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MIL fed 12wk old....

226 replies

sleepymama15 · 08/12/2017 18:09

My MIL has watched DC2 overnight a couple of times as he’s a terrible sleeper. She watched him last night and said he’d slept great which is unheard of. She then said she had given him custard before bed. She said she knew we wouldn’t be happy about it but did it anyway. AIBU by being thoroughly pissed off?! Angry

OP posts:
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happy2bhomely · 08/12/2017 22:31

My first was born in 2000. The advice then was 4 to 6 months.

I was born in 1983. I'm pretty sure the advice then was to wean after 3 months.

None of this makes any difference though. Your MIL did something that she knew you did not want her to do with your child. It also goes against current advice.

Lots of people look after children in a way that I would not approve of. I probably (definitely) look after mine in a way lots of people would disapprove of.

The only way to make sure your children are cared for in the way you want at all times is to do it yourself or find people you can trust. You have learned a valuable lesson. You can't trust your MIL.

chocolateisnecessary · 08/12/2017 22:33

It doesn't matter what the advice was/is tho. It was a deliberate breach of trust. That's the point.

ThatEscalatedQuickly · 08/12/2017 22:55

To all those saying the allergy issue is a red herring, it really isn't. Yes the baby could have had the same reaction with the OP there, when ready to wean, but the OP would presumably have fed the child according to guidelines advising to introduce foods one at a time and slowly. I'd presume the OP also wouldn't have given egg or another common allergy triggering food as a first food. If an allergic reaction happened with the OP there it would also be a terrible experience but what has left such an indelible impression on my mother, aside from the horrible sight of my cousin turning blue and struggling to breathe, was the terrible moment she had to call my Aunt to tell her what happened and the thought that what if it had been worse and the guilt she would have carried. Even though she really didn't do anything wrong.

The OP MIL has been so blasé about the whole thing, disrespected the parents right to decide how and when to wean and not to mention that she seems to feel some glee at having 'got one over' on the OP.

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BertieBotts · 08/12/2017 23:08

The baby probably slept because their tummy was full of heavy, difficult to digest food. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Agree this will probably do no lasting harm, but would feel betrayed and really angry and let down if this was me - as others have said, it's the fact she's introduced something new, whatever that might be, without asking you first and in fact in this case when she already knew the answer would be no.

I expect she was thinking you'd turn around and thank her since she'd found the solution to sleeping for you. Like your initial reluctance was just new-parent anxiety. Once she revealed that her solution had worked and didn't have any negative effects, you'd be grateful for it. She misjudged that badly.

I also think that as others have pointed out she's underestimated the seriousness with which modern parents see giving solids early, and overestimated how much the lack of sleep is bothering you. Times change - giving solids early is now a no-no and it's generally accepted that babies sleep poorly until they are bigger and that this is not something which necessarily needs fixing or sorting out. In her generation it was normal to give solids at 3-4 months and sleep was considered something to get sorted ASAP.

Unless you genuinely think it was malicious in some way it might just be worth reiterating with her that she needs to check before she does anything new, especially if she knows you're concerned about the subject. I do think it's probable this came from a place of love/concern and was simply misjudged. I suppose you'll find out by her reaction to your reaction - if she acts all defensive and like the victim then it would be difficult to trust her again. But if she is upset and feels badly that her gesture went the wrong way, then there is probably room for discussion there. (Initial defensiveness followed by later genuine apology is probably the same too.)

LoneParenting101 · 08/12/2017 23:11

Poor little mite! Their system isn't fully formed for food at that age! Certainly not high amounts of sugar like what is in Custard!

That woman needs to realise it is NOT 1950 anymore!!!!!

ThunderboltsLightning · 08/12/2017 23:15

Some people who have babies that sleep through quite early are convinced it is because of something they have done. Therefore if your baby doesn't sleep through it is because you are doing something wrong.

They genuinely don't seem to accept that all babies are different and no matter what you try, some (MOST!) babies need to feed through the night.

Your MIL was out of order and she shouldnt have fed him. My DS is 5mo and i have been under pressure from family members to give him baby rice for ages now. I think it's a generational thing but no excuse for going behind your back. Your baby will sleep through when he is ready.

LoneParenting101 · 08/12/2017 23:16

*Letmepeeinpeace
*
Are you actually joking??? Six weeks?!?!

There is no way in HELL a 6 week Old's insides have formed enough to take solids at that age Shock They can't even sit up at 6 weeks!!! Let me guess, you have older kids! Tried to grown this one up as quick as possible?!

letmepeeinpeace · 09/12/2017 06:24

He is 19 now. Doing very well. Very healthy kid. Eldest of four. My third child was weaned at 3 months and again very healthy. All were also ff but I guess that's a different story! 😂

ProperLavs · 09/12/2017 08:12

no science reports then

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2017 08:19

"It wasn't so long ago that 12 week weaning was absolutely normal"

Really? My eldest is nearly 22 and the advice was not before 17 weeks, and preferably later. She was weaned at 6 months like many others.

CPtart · 09/12/2017 08:39

I was given puréed rusk at three days old apparently so I wouldn't sweat the custard.
What would bother me is your MIL doing something she knew you wouldn't like. But she did it anyway. Clearly this is how she wants to grandparent. Who knows what else she does?
It will be interesting to see whether your need for sleep/childfree time overrides your concerns in leaving either of your DC with her unattended ever again.

anothernetter · 09/12/2017 08:43

At 12 weeks? I would be livid and would tell her she wouldn't be having him overnight again. It's partly to do with the principle of the matter. She said she knew you wouldn't be happy about it - and yet still decided to go ahead and do it anyway...

anothernetter · 09/12/2017 08:43

She clearly has no respect for your wishes

MissBax · 09/12/2017 08:46

To be fair, even if 6 months I would be pissed off - it's for me to wean my child when I (and DC) are ready, and I'd be really annoyed if someone decided to take it upon themselves to do it without checking with me first. Then add in the fact she knew you'd be angry but "did it anyway". That'd be enough for me to stop any alone time with DC

ProperLavs · 09/12/2017 08:49

My eldest three- 19, 18, and 16 were weaned at 12 weeks as per advice of the day.
My youngest three I think the advice started to change- however since they stated grabbing food off my plate way before the 6 month mark I can certainly say they were weaned before then.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2017 08:53

"My eldest three- 19, 18, and 16 were weaned at 12 weeks as per advice of the day."

I have a 21 year old and a 16 year old.

12 weeks was most definitely not the advice of the day.

SilverUnicorn · 09/12/2017 08:53

I would be so angry!! Ignore everyone saying that the baby was obviously hungry, If that was the case MIL should have offered baby a bottle of milk rather than a sugar laden snack. For her to do it when she knew it would upset you is awful. I wouldn’t let her look after the baby again until shes updated her knowledge.

ProperLavs · 09/12/2017 09:07

It was and I was also told by all the health professionals. why would I make something like that up? We were obviously told different things.

dementedpixie · 09/12/2017 09:10

Official guidelines arent always what hv, etc tell you as they might give personal opinion instead. Has it ever really been 12 weeks? Wonder if guidelines have really changed that much over time

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 09/12/2017 09:13

I have s 16 year old and the advice was 4 months (16-18 weeks) If you compare 18 weeks to 12, that's half of the baby's life!

That's not the point though. The grandmother fed the baby despite knowing that the parents wouldn't approve. If she couldn't cope with the baby (non-sleeping babies are hard work) then she should have asked the parents to collect him.

SwearyBerry · 09/12/2017 09:14

In a way she's done you a favour in showing you that she's not able to follow simple requests and instructions for the basic care of your child. She is therefore totally unsuitable to look after your children, so you can discount her from any future childcare arrangements.
Hopefully as it's a one off there will be no harm done to the baby

chicaguapa · 09/12/2017 09:17

What would bother me is your MIL doing something she knew you wouldn't like. But she did it anyway.

Exactly!

OP, don't get bogged down in whether 12 weeks or any other time is appropriate for solids. It just clouds the issue and will always just be a matter of opinion in MIL's eyes.

Focus on this ^^ and that you're lucky to have had the heads up at 12 weeks that MIL is going to undermine you wrt your baby so you know not to trust her.

Booie09 · 09/12/2017 09:20

How much custard was it? Teaspoon,tablespoon, full bowl!! Let mother in law know you aren't happy and move on! Your child will be fine.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2017 09:21

"It was and I was also told by all the health professionals. why would I make something like that up? We were obviously told different things."

What did it say in your red book?

GreenTulips · 09/12/2017 09:25

How much custard was it? That's irrelevant

MIL went against OP knowing she wouldn't like what she was doing, did it anyway, and then told OP she had cured the babies night wakings

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