Hi, i'm new here and don't know who to turn to for advice.
My husband is ordinarily a very lovely man. Our friends think he's fantastic. However when he gets angry (and his moods can be brittle), he often says and does things that are very inappropriate. He has astonishingly poor emotional control at times.
So on the odd occasion when he is angry at our daughter, who is 15 now, he has lashed out at her. She is quite mouthy and doesnt back down easily, but whenever this has happened, I've addressed it - its not okay, he should never lash out at her or anyone etc but he is usually furious back - i never support him in arguments, he barely touched her, she's over-reacting to get attention etc. I've witnessed him slap her, push her hard against the wall, and kick her hard enough off the bed for her to fall heavily on the floor. He never ever apologises to her, or admits his behaviour was inappropriate. I've talked to her about it, and that while he should apologise, he almost certainly is ashamed of his behaviour, and that he is a product of his own upbringing, and the est she can hope for is to learn from it for when she becomes a parent. But it feels woefully inadequate. If i broach it with him, he gets angry, accuses me (an her) of being a liar, and of fabricating these events.
Lately, whenever he taps her or brushes her aside when he's annoyed, she becomes mouthy, shouts to take his hands off her and to stop hitting her. Invariably he becomes furious at her accusations, and punishes her in some way like cutting off her internet, taking her phone, banning her from a party. If i haven't witnessed these events, only the shouty aftermath, I can't really comment on whether his behaviour on those occasions was or was not appropriate.
The problem is that he then turns his anger on me for not backing him up. Apparently i should be equally cross at our daughter for making these 'false accusations'. The fact that i didn't see the event doesn't come into it. If i make the mistake of saying that, hence implying that in fact he could have hit, smacked or otherwise hurt her, or remind him that he has in fact done so in the past, he threatens to leave me for emotional abuse, sleeps elsewhere, sulks etc.
Meanwhile my daughter is furious at being punished for something she hasn't done - ie her dad got mad and lashed out at her and is now punishing her (as well as the silent fury and sulking). She's furious at me for not taking her side, for not making him apologise for lashing out at her, for not undoing the punishment.
I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't want to undermine him and his relationship with her further. I hate it that he lashes out when cross, verbally and physically. I hate it that he has no respect for her physical boundaries, and even pushing her or her hand away is not okay if she says its not okay. i hate that i'm being made to not support her in feeling that she can set these boundaries, or that if they are crossed she must stay silent and take the punishment so as not to set him off further. I cant talk to him about it without him becoming angry and accusing me of lying, and I have no idea what to say to her about it.
Please help :(