Ds (3.2) doesn't seem to enjoy family time - time with dh and mummy - what to do ?

[Oblomov]

This is a seriousy enquiry to you all. Hoping that any child pyschologists, or anyone with expreince, can provide with with a step-by-step-guide, or a good book to refer to.

From previous posts that you may have seen, that I am trying to re-create, atleast a lttle bit, the way I was bought up. I do of course realise that things have changed - e.g. my mum spent all her time raising me and my two older brothers. We only played with he girl next door, occassionally. We went to a playgroup once a week for an hour or so. My mum bought us up. That was the norm in those days.
Now, my ds is at nursery 1/2 the time. I have him at home with only me on a wed and fri.

There are lots of bits of his behaviour that we find unacceptable. We are trying to address this and change our parenting techniques.

But regarding this particular issue -
when he is with us, he doesn't seem to enjoy 'family time - i.e. with Me AND Dh. He plays up, more, than when he is with just the one of us. And he has ruined, just about every family outing we have had in the last year and half.
He likes one to one attention.

Mow, maybe nursery is not for him. Maybe he would be better off with a childminder.
But as far as hoome life is concerned, not only does this make me unhappy - because I used to LOVE sepnding time with my mum and dad: but I think it is UNHEALTHY.

I want to change it. How do I do this in a gentle, step-by-step way ?

Oh and a glass of wine at bedtime can be very helpful!

Sometimes on a Friday night I'm desperate for a vodka & it has been known also on a Wednesday night too!

Willy Whingebag v. good Aloha.

I often have a tantrum of my own kicking on the kitchen floor, and then crawl around clinging to dd's leg saying "MUMMYYYYY I DON'T WAAAANT TOOOO!"

I don't do this when DH is around though...

Nanny Smith is SO right. She sounds great, aloha.
I think maybe a parenting course would be helpful, oblamov, because you'd meet other people with 3 year olds and find that this is all so normal. And it is sad that you're not enjoying him more. But that's normal too and we all have phases where it's hard to be a parent and we find them hard work.

Nah I think Nanny Smith is a wuss

three year olds are very wearing. I have one. I recently got stuck in the kind of day you describe a few times and we were all miserable.

I decided to choose one thing per week to focus on as not ok in our case it was spitting(lovely ).

Everything else we joked around and made into a game. We are now much happier again. We are continuing on the one thing a week approach and it makes such a difference. it is hard but take a deep breath and think"how can i do this a fun way," or ask them why? It is amzing how often they have rather lovely or perfectly reasonable reasons for not jumping at your request.

I think remembering they are people is v important, you wouldn't expect an adult to jump to it would you?

I think I had got a bit caught up in the whole my child is taking the mick and was forgetting that she is still v v young. Her behaviour is not a reflection on me she is just being a child.

Oh and my mum had the look. It was fear based and I do not want to do that to my child. I can do the look (and the voice)but I want a confident opinionated grown up not a cowed one. Above all I try to remember I am raising an adult and think about how i want her to be and try to avoid stamping on her personality.

DS (just 3) has been very challenging over the last couple of weeks.

I found having Saturday and Sunday mornings to myslef while he went out with Daddy & did some male bonding, has restored a nice equilibrium in our house.

I think it sounds very much as though you need some time out. You said your DS goes to nursery - is this because you are working? I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It's very easy to get into the negative spiral you are describing - it happens to me every so often. Could you take a day off and spend the time doing something alone?

Honestly, it really gives you a new perspective on things if you get a few hours of silence every so often.

MorningPaper, you're not calling me a wuss are you?!?

I really agree with all the advice about time on your own

To be honest I don't really enjoy "Family Time" myself...

wuss

Thank god I'm not a sensitive soul!

Family time fgor us at the moment means DS & DH competing for my attention which while hugely flattering really does my head in sometimes, it gets so noisy!

The thing is, I know once DS is 5-6 he & DH will be thick as thieves and I will be pushed to the sidelines, because I don't take a massive interest in the working sof a diesel engine or somesuch...I have a step-son who is 19 and I can remember how mcuh time he & DH used to spend doing "boys stuff".

oblamov- I don[t think you've made a hash of parenting.

A little example from our life. Our eldest son is severely autistic. Aged 2/3 he appeared pretty "normal"- obvious he had some issues but not clear how utterly major they were. As a 2 year old he was extremely easy (far easier than your ds, and incredibly eaiser than my feisty ds3). We used to be able to take him anywhere. Then the autism got to a stage where it mattered- and we'd go for days out and EVERY single trip home ended with dh staring ahead with a grim look on his face and me sobbing in the front seat of the car. Absolutely sobbing. Anyway then the diagnosis happened and so I realised we needed to alter our expectations. Then life became easier. My parenting of ds1 didn't change that much (immediately- it did gradually), but my expectations did- and life became a lot easier. Today for example my (now almost 8) ds1 caused an absolute scene on the beach- we really did provide people with 5 minutes of jaw dropping entertainment, but because my attitude has changed I was able to shrug it off and drive home without crying all the way.

Your situation is less extreme- but having made that type of leap it really can make a difference-I do think your expectations are out of touch with reality- and that is a painful palce to be. Agree with scummy that parenting courses can help- just because they put you in touch with people in the same situation. I've done (NT) parenting courses and more autism courses than you could believe- and making contact with others really helps.

Oblomov I don't have any practical advice but it's such a shame you feel you are making a mess of parenting - just because your ds plays up and acts like a 3 year old. His behaviour (from what you describe) sounds so normal and to think of it as a failure on your part is just wrong imo.

You are putting so much pressure on yourself and therefore on him. What for? What does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Does your mum agree with you - ie does she think that he is overly naughty? Can I ask if your mum's expectations of typical 3 yo behaviour are realistic? (Can she really remember her own children aged 3?)

Apologies for all the questions. I know what it's like to be hyper-critical of oneself and I am constantly trying not to do it, because I feel I will be a better mum if I actually like myself! IMO you need to trust yourself and cut yourself some slack.

I had this conversation with my mother the other day

MOTHER: My friend Valerie said she is so jealous of our relationship with each other?
ME: Oh really? That's nice.
MOTHER: I said to her, 'I just think of what my mother did and do the opposite!!!!'
ME: OH MY GOD! That's exactly what I do!!!
MOTHER:

I think you are all extremely kind on this thread

Oblomov I feel sad that you are punishing your son for being a 3 year old and then punishing yourself for not being able to stop him from being a 3 year old

I think you should try assuming the best possible motives for everything he does

you all sound miserable as sin, something has to change

Lots of really good advice on here, from lots of very sensible people.

I do find that children mirror our behaviour back to us. If I am whingy and unhappy, my children are whingy and unhappy back. If I am bouncy, random and weird, they are bouncy, random and weird back. I know which way I prefer my family.

Seriously, I get worn down too, everyone does. But being slightly difficult and annoying and truculent is just what kids do. It's our job, as adults, to ignore a good bit of that, and break the cycle.

LOL Morningpaper.

Oblamov, I think discussing different specific techniques will be useful, but also think about some of the comments made here.

Do you think your DS is not living up to the expectations you had of family life? and that these expectations were based on your memories of you being a very amenable little girl (probably aged about 8)?
Did you imagine having a well behaved little girl yourself, who would relect well on you and your parenting techniques?

Please don't feel these are criticisms, and if you feel they're not applicable at all to you, say so.

But if they are true in anyway, that does not make you a monster or bad parent, it makes you human. We all have expectations of our children in some way, and are usually disappointed in some way, as when they arrive they are their own imperfect little poeple, who have to relate to their own imperfect parents.

And if some of these things are true, it may be a relief to acknowldge them because then you can start to let them go and address them.

At the start of the thread I asked you what your mother said about this. I'm still interested in that. Do you feel she is critical of your DS and you? Are you trying to prove something to her?

I really hope no one does pull you apart on this thread, as you seem so unhappy, you've asked for help and fundamentally your a mother who wants to do the right thing by her little boy. In that he is very lucky, and I'm sure all will be OK.

My ds has Aspergers syndrome, plus dyspraxia and low muscle tone. It has been really tricky sometimes. He has taken a long time (he is five) for a lot of things to click with him. He is such a lovely, lovely boy, but a bit odd sometimes tbh. He needs me more than other boys his age. He can't do things other children his age can. At two and three he was really much more dependant than other children re feeding, dressing, walking etc. I got very, very upset about his inability to toilet train when he was three. Walked home from a potential pre-school in tears because they said they wouldn't change nappies or help him with his coat (since found out that is illegal actually). But they were wrong and I should have been 100% on his side and not been embarrassed or disappointed. He is who he is. Not me at three, not anyone else at three or four or five or at any point in his life.

Exactly Aloha. It is so important to be accepted for who you are, and to be trusted. It's so worthwhile simply trusting that your ds is a nice human being, oblomov, doing his very best in every situation.

I so want you all to enjoy each other more.

i think it must be deeply unhelpful to compare or model your ds' behaviour on yours (or your memory of what yours was). it's just making difficulties for you that don't need to be there.

I also think what someone said about your memories being specific to an older child, and a girl, is absolutely key. Your ds is a boy and his behaviour will be very different to what you remember yours being.

Are you still about? what do you think having read more posts?

Are you Ok Oblamov?

If you're feeling that this all feels too much like criticism and you feel too fragile to engage in it. Feel free to CAT me I'll happily chat with you one to one about it

You can sort this out you know. In 6months, he will be at a differnt stage, you may be dealing with him differntly and everything will feel so different from now and so much happier.

I've been through neagtive phases with my own boys where I've felt like I'm failing and not the mother I wanted to be. We've always come through it though, but I know there'll be difficult times again.

I'm sure things are not as bad as they feel right now.

How many bad mothers actively strive for a happy family, analyse their own behaviour, ask for help and are prepared to endure criticism from strangers to try to work things out?

None. You are a good mother, things will be better.

aloha
what a lovely lovely quote

it makes me thing of my little 3.5yr old and the last few days whenre he has done some pretty fantastic things and i ma so proud of him
he has also whined and thrown things at his brother and got stroppy when he couldn't have something he wanted, but he is pretty amazing and you've just helped me remember
{wine talking too )
And Oblomov, i have read some of the thread and just think that you should cherish him as much as poss and play as much as you can with him.
I am sorry life is not as you'd hoped it to be....but my advice to the world in general- if you can't change reality then you need to change yourself... i really don't mena to sound harsh, but you seem to be in sucha negative spiral- i've been there bleieve me.
you just need to take a step away and try to get into a happy place with it all.

Pyscho I have CAT'd you.
Thanks everyone.

just have to say I'm SO pleased you've CATd Psycho, she seems to have so much good sense to bring to bear with your issues oblomov, I really hope you are able to come to a happier place with it all.