Ds (3.2) doesn't seem to enjoy family time - time with dh and mummy - what to do ?

[Oblomov]

This is a seriousy enquiry to you all. Hoping that any child pyschologists, or anyone with expreince, can provide with with a step-by-step-guide, or a good book to refer to.

From previous posts that you may have seen, that I am trying to re-create, atleast a lttle bit, the way I was bought up. I do of course realise that things have changed - e.g. my mum spent all her time raising me and my two older brothers. We only played with he girl next door, occassionally. We went to a playgroup once a week for an hour or so. My mum bought us up. That was the norm in those days.
Now, my ds is at nursery 1/2 the time. I have him at home with only me on a wed and fri.

There are lots of bits of his behaviour that we find unacceptable. We are trying to address this and change our parenting techniques.

But regarding this particular issue -
when he is with us, he doesn't seem to enjoy 'family time - i.e. with Me AND Dh. He plays up, more, than when he is with just the one of us. And he has ruined, just about every family outing we have had in the last year and half.
He likes one to one attention.

Mow, maybe nursery is not for him. Maybe he would be better off with a childminder.
But as far as hoome life is concerned, not only does this make me unhappy - because I used to LOVE sepnding time with my mum and dad: but I think it is UNHEALTHY.

I want to change it. How do I do this in a gentle, step-by-step way ?

YOu are getting advice. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't honest, well-meant advice.

I don't rememebr being 3.
At all.

And yes, if he gets your attention - even negative attention - by doing the things that make you so stressed, he will do it more.
Your mum's memories may also not be entirely accurate. That's possible. Also you were one of three. A totally different set up to that of a family with one child.

Oblomov, what does your Mum say?

I think you may be working from the wrong way round.

You assume that by being firm with him and not pandering to him then you will effectively discipline him into pleasing you.

The truth is that children only please their parents if they want to. This requires a whole different approach in my book. It requires you to respect teh child's needs, respond to them, to 'behaviour manage' rather than 'discipline'.

You have to get the child to adore you to such an extent that losing your adoration for even a second is punishment enough for not pleasing you.

Did you read the Dr Tanya Byron article yesterday. If you haven't I think you should.

You sound like you want one of those 'perfect' children that she found so uninteresting

Maybe theres not many Like minded people on here at the moment you may have to wait. Just a question though can your mum not help with the 'basics' then ?

I think like minded poeple are giving you advice. We all would like our children to behave well and never answer back, but it seems the consensus here is that it is not a reasonable expectation of a 3 yo. Can you not just enjoy the good times and accept that the tougher times will pass and he gets older?

It's difficult to understand because it's not...

...REALISTIC!

Ive brought up many children in the same way & They've ALL been different!

Do you get very angry & stressed with your child when things don't go the way you want them to?

Why won't you accept though what the majority on here are telling you - that at your son's age your expectations are too high.

My dd1 is the loveliest, most obedient girl on the planet, but even she was hard work at 2 and 3 years of age.

Give it time, do what you're doing, he will mature and change.

And your son is not you so to expect him to be as you believe you were may be unrealistic.
According to all around I was a wonderful 3 year old. Very easy going and amenable and affectionate. As a contrast to my older brother who was more contrary at times, and different again to my eldest brother. What I am trying to say is that all of us are different and no matter how much you try and reconstruct your own childhood for your ds, his own unique character may yearn for a different ideal childhood IYSWIM.

I bet your mum doesn't really remember what you were like at three.

Aloha, I know that we have spoken on another thread.
And please undersyand that I have the greatest repect for you and many, many of your comments.
And I appreciate that lots of people do not feel the way I do.
But I like the way I feel. And I think it is right. And I think that some of the basics of what I want can be achieved.
I know that many people disgree. But I have given it a lot of thougth and I just want people to offer advice on how I feel about it.
If they do not agree, then I totally accept that. But they must accept that I can not change how I feel about this very deep personal issue.
Surely it can be discussed ?

But what advice can we give you?
You won't accept the advice to change your views/expectations.

I feel that I personally have no other advice to give you, so how can I help you???

NotQuiteCockney It is the title of a book by E Nesbit that just happens to be the first book I laid eyes on from my pc

Three year olds whinge and whine because
*they are three
*they are hungry/thirsty/tired (very common)
*they are bored
*they want your attention

Possible solutions

• interact with them more - games, conversations, playing
• Don't let them get too tired, offer them a snack or drink *reduce your expectations so you don't get so stressed
• ignore irritating behaviour and praise the kind of behaviour you like *Buy a copy of The Social Toddler, a really great book.

Sometimes you may shriek like a banshee 'Be more GRATEFUL! I'm SICK of this! I can't STAND hearing it another MOMENT!" like most people have done at some point as the parents of toddlers.

Your child won't always be three. A five or six year old is totally different. Much more reasonable and housetrained.

And I'm not blaming him bobsmum, I blame myself, for not parenting better.

And blimey it goes quickly. My lovely stepdaughter was six when I first met her. She'll be 16 this year. It seems hardly possible.

Well I think it isn;t so much that your son is not you - I think it is more to do with you not being your mum.

Your approach here comes over as rather beligerant and unyielding, not willing to flex enough to take account of other people's views and opinions. Not even to consider them.

If this is the product of your mother's wonderful parenting then frankly, it isn;t one I would seek to replicate in my child if I were you!

You are setting yourself up to be in constant conflict with your child. That cannot be the route to a happy childhood or to a happy mother either. You need to take advice not just ask for it!

Since you have asked I'm not sure which type of parenting book you are interested in but this is a good one with some very specific advice about how to elicit co-operation etc though I think it might work better with slightly older children.

how to talk so kids will listen

If you think that is a bit too hippy/liberal - how about positive discipline for preschoolers I haven't read this but have had it recommended by a friend.

Oh sorry cross posts.

I am a child psychologist.

You do seem too be very focused on this 'recreating' your own experience.

Your own experience was very positive and you seem to therefore focus on the negative behaviour of your son as a failure on your/his part.

It may be the case that in fcat your overall childhood was positive but also with lots of exapmles of naughty/pain in the neck/whinging/irratbale parents and kids also occuring.

What do you feel is the overall experience/relationship with your son? More positive or negative?

All the situations you describe are quite normal which is why I think you get the reaction you have from other mothers, but it is hard for us to judge whether this is a real concern in terms of his behaviour, or more just failing to live up to your very high expectations.

What do you think?
Why do you think he acts like this when you're all together?

Oblomov - I'm afraid that as you specifically mentioned child psychology as a possible help for you then you must realise that child psychology usually recquires the parent to change the way they think towards their children and their own parenting methods.

My ds is 4.5 and currently being seen by an Ed Psych and the emphasis is very much on behaviour management.

No magic formula or fairy wand will change my ds - he's just growing up and many of the issues we're facing are maturity related so he will grow out of them.

Children do tend to change as they grow up.

They are not born aged 42 thank God.

A child isn't a machine or a project though. You don't make him out of nothing and mould him into something. He is his own person, right from the start. He will behave 'badly' sometimes because he is a small human being with his own needs and feelings and desires, that will naturally sometimes conflict with yours. Yes, it would be lovely in some ways to have a child who always wanted to do what you wanted, who never said 'no', who was perpetually sunny and cheerful, who slept all night and played contentedly by himself etc etc, but it would also be really, really unnatural!

I have no advice if you're not willing to accept your expectations are too high!

You're clearly set on having the perfect child!

I've brought up many children through the age of 3 & believe me it's the most challenging year!

I would also second the 'Social Toddler' recommendation