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Original poster

DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

137 replies

user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 20:52

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

OP posts:
AppleOfMyEye10 · 11/04/2017 21:24

Op what are you doing encouraging this nonsense among children. Your DS is a child fgs not an adult. Ridiculous that you are allowing this to happen .

kingscrossnoodle · 11/04/2017 21:24

i think know other posters should bare in mind the age gap has been discussed on previous threads so maybe this one could offer support to op and practical ways to help her son. well a practical way would be to intervene and stop allowing her child to have a relationship with an adult. It's not something that can be ignored in the situation, it's hugely relevant

SoupDragon · 11/04/2017 21:26

I wouldn't allow a child of 14 to be dating an adult

This.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems
Finola1step · 11/04/2017 21:27

I find it perfectly reasonable that two 17/18 year olds would be having a sexual relationship. What I find odd is this lad still wanting to be with your ds.

I would be tempted to sit the bf down and simply tell him that you think it is perfectly natural that he wants a sexual relationship. But under no circumstances with your 14 year old son. That if they did have sex, he may well up on the sex offenders register.

I saw your previous thread and felt v uneasy about this lad. Even more so now. I suspect he's doing the "I slept with someone else so if you don't sleep with me, I'll get it elsewhere". A routine that will be familiar to many a woman but is by no means exclusively used on young women and girls.

CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 21:27

What can i do

Intervene
Get your son professional relationship counselling and guidance from a gay charity
Tell the school a sixth former is in a relationship with a year 10 pupil (most schools would not like this)
Tell the 18 year old to leave your kid alone.
Get your son booked into STI testing, it's unlikely this 18 year old has only cheated once.

portico · 11/04/2017 21:28

Did you not post in the following thread about your 17 year old daughter dating a 25 year old man yesterday, as per the link below. I genuinely hope you are not making these cases up.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2899369-17-year-old-daughter-with-25-man?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/04/2017 21:28

Poor DS 😢
It's bad enough he's 'dating' your very young son, but to disrespect his and your trust by having sex with someone else is unforgivable. The pressure your DS must feel to have sex with him now, in the hope this means he doesn't have sex with someone else, must be overwhelming for DS.

I'd have had a very strong word with him about breaking up with DS & staying the fuck away before I did him some real damage.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/04/2017 21:30

Woah, why are you allowing this? Adult and child!!!!

In addition to that, you don't know your son isn't sexually active. Infact, I would be concerned, given his upset, that he may well intend to become active to try and 'prevent' his boyfriend from cheating. Great way to put the pressure on. I sure as hell wouldn't be wanting someone who cheats because they aren't getting any with a child near my son either.

The whole situation is seriously wrong and dangerous.

BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 11/04/2017 21:31

Ok your ds really need yountonhave a chat about what to do when someone is cheating on you.
I'm sure this has shattered his self esteem and he needs support rebuilding that. Just as anyone who has been cheated on will.
Your ds NEEDS to get angry but I suspect he will go through the pick me up dance instead.
Please be there for him. Make it as hard as you can for them to have any relationhisp.
Talk about what a good relationship looks like. Involve your dd (I assume she is a teenager too?) as in talk to them both rather than just him iyswim.
Remind him that his bf having sex with him will be considered as rape. And why this is so too.

PollytheDolly · 11/04/2017 21:33

*This relationship is wrong. The ages, and the cheating.

Please parent your son. He's a child and he needs you to intervene.*

This.

jay55 · 11/04/2017 21:33

It is always going to be hard for your son, the gay dating pool is very small and so I can see why he is clinging to this relationship.
But you really have to work on his self esteem, no relationship is better than one where you're being cheated on. He needs to know the world doesn't end when you're single and he is just as important, loved and valued as when he is dating.

ThePigletatwork · 11/04/2017 21:36

I sincerely hope that this isn't a situation where the parent is so determined to be seen as 'right-on' and not intolerant that they are willing to turn a blind eye to a man grooming and sexually abusing their child.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 11/04/2017 21:37

Not read the previous threads.

Not convinced 14 year olds are actually within the control of their parents as many posters suggest. Obviously no child of that age should be "in a relationship" with an adult of 18 but I genuinely don't get how you stop them, if they kick their heels in; or whether you can both forcibly stop them and retain their trust in you.

Yes get your son some counselling through a gay men's organisation if you can. Hopefully this will be the beginning of the end - and a swift end at that.

seriouslyenoughalready · 11/04/2017 21:38

I would be very worried that, if your son was not having sex with him, he will now feel pressured into having sex with him for fear that his boyfriend will seek it elsewhere /leave him.
Your son is a child.
You need to intervene

Penfold007 · 11/04/2017 21:46

Why is your 14 year old in a relationship with an 18 year old? Don't kid yourself that they aren't sexually active

Original poster
user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 21:52

For those saying I'm kidding myself that they're not sexual active, I'm not. DS and I have always been open and truthful with eachother and I'm fairly sure I know my own son better than you ladies do. I do trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 21:54

And I get the whole age gap concern. I really do, I was with the against group in the beggining but that's not what this thread is asking about...

OP posts:
CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 21:54

User You do realise a partner like this could pressure your child and actually turn him into being dishonest with you, right?

Regardless, there's more issues than that - you need to intervene for multiple reasons not just on the off chance they are having sex.

tinydancer88 · 11/04/2017 21:54

If your son has not had any sexual contact with this older boy, he's now probably feeling under tremendous pressure to do so if he wants to continue the relationship. There are laws in place to protect your son.

StarryIllusion · 11/04/2017 21:55

I would not be allowing this relationship, full stop. What 18 year old genuinely wants a romantic relationship with a 14 year old child? This is bordering on paedophile territory for me tbh. One is still very much a child and the other an adult, it isn't just their ages as a number but their mental maturity. When I think of what I was like as a 14 year old and then as an 18 year old those stages in my life were worlds apart. I would be very very uncomfortable with this.

Pollyanna9 · 11/04/2017 21:57

You trust him and know what he is/isn't doing and yet you say:

He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter - so you possibly don't actually know.

This is not your first post with concerns and I think you're right to be concerned. The other boy being older has the ability to exert hold over your DS and is clearly making him miserable. He needs to see it's not ok to be treated like that, and that the best thing is to tell him to bugger off. And he would definitely benefit from talking to someone from a LGBT charity or counselling service.

CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 22:00

Also, you keep going back to the age gap, but not responding to any other suggestions.

The age gap is an issue, yet you say you know that and chose to ignore it, yet you also ignore other responses with advice on...

I have a horrible feeling in a few weeks you will be writing to say "Help my son has an STI" or worse.

If you intervened now you could set your son up for a lifetime of healthy relationships - we often mimic our early relationships in our later relationships - is this the kind of set up you want him to have for the rest of his life?

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2017 22:01

This thread may not be asking about the age gap but it's crucial to the whole situation.

Why aren't you addressing it?

Fairylea · 11/04/2017 22:06

Just posting to agree with others that the age gap is completely and utterly inappropriate. My dd is 14 and there is no way on earth I would be happy with her dating an 18 year old. Shock

PetyrBaelish · 11/04/2017 22:08

Can I just echo the PP who recommended seeing if there is a service or charity providing counselling or advice to young gay men/boys in your area. I remember my friend having this when we were teenagers, it was great for his confidence, and he got a lot out of it because he was speaking to someone who knew what it was like to be a gay teenage boy.
I think it's good that you're prioritising keeping your son communicating with you. I actually think losing your shit and banning them from seeing each other would be very damaging for your relationship long term.