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Original poster

Dilemma with husband smacking teen

231 replies

DutchSmartie · 20/01/2018 11:32

Hi, i'm new here and don't know who to turn to for advice.

My husband is ordinarily a very lovely man. Our friends think he's fantastic. However when he gets angry (and his moods can be brittle), he often says and does things that are very inappropriate. He has astonishingly poor emotional control at times.

So on the odd occasion when he is angry at our daughter, who is 15 now, he has lashed out at her. She is quite mouthy and doesnt back down easily, but whenever this has happened, I've addressed it - its not okay, he should never lash out at her or anyone etc but he is usually furious back - i never support him in arguments, he barely touched her, she's over-reacting to get attention etc. I've witnessed him slap her, push her hard against the wall, and kick her hard enough off the bed for her to fall heavily on the floor. He never ever apologises to her, or admits his behaviour was inappropriate. I've talked to her about it, and that while he should apologise, he almost certainly is ashamed of his behaviour, and that he is a product of his own upbringing, and the est she can hope for is to learn from it for when she becomes a parent. But it feels woefully inadequate. If i broach it with him, he gets angry, accuses me (an her) of being a liar, and of fabricating these events.

Lately, whenever he taps her or brushes her aside when he's annoyed, she becomes mouthy, shouts to take his hands off her and to stop hitting her. Invariably he becomes furious at her accusations, and punishes her in some way like cutting off her internet, taking her phone, banning her from a party. If i haven't witnessed these events, only the shouty aftermath, I can't really comment on whether his behaviour on those occasions was or was not appropriate.

The problem is that he then turns his anger on me for not backing him up. Apparently i should be equally cross at our daughter for making these 'false accusations'. The fact that i didn't see the event doesn't come into it. If i make the mistake of saying that, hence implying that in fact he could have hit, smacked or otherwise hurt her, or remind him that he has in fact done so in the past, he threatens to leave me for emotional abuse, sleeps elsewhere, sulks etc.

Meanwhile my daughter is furious at being punished for something she hasn't done - ie her dad got mad and lashed out at her and is now punishing her (as well as the silent fury and sulking). She's furious at me for not taking her side, for not making him apologise for lashing out at her, for not undoing the punishment.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't want to undermine him and his relationship with her further. I hate it that he lashes out when cross, verbally and physically. I hate it that he has no respect for her physical boundaries, and even pushing her or her hand away is not okay if she says its not okay. i hate that i'm being made to not support her in feeling that she can set these boundaries, or that if they are crossed she must stay silent and take the punishment so as not to set him off further. I cant talk to him about it without him becoming angry and accusing me of lying, and I have no idea what to say to her about it.

Please help :(

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 20/01/2018 19:08

Holy shit. This is one of the worst things I've ever read on here.

I hope your daughter does tell someone like school so that this is taken out of both of your hands.

KindDogsTail · 20/01/2018 19:08

he threatens to leave me for emotional abuse, sleeps elsewhere, sulks etc

You should leave him, now.

Whatififall · 20/01/2018 19:10

Why have you not left him? He is physically abusing your daughter. Domestic Violence is never ok. Leave him and keep her safe.

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LyraPotter · 20/01/2018 19:14

Your daughter shouldn't have to live with this man who abuses her. How frightened and hurt and angry must she be? It doesn't matter that she's mouthy, she's a child, and she's being abused by a person she should be able to trust. You have to protect her - if that means moving away from her abuser then so be it.

Beamur · 20/01/2018 19:19

With respect OP, I think you are trying too hard to see the good in your husband.
True teens can sometimes wind you up, but this is no excuse for his abuse.
Sometimes when you're in a dysfunctional family, it is so 'normal' to you that you don't see it for what it is.
Your husbands behaviour really isn't on and your daughter is being harmed.

OverTheParapet · 20/01/2018 19:32

The OP won't return

MimpiDreams · 20/01/2018 19:42

This was my childhood. Sure enough I jumped into an abusive relationship to 'escape' at 17. Many years down the line and I'm finally settled in a loving relationship but I still struggle with my demons. I haven't seen my mum in years.

ThatWasNotLove · 20/01/2018 19:44

OP she's traumatised. He can brush her but the minute he's anywhere near her her primal reaction is one of flight/fright/fight/fawn (hers is fight). She actually can't really help it because her baseline of stress on a daily basis is absolutely huge.

Who cares if he doesn't apologise. It would mean zero, because a few months later he does it again. And ALL THAT TIME she's running in nervous energy not able to fully relax.

If he was actually sorry, he'd move out, speak to the GP, insist on getting help, read books, go to every therapy appointment and do everything** the therapist suggested. He's not sorry. He does it again.

Your daughter only has one adolescence. He had his, you had yours, this is hers. You, yes you, are making it awful for her. He abuses her and you allow him.

If anybody, father of my child or not, "may" abuse my child even once, they'd not be living under my roof. Or I wouldn't be under theirs.

Do whatever it takes to get her safe from him. He can try to change in the meantime, or not, but at least she will have space to feel safe (which won't be overnight because she has to learn she can trust her mother again. You've got a lot of work to do there).

needapaddle · 20/01/2018 19:58

I really hope that if he didn’t leave then you did. I also hope you have listened to the majority on this thread and understood that you ARE condoning the abuse by standing by and letting it happen, three times in two years is three times too many.

If you don’t take action you are complicit in the abuse and therefore failing your daughter. As a daughter who was failed in a similar way I can assure you she will never forgive you if you allow it to continue. Please stop making excuses and step up & face reality, for your children’s sake.

verystressedmum · 20/01/2018 20:16

What the fuck are you actually going on about op are you seriously watching your husband be physically violent to your CHILD and do nothing.
The poor child has to fight back and stand up for herself because her mother does nothing to stop it or protect her.
Your husband is a cunt.

Your daughter will cut ties with the both of you when she’s old enough to do so and I do t blame her.
I’d kill my dh if he did this to any of my children. Luckily he’s not a child beater.

annandale · 20/01/2018 20:19

It's not 3 times in 2 years. It's every single day, because your dd has no idea whether it will happen or not at any time.

After you and your dd have left, tell a friend that your h kicked a child off her bed. If they really thought he was lovely (and you might be surprised) that should sort that out.

AdalindSchade · 20/01/2018 20:22

Of course she 'overreacts' when he is physically threatening to her, he has assaulted her several times! Poor child is either scared, angry or trying to avoid further assault from him.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 20/01/2018 20:27

It's happened three times in two years that you know of.

If a child I taught told me her father had done this once to her, let alone several times, I'd not be letting her go home from school that day until safe guarding steps had been taken. Our child protection officer would be contacting the police and SS. Who would then decide whether or not she would be going home at all.

Kick him out. Make sure all your friends and family know why and then you'll see how great they think he is. You are her mother it is your job to protect her even if it is her own father she needs protecting from.

GoldfishCrackers · 20/01/2018 20:28

Your friends wouldn't think he was lovely if he'd done to them what he's done to your daughter.

So he's never hit you. Nor, I presume, anyone who would offer him real consequences. Sounds like he's got excellent anger management skills; he's choosing to hit his DD because he can.

His threat to leave was to get you back in line. He predicted you'd get so scared about being a lone parent to 3 children that you'd never challenge him again about hitting your DD. He's not going to leave or stop hitting your DD. So you've got to make the decisions now. What are you going to do?

TitaniasCloset · 20/01/2018 20:28

OP is in denial and I doubt she will come back.

lynmilne65 · 20/01/2018 20:34

Why bother with comments as it's obviously not going to help as op will not change

Zbag · 20/01/2018 20:39

This is quite horrifying to read, I would genuinely call the police if I saw my husband be violent towards our children.

Kittykat93 · 20/01/2018 20:45

If my partner laid one finger on one of my children I'd kick him straight in the bollocks and then straight out the door. Do the right thing, be a good mother.

ragmayo · 20/01/2018 20:48

It's an awful situation for you to be in, but you need to look at facts and not involve feelings. What he's doing is so wrong, and it's worsened by him not even recognising it. You obviously love your daughter a lot, that's clear but this is an almighty head f*ck of a situation for you both. Only you can choose what you do. A child needs to be protected by their parents and your home is where you should feel safe.
Ask yourself what advice you'd give a friend whose boyfriend was doing this, or a stranger. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter x

Jb291 · 20/01/2018 20:49

Your poor daughter. You should be protecting her and ensuring she is safe and happy and you are allowing your pathetic husband to assault her. This is not discipline this is abuse and you are complicit if you keep allowing him to do this.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 21:06

My husband is ordinarily a very lovely man

No, he isn't.

I know denial is a powerful thing, but it really winds me up when i read stuff like this. Your daughter is being abused and you are enabling it. Sort yourself out and remove him or yourself and your daughter from the situation.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Rewn7 · 20/01/2018 21:13

You told her, ”the best she can hope for is to learn from it for when she becomes a parent.”

WOW Confused

You told your DD that when a man she’s supposed to trust is violent against her, the best she can do is “learn from it”

I have no words for this. Shame on you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/01/2018 00:56

Your husband is a violent abusive arse hole. Help him leave and change the locks behind him.

glitterbiscuits · 21/01/2018 01:10

Your poor daughter.

Is it just her he bullies?

As a mother your job is to protect your child above all else.

I hope she recovers from this sort of upbringing

CircleofWillis · 21/01/2018 03:38

OP please come back and let us know that you and your DC are safe. Has your husband left yet? Protect yourselves by going to the police and filing a police report. This will help you to get a restraining order to keep him away.

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