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Original poster

What are your opinions on families that only have 1 child?

172 replies

juicychops · 24/02/2007 12:59

before i had ds i used to think maybe it was cruel for a child to have no siblings and it was selfish of the parents to choose for a child to grow up being an only child..

But since having ds, i could not possible have another child, for many reasons including the fact i couldn't cope with another and being a single parent couldn't risk being left alone again with 2+ children

what are your views?

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Blu · 27/02/2007 13:30

No more or less views than families with any other number of children!
DS really enjoys his friendships with other children and I am happy that he is invited to play lots and to host other children. I am happy to help out when Mums of more children need me to take one of their kids while they do something with the others, or to have the whole group of siblings to play so that sending a child out to play gives them the same child-free hour as when I send my one to play with them.

I spend no time at all (as far as I can see) 'combatting only child behaviour', as DS's behaviour seems remarkably similiar to his friends' from bigger families!

DS is our family, we love him to bits, we enjoy ourselves, I am very happy that bigger families to enjoy it their way too - nothing more to be said!

Blu · 27/02/2007 13:32

Dances...oh yes! And a list of things that people freely tell you (on MN occasionally!) that they don't like about only-children! But that's prejudice for you - Juicychops, do what is right for you, not what the prejudiced think is right for everyone else!

UnquietDad · 27/02/2007 13:39

I usually think it's their bloody business, and there is probably a good reason why they only have one.

What are you people like, FGS? Is there ANYTHING people won't judge on mumsnet??

Interested in this thread?

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lazyline · 27/02/2007 13:50

You can only do what is best for you. I have a friend who says that you have the first child for you and the second child, you have for the benefit of the first and that it's not about you any more. I keep my mouth shut.

Her theory is wrong though, as you can never predict what sort of child you can have. As this thread has proved, there are people who were only children who wished for siblings, people who, like me, hated their sibling and wished to be an only child. There are those who loved being part of a large family and would never dream of having less than 8 kids. It's ridiculous to suggest that you have another child for the benefit of the first when you can never know what the outcome of that will be.

Hellywobs is right about being disapproved of in every situation apart from having 2. It's ridiculous!

And Soph, I agree! Are they trying to covertly tell me that if I had another boy they would ignore it?!

Rochwen · 27/02/2007 13:58

I think there are pros and cons for both. I am an only child and as I child I could not imagine having a sibling and thus having to SHARE my parents. Now, I wish I had a brother or a sister to share the care of my parents and to have an extra special bond.

Actually, that's a good question, do people have a special bond with their siblings? Is it different from having a close friend? I'd really like to know.

I have one dd who is now 19 months and I think this will be it. I am still not fully well after the pregnancy and having another one could be risky, so I guess that takes the decision away from me. If I was fit as a fiddle I don't know if would have another one.

frenziednester · 27/02/2007 14:00

I have several friends who are happy with one and ask me (because they know I am an only child) if they think I was disadvantaged by it; and I feel sorry for them because they are getting a lot of pressure from family and friends to have more (I maintain that if people express strong unwarranted or sought opinions on any type of child care issue it is always more about them justifying their own choices than anything to do with you): I always say that yes, it has taught me to make friends quicckly and I am not shy, I am used to having to do things for myself (don't know whether that can be attributed to an only child quality or not), but the disadvantages are that my friendships are so important to me I sometimes feel I expect too much from my friends but I'm working on that. Also, I'm not so good at conflict resolving as perhaps my husband is who has siblings. I didn't mind at all being the only one when I was growing up, but now I would like to have a sister, and I am sad that I will never be an aunt, as I love my own so much.

Iklboo · 27/02/2007 14:04

I'm an only, DS is an only. I just wondered how it is "cruel" to only have one? DH has siblings and can't see how marvellous it was for him to have them. They spent most of the time fighting and it was only when they all got into their 20's that it all seemed to calm down. They only see each other at special occasions as it is. The Waltons they certainly ain't!

Rochwen · 27/02/2007 14:06

Oh yes, and it really annoys me when people come up to me and ask when the next one is coming along. I don't want to explain my reasons for having only one, it's personal. I know it's just curiosity on their part but I never know quite what to say.

Piffle · 27/02/2007 14:11

juicy I was like you, had no stable partner, already had one lovely ds who took all my time and love, never met a man who was good enough for him, so no way was I having a sibling for a siblings sake.

then I met dp when ds was 6
DS is now 13, dp and I have a dd who is 4.5 and one due in 3 weeks
That's it after that.

But basically my answer is I think nothing of people with 1 child, in my cousins case it is non specific infertility and debts left from 7 rounds of private IVF, so knowing that about her, makes me very cautious about judging or even mentioning it to anyone. I mean it is no one elses business surely?

Birdly · 27/02/2007 14:40

I am an only child, and while I can't really say I was lonely or unhappy in my childhood, there were certainly many moments when I wished I had a sibling or two.
To be honest, being an only child is in some ways harder now I'm an adult. My mum is a widow and lives more than 100 miles away so, sadly, we don't see her very often and she is very lonely. She doesn't want to move house to be closer to us and she has no other family living locally to her. We were both utterly gutted when dad died. I had to be very strong for her, as she was shattered, but I felt I had no-one to share my own grief at losing a dad with. The death of a parent is a very solitary experience when you're an only child.
It's impossible to avoid the fact that one day, perhaps quite soon, there will be difficult decisions to be made if mum's health fails and she needs more support (hopefully getting her to move closer to us but obviously I can't do that against her will). I have a fantastic DH but inevitably the practicalities will be down to me - and, oh, how I wish I had a brother or sister so we could support mum more and prop each other up too.
This is just my own very personal experience, and is in no way any kind of criticism or judgement on anyone who chooses to have only one child or who has that decision made for them for whatever reason. As so many people have said, the number of children you have is your own business and no-one else's (we have 2, in case you're wondering! ). I suppose I just wanted to make the point that being an only child is something that goes beyond childhood itself - you sort of become an 'only adult' too, if that makes sense.

madmarchhare · 27/02/2007 14:46

The worst thing about it for me is when I get into trouble for punching the next person who says to me, when DS is being a pain in the arse, ' Aaah, is he an only child?'

Ahem, anyway, I have no opinion on how many children people choose to have (other than that couple who were on the telly the other day).

madmarchhare · 27/02/2007 14:49

Im an only child and agree that it can be a tad tricky on occasion as an adult. Then again, I didnt have ds so that he could look after me when he is older.

JustSometimes · 27/02/2007 14:53

I have 1 child (18 months)and 2 step children (18 & 21yrs)
Sometimes - just sometimes (hence the name) I wish for more.
Otherdays, I'm glad there is only one. Sometimes, I wish I was still single and flying around the planet, burning loads of jet fuel.
But I love them all
Some may argue that the age difference is like having an only child - pros and cons both ways, unless they have children too shortly.........

northerner · 27/02/2007 15:08

Birdly you post has just made me feel very sad. Fortunatley both of my parents are still alive, and I dread the day I lose them. Hopefully though it won't be too solitary. I can lean on my dh and some very good friends.

Judy1234 · 27/02/2007 16:57

If I married someone with children from another marriage and were childbearing age, I would want to ensure I had more babies with him than his ex wife have. I've noticed that pattern too with other people who remarry. Although I suppose the more you have the more his first children suffer financially so that's probably a morally repugnant position.

Eleusis · 27/02/2007 17:12

I wouldn't want just one, but I think it is fine for those who do. Nothing wrong with it. I just want my kids to have syblings.

Aloveheart · 27/02/2007 17:14

Everyone is different while some like large families some just want one and that is enough for them.

themaskedposter · 27/02/2007 17:14

JustSometimes - I too have one child (2.9) and 2 stepsons (13 and 15). Dh and I are currently debating having a second (his forth) ... sometimes it is THE best thing I could think of doing ... and then others I am humming and ahhhing as to whether it will be the right decision (usually when dd has been a bit on a stubborn streak!)

I s'pose nature will decide!!

thethirdwisemonkey · 27/02/2007 17:16

madmarchhare - I agree with you totally, I didn't have ds to take care of me when I'm old either, I always think when people say that - how weird.
Anyway it's all decided I will pay a young man called Sven to take care of my every need when the time comes, that's if I outlive dh of course

Judy1234 · 27/02/2007 17:19

I think as long as both parents want another and as long as the father doesn't in consequence reduce his payments to his first family even if the law allows him to step mothers should go and and have another. What I don't think is fair is having more and expecting the first set of children to get paid less in consequence.

JustSometimes · 27/02/2007 20:16

Maskedposter: how did your step sons react to the pregnancy by the way? DH has 2 x DD and to say the youngest was 'put out' is a slight understatement.

Marls001 · 27/02/2007 20:56

Bidly - My mom (now in her 60s) would entirely agree with you. It devastated her when we lost my grandparents. "No one knew them like I did," she said. As her oldest daughter I was her surrogate sister then; knew more about them & missed them more than my other 2 sisters would. Says she's always wanted a sibling - grandparents had her at 38; weren't able to have more. Says she feels there's always been a hole in her life - but I think with her particular personality she's an extreme case. Love my sisters but would not have minded being an only child.

One of the reasons we had a second was that DS1's personality seemed similar to Mom's; another is both DH & I had friends who reached 16/17 then died due to reckless driving, either passenger or driver ... (we're paranoid; I know ...) we joke about an heir & a spare ...

MrsTittleMouse · 27/02/2007 20:57

Rochwen, I think that a sibling is different from a close friend, as only a sibling knows just how loony your parents really are.
Sadly, I now know what it's like to be an only, as my brother died when he was 25. I do worry sometimes about what it'll be like when my parents are old and only have me to rely on. Luckily I have a lovely DH, so hopefully that will help.

DD is likely to be an only as we had dreadful trouble conceiving her. Mind you DH told me as she was born that he couldn't face another labour and delivery anyway! But no-one in the real world knows that we had fertility issues and so everyone is asking if we'll have another. I just tell them that we don't have any driving need for another and we're very happy with DD. They all give me "knowing" looks that I'll change my mind and have another.... Get a bit old to be honest.

MrsTittleMouse · 27/02/2007 21:01

Marls, I sometimes think I'd like another for the same reason. Having seen my DPs when my brother died. I don't think either of them would be here now if I wasn't around.
Compounding everything is the fact that on my side DD is the only DGD too, because my brother died so young.

sarochka · 27/02/2007 21:12

I am the eldest of 7. I have one dd and despite several attempts for another looks like she'll remain one. Her teacher in Reception told me that it was high time my dd had a sibling!!!! get that one?

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