What are your opinions on families that only have 1 child?

[juicychops]

before i had ds i used to think maybe it was cruel for a child to have no siblings and it was selfish of the parents to choose for a child to grow up being an only child..

But since having ds, i could not possible have another child, for many reasons including the fact i couldn't cope with another and being a single parent couldn't risk being left alone again with 2+ children

what are your views?

Like you, I couldn't imgagine coping with 2+ children on my own, but then, neither could I imagine finding a reason to get out of bed ever again if my only child died.

First child is 4 and a half and I have just had child number 2. I am feeling a bit sad to have lost my cozy only child family. And now I have two children's fragilities to worry about!

Also, just received first child's nursery report which said social skills were his "best subject" - so there goes that reason for having no. 2 - doh).

On the other hand, having two makes me think, hmmm, maybe three would be nice, or four, or ...

I don't think anything about it. If someone has one child, I assume that it is either a conscious decision (which is none of my business), or a result of circumstance (which is none of my business).

My Ds was an only child for 11 years, due to the fact that i was a teenage mum.
He had my undivided attention for all that time and i feel that i could enjoy him more.
All through that 11 years he always wanted a sibling. When i told him i was pregnant he was over the moon!

Because he is that much older than Dd its almost like i have had 2 only children IYKWIM.
I like the fact that she is my only baby, and my time with her isnt really split.

Saying that, i do sometimes worry that she will get lonely with no one to play with at home.

There is no "better" way to have children really there are pros and cons to each side, I think i have the best of both!

What happens if parents can't choose - ie secondary infertility?

And what business is it of anyone's how many children one has? We're not all clones, we don't have to lead our lives in the same way.

It amazes me how often people feel they have to criticise the choices of other mums (and it is never dads) - witness the debate today about women in the workplace.

Concentrate on your own child(ren) and doing your best for them. Forget what everyone else is doing - it's their business.

i have an 8 year agp between my ds's. i only planned on haveing the one ds but ds2 was a surprise. i was forever asked when i was going to have another and no one could believe me when i said we werent. we have had lots of nice holidays etc that we couldnt have done if we had two very close together. when we tolds ds1 i was going to have another baby he was quite upset as he had had our undivided attention for so long, but after coming with us to see the scans and being totally involved with every thing such as picking clothes (he draws the line at pooie nappies) he loves his little brother to bits, so much so we have to get him to give ds2 a few minutes peace sometimes.

i agree with izzybiz in that it feels like i also have 2 only children!! ds2 is with me all day and ds1 has the evenings with me when ds2 is asleep on his cot.

i wouldnt have it any other way now.

I find it so reassuring to see the support and understanding here from parents who have more than one child. So many people tell me to my face that I am cruel or look at me disbelievingly when I say that I'm happy with one - they seem to be waiting for me to say 'Ha -fooled you! Of course I'm having more!' I know it should be mine and DP's business but it feels as if it's everyone's sometimes. DS is an only through choice, not circumstance, but I have thought long and hard about that choice. I still think I can be a good mother to him and he can be a happy child even though I really don't want another child - I just wish in RL people could see that

here here!!
ds1 was an only child through choice until we had our little shock!! (im not drinking alcohol ever again)

I would NEVER judge anyone who for whatever reason only had one child. For all I know they might not have a choice about it and anyway it's none of my damn business. What I would say though is that speaking as an only child it was sometimes very, very lonely. I was a shy child anyway and not having a sister or brother to interact with just made me even shyer. I'm also faced with the possibility of having to care for my mum if she is unable to look after herself which is going to be pretty damn diffcult as we're hoping to emigrate to Oz later this year. Hope this makes some sense, I've had a couple of large glasses of red.... actually more than a couple!

Changing the subject slightly it never fails to amaze me what nosey bastards people are when it comes to having families. We got are you having a family, are you actively trying(?)are you going to have some more?
honestly, I felt like saying it's none of your business, yes we love a good shag thanks and again, it's none of your business.

I can't believe soph28 post - 'know someone who had an only child through choice- mainly because of a bad experience of labour/newborn phase/child a poor sleeper, and wanting to be able to give child everything that he wanted- that is until the child started asking for a sibling! He is not an only child anymore and 2nd time round the labour was great and baby was a great sleeper!'

now that is indulging the child

Dh and I very deliberately chose to have an only child. We are both from a family of 3 children, but do not feel that ds will be missing out.

Luckily ds is an uber-friendly, confident child, runs up to anyone and anything when we are out and "chats" to them. Perhaps it is because he is an only child that he is so friendly and trusting of adults, I don't know, I will never know.

I just know that his personality makes him an ideal candidate for being an only child, he will NEVER be lonely because he has loads of relatives and is so obvioulsy good at making friends.

I have had lots and lots of people ask why I have settled for an only child (dh and I are both 39, so it's defo. not late to have more) and they have usually followed it by something negative, like your ds will be lonely, etc.

I wish people weren't so judgemental, I would never dare question someone who has 10 kids or no kids. One of my best friends never married, never had kids, is now retired and living abroad and very very happy about it.

I am glad that people have bigger families, it will keep the human race going, but I am happy with one extremely beautiful and happy son

My OPINION (I guess we are allowed to have them even though it is a sensitive subject) is that it's fine when they are younger but later on in life can be difficult...

I am sort of experiencing 'only child' syndrome at the moment as my sis lives abroad so I am the only child in close and regular contact with my parents. As such I feel a huge responsibility to my parents, which will get more difficult as they get older. I couldn't even contemplate moving to my husband's country and leaving them. I think it's a lot easier when you can spread that responsibility so am going to have 4 of my own, so the burden is less on each one!

Of course there are plenty of good reasons why you may not want or be able to have number 2, but if you are wavering in the decision then I think the above is worth considering.

It very much depends on your experience of siblings too I think. If you haven't had a brilliant experience yourself with your siblings, then it makes you wonder. Not all siblings are close and take equal responsibilty for their parents.

I am the youngest and yet the heaviest burden of parents has always been on me. Sadly, both of my parents died very young, but if they were still alive I would still be their main carer.

I can not see why the burden of parents should be a major consideration. Children shouldn't really have to worry about their parents all the time. Also I am ensuring that ds doesn't have all the burden. We have lots of very close relatives who will help.

True about siblings. My husband is one of 4, and it is only 3 of them that do the caring for the parents. Even though it is not always 'equal' they do feel able to call on each other if one feels under pressure.

Obviously I am not obsessed with looking after my parents, and there are ways around it, but both my grandmothers were/ are cared for by their children and I hope to be able to do the same for my parents when they get to that stage. Am hoping my sis will be back by then to help out!

It's just something to consider - not to say it makes the whole issue black and white.

I am very jealous of my SIL who has one child as she can easily hand her over to me and then have an active social life at the weekends and she has more time and more money to spend on her dd than I do with two. I am equally jealous of my other SIL who has three gorgeous kids the smallest of whom is an absolute joy. Its a case of horses for courses I think.

Find it funny tht someone was told that it was cruel to only have one child. I'm an only child and have never had any problems. Yes it would have been nice to have siblings and I can see what I missed out on when I see the interaction between DH and his brothers, however I have also seen families where siblings absolutely hate each other and the pain this can cause their parents. There really is no right or wrong, only what is right for each individual family and for those who feel it OK to comment otherwise, just tell them where to go!

I agree Mishw, I'd have loved to have a sib for my ds but couldn't so that's that. Also I know a lot of people who are not and were not close to their siblings. my dh is not at all close to his b, it's sad. I love my sibs but god, we've gone through some horrible times too!

It's so nice that everyone here has been so non-judgemental about people with only one child.
I would love another, but don't think it is going to happen. I find in the real world that the majority of people do have an opinion(usually negative) about me and my child being an only. I guess it is just human nature for people to want to judge and place people in boxes, that is why sterotypes persist I guess.

I was asked today by my dh's receptionist when I was having another! Our dd is only 8months....didnt know what to say...just sort of mumbled...well not yet, we'll see (blah blah) but she persisted saying 'oh mine are so happy playing together' - didn't realise it was a competition!....My dd and I had a fantastic day seeing friends and their babies and all playing together. anyone got any good one liners for times like that???apart from the obvious feisty ones!

Not greatly witty but I've said things like:

Well you can't buy them in shops yet as far as I know

There should be a line you could compose along the lines of:

Well, the world's divided into women who find it too easy to get pregnant and women who find it too difficult. The former often don't deserve their luck and nor do the latter - but there it is!

Shellback, howabout making up a horrific birth story that resulted in you having a hysterectomy and burst into tears - that should do it!

Slightly different but the one question I keep being asked is 'are you going to try for a boy next?' as I have 2 DD (the youngest is only 5m!). When I laugh and say no that 2 is enough they often then say 'but wouldn't your husband like a son?'

FFS