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Original poster

Dilemma with husband smacking teen

231 replies

DutchSmartie · 20/01/2018 11:32

Hi, i'm new here and don't know who to turn to for advice.

My husband is ordinarily a very lovely man. Our friends think he's fantastic. However when he gets angry (and his moods can be brittle), he often says and does things that are very inappropriate. He has astonishingly poor emotional control at times.

So on the odd occasion when he is angry at our daughter, who is 15 now, he has lashed out at her. She is quite mouthy and doesnt back down easily, but whenever this has happened, I've addressed it - its not okay, he should never lash out at her or anyone etc but he is usually furious back - i never support him in arguments, he barely touched her, she's over-reacting to get attention etc. I've witnessed him slap her, push her hard against the wall, and kick her hard enough off the bed for her to fall heavily on the floor. He never ever apologises to her, or admits his behaviour was inappropriate. I've talked to her about it, and that while he should apologise, he almost certainly is ashamed of his behaviour, and that he is a product of his own upbringing, and the est she can hope for is to learn from it for when she becomes a parent. But it feels woefully inadequate. If i broach it with him, he gets angry, accuses me (an her) of being a liar, and of fabricating these events.

Lately, whenever he taps her or brushes her aside when he's annoyed, she becomes mouthy, shouts to take his hands off her and to stop hitting her. Invariably he becomes furious at her accusations, and punishes her in some way like cutting off her internet, taking her phone, banning her from a party. If i haven't witnessed these events, only the shouty aftermath, I can't really comment on whether his behaviour on those occasions was or was not appropriate.

The problem is that he then turns his anger on me for not backing him up. Apparently i should be equally cross at our daughter for making these 'false accusations'. The fact that i didn't see the event doesn't come into it. If i make the mistake of saying that, hence implying that in fact he could have hit, smacked or otherwise hurt her, or remind him that he has in fact done so in the past, he threatens to leave me for emotional abuse, sleeps elsewhere, sulks etc.

Meanwhile my daughter is furious at being punished for something she hasn't done - ie her dad got mad and lashed out at her and is now punishing her (as well as the silent fury and sulking). She's furious at me for not taking her side, for not making him apologise for lashing out at her, for not undoing the punishment.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't want to undermine him and his relationship with her further. I hate it that he lashes out when cross, verbally and physically. I hate it that he has no respect for her physical boundaries, and even pushing her or her hand away is not okay if she says its not okay. i hate that i'm being made to not support her in feeling that she can set these boundaries, or that if they are crossed she must stay silent and take the punishment so as not to set him off further. I cant talk to him about it without him becoming angry and accusing me of lying, and I have no idea what to say to her about it.

Please help :(

OP posts:
Greatestshowgirl · 20/01/2018 12:00

Why are you saying he is 'tapping' her or 'brushing her aside'? It's much more than that and you know it.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 20/01/2018 12:00

Are you fucking kidding us?

You've watched your husband violently assault and verbally abuse your daughter on multiple occasions. He then turns the verbal abuse, gaslighting and bullying on you if you object. Your response feels "woefully inadequate" because it is. Fuck all this bollocks about how he's "emotionally fragile". It doesn't matter how he got this way or how nice he is the rest of the time. He is violent to his child; he is an abuser.

If I was in your daughter's life, I would be heavily encouraging and if possible personally escorting her to talk to the police and social services. I would offer her the chance to move in with me and get our of her shitty abusive home. It's evident that you have no real intention of protecting her by kicking him out, so I can only hope she has someone else in her life who will act, and soon.

But on the off chance you've had a rude awakening from these posts: go with your daughter to the police. And then ask him to leave, or leave yourself.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 12:00

I know you probably love him so want to minimise this but you really really shouldnt for the sake of your daughter. This is so bad. It will have a really bad and lasting effect on her. This is not just one random instance of someone losing their cool, this is a continuous pattern of behaviour. How must your daughter feel essentially living with the threat of violence at any time. It doesnt matter what shes done she deserves not to live under the threat of violence. Every time he touches her hes making it worse. Its highly likely this will effect her future relationships with me. Get her away from him, keep her safe. No amount of violence is okay and when you add up what you have said in your OP it doesnt actually equate to low level violence because of its consistency alone. This constitutes abuse. If she ever told her teachers or the police it would be taken very seriously. Please please protect her and either get him to leave or leave with her.

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GreatThingsWork · 20/01/2018 12:01

A friend's 'D'M used to assault her like this. The friend left home at 16 and never went back. She never forgave her 'D'M and also never forgave her DF for standing by while it happened. Do something now or risk losing your DD.

Bipbopbee · 20/01/2018 12:01

So you have witnessed him slap her, push her and kick her, yet at other times because you have not seen the behaviour you cannot comment.
Your husband is not a lovely man.
He is a vile aggressive violent man.
Your poor daughter.
Teenagers are mouthy, it’s how they are. She’s 15 FFS. Why are you enabling his abuse?
I feel so sick and angry on your daughter’s behalf. Believe me, as soon as she is old enough she will be out of there, and you will be extremely lucky to have any contact with her afterwards.
This will affect her for the rest of her life, believe me. And her mother did NOTHING.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 20/01/2018 12:01

Your daughter is being assaulted and abused by her other parent and you're showing her that it's acceptable and okay by your actions of not supporting her in being safe. As a person who was abused as a child and teenager let me tell you this - you are acting appallingly as a mother. You need to be getting him away from her and keeping your child safe.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 12:01

*with men sorry not with me!!

finnmcool · 20/01/2018 12:03

If your daughter came home from school and told you she'd been assaulted in the same way your husband assaults her, how would you react?
You say your husband is a product of his upbringing... What do you think is happening to your daughter? A father who assaults her and a mother who isn't protecting her, will have repercussions for her.

Agyne · 20/01/2018 12:03

I hope your DD reports it to an adult at school, they will report it to the police as you obviously aren't going to.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 20/01/2018 12:04

Seems the op has gone away to pack - the only option open to a parent witnessing her dc being abused. ..

shushpenfold · 20/01/2018 12:04

Seriously? Police or SS. Tell him first if you want to but he has his ‘acceptable behaviour’ radar so far out of whack that he’s behaving criminally. He’s assaulting your/his DD and you need to step up and protect her right now.

grasspigeons · 20/01/2018 12:04

I am not sure I believe this is true.

Hwoever, giving you the benefit of the doubt -

can you pack yours and your daughters bags, get as much money together as possible and your ID and go to a woman's refuge ASAP without letting your violent DH know this is happening. I have no idea how you organise this - I presume you go to the police, make a statement and they get you there.

BuzzKillington · 20/01/2018 12:05

I am hoping this is a wind up.

Shame on you if it isn't.

shushpenfold · 20/01/2018 12:06

The OPs terminology shows a sad belief in a lesser ill....smacking.

Er no, assault.

quitealotlost · 20/01/2018 12:07

If your DD went to the police or SS (which she has every right to do) they woukd take a very dim view of you not protecting her.

It is your job to keep her safe from this.

Brokenbiscuit · 20/01/2018 12:09

This is rather shocking, OP. I don't know how you have fallen into this pattern of standing by while your DH abuses your DD, but make no mistake - this is abuse and you owe it to your dd to make it stop.

I think the responses in this thread will be painful for you to read. People will be blunt, and it will hurt. I do not judge you, I think you are in denial about what is going on. The thing is, if you don't make it stop, you are complicit in the abuse.

It will not be easy. It sounds like your only option may be to leave, in order to remove your dd from the danger. But you are her mother, who will protect her if you don't? Be strong, OP, and show your daughter that nobody has the right to treat her badly.

Original poster
DutchSmartie · 20/01/2018 12:10

"It sounds like hes created a situation which will only escalate and he needs to put a stop to it. If he knows that what he is doing is wrong then he needs to walk away as soon as he gets angry. It can be resolved later but not when he is angry. And he needs to start apologising for his actions regardless how hard he finds it. If he knows he is wrong he needs to say sorry. And I bet he knows he does too. If you come into the tail end of something again then I would diffuse it by separating them and calmly reminding him that even if he hasnt (or feels he hasnt) pushed/kicked or whatever her this time he has in the past and that the best way to involve (what he feels is) confusion in the first place is to avoid ever doing it in the first place."

Ive just had this conversation. He got furious, accused me of lying, told me he's leaving me. He's packing his bags now. I have 3 kids. He's never hit or hurt me.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 20/01/2018 12:12

But he HAS hit and hurt your daughter, OP. He is abusive.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 20/01/2018 12:13

'He's never hit or hurt me'

Maybe not. But he has assaulted your daughter. Or does that not matter to you? Is it okay because she's a child and can't defend herself as effectively?

BelleandBeast · 20/01/2018 12:13

I've witnessed him slap her, push her hard against the wall, and kick her hard enough off the bed for her to fall heavily on the floor.

WHY are you still with this foul man. Your poor daughter. Stick up for her. What the hell are you playing at? [anger [anger]

Brokenbiscuit · 20/01/2018 12:13

Let him leave, OP. It's for the best, honestly.

QuietNinjaTardis · 20/01/2018 12:14

Let him go. Tell him not to come back.

stuffstuffeverywhere · 20/01/2018 12:14

Good. Means you don't have to leave.

Do you own or rent?

First thing Monday, get an appointment with a solicitor.

First day of the rest of your lives.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/01/2018 12:16

My DH would be out the door the moment he ever smacked me or our children.

We both agreed from the start that physical abuse is not a discipline method we would ever adopt,

If I hit another adult it would be abuse, it's even worse when it's a child who can't remove themselves from the household.

You are showing your daughter that men hit women, is that how you want her to view the world?

SciFiFan2015 · 20/01/2018 12:16

This is domestic abuse.
If someone else treated your DD like this it would be a police matter.
Best thing you've done is ask here - hopefully all these responses will be a bit of a wake up call. Do something about it.