MIL moved in

[Hannabee123]

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

The relationship with my own parents has crumbled they have been quite abusive and mean about my PND as they do not understand mental health illnesses well. They do live far away and it isn't easy especially now to see them.

It's making me feel more distant from my baby. I feel under 24 hour watch and I feel like my MIL is being a gatekeeper constantly hovering and as I said that example with having my daughter near me while I did my makeup.

My partner is worried about me not me being left alone with my daughter he knows I wouldn't just up and leave her because I do love her she's a great little person it's just me.
I can understand there is alot of stereotypes for PND mums to want to harm their babies but I in no way feel like this. I guess I get if my mother in law feels the same way as someone mentioned on the thread, if she doesn't want to leave because she feels I may harm her.
I get it but I've shown no aggression or any reason for concern in that area. My daughter's keeping me going if anything.

I spoke to my partner and he was abit miffed and maybe slightly not on the same page as me. Going to see what I can do as I can't tolerate this going on much longer I want my daughter back I want my home back I want to be able to cook meals again instead of considering a slice of toast a meal.

I'm feel so sad

You must feel pretty bad but MIL lives around the corner you can compromise and she can come visit for a couple of hours? Not at meal times!!!

It’s ok to feel sad op.
It also ok to want your home back. Tell your mil whilst you appreciate her help, you want to get back to normal and it’s time to go home. If this is going to be an issue get the health professionals to support you.
Tell your DP he needs to step up.
Easier said than done I know but perhaps this is the first step in the road to recovery.

OP we are here for you so if you need to keep talking do so. It sounds like your MIL is using the situation to gain lots of baby cuddles, otherwise she’d be doing all your housework etc to help wouldn’t she?

I can relate re your own family struggles, I’m now nc with my entire family due to historic abuse and my mil is a typical cantankerous old hag so we are on our own. It’s been v tough and takes a lot of time to process. What’s important here is you bonding with your daughter. She is your family and your future and your mil needs to bugger off so you can have that bond. If your dh doesn’t understand that your mil is a hindrance rather than a help then it’s possible he isn’t a great help for you either. Does he understand mh problems, is he supportive and a good listener?

Time to take control and say to mil you need your home and your baby back. Come back and vent here as much as you need to. X

This sounds awful. It's not really up to your partner if you don't want MIL in the house all day when he isn't even there. She's sounds suffocating.
I'd definitely explain to the HV or HCP how you feel and perhaps get them to tell MIL it's time for her to leave. She can still visit if she lives locally.
Taking your baby away from you is just not on really and doesn't sound at all like she's trying to help.

Remember it’s YOUR home and YOUR daughter- no matter how overbearing your MIL is this is your life and she needs to butt out.

She's taking away this precious time with your baby. She needs to leave, tomorrow. If she doesn't it might be an idea to rent somewhere else for a while and live there alone with your baby during the week. You need this time to bond.

She can leave today! She lives one street away...

She can go home and you can spend the day on your own and you will phone if you need her!!

Your MIL sounds overbearing and as if she's doing this for HER, not you.

I'd tell her your HV and MH team have said it would be better for you if MIL moved out. Ask her to move back home. Say you'd like to bond with your dc more. Maybe your HV could come round and have a word with MIL, back you up?

Your h also needs to be more supportive. Most women with PND do not harm their babies! However, if you have recently tried to kill yourself, he and everyone else must be really worried about you.

How about compromising with MIL that she can come round every day for half an hour or something? Or ask her to do specific things (not cuddle the baby) that will help you?

Good luck, OP, and I hope you feel better soon.

I'm happy for her to come over even though I've not been in the best mind set about her. She is the only means of support I guess but her help is mostly revolved around dealing with my daughter. I wipe up the messes and tidy the house and cook meals and shop when I can.
I spoke to my health visitor about making myself purposely sick because I feel guilty eating. She said I need my nutrition and if I want to eat junk or cook hearty cottage pies, lasagne and stuff I should bloody well do it. She made some comments to my MIL when she was around but still I'm being encouraged not to eat meals like that and my MIL isn't even thin and has diabetes so I don't know!?
Just feel so judged.

The most upsetting part is she will hand my daughter to me rarely and when she starts crying she will come straight over and my daughter will smile at her. It breaks my heart and spirit. I've started smoking again after years and I just went out for a fag this morning it was too much for me to bear. Again the thoughts of her taking over and my daughter preferring and relying on her more cos she's just constantly over her.

I will tell my MIL things and she will say 'I know I know what she's like I've been with her all the time for weeks now.' And again just breaks my heart.

I would love no more than to settle my daughter down today, make a nice big cottage pie and sit with the wood burner going. Instead I'm sitting upstairs feeling like a total bag of shit.

I wish I'd never of got so ill and gave her a window to come in like this. I'm happy for help but I barely spend an hour a day holding my child or doing anything for her I'm just useless

You are NOT useless.
Your MIL needs to leave. Today.
This is absolutely about her, and meeting her needs. Yes she may have been helpful to start with, but now she is making it worse.
Your daughter is just that, YOUR daughter. Nothing can change that.
Do you feel strong enough to stand up to your MIL, just a bit? Could you say you want some time with DD, maybe take her for a walk?
You just sound so sad op, this thread is making me furious!
Would your health visitor speak to her maybe?

She talks in polish alot to my partner and daughter I can't understand them

My partner says he doesn't want his mom out yet because the tablets I take make me tired and sleepy I've asked to change them and the doctor only works a few days a week so the team doctor can't see me Friday so I have more of an argument if they change my tablets so I can have my house back I could cry

I just want to be well again and have this all stop

Your MIL sounds a total nightmare who is actually making your depression worse. For the sake of your health, you really need to get her out of the house.
Could you ask your CPN to speak to her directly, so you are spared having to face a confrontation yourself when you may not feel strong enough to deal with her?
Please don’t feel that you are useless or a bad mother - you’re just being undermined by a selfish woman who doesn’t have a clue how to properly support you. She should be doing the housework chores and allowing you to spend time caring for your baby. And I could slap her for criticising you - what a cow!
None of this is your fault. You didn’t choose to be ill, and you are actually coping incredibly well if you’re still managing to even get up and dressed with that bitch sniping at you all the time!
I hope that you soon have your house to yourself again, perhaps with a professional home help or some non judgmental support. Postnatal depression has a good prognosis, and usually responds well to medication. Keep your chin up, and look forward to the time when you feel better, with more energy and start being able to enjoy life and your baby.
Sending you a big hug, and my prayers for your speedy recovery. God bless.

If you don't feel able to ask her to leave yet, could you talk to her about the way she helps you. If you can, get the HV to tell her that baby needs to be with YOU to bond. She can help by cleaning, cooking, washing. She doesn't get to take over your daughter.
Then every time she goes to baby you can say 'oh MIL I need to do this myself, perhaps you could get a bottle ready/wash up from lunch etc'.
If she refuses it may be easier to ask her to leave as she's shown she isn't there to help you at all.

MIL has to go

What time of day are you taking your tablets? Sometimes you can change when you take them and symptoms will improve.

As they're not listening to you m, you need to get the hv to tell you dh and mil that it's best for mil to now move out. Maybe a compromise where she comes over between 10-11 and again 2-3 or something. She's only a street away! Please be forceful with the hv about it; it really sounds like mil is hindering your recovery rather than helping!

I think those being nasty about the MIL are missing the point somewhat. OP tried to kill herself. She is clearly very very unwell mentally. Do any of you think for a moment that if you had a tiny grandchild you would not be extremely worried about them being in the care of someone struggling so much?

OP please speak to your HV asap, you need you baby back and your life back, it's like your an outside and that's what she wants.
You can do this OP, stay stong

I'd say something along the lines of 'Thanks for staying the last few weeks it was a big help, I'm feeling much better now and think it would help for us to all go back to normal routine, but give me a ring whenever you want to come by and I'll let you know if we're free'

Do any of you think for a moment that if you had a tiny grandchild you would not be extremely worried about them being in the care of someone struggling so much? - so much that you'd go round to criticise your DiL? The MiL has contributed to the OP's PND Tinky - its you who is missing the point.

Or perhaps OP's version of events is not straightforward due to the severe mh issues she is currently struggling with?

OP, you need help, lots of it. If your MIL is not helping you, you need to find it elsewhere. You also need serious professional intervention, not outraged sympathisers on Mumsnet.

I’m not missing the point , the OP is under daily risk assessment by the crisis team. Lots of people have advised the OP to speak to the medical professionals involved in her care and express what a detrimental effect her MIL is having . If they felt that it was not a good idea for the MIL to move out I’m sure they would say and or dicuss other options .
What meds are you thinking of changing OP?

I'm not a risk to her though I have mental health professionals each day and calling I can't get any more support from them than I am already getting. I'm not a lunatic I'm just depressed and want my home back