Groundhog Day exhausting me...Is this the parenting norm?

[TearingMyHairOut]

My ds1 is now 7 months and has been fairly hard work as a baby with reflux problems etc. I returned to work just over a month ago, three days a week and he goes to nursery. At the moment it feels like every day is getting me down. He's still not sleeping through consistently, and most mornings start at 6ish. It's go go go all day long, he goes to bed at seven, I finish off stuff round the house and collapse into bed at about nine.

Is this what life is all about now? I'm a teacher, a mother, a housewife. None of these jobs gets done wonderfully, they all get done 'just satisfactorily. If this is the norm, how do people keep going? It never stops, I wake up in the night thinking of what still needs to be done. I constantly feel like I'm running on a hamster wheel, but not actually achieving anything at all.

oh gawd i know

dd has reflux, just had cold, haven't had uninterrupted sleep for ages, house work omnipotent

ha

sod to it all

i have found that sometimes allowing your self a 'milk lie in' with baby, declaring 'oh dear standards are slipping i wont stay in this hotel again' to dh and congratulating myself for even surviving another day for some reason chills me out

just sit and breathe for 10 full mins with your eyes closed ... will all seem better for the mental break

having read some of this just wondered, were you busy, busy before your lo? do you thrive on it... i knw the feeling of starting one job and then anotehr and then another, it's really hard. i find, as others do, that short bursts are better, and complete one thing at a time..

Oh yes, I think I've always been busy busy and on the go. It's just before my body could hack it, now I expect to be able to keep the same pace and I just can't and that's tough.

TMHO I have just posted something so simlar too in the "Going Back to work" forum. www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=6&threadid=277922
And now that I've read this thread I realise that I'm not alone- but why the guilt OH WHY THE GUILT????! People tell you before you have your first baby how much you will love it etc etc so I was fairly prepared for that- but NOBODY breathed a word about how I would feel guilty in every area of my life because I am unable to do anything well. I can do most things ok ish but I am no longer good at anything. That effing sucks! see I can't even swear effectively. Must go back to work now. Effing sh*t at concentrating there too.

My dd had reflux (she's now 10 mths) - homeopathy changed our lives...

She still wakes in the night, but only once (hence why I'm up now)...please try homeopathy.

From what I'm reading a good sleep will really help you to feel better. Then you can start to look at how your life has changed/how it will need to change.

Also - having a job is like having another child. When I work I consider my job to be my 3rd neglected dc ( already have 2 dcs)...so, think about it...you're doing an amazing amount of work - you're bound to feel stretched.

Hey There.....
Phew what a thread! I have a ds of 3.5yrs and work 4 days a week and also do the books for 2 businesses at home, if and when I get chance (supposed to be doing it now!!) The first 12-18 months was hard, in fact I can barley remember it, I was always in a tis, but a wise family friend said some very intersting things that really helped me through. (I was diagnosed with severe PND so although it took me longer to settle I feel for most things do get better sooner.)

Think about this for a moment.......

How many lessons did you take to learn to drive a car?
How many months/weeks training did you do for your job?
How long does it take to learn enough to get GCSE'S/Degree?
How much training did you recieve for your new FULL TIME JOB as a mother, as a wife, as cleaner, as a chef???? My guess......none!

When you start a new job you don't expect to be completly competant until at least month six and even then you'll still come up against things you do not know how to do.

You have no training for this job, so take ALL the presurre of yourself and remember you are learning how to do this, as are your children. Try to take some pleasure in the tinyest things that you achieve and see it as a learning curve.

Life is hard at times ( most of the time really) so focus on the little things that are good, pat yourself on the back when you do manage to put ONE load of washing on and get it dry before it goes mouldy. Pat your self on the back when you manage to get out of the house only 5 minutes late. And ask yourself.........who says I have to do it this way? Just do what feels right for you and your family....we are mothers not saints!

Also for the guilt ( and a certain amount of 'me' time) I can really reccomend a couple of sessions with a qualified hypnotist. I totally changed my life.

We are all doing a fantastic job, just look at those beautiful children!!

TMHO. How many days a week do you work? Sorry if you've mentioned that. Have read most of thread, but skimmed some bits.
Could you perhaps cut how many days you work? Have one full day at home alone with him in which to play, and do ironing etc.
Mother guilt is the worst thing in the world, Tatat. I feel guilty over the stupidest things sometimes.
TMHO, I did controlled crying with dd1 at 4 mths when she went in her own room. Took a few days but she had a dummy. DD2 took about 5 weeks, bf and no dummy.
I go in 5 mins, 10 15 etc. started with 40 mins crying, for couple days and gradually got less, until now she goes in with minimal fuss.
She stopped crying on my going in to check, but when i left again you'd think she was being tortured. It is hard, but the reason you go in is to show them you are still there.
Once you start you can't really stop again or it doesn't work.
(obv you can stop, but it wont work then) and never, ever pick them out the cot, unless puking or something.
If you persist you will see results and sleep will make it all so much easier to cope with.
5 weeks felt like forever, but it was worth it.
Perhaps you and dh could alternate nights. Put in earplugs and leave him to it, then you do the next night.
I know you're probably thinking you can't cos he works, but hun, so do you!!! He may come home exhausted, but so do you. Don't think it will kill him to do more (acknowledge that you say he does help).
You can't go on like this.

Hi there,
Groundhog day is definitely the word..!! I haven't read the whole thread, but this is how I (try and) stop the guilt:

• I repeat the mantra 'living things are more important than dead things', about 1000 times a day (and then leave the hoover/mop/piles of newspapers and books and stuff).
• I tell myself (also about 1000 times a day) that, in 20 years' time, I will never say 'Oh I do wish I had cleaned/tidied/done the perfect housekeeping thing'. If I ran around frantically trying to do everything though, I just might go 'Oh I do wish I had taken a bit more time and relaxed a bit more..'.

It works for me. A bit anyway.

I totally sympathise TMHO, i used to be a teacher before i had my dd and i know the work load is relentless and it's not a job you can 'leave behind' at the end of the day, the constant interaction with up to 180 different pupils in one day means your mind is reeling well into the evening. I found it hard work without having my own child to deal with too!
I also had the same sleep problem with my dd at that age, i called in the HV and she told me to do 3 things

1. Put her to bed earlier (15mins each day until 6pm if necessary.)
2. not to let her sleep past 3pm in the afternoon
3. not to give her anything 'windy' for tea!

The first night i tried it she slept through the night for the first time in 3 months and although she still wakes occasionally if she is ill or teething it is never every hour as it used to be. I really hopes this helps, as her other plan was to do cc which i wasn't happy with, thankfully i never had to. Good luck, and roll on the holidays ps sorry if any of this has already been said, i've not read through all the posts

I also found 7 months very hard- still needing to do milk feeds yet needing to give solids, transition time re sleeps. Hang in there. I do recommend trying to crack the sleep thing though as it may hang over you for the next year or so otherwise. I am currently on MN with a basket of wet washing waiting to be put out- and feeling v guilty about that! So we are all in the same situation. It is about trying to strike the balance that is right for you and your family. It sounds like you are working very hard to achieve it- a bit more time and some more sleep and I am sure you will get there.
My own view is crying it out is the only way that truly works but you need to be very tough indeed to succeed with it. But each family finds their own way.All the best with it all.

Yeah TMHO cut down your hours or quit your job, teaching is a particularly exhausting and draining, enjoy your dc without all the guilt

Tearing, you sound so like me it's uncanny. My ds1 is now 3 (and I've just had ds2) but after I went back to work 3 days a week I spent my entire time whizzing from one thing to another and even when I had time off I would stress out about getting it all done & leave no time for me. Do you feel as though you're building up to something, you're whizzing so fast? I eventually had a breakdown when he was about 10 months the day of my mother's wedding & had to take a month off work to recover. You're right, you don't sound depressed to me but your anxiety levels sound sky high I'm surprised you can sleep even when your lo does!! Yes, small children are exhausting but I think it's your anxiety and guilt (plus the lack of sleep) that's exhausting you because you seem to be viewing life as one long list of chores.

I sought help & was sent to a psychologist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is activity-based and completely unlike counselling. Just as good for anxiety as depression. there have been other threads about cbt on MN or you could try googling it, it may really help you - it basically helps you unlearn unhelpful thinking e.g. I must/I should/I ought to be doing this. I was referred by my gp, perhaps yours might consider this?

And have you consulted a sleep clinic at all, I used one from when ds1 was 7 months. Ask your health visitor if you haven't gone down this route already. I was not told to try CC at all, they looked at everything else & suggested little changes which eventually made a big difference.

hugs, I hope you find some answers before you get to the end of your tether.

sorry, prob not much to help and I haven't read everything.

I have one child, and no reflux. Overall the first year was still tough tbh. Also i deliberately went back to a much less stressful job than I used to have. You are doing brilliantly.

My mum spent pretty much one full day a week cleaning in our house for an entire year. It still looked like crap most of the time, but at least we didn't actually die of food poisoning or have rats.

But one small poss suggestion -

people used to have HOUSECOATS or floral pinnies, or at least huge swathing aprons. If you wouldn't feel too Nora Batty, would it be worth buying 6 non-iron of these so that you and dh can 'pinny up' and keep some work clothes clean?

oh, and pick 1 or 2 small places in your house which you will try and keep clear - for me it was the dining room table and one armchair. I didn't allow these to have piles of crap on them or to be dirty, then at least there was always somewhere (for dh, tbh) to sit, and we could always eat something without having to move stuff first. The rest of the house was literally knee-deep sometimes but who cared? My job was to make other people feel better about their housekeeping.

Re ChoosyFloosy's comment about aprons. I always wear one in the kitchen now and ds1 & ds2 graduated from bibs to aprons aswell, which means we don't get all the fall-out at mealtimes which is great. One less thing to worry about.

okay I typed a huge long reply but its all gone so here's my top tip:

Get DS checked for lactose intolerance. we've just got DS (22 months diagnosed) he was a terrible sleeper from 7 months onward and we've struggled to cope at all over the past year and a bit. He had reflux, and crotchety spells etc - its easily done and once we cut dairy out of his diet he improved dramatically.

TMHO - I've only ever posted a couple of times on Mumsnet, but lurk sporadically. I have one suggestion, which i reckon stopped me leaving my son at hte doctors forever, and jumping out a window....

andrea grace. She has a website, and is the most fantastic person. She specialises in sleep problems, can do most of it in a phonecall, but if you are close enough (somewhere in the London area?) she will visit. She has no one set formula "really" listens, and we had Jack sleeping within 24 hours. I think she was originally a health visitor, who set up a sleep clinic, but eventually went private. The one off fee includes being able to call her as often as you need in the following month.... although I've emailed once since in desperation and she didn't charge for what she saw as something she should have mentioned the first time.

It's a lot of money (I don't know now, but I remember it being between £100-200 - yes I was that out of it that I can't actually remember).... but I would have paid 10x that for the relief it gave. This was at 12 weeks ish - DS is now 17 months, and bar teething and illness sleeps through 7-7 ish since 6 months.

Just a thought. Oh, and keep right away from anything dairy - can't remember if you're bfding, but if so, you give it up, if he's on formula get a prescriptiong one eg Nutramigen - also made a huge difference.

I suppose I have another suggestion for when you are feeling a little less fraught re: housework - linen baskets. Whether they're £1 jobs from IKEA (fab plastic folding ones) or pretty wicker ones for a bit more at Poundstretcher - have at least one in each room. Mostly for clothes, but I've used them for paperwork, toys, books, and if you have nice ones with lids even better. You're sorting as you go along but in a painless way. Then at some point - used to be when they were overflowing into another bin - I'd take all toys to bedroom, or all paperwork back to work etc etc These days I can get it done when a bin is only half full or so....

TMHO please be careful - my SIL had a DS with reflux and never got any sleep. But she just couldnt stop, got really manic about getting chores done, once washed the floor in the middle of the night. Her body couldnt take it and she eventually got bad PND at about the 7 month mark and wound up in hosp.

I'm NOT saying this will happen to you, but we can all only take so much and it may be that if you arent getting enough rest your body will find a way of sorting out what your mind cant get its head round....if u see what I mean.
You're in a tough place at the mo, please take care.

oh and I found cranial osteopathy helped my DS reflux a lot. at least he stopped puking on everything in sight.

I really sympathise with you, as you are in the middle of the hardest of hard times. But maybe you could try looking at things in a different way.
If you were in the middle of having eg building work done in your house, you would not expect to be able to exist exactly as normal would you? You surely would recognise that in the short term you would have to have an altered lifestyle until the project was finished and life could be restored to more what you desire?
Well your ds and his reflux is currently your project. In theory I guess it should be short term (AFAIK - not a doctor!), so you could look at implementing some short term strategies. It doesn't mean lowering your standards - they will always be the same for you and you can return to that in time.
For starters - I know your dh works full time but is it really as 24/7 as you do? Don't devalue what you do at home because you aren't earning money at the time.
Aim only to cover the real basics - and maybe limit the areas of the house that you will be concerned with - smaller areas to keep on top of. Anything else can be irrelevant for now, until you can be more rested and able to cope.
Don't underestmate the importance of sleep - chronic fatigue can be immensely damaging to all areas of your life.
Basically what I am saying is do what you have to to hang on in there. It will change. The best advice I was given is to remember that everything is a phase. Not saying it all suddenly gets to be a breeze, but more that as one challenge resolves, another different version comes along. Which is why it isn't really like Groundhog day. Don't mean that to sound depressing, its the challenges that make parenthood so rewarding, and some are easier to meet than others.
So implement some emergency measures, get some sleep, and recognise that you are in a hard time right now, and you are doing very well.

This may have been said but FWIW........Get a cleaner get a cleaner get a cleaner-even if it's just once a fortnight for 3 hours-what does that work out to- 10 or 12 pounds a week-not very much for the huge peace of mind it gives you. Thurs night is my fave night of the week because lovely Shirley comes and everything is pristine when I get home from work. Also agree everything looks better with a good nights sleep so try and sort the babas health issues and get him sleeping better-oh and at least a couple of times a week either go to bed early (am planning to head there myself shortly) or get a daytime nap. If you're a hot bath kind of gal (you may not be) then Dr Haushchkas lavender bath oil (oh er and a glass of wine..)worked miracles for me in that it relaxed me enough to forget about all the niggling worries and get to sleep.

If you're not bf try Valeriana, Kneipp brand (spelling?) is good. They're herbal, natural, non-addictive and they take the edge off without making you less efficient or on the ball mentally. I find that things just don't bother me as much. I can't wait to stop bf so i can take them when i need them, baby 5 mths, only a year to go ho hum...!

Oh, but try them at the weekend in case you don't get the same effect as me and fall asleep or something

Sorry, haven't read whole thread, but Tearing, why should you feel guilty about asking your DH to take on some housework responsibilities? You might go out to work 3 days a week but you're a mum 24/7 and as we all know, that's the toughest job there is. You say yourself that you're tired etc but you're still trying to fit in housework etc so don't feel bad about expecting the same from your DH.