercussions will come because of this but I have my home and my child back.
My partner hates me I think he wanted her to live with us for god knows how long.
He said I've ruined a happy family but is a happy family to him this situation!?
My only downside is I've shat on any kind of support I have but I will find other ways and means I can't have this situation ever again I need to get better now :(
I'm so on edge but so happy
I can hear my partner on the phone to someone he's angry with me

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 02/03/2018 13:07

Hanna I still think you need to call the crisis team, we are all worried about you - your husband is part of the problem too. You need outside support away from this toxic environment.

CiderwithBuda · 02/03/2018 13:42

I’m glad she is gone. Concentrate on your baby now.

Did you see MNHQ’s post earlier up the thread? Maybe get your partner to read that. It might help him to understand. And then try to talk to him calmly.

You will be much happier now with your baby and hopefully he will see that. Explain to him that your family is your unit of three. And that is what you all need to concentrate on.

I will say though that it is quite common in Eastern Europe for grandparents to practically bring grandchildren up. So there is a huge cultural element to your MIL and partner’s viewpoint to get over too.

OutComeTheWolves · 02/03/2018 13:54

You've shat all over a happy family.
What a ridiculous thing to say. You weren't happy and you're part of the family therefore it wasn't a happy family. What he means is he was prepared to ignore your misery for an easy life.

Obviously you still have things you need to do re getting in touch with the crisis team and hv, but for now I'd enjoy the next few hours enjoying some cuddles with your dd.

OutComeTheWolves · 02/03/2018 13:55

Oops I got your two sentences mixed up - sorry. He said ruined not shat on.

Withhindsight · 02/03/2018 13:59

Great she's out for now, but you still need support to get your DH to u derstand too. He's not listening to you. Phone the crisis team, go with them, go and relax and be in a space for you and baby, no one else to think about. It's the best thing you can do for now, reach out to them, they are there to help you, don't struggle against the tide at home on your own

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2018 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2018 14:05

Oh Hanna well done, I’m so pleased for you Thanks

I’m going to be blunt. I have chronic depression and anxiety and I’m under the care of perinatal mental health. I was on suicide watch when pregnant with ds2 (now 7 months)

My gut feeling reading this? MIL and DH are huge, enormous factors in your depression. I promise promise promise that you’ve done the right thing by getting rid of her.

When you feel better you might want to have a think about your relationship. You need someone who will put you and dd above everyone else, and lets face it - he hasn’t been.

Stay strong, you can do this.

If it’s any help at all I’m in NW London, on the Herts/Bucks/Middlesex border - happy to help in any way I can xx

OliviaBenson · 02/03/2018 14:34

Well done op. But yes do ring the crisis team again and your HV and explain what's happened and the pressure you are under from your H.

You can do this! A mother and baby unit would be good for you still I think if you have the option.

StormTreader · 02/03/2018 14:38

What he means is "you were miserable but you were quiet, so that was fine for me. The MIL is now unhappy and she'll be LOUD about it and suddenly that impacts on MY life". Selfish self-centred git.

I would be thinking very carefully about if I wanted to be married to someone who has just proven that they dont care about their wife being miserable or about putting her needs above his mothers.

CotswoldStrife · 02/03/2018 14:54

OP, please call your crisis team. You have said that you have PND, that you attempted suicide and have self-harmed since your baby was born so within the last couple of months. That's a lot for your partner to cope with tbh, never mind the fact that you are both getting used to being parents which is a big change too!

catlady45 · 02/03/2018 14:57

well done hannah ! i wish your hv could come out and offer you some support. when you have spoken to them on the phone have they said what the possibility of a mother and baby unit is ? is there any aunts or other family members house you could go to so you still have support ? xxx