DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

[user1487546656]

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

How exactly would you all stop the relationship?

This op is fucking delusional!

Itaintme

The same ways you'd stop any unwanted adult contact with your child.

Some starter suggestions:
"A relationship like this you can stop by choosing to set boundaries, parent your child, reduce contact, redirect, contact the NSPCC, the police, the school, the safeguarding team with concerns, get your kid into counselling with an LGBT organisation for relationship guidance and conversations on healthy relationships."

How exactly would you all stop the relationship? there are many things that can be done and agencies to help. What I certainly wouldn't be doing would be facilitating the situation itsnotafuckingrelationship by having this person over to my house.

I was amazed the last time but this thread has me almost literally banging my head against the proverbial wall.

Fucking hell. It's a fundamental WRONG

In the last few days I have been at OPs on mumsnet not wanting to interfere in their under age kids love lives even though their DC was visibly unhappy. I just do not get this. They are still children emotionally and in the eyes of the law and need your protection.

So the relationship becomes secret? Yes that will help .Then you will no control at all over the situation.

She has no control over the situation already, and doesn't appear to want any.

An adult is manipulating a 14 year old child.

I have an18 year old son and the thought of him dating a 14 year old is repellent.

So the relationship becomes secret? Yes that will help .Then you will no control at all over the situation. you seem to be under the impression that if the OP doesn't accept this situation then that's is the only alternative. It isn't. It is possible to be a parent you know, like actually protecting your child, and prevent a secret relationship

Ugh. This thread is making me feel ill. OP, you have a 14 year old son. There is no way on this earth that my son would be with an 18 year old and I don't buy all the condoning off this completely fucked up relationship

Do some active parenting and stop condoning this utter madness

I remember ops first thread about this and she was majorly concerned about the relationship. People on here largely said it's not that bigger deal as the bf came round and they talked about the relationship not being sexual and there being no pressure etc....

IMHO this new fact changes the situation a LOT. It would appear to me that the older boy could well be manipulating the situation by saying "well I can't get sex from you so you can't blame me for getting it elsewhere" this would put an inordinate amount of pressure on the 14 year old.

How can you prevent a secret relationship though? Never let them out of your sight?

Not a chance you can stop them seeing each other if they want to.

Itaintme - parent right from the off? Put your foot down? Assert yourself as credible parent? Involve outside help? Do everything in your power to prevent it? Exhaust all avenues? Take parenting classes? Actually TRY and do something?

There's a few suggestions for you. I can't stand ineffectual parenting when it's something as huge as this.

And you think doing all that will stop them sneaking around to see each other?

Because i speak from experience and it won't.

Itaintme so, what do you suggest to prevent the high probability of an adult pressurising a child into a sexual relationship?

How can you prevent a secret relationship though? Never let them out of your sight Not a chance you can stop them seeing each other if they want to. you are missing the point. OP has done NOTHING other than invite this man round to her house and accept the situation. It's all very well saying you can't stop them, but ffs would you seriously be so defeatist as to sit back and accept it

You know her child might be telling her what's going on in the hope she might step in, I understand that some might say it will go underground.

But I'de chance that, rather than him ending up suicidal or worse over this older lad.

But the relationship is very unlikely to go underground if the police and NSPCC are involved (or CEOP) - the man could end up in prison.

It worries me how many parents think they cannot stop an adult contacting and their child.

Itaintme

I am speaking from experience too - professional and personal. Parenting is actually a really fucking good idea in situations like this.

It's not a optional hobby you pick up during the enjoyable moments.

Yes she can stop the bf coming round but my point is there is not much she can do ,short of never letting her DS out that will stop them seeing each .

She can keep the communication open between herself and her DS or she can think ithe relationship is over
and have no clue about the situation

Tell your son he deserves more than someone who cheats on him. Cheats don't love you, they're egocentric. Tell him about the wonderful man he'll meet in the future, when he's forgotten all about this grubby 18 yr old. Show him a way forward.

I wouldn't be allowing this relationship wether it was two males, two females or a boy and girl. Your DS is 14 he is extremely vulnerable the fact his BF has cheated had resulting in him having sex with someone demonstrated this of is wanting an adult relationship. You say they aren't have sex but how do you know and how do you know if your DS feels obliged to have a sexual relationship with him now because of this.

Yes she can stop the bf coming round but my point is there is not much she can do. There is fucking loads she could do.

Parenting is actually a really fucking good idea in situations like this

^ 100% this. It's not exactly rocket science

Kings like what? Lock him in the highest room of the tallest tower till he's 18?