Ds (3.2) doesn't seem to enjoy family time - time with dh and mummy - what to do ?

[Oblomov]

This is a seriousy enquiry to you all. Hoping that any child pyschologists, or anyone with expreince, can provide with with a step-by-step-guide, or a good book to refer to.

From previous posts that you may have seen, that I am trying to re-create, atleast a lttle bit, the way I was bought up. I do of course realise that things have changed - e.g. my mum spent all her time raising me and my two older brothers. We only played with he girl next door, occassionally. We went to a playgroup once a week for an hour or so. My mum bought us up. That was the norm in those days.
Now, my ds is at nursery 1/2 the time. I have him at home with only me on a wed and fri.

There are lots of bits of his behaviour that we find unacceptable. We are trying to address this and change our parenting techniques.

But regarding this particular issue -
when he is with us, he doesn't seem to enjoy 'family time - i.e. with Me AND Dh. He plays up, more, than when he is with just the one of us. And he has ruined, just about every family outing we have had in the last year and half.
He likes one to one attention.

Mow, maybe nursery is not for him. Maybe he would be better off with a childminder.
But as far as hoome life is concerned, not only does this make me unhappy - because I used to LOVE sepnding time with my mum and dad: but I think it is UNHEALTHY.

I want to change it. How do I do this in a gentle, step-by-step way ?

What specific bits of his behaviour do you find 'unhealthy'. Where have you been when he has 'ruined family outings' ?

hvae another baby

until then follow Beckybrastraps advice:

"When we go out, and my 3 year old dd throws a wobbly, we just tuck her under an arm and get on with it."

You really seem to want to be A Good Mother

I have a friend who keeps telling me that the best thing to aim for is to be a "good enough" mother

BTW it is the subject that makes me say "Have another baby"

"Ds (3.2) doesn't seem to enjoy family time - time with dh and mummy"

Because if you are 3 the idea of spending a weekend with two 40 year olds is probably fecking boring TBH

siblings are MUCH more fun

Three year olds are IMO utterly utterly maddening and completely bonkers most of the time.

I've got one. She is adorable. Love her to bits. She is not quite as mad as a snake as her sister was at three, but has her own infuriating qualities: she's getting much better now but not long ago had the ability to drive me to shouty screamy tears in public at her

I tend to go with the flow (mainly admittedly because I am a bit hopeless in the parenting department).

Oblomov, don't be disheartened by the responses you've had. The views given are one possible explanation for your difficulty, and if correct, a possible solution in terms of your expectations would be possible. Tabout it, whether there could be anything in this.

But equally, it could genuinely be the case that your sons behaviour deteriorates to an unaccceptable level, when the 3 of you are together. If that is the case (and it's hard for us to judge on here) then the starting point would be to consider why.

Why would that be? What mesage is his behaviour sending? or what reaction/response does he want from it? and why would he want that? What do you think his emotional state is when you are all together? What are his realionships with each of you individually like? What is his temprement generallyt like?

I know these are just lots more questions, but actually only you can anwre them.

I and others onhere will try to help you work through it, but you need to think about the why and then the what to do.

I believe our son is a little sweetie.
I know he is a different person to me.
And I know that life is not always a bed of roses and that every child, AND EVERY PARENT has just... bad days, tired days,etc.

And yes, Pyscho, I wish to take the basics and re-create my mums parenting. I know I am not her. My dh and I have a different marriage to hers and my dads.
I don't want to be like her and my dad.
I am very happy in my marriage to dh.
I know life is different now than what it was 30 years ago.

But I don't feel that naughy steps etc have worked for us. I have given it alot of thought and instead of using the new ideas of pasta jars - in and out, naughty steps etc, I wish to try out some of the more old fashioned ways of parenting.

Ok, Oblomov

What are the basics that you want to recreate and what are the problems?

Old fashioned ways of parenting, surely you mean...

... "I'm your Mother do as your told or I'll shout so loud I terrify you into doing what I want you to do!?!"

My DHs' DD used to do this when her mother picked her up. As soon as DM and DF were together, she would start tantrums, answering back etc... even though she'd been acting normally before her DM walked in the door. I think it is attention seeking.

Perhaps if you are on an outing and your DS plays up, you can tell him to stop the behaviour else you are going home, if he continues then take him home and explain to him that if he doesn't behave in a normal manner, then he misses out on these treats/trips. It is up to him then to get "rewarded" for good behaviour.

Not sure if I make sense, but I know what I mean!

I want to teach him what I find acceptable .
When my mum looked at me, with that look, that many other mums on mumsnet have also claimed that have mastered, I knew that enough wss enough and that I was pushing the boundaries.
I was generally well behaved, yes of course a rascal at times, but generally well behaved at home and particularly in public.

If I did 'play up at all, my mum gave me that look and I knew.

I know three is young, but I think, it is young enough to know what mummy and daddy accept.
When I say my mum was very loving , but disciplined, that is what I mean.
At a very young age, I knew what MY PARENTS found acceptable.

My mum didn't need to shout thistle. Please don't demean my posts by implying that I will shout at him until he does what I want.I don't shout very much, as it is.

But you were OLDER that three at the time!

You asked for a child psychologist and you have one right here. Why not give it go?

Oblomov, as I said before - he will only respond to that look when he is bothered about the fact that you disapprove of his behaviour.

Your withdrawal of attention or whatever the consequence might be, has to matter to him.

He either isn;t mature enough yet to get it - or doesn't need your approval in the same way as you needed your mother's.

You seem to want to find a magic wand solution to all this - but there isn;t one - it is hard work bringing up children.

Oblomov, as I've said before I've brought up many children & they're all different.

Most of the children I've cared for have known what that look means or a slightly raised voice but not all, some children just have a stronger personality & they're more of a challenge especially at 3yrs old!

I think you have to reinforce what 'the look' means. I think the whole 'naughty step' thing and its variations are a way of reinforcing 'the look'. Or does that seem too much like conditioning?

When I asked you what you do when he behaves in said manner you didn't answer?!?

What did the look mean to you as a child. If you had ignored it and continued to annoy your mother - what would then have happened? Or what did you fear would happen?

Sometimes the withdrawl is affective soapbox. He doesn't like it.

But then he does it again and again.
What do I do ?

Children need dto learn consequence of actions, do you threaten your ds with punishments & not follow through???

What do you want him specifically to do?

I didn't ignore her.
I never pushed it. I don't know why. I just knew.

And she only smacked me..... three times, ever, I think. We (mum and I)both agree that it was very few times.