MIL moved in

[Hannabee123]

Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss

She's just had her first baby injections and straight home MIL is there soothing her and won't give her to me

Hi Hanna, you need to be firm, and get your MIL out, with the support of your HV.
Maybe she could come round for an hour each morning, and an hour in the afternoon, just for a week or so, until you are back in the swing of things.
You're doing so well, you really are, and it's great that you feel up to taking charge of your daughter. 🌺 Keep cooking Lovely !

Have the team been yet today? Please speak to them.
You really need this to change.

FFS. get her off your MIL. If she won't give the baby up then call the HV. THIS is what is affecting your mental health.

And if MIL has a key to your house, take it back.

Walk over to your MIL and take the baby from her arms. Tell her that you’d like her to move back home today. Tell her that her actions are impacting your health massively. Take control back. Take the key back. You can do it.

Your husband and your MIL shouldn’t be talking in another language around you, that’s very rude as it leaves you out.

OP I wonder if you’d be better off away from both of them? You sound suffocated and like they don’t understand you at all. Do you have a friend or anything IRL for support?

Can you ring the health visitor and say she is making things worse and you need some help getting rid of her. Or tell the people who come see you each day?
Your husband needs to help you more with this. Take your baby to your room and don't let her take her off you if you can.

Start with small bites.

1. EVERYTime they speak polish around you say erm Speak English please. Every single time.
2. If she tries to take your baby out of your arms say I’m the mother thank you.
3. Say today can you do the laundry/hoover/clean the kitchen.

Then you sit with the baby and a cup of tea.
Your partner sounds like he doesn’t want the responsibility of you and the baby and is passing it on to his mum. That needs to be stopped.

Can you call your parents and ask if you can move back home until you start feeling better able to cope without MIL/anyone else?

I think you just need to get away from both DH and MIL. They shouldn't be treating you like this.

Take baby and go.

I want to hug you OP.

First of all, do you have privacy whelp you're talking to your HV/MPs? It's really important that you do so you can be open. Ideally out of the house so you know no one can hear what you say but that may not be possible. But you do need to be one on one.

Tell them how you feel. Ask if they have any concerns about you being alone with DD. Outline what you would like to happen and what they feel would be right.

Once that is done set up as meeting with you, your DH and your MIL. But led by your HV/MP. The meeting is about how things should be going forward. The HV will angle it so it's what you agreed but able to reassure on any fears. Make an agreement there with the HV supporting you. Say when you review it. And make it clear that unless something goes wrong and the HV agrees it needs changing you will stick to the agreement until the review at x date. With the HV backing you up I think you have a far better chance of your DH listening. They really can't argue with the professional.

Best of luck and remember, you're not alone.

I find these comments telling OP what to do extremely dangerous. The OP isn’t in the best mindset and it’s ridiculous to support and egg her on when none of us know the full picture.

Please stop undermining the OP. She knows how she is being treated and she knows it's not okay.

@Hannabee123 if you can't stand up to your MIL yet and your partner won't, please write a note and hand it over on your next visit from crisis, saying for them to insist on seeing you alone from now on and your MIL needs to leave the house from now on so you can have your appointment in private. Then you can say what you need to say and they can support you to stop this person fucking with your mental health.

Sounds like a nightmare!

You need to get DH onboard and quickly - there's no reason for her to be there all the time

Ask him to ask her to leave or say you will!!

Shifty that's why the first point I made is to talk to the HV and make sure they're happy for her to look after DD alone and agree with any plan. We are not on the ground. But I do think if they are happy then something needs to change and OP needs a plan for how to make it happen.

These early weeks are so precious and this woman is ruining this time for you. It passes by so quickly and you will never get this time with your daughter back. Also if she is spending so much of this time with your daughter it could interfere with the bonding process between you and your baby. Your mil sounds like a very self absorbed woman. You need to get your partner on board (speak to him with your HV present if you think that would help) then I honestly think you need to get your mil out of the house. What an utterly heart breaking situation this must be for you. She is YOUR baby how dare she deny you access to your own child. Who on earth does she think she is?

I find these comments telling OP what to do extremely dangerous. The OP isn’t in the best mindset and it’s ridiculous to support and egg her on when none of us know the full picture

Yes, I agree. It's extremely irresponsible to tell someone who clearly is having severe difficulties to cut off all support. One pp even told her to get rid of the DH and MIL both. This is a suicidal woman, fgs. No-one here should be advising her.

OP needs to talk to her mental health team about her problems. There is no other course of action that will work to produce a good result.

I think the majority of comment have advised her to speak to her mental health team who will hopefully help and give a knowledge opinion on the situation.
I feel so sorry for you OP and I really hope you manage to speak to someone or write it down . Honestly the team seeing you will have come across similar situations before.

“Knowledgeable”

“this woman is ruining this time for you.”

“I think you need to get away from your DH”

Just the last few posts alone. Who the fuck do you lot think you’re helping here? Certainly not a suicidal woman with a newborn.

Well I think it quite clear that her mother in law is having a negative effect which certainly will not be helping with the OP’s view of herself as a Mum . She has quite clearly said that she appreciates and will continue to appreciate the support given but on a much more intense level.
That’s fair enough isn’t it .

Much less intense level ffs!

I'm trying to keep everyone happy and soldier on

I get people are worried about me but I would never do anything to impact or harm my child. I wouldn't kill myself if I was alone I wasn't when I tried.

I do have very little support friends and family wise so I can't afford to just dismiss her but I absolutely loathe her living with us and judging me I feel it is is being a really negative effect.

My health visitor said it would be a good idea to phase her out. The crisis team haven't said much about it as their job primarily is to make sure I'm still alive each day and not at risk

I'm going to wait to see if my tablets are changed by the team MH doctor tomorrow so my partner has no worries about me being too tired. Try and phase her out over the weekend and I really hope she is out by nextweek. Atleast if I can control her coming over I can avoid meal times and being judged and being able to cook a decent meal. Even being able to spend more time with my daughter will make me happier

If my tablets don't change I don't want things to get on top of me and become desperate again :(

You need to push them to change your tablets. It takes a few tries on ADs usually to get the one hat works for you. Don't be fobbed off.
Also side effects can last up to 6 weeks so make sure you give them enough time to start working properly. When I started taking mine they completely knocked me out for a few weeks. It took about a month for them to settle.

Walk over to mil and take your baby. Say we are just going upstairs for a little cuddle. Make sure you use clear terms - I found saying less direct things like ‘oh I should feed him’ didn’t work with my mil, I actually had to say I will feed him now and take him. And can you get your dh to do the same - pick up baby and hand to you?

ShiftmcGifty Have you worked with women with PND before? Because I have, and overreacting like her DH and MIL do is clearly making her worse, which is actually more dangerous. The OP knows that she had PND and is seeking active help for it. She needs to be supported. Not policed like a criminal.

Op, you're taking the right steps here. Phasing her out sounds like a good plan.