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Original poster

MIL moved in

883 replies

Hannabee123 · 27/02/2018 18:58

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

OP posts:
MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 01/03/2018 15:25

Hi Hannabee123,
Sorry for barging onto your thread but we just wanted to post this article we wrote about PND. www.mumsnet.com/babies/postnatal-depression
Of course it's probably very basic and you sound like you and your team are getting on top of things, but it's nice to confirm sometimes that your feelings are felt by lots of us at this vulnerable time.
Of course you know that support from MNers, while invaluable and heartfelt, is no substitute for seeing your health professionals, so we're glad that you have their support too.
Best of luck with the gentle phasing, and the most loving of congratulations on your new baby. Flowers

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 01/03/2018 22:00

I'm worried she doesn't think I'm her mother anymore

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 01/03/2018 22:33

Hanna its ok, she won't think that - your smell, your presence, its unique to her. Are you both in bed now? Can you give her a cuddle?

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 00:38

No my MIL has her every night I can't get to her.

OP posts:
Masterhasgivendobbyasock · 02/03/2018 00:49

Would you be confident enough to tell MIL tomorrow “she will be sleeping in with me tomorrow night”? I assumed the medical professionals haven’t said anything to suggest you shouldn’t have her in the same room as you, given you are very drowsy etc at the moment?

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 01:32

No nothing has been said. No one has any concerns on my ability to look after her infact I've been praised given the way I'm feeling. She just goes to bed with her in our spare room as she has done for weeks now and I can't see or get to her :( I can't sleep and I can't stop my thoughts racing and feeling so sad like a failure of a mother and like she's not going to think of me as her mother anymore I'm gutted

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 02/03/2018 02:18

You aren’t a failure Hanna. You are dealing with everything very well and your baby has a great mum. She won’t mistake anyone else for the real thing.

Have you managed to contact your HV yet and ask to be seen on your own with the baby so that you can explain what is happening?

catlady45 · 02/03/2018 02:25

I saw this earlier op and felt very sad for your situation. Well done on getting help . Being a new mum can be terribly stressfull at the best of times. I know personally i have questioned every decision ive made and felt everyones eyes on me its so draining constantly worrying about everything.

With mil, as difficult as it may be, you need to assert your authority. Doesnt need to be shouting or anything but if mil refuses to hand her over, just take her. Say 'thanks for your help ill take it from here' . If shes difficult you need to tell her how all her taking over is making you feel.

You need to speak to your partner. If your unable to then show him.this thread. He needs to be backing you up in order to help you get better. Letting someone take over is only going to exaserbate the feelings of pnd. As pp suggested, set times for her to visit would be ideal as you appreciate the support shes given so far.

You are doing a great job. Keep talking to people. You are stronger than this and you will get through it xxx

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 02:26

My health visitor is aware and she thinks it's meeting my MIL needs more than mine she's coming over in a week so I'm hoping to be able to have a private chat about it then. The snow is horrendous so no one can come to me at the moment

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 02/03/2018 02:34

You already know that you’re HV agrees with you. Have you asked DH if he agrees with HV?

And I agree that taking your own baby into your arms whenever you want is a given for a new mum. Don’t be worried about anyone’s upset. Just do it. Go in now and pick her up for a cuddle.

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 02:47

I self harmed and broke down on the phone to the crisis team tonight and told them to take me away and that I can't take it here any more. They can't get anyone out to me as our little town is completely cut off from the snow.
I have no idea how I'm going to talk myself out of this one tomorrow. I feel so disconnected from my daughter and my home and privacy. I begged them to get me out of here.
I can't carry on like this. I've stopped caring my daughter's needs are met by everyone else have I even had a child!?

Maybe they will take me away maybe it's what I need to be away from this house

OP posts:
OutComeTheWolves · 02/03/2018 02:53

Op you're having an awful time. I've just had a baby too and I completely understand that visceral need to be near your baby.

Does your mil lock her bedroom door at night? Would it be possible for you to just go in and get your baby and enjoy a cuddle with her?

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. I just want you to know I understand how you're feeling. Thanks

OverwhelminglyCrap · 02/03/2018 02:58

Oh sweetheart! You don't need taking away, you need PROPER support, not separating from your baby. Your MiL is already doing that and it's making things worse.

Wake your partner. Tell him to go get the baby and have a cuddle. Tell him that you need HIS support, not his mum's and that HE needs to take time off work, and his mum must go home. Tomorrow.

Tell him that if he doesn't support you in this you'll ask for a mother and baby unit placement because she is actively making you worse.

apni.org/mother-and-baby-units/

catlady45 · 02/03/2018 02:58

Oh hannah where is your partner ? Have you spoke to him ? You NEED to tell him how you feel and whats happened.

Your baby needs YOU. She has grown inside you, knows your voice. She loves you as you do her. Other people can look after her but its you she needs. Do loads of skin to skin with her. She will be reassured by you heartbeat, your smell, your voice. It will help you to feel relaxed too. Cooking, cleaning can wait. If your mil is desperate to help, let her do that.

catlady45 · 02/03/2018 03:02

As pp said. Wake your partner. Go get your baby and get a cuddle from her. If you feel unable to ask your partner to bring her to you xxxx

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 03:08

I don't really want to wake my baby up she's had her injections and isn't too well so I don't want to disturb her unless I really have to. Ididnt even get to say goodnight to her now I'm crying again feel like such a bag of shit

OP posts:
catlady45 · 02/03/2018 03:13

You are not a bag of shit ! You have just explained why you are not going to wake her up. You are putting her needs before your own. Thats what being a good mum is all about.

Does she wake for night feeds ? On her next feed can you go then to feed her , give her her bottle and get cuddles. ?

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 03:17

I don't even know when her next feed is I am an awful mum

She goes on all day about how awful I am for beingdepressed and how awful I am for putting her son through this

OP posts:
OutComeTheWolves · 02/03/2018 03:20

You're not a bag of shit. You're going through a really rough time with shit support.

I'm from a massive family and it feels like there's always someone else holding dd when I just want to bond with her. Then sometimes when I take her back she traitorously cries and fusses. It's just what babies do its nothing personal but it is upsetting.

All of your points are valid. You don't need support to lose weight or be given time to clean the kitchen. Beginning a lifelong bond with dd is your priority (for your dd's benefit) and your mil isn't helping with that in fact she's hindering it.

You need to come up with a plan to start taking control because time is so precious when they're this young.

softouch · 02/03/2018 03:20

Sweetheart, where's your partner?

catlady45 · 02/03/2018 03:22

You are not an awful mum. Mil should be supporting you, not taking over. Shes the awful one for saying things like that to you.

Wake your husband . You really need to talk to him. Being open and communicating with each other is whats going to help you get through this x

Original poster
Hannabee123 · 02/03/2018 03:27

He's being unsupportive and more than happy to take a back seat. He's treated me like crap tonight I really have no desire waking him up. Just lying here thinking of how to solve this mess and reclaim my home

I'm going to try and call my health visitor again first thing I just hope she's working the weather is that bad I can't imagine many people working at all tomorrow :(

OP posts:
Srilli · 02/03/2018 03:33

You poor thing! You are not a terrible Mum at all!! You are unwell and are doing everything you can to be well again. You are an incredibly strong and brave mum to be fighting the battle you are and asking for help. You and your baby have a future worth fighting for. Please speak to your husband now and tell him that his mother is doing is disempowering you. What you need isn’t someone taking over your role as mother but someone who can facilitate supporting you in your mothering tasks by doing whatever it is you feel you need them to! I really hope your mother in law is just oblivious and not doing this purposefully but you need your husband to advocate for you to her to get your baby back in your arms. Having your baby physically close and cuddling her lots will help with bonding and release of oxytocin which is a relaxing and happy hormone.

Thinking of you and hope you can manage to wake your OH and get some support ASAP. You are going to get through this! Xx

softouch · 02/03/2018 03:34

I really feel sad for you, OP. All we can all do now is help you be calm and get you through the night.
In the morning things will be clearer.
Start then caring for YOUR baby without MIL's help. Just say YOU want to do her feed etc and that you are going to. Let her observe (I know you don't want that but......) and show her you're capable and functioning.

Mellifera · 02/03/2018 03:53

It‘s quite chilling to read how your DH and MIL treat you.
They are not helping you to get better.
It‘s ok they are worried, but making you feel shit because you have a mental health problem is not on.
You need to make it clear to the health professionals what exactly they are doing, keeping you from your baby is cruel.

You are not a shit mum, you‘ve hardly had any opportunity to bond with your baby. How would you know when the next feed is if your baby is kept in a different room?
It will happen, don‘t worry. I had PND and the bond developed once the fog had cleared.
Have you got a friend who could come over and help you?

Don‘t worry about your baby not thinking you are her mum. She recognises your heart beat, voice and smell, you‘ve grown her. Your MIL can‘t change that.
All the best!