Groundhog Day exhausting me...Is this the parenting norm?

[TearingMyHairOut]

My ds1 is now 7 months and has been fairly hard work as a baby with reflux problems etc. I returned to work just over a month ago, three days a week and he goes to nursery. At the moment it feels like every day is getting me down. He's still not sleeping through consistently, and most mornings start at 6ish. It's go go go all day long, he goes to bed at seven, I finish off stuff round the house and collapse into bed at about nine.

Is this what life is all about now? I'm a teacher, a mother, a housewife. None of these jobs gets done wonderfully, they all get done 'just satisfactorily. If this is the norm, how do people keep going? It never stops, I wake up in the night thinking of what still needs to be done. I constantly feel like I'm running on a hamster wheel, but not actually achieving anything at all.

Hmmm want to be helpful ...

1. Get out for some air ... not quite as good as a kip but gives you a sense of calm and if you can take LO he may sleep better (will get easier as Winter turns to Spring)

2. Invite your mates to a cleaning party to wipe the slate clean ... I know that sounds trite but people genuinely want to help and will willingly dig in for 30 mins for then you can sit and have a glass of vino after ... bingo, 4 of you will get 2 h of cleaning done in 30 mins and you get to socialise ... you can pick a house a month!

(Strike a deal with your MIL to do the ironining if she's so adept ... she will want to make sure her little boy looks good for work ... a bunch of flowers will suffice ... and just throw yourself at her amazing mercy ... people esp MILs like to be needed)

3. Cleaner -- deffo, I pay £25 for 4hours un Kent ... and I work 3 days ... goddamit money well spent even if only for the psychological reassurance.

4. On-line shopping -- said before but to reiterate, for a max cost of £5 (which you save cos you don't have impulse buys or pester power adding to the bill) the time shopping and journeying eclipses the original set-up time (most supermarkets let you do a 'repeat' list each week. This also helps cut down meal planning times because by ordering you already do the mental planning for the week's meals.

You need to recognise that YOU TIME IS NOT A CRIME.

x

Ohhh ... also

4. Invest in storage ...good chests and get built-in cupboards ...its AMAZING what a 10 min 'dump'session can hide out of the way ... and just having clear floor space makes you feel better

5. Agree with the

1 day = 1 house job

principle.

So you do 2 hours ironing on a Monday ... most important stuff first ... anything not done gets given to MIL or dumped in prev mentioned storage facility to next week. VOILA you're not 'incompleting' a task but proactively prioritising

6)Get shirts laundered professionally ... not as expensive as you might think -- i pay £1.80/shirt so a tenner a week which includes a washing and ironing and products ... most services will collect/deliver or will give you a code and laundry bad that hubby can just chuck through the door on way to work ...

I agree with clemsterdarcy TMHO...I felt a complete waste of space for my sons first year. I felt I could not do anything "right". Of course I came to my senses, got some anti depresants and stopped being so hard on myself. My mum helps me clean for 2/3 hours per week and does my ironing (which dh loves as she can actually iron work shirts properly) I do an online shop every week (dont pay a delivery charge as my order is ALWAYS over £70) and for the rest of the time just try to spend quality time with ds - If the rugs need hoovering, too bad! Good luck

TMHO think you are doing great. I too work 3 days a week. Fwiw when DS was 7 months old was absolutely the worst time. He ws a nighhtmare to feed and his sleep went to pot having slept through from 21/2 months.To this day I have no idea why this happened all i can say is that it sorted itself out. Also have you left your DH and DP together perhaps when he realises what is involved in looking after a 7 month old he will expect less done at home. I am lucky that i work a weekend a month so DH knows just what looking after DS is like

I've not had the chance to read all the threads I'm afraid but I have to add a cleaner is wonderful. Its all very well people telling you not to worry about the cleaning as it will still be there for you to do another day, but if the mess or untidyness stresses you out that advice really doesn't help.

We don't really have the money, but I have found a way and we have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and she has saved my sanity, I don't know what I'm going to do come April when she goes home!

Don't beat yourself up at not being able to do everything - no one can, you're not alone. It does get easier, I promise, but then like me you'll probably go and balls it all up by having a second one!!!

I'm afraid I have no practical advice to add to the ideas here, but just to say that I'm not sure if I did anything to contribute to things getting easier or if it was just time. I'm sitting here watching the football, glass of wine in hand - DD (3) and DS (1.3) fast asleep - something I could not have dreamed of a few months ago. I found the first year (with both of mine) very hard I did endlessly analyse what I should be doing right or where I was going wrong and endlessly beat myself up over everything, but in the end it just got easier. Hang in there, take the advice given, and I'm sure you are doing great.

Its my first post am a bit worried you will think I am nuts.... but I wanted to refer back to some earlier posts about anxiety. I was in EXACTLY the same emotional situation as you, anxious and guilty about not getting enough done, but finding it tough to stick at one thing, just running around frantically during nap time.

My health visitor suggested anti-depressants and I was horrified. Thought depression meant you cant get out of bed and had no idea that it can lead to high levels of anxiety, I just thought it was all down to my inability to organise and adjust "pull yourself together" rings in my ears!. After some persuasion (and in desperation to find a solution) I have been on the pills for 4 weeks and they have changed my life.

I havent turned into a stepford wife, grinning inanely at all things.... it still bothers me that the laundry basket is full, but is doesnt make me crazy with guilt and worry like it used to. I am a bit calmer and this makes the thinking easier.

Just food for thought....I hope the GP appt went well. If nothing else, just try very very hard to focus on the days achievements - they may not seem as grand as they did before kids, but sometimes just making it through the day with the same number of sprogs as you started with is a result!!!

Hi Tearingmyhairout
Sorry if I'm going to repeat stuff from earlier on this thread - I haven't time to read all of it- but wanted to say that yes, it is really repetitive and tiring and your life no longer seems your own. You are not alone in feeling this, so don't feel guilty that you are not relishing this new role!

Secondly our DS woke up somewhere between 4.50am(worst case scenario) and 6.45am from about 7 mths until very very recently. There was one horrible week when he woke up crying at 5am every morning, but then he was ill at the time, so we did get up and look after him. However, when he was well, had eaten well the previous day, and when there was no smell of poo from his nappy, we started putting him back down and letting him cry for 30mns. We also got him a very dim nightlight - a cheapy from homebase (£6) which plugs into the socket and gave him some light in which to play with his toys in his cot when he woke up early. As he has become better at walking he seems to wear himself out and now sleep through till 6.30-7am. Your DS's early waking might improve once he is on the move.

Whilst that is a long way off, try to console yourself that it won't always be like this, that you will one day have more time for yourself and more energy in which to enjoy it. My parents are always swanning off on exotic holidays, clear proof that there is life after children!!

Good luck

Any update?

TMHO - did you see the doctor?

Poor you TMHO, I do feel for you. I haven't read all the threads but one thing jumped out is the dummy, get rid of it, it just gives him another excuse to wake up. Accept you'll have a few bad nights and then it'll be better, try and train him to sleep on his own, don't let him be asleep when you put him down at night. Have you thought about osteopathy to maybe help his reflux or to help him settle, or homeopathy? Is he getting his teeth? Chamomile teething granules are fantastic. Definately get a cleaner or get someone in to do the ironing.Take turns with dh to make the sandwiches, get a clothes dryer and finish off all almost dried clothes in that to soften them then put the away folded. Only iron shirts and trousers. Does it get any better, I don't think so, I think you finally accept that your life is no longer your own and as they grow up your life changes along with it. I have 3dc and am a sahm but the druggery of doing it all drives me nuts at times. Would it be possible to have him in the creche for one morning a week when you are not working and you could do your h/w, shopping + or ironing in peace and have 1/2 an hour to yourself with no responsibilities. Good luck.

Don't be put off by some of these posts saying it gets harder. It is hard when they are older, but hard in a different sort of way and not in that horrible horrible 'I'm so tired I could sleep doing the washing-up' way.

Concentrate on lowering standards, but it takes time and practice (if you wear glasses or lenses take them out when you get home - it's surprising how much muddle you can tolerate when you can't see it clearly .

It must get easier or people wouldn't go on to have other children - it's the sleep deprivation that is so hard.

This country is so unfair! Medical experts say it takes up to two years for your body to get back to normal after having a baby-and women in the UK are expected to be back at work 3 months after giving birth!!Other countries eg Sweden parents take a year full paid leave.

Coping with a baby and the house is exhausting-and thats the same for SAHM.

Please dont expect to do it all!!

You lot are so funny. Im in Groundhog day too, but reading this thread has really cheered me up. Ive got to say one thing, EnidLoydFoxe: FRYING ONIONS !!??! Thats genius. Makes the house smell like a "home". Taking off your contacts so you cant see the mess is another good one, crayon. I do the "look busy so my DH knows Im worth keeping" thing. But its wearing a bit thin now because hes been suprising me by turning up at lunchtime to eat here, and Im ALWAYS on mumsnet.
I didnT know that anxiety could be a sign of PND, because I think Im becoming too anxious about housework for my own good too. I think partly its because society views SAHMs as not really doing anything constructive, so I keep pushing myself to prove to myself that my job is worth it and important. WHen really, its true that looking after kids is THE most important and difficult job, and requires a lot of intelligence, patience and organisation. ITs just not given the prestige it deserves. So we run ourselves into the ground because we feel guilty that ON TOP OF the childcare, we`re not keeping up standards in the house or the workplace.
I think going for a walk is my best tip. It puts the baby to sleep, you get excercise, you both get fresh air, and time to clear your head. WHen you get home, everything seems more manageable. I also make sure I have an unwind in the bath in the evening.
Nice to see that there are loads of people in the same boat.

You lot are so funny. Im in Groundhog day too, but reading this thread has really cheered me up. Ive got to say one thing, EnidLoydFoxe: FRYING ONIONS !!??! Thats genius. Makes the house smell like a "home". Taking off your contacts so you cant see the mess is another good one, crayon. I do the "look busy so my DH knows Im worth keeping" thing. But its wearing a bit thin now because hes been suprising me by turning up at lunchtime to eat here, and Im ALWAYS on mumsnet.
I didnT know that anxiety could be a sign of PND, because I think Im becoming too anxious about housework for my own good too. I think partly its because society views SAHMs as not really doing anything constructive, so I keep pushing myself to prove to myself that my job is worth it and important. WHen really, its true that looking after kids is THE most important and difficult job, and requires a lot of intelligence, patience and organisation. ITs just not given the prestige it deserves. So we run ourselves into the ground because we feel guilty that ON TOP OF the childcare, we`re not keeping up standards in the house or the workplace.
I think going for a walk is my best tip. It puts the baby to sleep, you get excercise, you both get fresh air, and time to clear your head. WHen you get home, everything seems more manageable. I also make sure I have an unwind in the bath in the evening.
Nice to see that there are loads of people in the same boat.

sorry, don`t know why it posted twice

Hi, so sorry not to have got back sooner. Time is very short as usual!!! Visited the doc on the Tuesday and she asked me to return on thursday (yesterday) for longer appt. She eventually came to the conclusion that I am a classic case of 'over-commitment' and i needed to 'do less'. These people get paid more than I do. She told me to do all the things I KNOW I should do, but CAN't get myself into the mindset to put a value on myself being ok. I tried to explian that i was quite aware of the problem and that i didn't feel I had the ability to change the way my mind works including the guil, anxiety etc. She said for someone who goes mad if they're kept waiting five mins in a queue - my pending tray is too full. The funny thing is, I already knew that before I went. Anyway she reassured me that I wasn't presenting' as a depressed person, so to just shave my standards.

Comments please????

well, it's good news that you're not classicly depressed

the thing is, it's all very well (the doctor) TELLING you to switch off and do less and not feel guilty etc. etc. but you've established that you feel unable to do this.

Do you feel any better having spoken to her?

Feel the same really, just think let's just get on with it. I'll try and chill out a bit, if it doesn't happen, I'll either just keep on like this and be fine, or crack eventually and then they'll do something to help won't they! Ha. I certainly don't feel depressed, just constantly wound up like a rubber band

Look you have to MAKE yourself relax

even if it feels contrived at first

have two more kids, then you won't care about the state of the house anymore, you'll be so relieved to have got to the end of the day without killing someone

can you afford private counselling?

how's ds's sleeping going?

lack of sleep is a big enemy - it can make you feel so irrational and stressy on its own - I also think it is so so so hard (REALLY don't underestimate this) to switch off when you have a 'difficult' (healthwise) baby.

I wonder if you can speed up the paed appointment and get him seen sooner.

but would agree with enid re counselling

you don't want to go down the road where you eventually crack

Has anyone mentioned CBT? (Cognitive behaviour therapy) supposed to be very good at teaching perople how to react differently to situations and calm things down. Your GP could refer you. Worth a go.

Sleeping still up the spout...developed streaming cold now and splutters when lying down, slept in pushchair last night and only woke up about eight times! Ha ha that's a good night. Realise a lot of this I'm feeling is prob just fuelled by being absolutely shattered. Will wait till he settles down a bit and then see how things are.