Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Sugarpie Tells the truth. You'll always be the villain no matter what you do. You may as well be a divorced villain free to love and look after all his children.

Christ on a bike ,,I can't read past page 18.... op are you for real???come on man ,woman up...wife and adult daughter areADULTS....stop pussyfooting around them....if they cut you out of their lives for this, then it would of been any other reason,they are that type of person....your wife sounds like she has belittled you for years and you were suprised to find another female liked your company....why do you want to stay married???? Genuine question...in your shoes I'd be getting a divorce and spending as much time as possible in Poland...you are not a bad person...you do not deserve to hand everything you own over to a wronged wife...stand up for yourself and stop letting her walk all over you...she might even respect you for it..

Get your house up for sale ,split every thing50/50....you are young enough to start again...people are living well in to their 90s now...I'm sure the the little polish girl is where your happiness and future lies xxx

Yes it's worth waiting a few weeks for the shock to lesson, then you can revisit some of these points. But your adult dd does need to know before you die. Your wife will eventually see that when the shock wears off. Hopefully.
When she sees a few emails and she realises that you do not hanker after the polish woman, then she may relax the other rules. Can you show her old emails to prove this. Can you restore old emails if you have deleted them?

Give it time as the other MNers have said.

Your wife may have respect for - though she will not like it - your determination to be a father to your Polish daughter. Complete open communication should also ease her mind. Her fear is that you have feelings for the mother/secret 2nd life.

But you also live in a sexless marriage with it seems little warmth nor have much in common. It would be natural for your wife to be hurt and angry but I'm worried that she is going to punish you for the rest of your days and you are going to take it. That's no way to live.

That's why I think being assertive now about what is right for your Polish daughter is good guidance.

It makes absolutely no sense to give your English daughter money.

dowhatnow
Thanks for that suggestion. I hadn't thought of that. In fact I can certainly show her the last 3 years worth of emails. All entirely innocent of course. And my occasional text messages too.

A genuinely good suggestion. Why didn't I think of it.

Yes, I am hoping that things will become easier to come to a compromise given time.

Thanks

Offer the historic emails up the next time the lack of trust/questions regarding your feelings the Polish lady are raised. Your willingness to respond to your wife's needs is important.

Don't offer it up before because it's too much and she won't see it in the context of you responding to her doubts, iyswim. And also unasked for information can be overwhelming, especially after the torrid time you've both had.

Thank you everyone. You really have been helpful. Genuinely. And comforting to me at a time when I feel so low.

I am hoping that my wife will become more sympathetic to my Polish daughter as time goes on. If she does, then I can probably see her agreeing to relax the visiting element which is the most important to me.

Regarding telling our English daughter, I can't see her moving. She was very emphatic about that. But who knows over time. And, as at least one of you said, my Polish daughter will doubtless use social media in ten years time or so (when do people start using social media? around 15 years old? ) and may decide to trace her half sister in England. Which would not be the best way for my English daughter to find out. And already she talks about wanting see her English sister.....

Young people are on society media much younger than 15. 10 if not earlier!

Ted Do you feel loved by your wife? Do you love her? It all sounds so sad and even sadder for your little daughter. She is innocent in all this.

Ted. Give your wife what she wants for now. She is understandably devastated but she seems like a decent person in that she is allowing some of her money to be paid towards your polish child.

I think that when she sees that you have 0% affection for the Polish mother then she may well ease on that point.

As a pp pointed out, it is every woman's worst nightmare, to be abandoned by their husband for a younger woman whilst they are left infertile, on the shelf to grow old.

You need to prove yourself to her before you start demanding things. Your polish daughter isn't necessarily worse off for not knowing you. Many children grow up fine with just one parent as long as that parent is loving.

Also, do yourself a favour and take this as an opportunity to stop being such a wimp. I don't mean "man up" or "grow some balls" because that is what got you into this mess but you need to own your own crazy.

Stop blaming your actions (like the godawful text) on your weakness. Being passive is a choice, an action in itself. Get some integrity. A backbone and accept that you may have to suffer short term for the long term good.

Neep's right, sad as it is a divorce is the way from here, probably the only way this can move forward with out a lot more resentment. Some of these things would be very difficult and damaging to compromise on.
I don't agree with your wife not wanting your daughter to know because she's not a tabloid who's gonna tell the world after all, contrary to your wife's fears. The woman is understandably upset but she's not the only person involved. As for the Polish mother I think her stance on things is very selfish and she's being deliberately difficult to make things harder for you, if not vindictive even, but you can't change that. Still, the little girl won't be a little girl forever and will be able to visit you independently later if she wants.

Do I remember rightly that divorce would leave you without enough money to support your polish daughter and visits to her? Have you looked into that? You could work out what a settlement would look like- not the one you mentioned earlier where you give everything to your wife out of guilt, but a proper settlement. It may be better than you think and would allow you to do the right thing.

You could make a counter proposal to your wife, either we divorce in which case you will get X, or we stay together and I will continue to do abc and will in time tell our daughter.

Why is she pulling all the strings here - you need to rake some control back ! She is fighting to save face ? Which is more important your young innocent daughter or saving face ?

Surely it would be better to duvorce and spend some quality time with your young daughter - you will never get that time back .....

Ted you sound like a decent person.

Your wife sounds controlling and unaffectionate. FWIW you sound incredibly unhappy and squashed down. Sometimes people stay together out of fear and/or habit.

I think you will make a life for yourself without your wife bringing oyou down even more. Yes, I have every sympathy with her situation but I don't see sticking together "to save face" is the answer for either of you. She has lied to her own sister about the real state of your marriage re the sleeping together.

Please tell your eldest daughter. Don't lie to her and tell her in person by yourself. Please don't let your wife destroy you and your non existent self esteem any more.

You sound a nice man and actually there are a lot of nice ladies out there who would love the chance of being with a kind man (no matter how "old, fat and ugly"). Have you actually looked around you? Not that many Colin Firth's or Aidan Turners walking the streets near me.

Another thought, what if in her anger your wife decides to tell your oldest anyway? That would be devastating. I think you need to tell her. Your will respect you more for telling the truth.

*Your daughter will respect you more

You think your wife holds all the cards here, but she doesn't.

If she is so adamant that she will lose face if you tell your dd, then she is also not going to want to go through the public humiliation of divorce and your polish dd becoming public knowledge.
So although she might threaten divorce, she won't want it.
Give it a while, show her the old emails as I suggested, continue to reassure her that your marriage is important to you, but eventually insist that you tell your English dd and continue your relationship with your polish dd.
I would also resist paying your English dd money. That's irrelevant. Look at your payments to Poland with your wife, on their own merits. Are they generous considering money goes further in Poland? How much does the woman rely on/need the the payments? How do they compare to the csa calculator?
Don't give your wife all the power. You have some too. Try to look at it as working as a team to do the best thing for everyone to rectify your ginormous cock up. After a few weeks try to get your wife to think how your dd wil feel on learning about a secret little sister, when you die, especially knowing that her mum knew about it. She wil feel betrayed by her mum as well as her dad.

In my experience when people make a song and dance about how weak and helpless they are it's an act of passive aggression, and a control mechanism. You've basically manipulated your wife, your daughters and the Polish woman for 5 years by pulling the "too weak to take responsibility" stunt. You didn't avoid telling your wife because you're weak, you did it because you wanted your nice life to continue.

You do not need to "persuade" anyone to give you "permission" to do anything - it's a passive aggressive way to put all the responsibility onto everyone else. You're an adult man. Make your decisions and stand by the consequences. If you CHOOSE to abandon your daughter because you don't want to sacrifice your current nice life/marriage, that's your choice.

And really, you shagged a rando while you were abroad on a business trip. You didn't murder anyone. Stop with the "terrible, dreadful mistake" stuff. Not condoning infidelity but deciding you fancied a cheap legover with a stranger really pales in comparison with keeping a love child a secret for five years. And that wasn't a mistake - it was a conscious choice you made every day.

Continuing on from my post. Try to get her to come to the conclusion that it is best for dd to know before you die, but if she doesn't come round tell her that you are going to do it anyway. Same for your job. Tell her that you need to protect your job regardless. As I said, she won't want divorce as it will be too humiliating. As a pp said, the clause about sleeping together is because she didn't want to lose face with her sister. So she will come round to you telling dd, and seeing your polish dd. If on the off chance she doesn't, then I'm afraid you should man up and face the divorce. You have to insist on doing the right thing for both your dd's.

I think you do have to own what you did and deal with it. Letting your wife tell you what to do is actually the easy way out. Tell everyone the truth. Your daughters deserve that.

It all feels bad and raw, painful and distressing at the moment but you're actually now in a much better place than you were before you told your wife. Long term, this is far far better for everyone.

Now she knows - there's no more lies and secrets about money and messages.
Now she knows - you aren't living with the fear of her finding out by accident.
Now she knows - the Polish mother is not going to be able to use the threat of exposure to manipulate you. (Not saying she would but she could)
Now she knows - you have treated your wife with the respect she deserves and she can choose what she wants to do.

Ironically though, your wife's understandable fear of humiliation and of 'people knowing' is the very thing that is giving you back some control so divorce sounds a bit of an empty threat.

She says she will divorce you if you tell your daughter - but if she divorces you everyone will know including your daughter. Illogical, no?

Keep going Ted. You've done the hardest part. It will take time for a new normal to develop and for things to resolve one way or another and it will get better. Don't make promises you don't want to keep and stay strong.

And you can ask your English daughter to keep it quiet "for her mothers sake" so even if she is initially very angry with you, hopefully she won't tell all and sundry. As a pp said give it a few weeks to let your wife come to terms with it herself, then insist on telling her - preferably together showing a united front to resolve things. But definitely tell her whatever.

You never know, your wife may get a renewed respect for you "manning up" and facing the issue head on and being prepared for whatever consequences arise.It sounds as if your wimpyness has been part of your marriage problems

Yes, you're right it was a very bad 'choice' to not tell my wife and English daughter about my Polish daughter.

I was frightened of the consequences.