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Original poster

DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

137 replies

user1487546656 · 11/04/2017 20:52

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

OP posts:
tinydancer88 · 12/04/2017 09:15

There is a whole wide world of things the OP could do between 1) openly welcoming an 18 year old into her home to facilitate an inappropriate and illegal relationship with her son and 2) confining her son to his bedroom for the next 4 years just in case he's trying to meet up with someone.

Itaintme · 12/04/2017 09:16

Parenting is not all about not allowing.Parenting is about knowing what your kids are actually doing even if you don't like it. If they stop telling you,you can do fuck all to help them.

kingscrossnoodle · 12/04/2017 09:18

Parenting is not all about not allowing actually when it is a 14yo child involved with an 18yo man that is EXACTLY what it is all about

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems
tinydancer88 · 12/04/2017 09:20

OP seems to have done very little to help her son despite apparently knowing all about this relationship. At what point is she actually going to intervene in any way?

Fauchelevent · 12/04/2017 09:21

I agree with Itaintme that saying "be a parent and stop this relationship" isn't the most helpful advice because how the fuck does any parent stop any relationship - especially when the 18 yo sounds like the kind of piece of work he is. OP needs to intervene but she is way out of her depth i think.

But OP I agree you need to intervene now more than ever. you need to speak to a charity, or a school. Perhaps there's an older gay guy in sixth form or gay teacher who can help DS end this relationship. Your DS basically needs some healthy sex and relationship ed for gay boys and men. Maybe have a look whats online?

The thing is that the relationship with a power imbalance like this means that it cannot be healthy. It's not possible. At 19 i had a friend who was 15 and trust me the age difference was very noticeable in terms of life difference and general understanding of how the world works. Additionally, at 13 i was encouraged by an older girl to get into a sexual relationship. I had never had sex before or done anything more than kiss, and the power dynamic in that relationship was very difficult. She very much led everything that happened, because i didn't know what was happening and now i am very uncomfortable being touched - even if the relationship itself "felt" consensual, and had you asked me at the time i would have said absolutely it was.
The kind of relationship your son is in is very toxic especially now because of the cheating. He's fourteen and cannot see that. You're an adult and have to be able to see that for his sake, so he can understand what a healthy relationship is and not use this as a model for future relationships. He will end up in a cycle of bad relationships. It's tough because you can't physically stop this without locking him up, and maybe you're worried he will feel conscious that you are against his relationship because it's same sex, but you can do your best, help him come to see that this is not a good relationship to be in, the power imbalance is all wrong and that he will find happy love soon enough.

Itaintme · 12/04/2017 09:24

I do think the OP needs some advice from people who know what they are talking about.

Saying I wouldn't allow it and be a parent is not the advice she needs.

kingscrossnoodle · 12/04/2017 09:24

Kings like what? Lock him in the highest room of the tallest tower till he's 18?

Hmm right back at you

kingscrossnoodle · 12/04/2017 09:25

I do think the OP needs some advice from people who know what they are talking about. Saying I wouldn't allow it and be a parent is not the advice she needs.

It is EXACTLY what she needs. Plenty of advice re intervention has been given, alongside suggestions of various agencies who can help.

CreatingADream · 12/04/2017 09:30

It

I've given that advice in this thread - the OP is not interested (judging by a lack of response) as she's playing the "Oh its the age thing and I can't do anything about that" card (not helped by people coming in here and saying the same thing).

The onus would be on the adult to not allow the child to contact him if police / nspcc / school or CEOP were involved.

Underthemoonlight · 12/04/2017 09:31

Some lax attitude here is very worrying so those posters who say you can stop it or control it are ok for their DC to be exploded sexually by someone clearly far to old.

Op you have a duty care regardless of sexuality you need to step in and be a mother and put a stop to this.

PutThatPomBearBack · 12/04/2017 09:31

But kings you aren't actually suggesting what the OP should do?

kingscrossnoodle · 12/04/2017 09:34

But kings you aren't actually suggesting what the OP should do? erm? Stop the situation. Stop facilitating by allowing. Stop in general. Take advice from everyone who has named the individual agencies. Basically stop.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2017 10:37

So, what do all you "you can stop them seeing each other" people suggest to prevent the high probability of an adult pressurising a child into a sexual relationship?

It is an adult with a child. Rape. Are you seriously suggesting you would do nothing to protect your child?

You a kid yourself all you like but this will be about sex. I think it would be a very rare 18 year old who did not want sex as part of a relationship.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 12/04/2017 22:57

Thank you all for your replies, useful and not. And I'm trying to take the advice of the people on here but I think a lot of you are underestimating the difficulty of dealing with a situation like this. I'm trying and all the people on here calling me a neglectful mother and blind and stupid, I'm sorry, ok? It's fucking difficult but I'm fucking trying. I doubt most of you have had to deal with a situation like this but it's not an easy thing with a simple answer. You can see from this shit-storm of a thread that everyone has a different way to 'help' and not all of them are useful but I'm trying to take some of your advice, ok?

OP posts:
Itaintme · 12/04/2017 23:01

It's ok user. I can see you are trying your best. If you didn't care you wouldn't have asked for advice on here.

I hope you can find a solution.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2017 23:07

Are you going to actually take any of the advice ?

mainlywingingit · 12/04/2017 23:17

OP I do think you are kidding yourself about them not having sex.

I would speak to the 18 year old. Tell him to break it off and NEVER contact your son again else you will contact the police. And that if he tells your son or daughters you spoke to him again you will call the police.

That OP is the only way. Alternative is to actually call the police.

You are trying I see that but you need to get your head round radical action.

user1487546656 · 12/04/2017 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweets101 · 12/04/2017 23:39

I'd be wary that this doesn't turn into "but i only slept with him because you won't sleep with me" coercing your DS into having sex.

mainlywingingit · 12/04/2017 23:41

Or you write to the school 'anonymously' and tip them off about a potential grooming situation and they will have to deal with it officially. Tell no one you wrote the letter and how can it possibly get out?

It's a hard one. I see the problem here.

Floralnomad · 13/04/2017 00:10

Your son is 14 , and you are obliged to protect him whether or not he appreciates that protection and I'm fairly sure a fair few of us have been in similar circumstances where we've had to choose to parent appropriately or stay friends and keep the peace and hopefully the majority of us have taken the parenting option and ultimately protected our children . Your ds not talking to you will be the least of your worries when his promiscuous ,cheating friend has given him hepatitis or HIV , and believe me despite them all knowing the risks lots of gay men do not practice safe sex .

AnyFucker · 13/04/2017 06:33

You want to be mates with your son, instead of his parent. Bad news.

kingscrossnoodle · 13/04/2017 06:57

And the idea of my DS refusing to talk to me because of his distain for me frankly fucking terrifies me.. You should fear the idea of the 18yo having a 'relationship' with your CHILD so very much more.

I honestly can't believe what I have read on this (and the last) thread from OP and others.

Here we have a child, a child who's first line of defence is his MOTHER. Mother sits back and lets child be at best in a dodgy situation but the reality is in all likelihood this child is being groomed and abused. Just because your sons 'bf' isn't a 40yo man does t mean they don't have a sexual interest in young boys. Maybe not, maybe it's just a power thing, your son is an easy target. Either way it's fucking disgusting that anyone would EVER consider condoning this. And ffs; you dont want to fall out with him OP? Get a fucking grip. Your child is In danger. Stand up and be his parent .

kingscrossnoodle · 13/04/2017 06:59

Or you write to the school 'anonymously' and tip them off about a potential grooming situation and they will have to deal with it officially. or you walk right into school and deal with it. What's all the anonymous shite? If that were my child the very first thing I would be doing would be going to school to ensure no contact was possible during school hours.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 13/04/2017 07:30

Maybe he will be pissed off with you at first, but sorry that's life. That's parenting. It's been said many times - you're his mother not his mate. How do you think it'll negatively impact upon your relationship with him when he's all grown and sits there, taking stock of the fact that he was groomed and potentially abused by an adult whilst he was a child and you, as his mother, did nothing. Effectively you allowed it to happen.