DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

[user1487546656]

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

He may also hold a grudge for many years to come if you fail to protect him from sexual abuse/inappropriate relationship.
I think that grudge would last longer and the ramifications would be far greater.
He is 14, he needs your help with this.

I would contact the school/ college of the eighteen year old. They need to know because it is a safeguarding issue. This older lad could seriously fuck up his life through this. Your son only has to turn against him and shout abuse (and if he feels rejected then this could happen) and that's it for the older boy. Plus he (older lad) clearly needs guidance on what is appropriate and not. He's an adult and therefore needs to realise that having any sort of partnership with a child is not on. He's probably going out (I assume this is hand holding, fumbling and kissing) with your son because it is safe but he's now moved away from this safety and has now experienced a full sexual relationship. He probably wants to end it with your son because he's moved on now in his life experience. You know this lad so you can gauge, unlike us, where he is emotionally with this. If he had a member of the pastoral team telling him in no uncertain terms that this is Not Good, then he might finish it but only you can judge that from his personality. He must be coming up to exams soon and be busy with that, is he likely to then move to uni or get a job? He's not going to want to be seen with a 14 year old.

You sound like you have a good relationship with your son. Again, tell the school as this is safeguarding and they will talk to him. It's not appropriate as many have pointed out and having another person for him to talk to apart from you would be good. He needs to be walked down the path of this relationship ending. It would be great if the 18 year old just cuts it off anyway. Yes, your son will be distressed but that will pass. If he won't be compliant in this, then you need to get in outside agencies to tackle this. Your son needs to know that there are other people like him with whom he can identify so suggestions of local support groups is a good one. You need to start drip feeding the idea that a good relationship is based on mutual trust and not cheating. You need to get your DD on side as well as her brother's welfare is more important and actually her friend's welfare is too and this isn't doing either of them any good.

I had a relationship with an 18yr old when I was 13 there was lots of kissing fumbling but we didn't have sex. My mother would've had no chance of stopping it even if she tried. He broke up with me because of peer pressure but we were in love for about 5yrs. And I'd come home and see him around we never lost the connection. Of course OPs son is too young just as I was but main thing is for the 18yr old to respect his boundaries. Teenagers lose their virginity at 15 on average in the UK he is working it all out with his mum at his side. Paedophile comments are naive.

My mother would've had no chance of stopping it even if she tried.8

Why not?

Nowadays your mum could go to the police and get your boyfriend out on the sex offenders register guidance. If you were my child, that's exactly what I'd do and it's what I'd do if I were the OP too.

Why wouldn't my mother have had a chance? Because I was confident and independent and manipulative I was starting to operate socially independently from her. I am someone who excelled academically and used that as license to operate independently socially. He also wasn't a paedophile I'd developed early he was young emotionally. I still look back on that time fondly as part of growing up. My mother knew very little about that side of my life and I was actively rebelling against her. But we were close pre teen and super close post teen. I'm now married 10yrs with two children, had maybe 3 long term boyfriends before DH, a few less committed encounters. I have a good degree from one of best universities. In other words I'm happy, successful and normal. Having people describe teenage relationships in such black and white terms is naive. By that time your job is to listen and support your ability to direct and boss etc is diminished and if you succeed detrimental to confidence and independence. I don't know these young people but I doubt there is some grown man and a small boy or OP would feel far more uncomfortable

If my mum had put that poor boy on the register I would never have forgiven her. He is utterly normal. Married with kids too now. I had a women's body and was bright and intelligent. He was the nervous one. He was just an experimenting teenager just like me. You have to use common sense the law is supposed to protect not be abused by insecure parents who want to control their children.

You were 13 guidance. You were a child. He was, however immature, an adult.

Thankfully we no longer live in a time when relationships between adults and children are socially acceptable.

guidance ,no 'normal' 18 yo goes out with a 13yo , however mature she is . I wonder if he'd now approve of an 18 yo getting involved with his child when it gets to 13 and I'm sorry to say it but if you think it's normal and ok then there is something wrong with you as well .

He also wasn't a paedophile I'd developed early he was young emotionally.. Not really relevant.. he was 18 and you were 13.

I would move heaven and earth to prevent this happening to any of my children. I'm not sure why people think parents are not allowed to take responsibility over children. All this how could you stop them shite, of course parents can step up and protect their children. If they want to. Some people just seem so bloody passive.

i had a women's body

This is one of the most disturbing things I have read on MN to date. You did not have a woman's body. You had a 13 year olds body. Fuck sake.

I often read posts on here from people who were either dating an 18+ at 13/14 or dating a 30+ at 16/17. The general consensus seems to be that when people look back they think OMG what on earth, seems a bit odd now etc. For you to still think 13 & 18 is acceptable is quite frankly really shocking. Do you have children? Would you be happy for someone older to come along and take advantage of them?

"Having a womans body" in no way mitigates an adult having a romantic relationship with a child

Just making that statement negates everything else you have said, guidance