What are your opinions on families that only have 1 child?

[juicychops]

before i had ds i used to think maybe it was cruel for a child to have no siblings and it was selfish of the parents to choose for a child to grow up being an only child..

But since having ds, i could not possible have another child, for many reasons including the fact i couldn't cope with another and being a single parent couldn't risk being left alone again with 2+ children

what are your views?

You should have said it was high time your daughter had a teacher who could keep their mouth shut!!

Cheeky mare!

good thread - it was just saturday night someone in the pub said to me 'when are you trying for more, dont you feel like DD needs a little playmate yet? ' whether we are trying or not I find it VERY VERY obnoxiuos (sp = drinking wine and rude to ask such a personal question. Just like when I was pregnant, people would say 'oh well done, but you never said you were trying...I had no idea'
Well why would i annouce that I might start charting EWCM whilst having unprotected sex to the family

I have just the one and know that my "family" won't feel complete unless I have more but will obviously have to come to terms with it, if ultimately I can't have what I dream for. One of my closest friends is an only child - I am one of three. She is loyal, generous and extremely kind and has a sort of aloof independence sometimes which I think is wonderful. She doesn't spend time worrying what people think about her - she never wishes she had siblings because she says she only ever knew what she knew and had loads of friends and her parents undivided attention. However as an adult with both of her parents entering their 70's, I can see that the burden of looking after them will fall to her and it is at times like this that I know she would like to be able to share that burden....it's hard isn't it.

I think one is just fine

many siblings i know do not get on

some of my loveliest most balanced friends are 'only' children

far better to be a lovely happy mum with one child than a fed up mum with two

Just, if it's any comfort when we told my 13 year I was expecting twins (full not step siblings) she and the other children cried. She then arranged to be abroad on the French exchange to miss the births.
(now she loves them a lot)

dh and i are both from families of three, and our ds is 3. i never really saw myself as a parent of one, unless there was some unforeseen circumstance, but therefore do tend to look at parents of one as having faced some unforeseen circumstance, and therefore tend to feel there is a slight air of pathos around them/us. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm not judging (thanks UDad) but feelings are not always susceptible to logic - clearly it should never be anyone else's business, but that's sometimes how I felt.

I had a 'are you going to have another' conversation with a local mum of 3, and she just said 'i always feel it is better to have more than 1' which is her right. It made me feel very sad about our situation. But, although she is a very supportive and helpful woman (demon babysitter) she will not be there in the night helping me with a second, or paying for childcare, or giving me a break during the long, long weekends that were such a feature of ds's first two years, when dh was so depressed that he was literally in bed, all weekend, every other weekend. Even my fantastic mum and PILs will not be there all the time. I had many, many moments in the first year when I wished I had never had ds, not because he is anything other than fantastic, but because it was just so hard.

sorry, that was a blart.

Reading this thread has been really interesting - I am an only child but have half brothers and sisters...Im an only child by my mother but am the youngest of the extended family - 1 half bro, 2 step sisters and three step brothers once removed -although I only lived with my half brother when I was very young. There are elements of my character that are only child traits however, others are not. I have an 8 month dd, had a fairly traumatic birth and swore I wouldnt have another one - Always imagined I'd have 1 or 3...My dh is the middle child and he has even said I would be depriving our dd of a sibling! Part of me wants another child but for many reasons I am happy as things are. I know it is early days but even now I get comments from people saying it wont be long before I have another one - I never realised how opinionated were until I had a child! Watching 'Never did me any harm' CH4 whilst writing this.....interseting viewing.

I don't have a view on other peoples families, well the number of children they have.

You just don't know what they may have been through to have that one child and what issues they may have that is preventing them from having more (fertility issues, medical conditions/disease, finance, housing, relationship, support, personal choice etc).

I always wanted more than one and have been fortunate to have three. Not sure if we will have anymore. I have always questioned this 'one of each' saying as a reason for not having more when you already have a boy and a girl. I wonder if thats what people mean or is it just an easy thing to say - is it such a big thing to have one of each and would they have had more if they had two of the same (or do they mean they are perfectly happy with the 2 anyway regardless of the sex?)

There is a really lovely thread on MN about the positive things about having an only child; makes great reading

don't have one

My dd is an only child. My husband and his family started to nag me about having another I think the day after we took her home from hospital and it has been mentioned on pretty much a daily basis since (I'm not kidding). The only time it wasn't was just after a miscarriage last year - for about a week.

There has been so much pressure put on me, that it will never ever feel like my decision to have another child now, only that I have succumbed to the pressure and as such, the experience has been tainted for me, perhaps beyond salvation.

I have three siblings and we weren't particularly close as children although I am glad of them now as we deal with my ageing parents etc. so I sometimes do wish for my dd to have that same experience but the choice has been effectively taken away from me by the constant haranguing and if anything puts me off the whole idea.

Juicychops, Thanks for your op, haven't read this whole thread yet but just to add: I have one ds (6) and would have loved to have another but it wasn't to be. I've struggled with feelings that I've failed my ds by not giving him a sibling but I've become more and more positive about it - I feel we're so lucky to have each other and that's the only way to look at it - he has loads of friends and is busy and well adjusted.
what hurts is how often other mothers mention that he's an "only child" as if it's some kind of illness, absolutely unprompted by me.
I think our society is quite judgmental of families with only children, people with more children always seem to pity my son as if he's having a worse time. "Is it just the one you have?". A woman at school said to me once: "Didn't you want to have any more?" As if I had one child out of selfishness.

hulababy where is that thread you mentioned? thanks

just to alter the angle of this a bit, I live in Germany where the birthrate average is less than 2 children per family, and the economy is certainly geared up for that - for example no double childrens seats in any german supermarket trolley. when I first came here with my 2 (20 months between them) and was out and about with the double pram I got stared and stared at, and now I am pg with third get stared at even more, so in some cultures, less is definitely the norm....

I think it is this one

hulababy - had a peek at that thread - lovely to read! thank you.

I do think it's brave to make the decision to have just one - only because of the earache you get from others about when you're going to have another.

I wanted to be an only child until the age of about 20!

There are pros and cons to being an only child and I don't think there is an obvious advantage to having/not having siblings.

People in general seem to have a "script" when they talk to others and it's usually extremely rude and intrusive. I would never dare question why people chose just to have one child or, indeed, if it was a choice. It's just as rude as someone saying, when you announce you are pg, was it planned?

Only scanned the thread - makes for interested reading though. We only have one at the moment and I am totally undecided about where to go from here.
I know someone who only ever wanted one, purely from a materialistic point of view - she wants to be able to give him everything and anything. (She's a very loving mommy as well I might add)
I can't imagine having another one at the moment for other reasons - I can't imagine sharing myself with another child - is that totally stupid?
My friend has just had a second beautiful boy and said she had the same fear - but she has the same intense feeling of love and protection and it has made her appreciate her first even more, because she makes more of an effort to make sure she is not left out.
I am still waiting for my body to decide for me! - Then I need to see if it will allow me to have another! - I am one of four and absolutely love my two brothers and one sister - my dad wanted a large family because he was an only child and very lonely, but I think parenting has changed so much over the years that being an only child isn't such a negative to most anymore!
I know my little one is not lonely and I don't think he will miss out if we stay as we are.

my dh's grandad was 1 of 8, a normall big family for the time. They were poor, also not unusual for the time. He vowed he'd do his best as a parent, and to him that meant having only one child and giving her everything. And that's what they did.

Now 50 years down the line, dh's grandmother still yearns for the child(ren) she never had. She frets unbelievably over her precious only child. Unfortunately, the precious only chld was diagnosed with an extremely serious, incurable disease last year. They are crushed. Precious only child, my wonderful mil is crushed under the burden of caring alone for 2 elderly parents, increasingly stuggling. No place available in sheltered housing, trying to hide the extent of her illness etc etc.

I guess I'm trying to say when it comes to our own family, we tend to focus on having a baby, imagining ideal age gaps etc, or ensuring plenty of little play mates for the only child ect. But there's a whole future to consider. I think the burden on adult only children is extremely tough.

In Switzerland I think it's the lowest birthrate in Europe. Only children are much more common. Like frenziednester says, things like double-seater shopping trolleys are unheard of here. When I'm out and about with my 3, people sometimes ask incredulously, are they all yours?????

At the end of the day, unless you have the 'perfect' one boy, one girl, you're going to get ear ache. I didn't hear the end of it for having 3, and all boys. Don't you want a girl? Will you try again to get your girl? 3 is a lot, ooh, what a lot of hard work blah blah blah. People will comment no matter if you stick at 1 or have 3 /4/5.

I'd just like to add that it's not always the case that those in larger families feel that an only child would be missing out, or, as seems to be the case on this thread, that they would feel alone caring for elderly parents. I am one of 5 children, 1 of those is a similar age and I have 3 half-siblings much younger, who would likely not be much help looking after my older mother. My "whole" sister has been ostracised and we do not speak, have not for 8 years and probably will not ever again. I also have 4 step-siblings who are not close to my side of the family.

I only plan to have 1 child.

You shouldn't have your children so that they can look after you when you are old. Yes, they may well have to, but IMO, that is a rubbish reason to have more than one.

ernest, I hate this idea of the "perfect one of each" mentality. However, for every annoying hetful person that asks me if I am going to try again for a girl, I meet a monther of a boy who swears that she will keep trying until she has a girl!

That's HATEFUL...der

obviously the world is full of people who are only too willing to share their opinions re what's best for you and your family, lol. but of course only you and your dh know what's right for you, whether that's 1, 2 ,3 or more, or whether having a particular gender is important (I've never got my head round that, got so many comments about 3 boys. I mean, it's not like I had a say in the matter. Get what you're given)

btw, I wasn't saying earlier that caring for elderly parents was a reason to have more than 1, but I do think like a zillion other factors it's something to consider.

But many many people have no choice at all - so all those worries exist for them too, obviously. I would just appreciate it so much if my having an only child wasn't constantly pointed out to me by people with more children - some people seem almost fixated on it as if we're some kind of tragic group! It is pretty horrible to be on the end of that. Let alone gender choices - that's not a dilemma I can even imagine.

So choice is not even on the menu for many people let alone those who can't have children at all. I was one of those for years until I finally had ds - fertility is not everyone's privilege!

We can't all go to Africa and buy a baby like Madonna.... sorry..... controversial

And BTW, don't we have to have the energy and inclination to get the stork passing by? DH and I get so tired we are more...(falls asleep after yet another interrupted night..zzzzzzzzzzz)