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17 year old daughter with 25 man

(34 Posts)
user1491759226 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:47:23

I have just found out that my 17 year old daughter is going out with a local 25 year old. I feel the age gap is way to big at her age.

He does seem a very sensible person, he owns his own successful business although still living with parents.

I just think that at their ages they cannot possibly have anything in common, they haven't shared the same live experiences, they'll soon want different things etc. I can only think he's with her for one reason!

If she was 22 left uni etc or he was younger I wouldn't have a problem.

I'm concerned that she'll get hurt, pregnant or that even if they are truly in love that she'll end up growing up too quickly and miss out on what girls her age do, university, traveling, building a career.

I know its only 8 years difference but its the difference between him being at an age where he must be thinking about starting a family, marriage etc and her starting out in life.

I don't know what to do, do I let them get on with it or should I try to explain my above concerns at the risk of pushing them together?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:54:48

Unfortunately you have to just be supportive x x
Please don't jump in heavy handed. .
My relationship with my dm never recovered when she hit the roof about my 21yo bf at 16.

user1483387154 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:56:10

Let them get on with it and be there for her when she needs it, same as you would with a relationship with a smaller age gap.

Iris65 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:59:09

Definately explain your concerns but keep and open mind. Its one of the roles of a parent after all.
I wish my dysfunctional parents had intervened instead of pushing me onto a 34 year old when I was 17. My mother set us up and then got angry when I didn't want see him. I ended up in a very abusive relationship.

specialsubject Mon 10-Apr-17 09:12:06

Probably is for just one reason as a 25 year old would find a giggly selfie obsessed 17 year old a bore - but not everyone is the same.

As long as she is belt and braced ( pill and condoms) and doing nothing that she isn't 100% happy about, leave them to it. Kissing a few frogs and all that. And maybe he is the prince!

MumBod Mon 10-Apr-17 09:25:35

I think she's got more chance of getting pregnant with a daft 17 year old than an experienced and hopefully more mature 25 year old, tbh.

I did it at her age - he was 27 and still lived with his parents. We didn't shag, he turned out to be gay. For once, my parents played it right. They left me to it, knowing it wouldn't last five minutes.

And if it lasts, she's happy. Win.

VeritysWatchTower Mon 10-Apr-17 22:30:41

I'd invite him round for dinner so you can meet him.

His age probably doesn't matter to your daughter, just the fact that he has money and a car grin.

I was 15 and my boyfriend was 18, he had a job and a car but still lived at home with his parents. I had a Saturday job but he worked full time. He would take me to the cinema etc. We didn't have sex and he was a great person to be around. It fizzled out after 6 months.

Meet him and talk to him, ask him the questions you have.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Mon 10-Apr-17 22:43:22

I was 17 and my now dh 27 when we got together. We have been together 9 years in august and are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this week, also have three beautiful children. My parents where a little concerned when I told them about our relationship, I think more so because he also has a son from a previous relationship and at 17 becoming a stepmum to a 5 year old was a very big step. They left me to it, got to know him but didn't pry, I now appreciate their past concerns but am so glad they didn't interfere and so are they now its all worked out. I appreciate that it doesn't always work put the way it has for me but it does happen. I was also a very mature 17 year old who moved out age 16, had a job and was doing my qualifications so I guess my situation was.different to your dd

user1489226029 Mon 10-Apr-17 22:46:02

I knew a couple got together she was 17 he was 29 still together 27 years later. So it can work.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Mon 10-Apr-17 22:50:04

Just want to say as well. I know you don't mean to offend but I hate the 'miss out' comment people use whenever a couple get together/have children young. Me and dh did some travelling, clubbing etc early on in the relationship and I completed my nvqs before we had our children. The way I see it, I've had my children young and once I'm in my 40s my children will all be young adults and me and dh can then things like travelling or whatever then. Just because you settle down young doesn't mean your missing out. I absolutely wouldn't do things over if given the chance, I'd do it all exactly the same. I certainly don't feel I've missed out. There's people I knew from school my age (I'm 25 almost 26) and they're still going out clubbing every weekend and I just could not be bothered with that, no appeal at all.

portico Mon 10-Apr-17 22:51:38

It's wrong. She is under 18. He is 25. 25 is usually the age where you are formed as an adult. I xwould say a 19 year old tops.

Why not try to smother him with so much kindness that he does a runner.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Apr-17 22:54:01

It's not wrong, portico, there's no magic wand when you turn 18 that makes you very different.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Mon 10-Apr-17 22:54:49

Why is it wrong portico? She's over 16, she's old enough to live alone, vote etc but not old enough to make her own relationship choices?

portico Mon 10-Apr-17 23:21:30

That age gap is more than the 8 years. She is coming out of school, and he is at an age to settle down. Sorry, not liberal enough to agree with you guys.

portico Mon 10-Apr-17 23:22:20

He has had mature experiences by the age of 25. At the age of 17, she hasn't.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Apr-17 23:57:59

'At the age of 17, she hasn't.'

At 17, I'd have more 'mature' experiences than my H had at 25.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 11-Apr-17 00:10:35

I think all you can do is be supportive and trust your DD. Get to know him, welcome him and see what happens.

Obviously this would change if he was acting in an abusive way but there's nothing you say that would indicate that.

Yes I would be concerned if she had undergone a massive personality transplant since meeting him and had previously talked about travel etc and was now changing all her plans to fit in with him but again there's no indication of that.

For a first love affair , a very sensible person(in your own words) might be better than a 17 year old who will possibly be more likely to mess her around.

I would also be wary if it was my DD but at the end of the day you are better off keeping a strong relationship with your DD so she can come to you with problems rather than turning them into star crossed lovers against the world

portico Tue 11-Apr-17 00:13:06

Think I am out of kilter with you all. It's late now, must turn in and go back to the 1950s.😇

EffinElle Tue 11-Apr-17 00:18:04

I was with someone that age when I was 17. I preferred older men than my peers as I was quite mature for my age (I left home at 17), lads my own age seemed very immature to me, I felt I had more in common with older men.

Pallisers Tue 11-Apr-17 00:26:41

I don't think 25 year old men are ready to settle down any more so it is possible that he is just as immature and wants the same kinds of things as a 17 year old girl.

But I wouldn't be happy if it were my daughter. Not sure how much you can do though at that age just ride it out.

My 40 year old relative was in a relationship with a 19 year old at one point (he was and is lovely and is now married to a woman his own age - this young woman was exceptionally mature ... but still - we were horrified). to this day I commend her parents' approach which was to invite him home (they had a lot in common actually being of similar educational backgrounds and close in age!), not have a hissy-fit and it eventually ended. They are still friendly.

I would hate to see my dd settle down into a serious relationship age 17 and I realise that there are loads of people on MN who were independent, married, mortgage holders at 17 or 18 and it all worked out well. That is great for those it worked out for but I honestly think the odds aren't good. I matured a lot between 17 and 25 and my tastes and values expanded and adjusted to actually living an adult life for a number of years.

PollytheDolly Tue 11-Apr-17 00:28:15

If he's a good, genuine man then I'd go with it and not be too worried. I've have always dated older men since I was 16, not sure why but they were the ones I connected to, but men/boys my age I never really gelled with. My exH was 12 years my senior (married 22 years) my now DH is 7 years older, I think he's young lol.

If she's happy and being treated well, why not?

And invite him for dinner!

Neverknowing Tue 11-Apr-17 00:36:03

It does seem a large gap. Depends where she is at in life though, at 18 I had a good full time job and had moved out. My friends are still at uni etc but I've been paying bills and being an adult for a while now, age doesn't mean a lot tbh.
I'm 20 and with a 26 year old but it doesn't feel like we have an age gap, it really depends on who you are as a person. He is probably quite a young 25 if he still lives with his parents and she's probably a mature 17. I think you just have to be supportive or she may not tell you things in future!

lljkk Tue 11-Apr-17 08:59:16

ime, 25 yr old men are NOT thinking about marriage. They still just wanna have light-hearted fun. My dad's generation (born 1940s) maybe those 25yr old men had marriage on the mind. Not 25yo blokes born after 1960.

She still lives with her parents.
He still lives with his parents.

Probably have buckets other stuff in common.

The rules for how she deals with him are the same as if the bloke was also 17. Respect each other, don't settle for being treated poorly, support each other, be kind & listen, etc.

Bubblysqueak Tue 11-Apr-17 09:02:14

I was 18 and now dh was 28 when we met. 12 years later (8 married) and 2dc and we're very happy.
Meet him, get to know him before making any judgments.

wifeyhun Wed 12-Apr-17 21:19:05

Hmmm I was 18 when I met DH over 17 years ago. He was 28. I was very mature, we had loads in common and he makes me laugh like a drain. He is a fantastic dad and supports us all.

Would I be happy if this was my own daughter?, I'm not sure. I would want her to be happy.

All you can do is support her really. If it is meant to be it will last.

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