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Original poster

DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

137 replies

user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 20:52

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

OP posts:
steff13 · 11/04/2017 22:12

If your son has not had any sexual contact with this older boy, he's now probably feeling under tremendous pressure to do so if he wants to continue the relationship.

This. You can almost guarantee the BF is telling your son that he had to cheat because your son wouldn't have sex with him. What do you think your son's response to that will be? This relationship isn't appropriate.

KickAssAngel · 11/04/2017 22:13

Quite frankly this sounds like a potentially abusive relationship. Your son is miserable and shutting you out. How can you help him? When does your son meet up with this man, and how does he get there? Can you insist that they only meet at your house and stay where you can hear them? Tell the school. Tell the man that you will prosecute if you suspect even the slightest sexual contact. Arrange fun things for your DS to do with family and friends his own age.
Does your DS get on with his sister? Take them out, encourage her to be his friend.

There's loads you can do to minimize this relationship so that one or other of them just gets bored.

ProseccoBitch · 11/04/2017 22:14

Aside from everything else mentioned, I think your DS needs to learn that staying with a cheater isn't OK, this is not going to do his self respect any good.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems
Original poster
user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 22:18

KickAssAngel For the most part they meet at my house and mainly when I or one of my older DDs are home.
And for my daughter being friends with Boyfriend, my 17 year old is kind of friends with him as they're both in the year 13.

OP posts:
Pollyanna9 · 11/04/2017 22:28

I don't want to be rude user 1487546656, but you sound like you just cannot accept the risks, the inappropriateness, the situation. The cheating is neither here nor there - the age gap (ie the paedophilia), the cheating, the fact he's made your DS miserable (and yet your DS doesn't feel able to break away) are the key issues.

You need to face up to how utterly wrong this relationship is because with that extra age comes power over the younger person.

Who is friends with who I cannot see what relevance that is.

Ohyesiam · 11/04/2017 22:29

How does anyone stop a 14 year old having a relationship? No east could my mum or anyone else have stopped me being with someone I was besotted with at that age, and this boy is besotted, or he would have dumped his cheating boyfriend.
Not that I'm not appalled by the age gap, but am doubting her ability I stop it.

CreatingADream · 11/04/2017 22:34

How does anyone stop a 14 year old having a relationship?

A relationship like this you can stop by choosing to set boundaries, parent your child, reduce contact, redirect, contact the NSPCC, the police, the school, the safeguarding team with concerns, get your kid into counselling with an LGBT organisation for relationship guidance and conversations on healthy relationships.

CoolCarrie · 11/04/2017 22:45

Please keep talking to him, don't ban them from seeing each as it will push them closer.
Take onboard what posters have said here regarding your son speaking to someone for counselling
You know, in your heart of hearts, that this situation is inappropriate to say the least, so perhaps you should have some guidance from an appropriate source yourself to give you the tools to deal with it.
Keep talking to him

SoupDragon · 11/04/2017 22:51

DS and I have always been open and truthful with eachother

And yet He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.

I would be very surprised if he isn't being pressurised into a sexual relationship.

kingscrossnoodle · 11/04/2017 22:55

Why did you post? Because despite have the same repeated advice you just keeping coming back and defending things.

The truth is the 18yo is an ADULT. Your 14yo is a CHILD. You are his parent and he needs you to step in here and end this ridiculous situation before he gets further hurt. The 18yo is almost certainly putting pressure on your child to have sex, it's called ABUSE yet you allow him into your home as if it's normal. Stop fannying about OP and do right by your child.

As for everyone that says you can't stop a 14yo, well it can be tricky, but we don't have to condone such a situation either. The OP has handed this man a green light.

Patchouli666 · 11/04/2017 23:08

I replied to your original post. My daughter at 14 had a holiday thing with an 18 year old and turns out despite him saying he was lovely and his family were lovely and we all met up etc, he basically went down on her in the woods in the campsite and she was t of her depth. She told me about it last year. Kept up the pretence in holiday etc.
It's such a hard position to be in. You are dealing without it amazingly well. He is talking to you. Keep up with that and be as you are. You are doing a better job than you could ever imagine.

Patchouli666 · 11/04/2017 23:11

Kingscrossnoodle, hope you don't have kids!

Vaus · 11/04/2017 23:15

...are you actually serious? This is called peodophillia. Don't be afraid to be concerned here just because your son is gay, stopping this relationship isn't homophobia, it's protecting your son from a predator.

Sorry but there is no way they aren't engaging in sexual activity, which I think you know is against the law. If I knew you in person I wouldn't hesitate to report this to police.

kingscrossnoodle · 11/04/2017 23:15

kingscrossnoodle, hope you don't have kids! why? Because I have never allowed them to be in 'relationships' with adults at 14 Hmm

SoupDragon · 11/04/2017 23:16

He is talking to you.

No he isn't.

SoupDragon · 11/04/2017 23:17

Patchouli666 I'm really not sure you are in a position to make that kind of comment to Kingscross.

kingscrossnoodle · 11/04/2017 23:20

Bizarre isn't it soup

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/04/2017 23:23

My worry is, if your son has not already had sex with this this older lad, than maybe he might start thinking that he needs to, to be able to keep him.

I would love to know if the lad is seeing others of his own age, what the attraction is to your son, forgive me for saying I hope it's not because he is a virgin. I would be having strong words with this older boy, I'de threaten him with school and police involvement.

I think you need to stage an intervention, your not his mate your his mum, and that's hard I know op

Original poster
user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 23:34

Patchouli666 Thank you

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 11/04/2017 23:50

Pointless thread as the OP only really wants to interact and respond to people who agree with her position which is to keep allowing this ridiculous 'relationship' to continue and enabling it by having this man in the house . This has nothing to do with being gay or straight an unsuitable relationship is an unsuitable relationship .

Vaus · 12/04/2017 00:02

Perhaps the OP might like to research the law on facilitating under age sex and a lifetime on the sex offenders register.

kingscrossnoodle · 12/04/2017 05:54

Patchouli666 Thank you. OP have you seriously just come along and thanked the one person who allowed her 14yo DD to have a relationship with an 18yo even though that poster also admits her DD later told her it became sexual before she was ready for it??!!?

Ok then. floral is right, this IS a pointless thread.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2017 06:43

Contact CEOPS

What the hell are you thinking ?

CreatingADream · 12/04/2017 07:45

Actually the fact that this is a gay male relationship is singificant as research has shown that

  1. Greater risk of STI.
  2. Greater risk of IPV.
  3. Greater risk of emotional abuse.

Young males are far more likely to engage in risky and dangerous sexual behaviour than there hetero counterparts. Sexual behaviour does not just equate to sex - mastrabuation of webcams, being taken to cruising spots, chemsex experiences.

I wouldn't like it if it was a hetero or lesbian relationship with that age gap, but I think it's very fucking significant that it is between two males.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 12/04/2017 08:00

There's alarm bells all over this OP.

I think you need to give NSPCC a ring or look for details for the local gay male health charity/centre.

Your DS may not be sexually active yet, but he is vulnerable in this relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if you came back in a couple of weeks saying "BF pressured DS into sex telling him that it's DS fault BF cheated because DS won't put out"

You really need to stick yourself in the middle and protect your DS. It won't make you popular, but it might stop your child coming to physical or (more) emotional harm.