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Original poster

Dilemma with husband smacking teen

231 replies

DutchSmartie · 20/01/2018 11:32

Hi, i'm new here and don't know who to turn to for advice.

My husband is ordinarily a very lovely man. Our friends think he's fantastic. However when he gets angry (and his moods can be brittle), he often says and does things that are very inappropriate. He has astonishingly poor emotional control at times.

So on the odd occasion when he is angry at our daughter, who is 15 now, he has lashed out at her. She is quite mouthy and doesnt back down easily, but whenever this has happened, I've addressed it - its not okay, he should never lash out at her or anyone etc but he is usually furious back - i never support him in arguments, he barely touched her, she's over-reacting to get attention etc. I've witnessed him slap her, push her hard against the wall, and kick her hard enough off the bed for her to fall heavily on the floor. He never ever apologises to her, or admits his behaviour was inappropriate. I've talked to her about it, and that while he should apologise, he almost certainly is ashamed of his behaviour, and that he is a product of his own upbringing, and the est she can hope for is to learn from it for when she becomes a parent. But it feels woefully inadequate. If i broach it with him, he gets angry, accuses me (an her) of being a liar, and of fabricating these events.

Lately, whenever he taps her or brushes her aside when he's annoyed, she becomes mouthy, shouts to take his hands off her and to stop hitting her. Invariably he becomes furious at her accusations, and punishes her in some way like cutting off her internet, taking her phone, banning her from a party. If i haven't witnessed these events, only the shouty aftermath, I can't really comment on whether his behaviour on those occasions was or was not appropriate.

The problem is that he then turns his anger on me for not backing him up. Apparently i should be equally cross at our daughter for making these 'false accusations'. The fact that i didn't see the event doesn't come into it. If i make the mistake of saying that, hence implying that in fact he could have hit, smacked or otherwise hurt her, or remind him that he has in fact done so in the past, he threatens to leave me for emotional abuse, sleeps elsewhere, sulks etc.

Meanwhile my daughter is furious at being punished for something she hasn't done - ie her dad got mad and lashed out at her and is now punishing her (as well as the silent fury and sulking). She's furious at me for not taking her side, for not making him apologise for lashing out at her, for not undoing the punishment.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't want to undermine him and his relationship with her further. I hate it that he lashes out when cross, verbally and physically. I hate it that he has no respect for her physical boundaries, and even pushing her or her hand away is not okay if she says its not okay. i hate that i'm being made to not support her in feeling that she can set these boundaries, or that if they are crossed she must stay silent and take the punishment so as not to set him off further. I cant talk to him about it without him becoming angry and accusing me of lying, and I have no idea what to say to her about it.

Please help :(

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 20/01/2018 14:02

It may never happen again, or it may.

It will happen again. Until your daughter leaves or you throw him out.

He is still here, hasn't left yet.

So what are YOU going to do? Because he probably won't go. It's just a ploy to keep you in line.

You're still minimising. "Taps" your daughter's hand out of the way? I don't believe for a second that's the appropriate word, and even if it were, that's a horribly disrespectful way to behave to someone who is nearly a young woman and deserves to have her boundaries respected.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 14:03

he has no right to be furious because she is not overeacting. He should not be touching her at all in anger. Shes a 15 year old girl not a toddler getting a tap on the hand (not that i think that is okay either but it is different). The psychological impact of him striking out at her physically when angry will be horrendous. It doesnt matter if he is seriously hurting her or not. She is still witnessing physical aggression towards her which is incredibly damaging. If he kicked you off a bed how would you react? How would you feel? Dont let him minimise this. Its no wonder she reacts badly. I bloody would too!

Figgygal · 20/01/2018 14:05

Let him bloody go!!
What a piece of shit

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NovemberWitch · 20/01/2018 14:05

He needs to leave, he needs counselling for rage and violence. You need to stop dithering and protect your daughter from her abuser, and tell her you are there to be her shield. Why are you questioning what needs to happen?
I hope she has told an adult at school. Someone needs to make the children their priority. How old are your other two?

ToffeeUp · 20/01/2018 14:08

Your daughter will leave before he does.

Whowhatwhy · 20/01/2018 14:09

What does "taps her hand out of the way" actually mean OP? I'm struggling to picture that.

If you love your daughter as a mother should you should be telling the bastard to get out, not waiting for him to call the shots. My dh would never dream of hurting our girls but I swear to God if he did that would be the end of our marriage. That day. No second chances. My dds deserve to know that they are worth than that. Doesn't yours?

thisisminnie · 20/01/2018 14:10

“It may never happen again, or it may.”

This is what’s horrible - the anticipation. Always walking on eggshells, never knowing when it’s going to happen.

bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 14:10

Your husband curtails his abuse in front of other people but abuses your daughter and gives you aggro if you don't make enough excuses for him. Your husband is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm guessing you have spent a long time learning to manage his moods and tiptoing around him so you don't set him off. Please do not continue to enable him to abuse your daughter. Please get some help to do the appropriate thing which is to leave him. Your posts are riddled with excuses for his appalling behaviour.

bialystockandbloom · 20/01/2018 14:10

Jesus OP why haven't you just walked out with your children already? He's clearly not going to. He's a vicious childbeating bastard. Your poor dd. She's begged you to help protect her. She's already learnt that you won't do so. You have one chance to salvage any relationship you have with her by taking steps now to protect her and walk out with her. Not only has she suffered at his hands, she'll hate you forever if you continue to fail to look after her.

The description of him kicking her off the bed is chilling Sad What a cunt he is.

Whowhatwhy · 20/01/2018 14:11

If you stay with him OP, you are part of the abuse.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 14:12

No way is he leaving

PoorYorick · 20/01/2018 14:16

My question was around his fury over her (in his view) over-reacting when he (for example) taps her hand out of the way.

Of course he'll think she's overreacting. He's always right. She's just a mouthy female and he has every right to touch her any time however he likes. He's slapped and kicked her but it's her responsibility to know when he's "just" tapping her and to submit to it, right?

God, what are the pair of you trying to do to her?

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/01/2018 14:16

She is not ‘being mouthy’ or ‘overreacting’! She’s trying to protect herself from the people who are supposed to protect her before even herself.

For gods sake step up for her and get him out before it’s too late for her mental health.

Starlight2345 · 20/01/2018 14:16

He is not planning to leave he is packing for effect.
You think it is tough for you not knowing if he will or won’t hit her imagine how she feels at 15 . I hope she does tell a teacher so someone can protect her.

Do the freedom program op . You can do it online . I suspect you are already been emotionally abused .

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 20/01/2018 14:16

My Nan abused my Mum and the family knew, yet NOTHING was done about it.

What is so hard to grasp is how you minimise and justify his behaviour.

Her behaviour is teenage behaviour.
Your 'D'H's behaviour is disgraceful.
Your current behaviour isn't protective at all.

MorningstarMoon · 20/01/2018 14:17

OP you are minimising his behaviour. What kind of mother allows this to happen to her child!

Don't wait for the abusive f* to leave, kick him out of the house. I can't believe you didn't do it when he booted your daughter off the bed.

DuckWaddle · 20/01/2018 14:18

As the mother of your child you're there to protect her- this is abusive behaviour. Protect your child

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2018 14:18

My question was around his fury over her (in his view) over-reacting when he (for example) taps her hand out of the way He seems to think he can do what he likes to her. Of course he over reacts to his touch, she isn't sure what he is going to do to her.

His touch has become a threat to her.

Say my dh touches our daughter on her arm, she says "please don't do that" and he stops. Needless to say, if he had a history of hitting her, she would (quite rightly and fully supported by me) slap his hand away. Mind you, he wouldn't have a history of hitting her, he'd be long gone.

PoorYorick · 20/01/2018 14:19

She's 15. What's his excuse for being a self centred twat with no impulse control who thinks the world, and women's bodies, revolve around him?

ptumbi · 20/01/2018 14:20

My question was around his fury over her (in his view) over-reacting when he (for example) taps her hand out of the way. - so she is 'over-reacting'? So, it's her fault. And whatever comes her way, it's her fault - for annoying him, for over reacting, for 'pushing his buttons'... it's her fault. Angry

FGS woman, why is he still in your home? In your marriage? In your child's life?

I don't care that it is only 3 times in 2 years, or whatever. Once is too many times!

It may happen again? You think? Angry

It WILL happen again - unless your child leaves home first. And then she will be at risk of all the abusers, the violent men out there who she recognises as being 'men', 'father-figures' - because she has never had a stable, loving father, this will be her normal.

PoorYorick · 20/01/2018 14:21

Yeah, to add...when he wasn't smacking and kicking me around, my father used to like stroking my neck while making weird whistling sounds, and trying to blow down my ear. And he threw tantrums when I jumped away and told him to keep his filthy hands and mouth to himself, now and any other time. And my idiot mother wibbled and babbled and asked WHAT SHOULD SHE DO and WASN'T I OVERREACTING. Fuck.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/01/2018 14:25

Let him go OP.
I know this will be hard to read but your DH is abusive. And by not stopping it (by leaving if need be), you are complicit.
Now he is gone, change the locks, do not let him back and IMMEDIATELY get legal advice.

OverTheParapet · 20/01/2018 14:27

What the actual fuck are you doing OP?

He's abusing your daughter and you want to have a nice little chat about it?

When you daughter goes NC with you and him don't be surprised. Him for abusing her and you for facilitating the abuse.

cushioncovers · 20/01/2018 14:28

Your husband is showing your daughter that it's ok for the men in her life to be violent to her. This will be normal for her as she grows up and she will sleep walk into abusive relationships.

And so is her mother

^^ this a hundred times over.

iBiscuit · 20/01/2018 14:30

Children who end up sleeping on the streets, cold, hungry and vulnerable to all manner of predators, not to mention drug use and the rest, tend to come from homes like yours op. Because sometimes it seems preferable to be abused by strangers than by those who are supposed to care for and love them.

You seriously need to contact Women's Aid or similar; it be naive but I find it hard to imagine that a woman would allow her child to be abused this way unless she too was being abused.

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