DH hitting 13-year-old boy

[worriedmw]

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

I am in touch with social services. Thank you.

I'm glad. Follow through this time, please. I know it must be hurting you, but your children will be so grateful. I never could have asked anyone to remove my mum, I needed my Dad to do it without involving me. I needed it to not be my fault, and I couldn't believe it wouldn't be if I asked for it. But I needed that.

I'm alright now. You will be, too, and your children, and hopefully your DH. Maybe all together. But for now you need to put them first and hope your husbands love and adoration of you all means he listens and doesn't ever lay a finger on any of you again; and that he takes his punishment for last night, which is likely to be some time away from you all.

And their advice is to go on a triple Ps parenting course through a school or children's centre.

Just how much did you downplay this to them?

I'm out, now. I was really trying, I know it can be hard to see the wood for the trees in the heat of the moment, but your children need someone to protect them.

He needs help clearly but would be shocked to be called abuser and bully

As opposed to the other abusers who wear the title with pride and don't argue with it?

What do you think abusers look like? One dimensional pantomime villains with twirly moustaches?

And I'm Queen Nefertiti.
I wonder why I don't believe you? Glib response to get us off your back?
Doesn't wash with me op.

You told Social Services that your husband hits you and hits your children and there only response was to send DH on a parenting course?

Sometimes I wish MN had the power to track down posters and call Social Services on them when there are serious doubts about a child's safety.

If I was a Christian I would be praying to God but it wouldn't be for you OP, it would be praying that your children tell someone what's going on so they can both be removed from your care.

And their advice is to go on a triple Ps parenting course through a school or children's centre.

Like fuck it is, not unless you seriously understated what's going on. I bet you've not even told us half of what's happened and yet I bet I speak for many of the posters on this thread when I tell you I feel physically sick thinking of what your poor children are going through physically and mentally whilst you prioritise your 'precious' husband.

What exactly did you say to them ?

Writerwannabe83: That wouldn't be very Christian.

Some of the posters on here should hang their heads. Seriously. The OP (if this is real) is in an abusive relationship and sounds virtually brainwashed by her vile husband. Sarky comments about her faith are both useless and cruel. Grow up.

Can't remember when he physically disciplined kids last time.

How about when you had to call 999 because he hit DS1? Even if was a while ago, once is too many. But he's done it again and you're defending him and minimising what he is doing to you and your kids.

OP, is there anyone at your church you could speak to?

I really think you need as much real life support as you can get.

Can't just simply ditch something precious and start again

You can't simply start again with raising your kids either. You are damaging them now. You don't get two chances at this. Your action or inaction is a decision you are making. You have a choice, your kids don't, until they are old enough to leave home.

Have you tried speaking to Women's Aid? 0808 2000 247 www.womensaid.org.uk/

Don't put the responsibility of leaving your H on your eldest child. That's cowardly and disgraceful.
YOU know what you should do and you're taking the easiest option for YOU.
Start putting your DS's needs before your own. Stop being so selfish.

When you spoke to SS were you actually honest with them this time?
Did you explain that he has already been on a course and this has done nothing for him because years later he is a violent bully?
Did you explain that he assaulted a 13 year old again? Over noodles ffs. Im not a fan of pot noodles, but fuck it if my dc's want to eat them they do, they don't get beaten.
Did you explain to them that the assault left wounds on the child? I doubt it.
Did you explain that your husband pushed a door with such force that it knocked you to the ground?
Did you explain the psychological and emotional abuse? That he tells them not to talk to them because he doesn't want to beat them. That they need to leave and go into care see how that works out for them?

No. You didn't. Because all you are doing in minimising the abuse your children are undergoing. It doesn't matter if it was once, twice or rarely ffs. You need to pull your finger out of your arse and parent these kids properly and protect them from the abuse.
Walking around on eggshells in case he shouts/hits is not normal. He has conditioned you to fall in line and do as told, hence you don't do a damn thing. Children push boundaries. They should be able to push these in a safe and loving environment, i.e their home.

And as for leaving the decisions to them about whether to leave or stay? Are you actually for real? On what planet is this remotely acceptable. Stop being so bloody naive and stupid. Of course they aren't going to make this decision. They are fucking scared because of the threats he has made.

But yeah, crack on. Keep talking to this waste of a space man. Let him continue to bullshit and promise he won't do it again. How many times now eh? One more year of abuse won't make a difference.... Oh wait, it will. But of course it's not a problem. You don't see the damage this is doing. Don't be surprised in 3 years time the 13 year old leaves home. That is of course if he hasn't spoken out before then and told SS how his dad abuses him and mum sits ideally by asking them, do you want us to leave dad?

Normal, loving parents would have phoned 999 and got his arse arrested for the crime that he committed.

You think this is harsh? I don't care. What you are feeling will be nothing compared to what your children will be feeling. Step up, and protect your children. No more bullshit. That's it. Tell him to not bother coming home. If he does call police and get him removed. You also might want to call woman aid. Maybe they can make you see sense.

I wish your children luck. if things remain the same they are going to need lots of luck and prayers.

And did you call the police and report the assault on yourself and your child? The assault that left physical wounds?

You need to be the adult and protect your child.

If this is real and that was their advice then you weren't at all honest and open with them. Your husband has been violent and should be removed from the family home. Please seek legal advice.
I would report to police too and get any injuries documented.
He's violent and abusive. A parenting course is for someone who maybe struggles with routines or discipline. Not a man who knocks his wife to the floor and hits his own child.

This makes me so bloody angry. He didn't just hit any old 13 year old boy, he hit YOUR 13 year old boy. If it had been my DS the fucker'sfeet wouldn't have touched the ground as I chucked him out.

Please get you head out of your arse and protect your child!!

I don't believe OP has called SS, as I really doubt they would just offer advice over the phone! They'd be out in a flash.

OP do you think your husband was hit as a child??

They'd be out in a flash.

SS are massively overstretched.

Worried your OP and further comments are infuriating me so I'm going to hide this thread now.
I really really hope this is a reverse or a troll because your not behaving like a mother right now.
I know adults who have been through exactly the same DCs are going through and let me tell you it's not a pretty picture, not at all.
Sorry nothing more helful to add as it doesn't involve playing happy families with the man who hits your children at the dinner table.

I told her everything on the phone. She asked whether there had been injuries and I said, honestly, no, just red marks on skin. She said in this case it's not for them to get involved. So her advice was for me to talk to dh and for him to go on a parenting course. But if there is any injury or if either I or any of the dcs is in fear then we should call the police. I said my worries were that someday he may accidentally hurt our child. She said every parent could get angry at times, which is normal. She said right now we need to improve our parenting.

Just to clarify: all DCs are not only mine; they are his too. He shows care and love as a normal Dad.

He pushed the door so hard it knocked you to the ground! What about the emotional abuse, did you explain that?