Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DH hitting 13-year-old boy

278 replies

worriedmw · 16/02/2017 11:10

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/02/2017 13:40

Surely the best thing you could do today would be to call social services and/or the police yourself to report what happened. That would show that you take this seriously and are willing to protect your children.

They would surely advise you on what you need to do. Then the only talk you need to have with "D" H would probably be to tell him that he needn't bother coming home after work because he has proven to be incapable of exercising self-control.

HecateAntaia · 16/02/2017 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NumbNelly · 16/02/2017 13:52

So what you're saying here is that you love your husband more than your children.
Give them to SS so you can have your child-battering abusive husband all to yourself.
I hope this is a troll. You sound like absolute scum.

iloveeverykindofcat · 16/02/2017 13:55

Agree with Topseyt. Phone the police and report the assault on your child. Take responsibility, and do it now.

Original poster
worriedmw · 16/02/2017 13:56

He pushed the kitchen door hard and the handle on the other side hurt my leg. Which was why I didn't see his hitting. I was on the floor having been hurt myself. It's a scene I don't want to repeat. I did cuddle DCs, looking at DS1's back where two red marks, telling him how sorry we are. It wasn't serious hitting. Upsetting enough, nevertheless.

Our sons know how much we love them and want to give them the best. My husband admits anger is his issue.

Decision. Just want to have lunch in peace and then decide.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 16/02/2017 13:57

Any hitting which results in marks being left is serious hitting. Don't minimise it.

iloveeverykindofcat · 16/02/2017 13:58

Decision is what?

DameDeDoubtance · 16/02/2017 13:59

It wasn't serious hitting! Shock Good god woman, your poor children. They have an abusive father and a complicit mother.

Woman up, do the right thing, put your kids first.

harrypotternerd · 16/02/2017 13:59

he may admit that the anger is his issue and yes he is right but if he was a man he would remove himself from a place where he is ABUSING HIS CHILD and get help. There is no other way around this. Either you want to be a good parent and do your job as a parent to protect your children or you want to neglect their emotional wellbeing by being with an abuser.

ArriettyClock1 · 16/02/2017 14:02

Is this for real?

I feel very sorry for the children if it is.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/02/2017 14:05

Your poor poor son Sad

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/02/2017 14:06

The most precious for me is to for our family to be together. DC needs their father too. He loses temper sometimes but isn't abusive.

I can tell you're very upset about all this, but some detail would be helpful. How did he hit him? Is it the first time it happened? How is your DS now?

If your DS feels afraid of his DF I think you need to get advice on leaving him. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Can you afford legal advice? And do you own or rent your house?

At the very least your DH should agree to go to anger management, and you need to make it clear that if he feels he's going to lose his temper he leaves the house. If he hits your DS once more you'll leave him. If you are afraid to talk to him like that - you need to leave. If you can't lay down the law, he won't have any reason to change.

Megatherium · 16/02/2017 14:06

The most precious for me is to for our family to be together. DC needs their father too. He loses temper sometimes but isn't abusive.

More precious than your children's safety? You do realise, don't you, that there is a very serious danger that the decision about whether they stay will be taken out of your hands?

For goodness sake, he pushed the door hard enough to knock you over, and it would appear that he must have known you were there. You were on the floor, but he had so little concern for you that he carried on hitting your son - and it looks as if he did that twice - hard enough to leave marks. On what planet is that not serious?

KitKats28 · 16/02/2017 14:06

This thread is very interesting in light of the other thread about hitting children. Fine at 3, wrong at 13. At least the people on this thread seem to understand that hitting children is abusive.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/02/2017 14:09

All these sounds like excuses...

That's because they are. I appreciate that this is going to be hard and painful for you, but for the first time for me on MN - LTB! For the sake of your children. Stop minimising the abuse and the effect it has had and will have on them. He has done it before, he is doing it again. How do you think this will end?

I'm going to report this thread now in the hope that you are a troll. If not, I really hope you see sense and I pray that your God has more mercy for you than i do for enabling this man to abuse your children and to push the onus onto them. That is horrific.

Parker231 · 16/02/2017 14:10

How do your DC's know you love them when you allow your DH to hit them. Once is too many times in my book. What is your level - one bruise or broken arm, hospital visit?

frumpet · 16/02/2017 14:17

So how are you and the children going to word this 'second chance' to your DH ? Are you going to tell him he needs to go and get help with his anger issues ? That he is going to have to accept that staying means no more hitting ever . That he needs to acknowledge that what he did was wrong without trying to blame any of it on DS and then apologise ?

lashy · 16/02/2017 14:17

The most precious for me is to for our family to be together. DC needs their father too. He loses temper sometimes but isn't abusive.

Not when he treats them like this.
Please be strong and do the right thing immediately - bluesky summed it up nicely on p5.

raindripsonruses · 16/02/2017 14:18

Don't make ds choose the approach. He is a child; you are an adult. Apart from anything else, if this goes on ds may hit him back and it can escalate god knows where. Zero tolerance of violence. Get dh out and change the locks.

TimidLividyetagain · 16/02/2017 14:18

If this continues and your son ends up leaving or in care before he's 16 . Ur son will grow up. But.u will never get to go back in time and do the right thing.he will always know u put your husband first. Ur teenager may get worse , teenagers do. And what then.u never get a rerun at this. They grow up and they never forget they weren't priority. And it wipes out all the other good thing's u do for them. And u can never fix it once they grow up. Think now what should u do to show your sons they come first. He's clearly done it before.

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/02/2017 14:19

I didn't see your update.

He pushed the kitchen door hard and the handle on the other side hurt my leg. Which was why I didn't see his hitting. I was on the floor having been hurt myself. It's a scene I don't want to repeat. I did cuddle DCs, looking at DS1's back where two red marks, telling him how sorry we are. It wasn't serious hitting. Upsetting enough, nevertheless.

So he hurt you too. I think you may be so used to walking on eggshells around this man you can't see the wood for the trees.

This situation is intolerable for you and your dc's, I hope you see that. Ask your DH to stay somewhere else for now to give you all space. If he is truly sorry, he should agree to that. Take a bag out to him so your DS doesn't have to see him. And then you can think about what you want to do. But I think your dc's immediate safety should come first.

Topseyt · 16/02/2017 14:19

Not serious!!

He shoved the kitchen door shut so hard that the handle caught your leg and sent you sprawling across the floor while on the other side of it and out of sight of you he clobbered your child! He has even left marks on him (perhaps photograph those for SS, as evidence).

He injured both you and your child and you still don't see it as serious!!!! You must be used to this sort of thing and think it is normal when it isn't.

Of course it is serious, and you need to take it seriously. You need SS and police involvement. You need help. He is a risk to you all.

Your DS saying it didn't hurt that much was probably him not wanting to show his wounded pride. Of course it hurt. A lot. He just didn't want to give his sadistic father the pleasure of knowing that it had. He still needs you to do the right thing now though.

GladysKnight · 16/02/2017 14:20

IfI had a faith I would be praying for you to find the courage to do the right thing.

I suggest you get advice from someone like women's aid this afternoon. Perhaps someone on here can give more info about where you can get advice, so you don't feel alone with this decision.

FetchezLaVache · 16/02/2017 14:23

What really comes across to me is that you really only care about how any of this affects you. Your husband's disintegrating relationship makes it harder for "you in the middle". You want a nice little course that fixes your family with the minimum of effort on your part. You're a dangerous mix of self-centredness and utter passivity - Choice 3, the one where you leave your violent husband and get your children to safety, seems not to have occurred to you.

ApplePaltrow21 · 16/02/2017 14:24

Op, you're a christian, right?

You may feel like divorce is not biblical but loving separation IS. It's perfectly compatible with even extremely traditional christian beliefs to leave your husband and at least live apart if he harms you or your children.