Ds (3.2) doesn't seem to enjoy family time - time with dh and mummy - what to do ?

[Oblomov]

This is a seriousy enquiry to you all. Hoping that any child pyschologists, or anyone with expreince, can provide with with a step-by-step-guide, or a good book to refer to.

From previous posts that you may have seen, that I am trying to re-create, atleast a lttle bit, the way I was bought up. I do of course realise that things have changed - e.g. my mum spent all her time raising me and my two older brothers. We only played with he girl next door, occassionally. We went to a playgroup once a week for an hour or so. My mum bought us up. That was the norm in those days.
Now, my ds is at nursery 1/2 the time. I have him at home with only me on a wed and fri.

There are lots of bits of his behaviour that we find unacceptable. We are trying to address this and change our parenting techniques.

But regarding this particular issue -
when he is with us, he doesn't seem to enjoy 'family time - i.e. with Me AND Dh. He plays up, more, than when he is with just the one of us. And he has ruined, just about every family outing we have had in the last year and half.
He likes one to one attention.

Mow, maybe nursery is not for him. Maybe he would be better off with a childminder.
But as far as hoome life is concerned, not only does this make me unhappy - because I used to LOVE sepnding time with my mum and dad: but I think it is UNHEALTHY.

I want to change it. How do I do this in a gentle, step-by-step way ?

how has he ruined the outings? tantrums?

Have you ever spent a day with him on his terms?
What i mean by this is ask him what he wants to do and do it with him. Whatever he says (safely). I try and do it every so often. I have spent hours on the swings, making mixtures, staring at the railway track waiting for trains to come by, feeding ducks etc.Really let him be in charge of the day.
It sounds to me that you have very clear expectations of how it should all be for you as a family. Pass the reins to your ds and see what happens. If nothing else you will get a good idea of what his expectations of how things should go!
Best of luck.

From what you say, it sounds to me like you're reading too much into this, and expecting too much from him. He probably plays up on family outings because he can. Kids probably are often a bit more difficult when they're with too parents, as there are more people's attention to get.

He may actually love you all being together as a family, and his playing up is just attention seeking to make sure he has both of you focused on him at all times. If he is used to 1-1 stuff with you maybe he over does it when there is both of you around.

Or possibly there is a lot of expectation around the day which he picks up on and reacts to?

Agree it is a good idea to let him choose an activity as well so you know he is going to enjoy it.

No we do do that spud. e.g. On mothering sunday, dh explained to ds that today mummy does anything she wants, because it is her special day.
Sometimes, I say to ds, he can do anything he wants, tomorrow. would he like swimming, park, soft-play ? He does get this.

Its not just days out - where he wines, plays up , says "no, I won't daddy", very loudly. We went to play centre, thomas the tank day watercress line - plus doing anything that mummy and daddy want to do - going to tescos, B&Q.

But even when we are at home. I am at a gym class, Ds is with dh. Good as gold. I come home and whiney, shouty, .
Mummy and daddy, do gardening, would he like to help me dig ? water plants ?, he loves this. bUt no, whiney, not talking properly.
Just a pain.These are just a few minor examples.
ALL THE TIME.
one-to-one fine. Family = no.

Sorry, sounds very normal to me, is he 3???...the only way to deal with this is for you & your dh to be very consistent about the behaviour you won't accept!

I really appreciate your posts guys, and yes, I do have expectations of what I think is reasonable.
And I think what I think is reasonable, IS NOT UNREASONABLE
It is what I want.
I behaved that way.
I was bought up that way. I wnat to bring my son up , the way I was bought up.

I wonder if you truly remember how you felt when you were 3. I think most 3 year olds will kick off at some point most days. Particularly when there is pressure on to make it 'family time'.

When we go out, and my 3 year old dd throws a wobbly, we just tuck her under an arm and get on with it.

Oblomov - Can you actually remember much about when you were 3? I know I can't. Your memories of happy family times are probably from when you were a bit older.
They will come for yout family I'm sure.

The other thing I'd say is my ds often plays up more when dh and I are both there too and in our case I'm sure it is because he senses that we sometimes disagree on how to treat him. We try not to but sometimes it happens - it is normal. All children will try and get the other parent to agree to something when one has said no etc.

This really is normal three-year-old behaviour. Our own memories of what we were like as children aren't a reliable guide to what expectations we should have of our children.

Three year olds do whine, and moan, and sometimes tantrum. It's what they do.

Also, I'm glad you are so happy with how you were raised, that you want to copy that. But your son will not have the same upbringing you did. He's a different person, with different parents (and no older brothers). He won't be the same as you.

How do you deal with the aforementioned behaviour???

If you still have your parents around...ask them i everything was always as rosey as you remember - as other postsers have said your meories seem a little rose-tinted. I'm sure your parents may remember stressful times too...?

Maybe ask your mum to tell you what you were really like, aged 3, rather than this rose-tinted view you seem to have of the past. Look at some other 3 year olds and see what they are like.

(NineUnlikelyTales - are you an Alasdair Grey fan? or is that another reference?)

I don't have more than a couple of memories from being 3 - maybe 5 and upwards is more vivid.

Your ds sounds like a normal 3 year old pushing the boundaries. THe more exasperated you and your dh get the more he'll push your buttons tbh.

I think you're using very strong and emotive language for a just turned 3 yr old; "ruined", "just a pain", "it is what I want" etc etc. Sounds to me like you're laying an awful lot of blame at his feet.

I'm not saying 3 yo boys can't play up, but if they can find a chick in your armour then they will exploit it. From the little I've read here it sounds like your incredibly high expectations of a wee boy are your achilles heel.

"chink"

"It is what I want.
I behaved that way.
I was bought up that way. I wnat to bring my son up , the way I was bought up. "

I really think you are setting yourself up for a fall here. I'm sorry, but I do.

My mum was, and is, fantastic. Amazing. But I can't be exactly like her. Because I'm not her.

And I bet you had your moments at 3 as well.

I know that my son is not me.
But my mum used the same parenting techniques on three different children, with three different personalities.
I do not think it is impossible to re-create ALOT of the loving but disciplined ways, in which I was bought up.

Yes, a bit of whiney , is the norm. I am not unrealistic, I know that is the norm.

I didn't answer my parents back.
I was well behaved when I went out in public.

I do not want to pander to my sons's every whim.

I know this sounds harsh to some of you, but to me, this is what I think is acceptable , what I want, and what I am trying to achieve.

I have talked about it with dh and my mum at GREAT LENGTH.

We are working on , what to do. I have come here for ideas, form like minded people, with experience of what to do, rather than to query my basic parenting desires.

Normal three year old. Not sure it requires a 'child psychologist' tbh.

Lone children are much more demanding than children with siblings, your child isn't & can't be brought up the same as you were!

I've said this before, and seemed inadvertantly to annoy you, but hey, I will say it again. I think you are too hard on yourself as a parent. Your son sounds lovely. You say he is gentle and loving and great when you are one on one, so you are clearly doing something right.
I bet you don't remember being three. Almost nobody does with any accuracy or clarity.
You remember being about five or six. Children of five and six are a different species to three year olds.
Also, you are not your mother, your son is not you. It's like saying, I want a marriage exactly the same as that of my parents. Yes, take the good stuff and learn from it, but you and your dh are different people so you can't have exactly the same relationship as your parents had.
He probably wants to have your undivided attention and when you are all together he doesn't have it (you were more used to sharing, probably because you had two older siblings when you were born, something you can't just produce for your son - another way his childhood will be different to yours). He will get used to it and as he gets older he will change anyway. In the meantime you can give him more attention or maybe think about bringing along a friend for him, so he has someone to play with, or a doting granny or family friend who will divert him.

I am asking my mum at the moment.

And she like me, agrees that I am NOT looking through rose-tinted spectacles.

Do you think it was all a breeze for her ?
No, of course not.
Even I am not that stupid.
But I want some of the basics to be in place.

Why is this so hard to understand.

OK. If you're after a child psychologist, Tanya Byron had a piece in Times2 yesterday that was linked to on here. Addressed some issues on behaviour - for both child and parent .