Groundhog Day exhausting me...Is this the parenting norm?

[TearingMyHairOut]

My ds1 is now 7 months and has been fairly hard work as a baby with reflux problems etc. I returned to work just over a month ago, three days a week and he goes to nursery. At the moment it feels like every day is getting me down. He's still not sleeping through consistently, and most mornings start at 6ish. It's go go go all day long, he goes to bed at seven, I finish off stuff round the house and collapse into bed at about nine.

Is this what life is all about now? I'm a teacher, a mother, a housewife. None of these jobs gets done wonderfully, they all get done 'just satisfactorily. If this is the norm, how do people keep going? It never stops, I wake up in the night thinking of what still needs to be done. I constantly feel like I'm running on a hamster wheel, but not actually achieving anything at all.

We are currently leanving dairy out of his diet to see if it makes any difference, as he's developped eczema since starting dairy as well. Have another appt early March

I'm in Groundhog Day too.

Both kids woke me up last night, 1 nightmare and one wet the bed. I'm very tired, 3 days paid work a week, have cleaner but still in a mess, kids and dh a bit neglected and job also at an all time low. But 7 years on I don't worry as much about that stuff, only trying to find joy in the good things that happen, and work VERY hard listing all the things I HAVE done every day.

I watched the Groundhog Day dvd with my dd1 again on Saturday-I think that the point was, it took many many tries, and he didn't have any choice, but the main character learnt the meaning of life, which was that really enjoying and caring about others is what matters, and in the end if you do that, you will be happier too.

I don't think it's going to end, but I am getting used to it. Stand still a minute every day and really look at your shadow! or the moon or even your kid's mud pie on the kitchen floor. This is life and it's not all bad. I think.

TMHO - I spent the past year in groundhog day and also couldn't relax. I pushed myself harder and harder to get things done because I thought once I had cracked being super effecient and organised I would be able to relax.

What really happened was I became very anxious and am now on ads and getting counselling. In my first session with my counsellor I said I was stuck in a groundhog day. The counselling has really helped though. This week I have hardly done any housework and don't feel at all guilty.

I think you need to tell the gp how much normal day to day life is affected by your stress. Make a list and take it with you.

If it is any reassurance I went to my doctor about 6 months ago with 'stress' but basically brought on by all the things you describe (not the reflux though). She reassure me that I was normal, expecting too much of myself and that if I opened up to people around me I would find that many others feel the same why. She gave me so practical suggestions - more exercise, time to myself, ask for help etc. and she reassured me that I wasn't clincally depressed or in need of medication (except vitamin B6 for PMT).

From my part just talking about to a stranger (almost) helped; it made more sense to say it all out loud...although perhaps not to the doctor! Hope ths helps.

"I'm a teacher, a mother, a housewife. None of these jobs gets done wonderfully, they all get done 'just satisfactorily. If this is the norm, how do people keep going?"

Hi TMHO - just wanted to send lots of sympathy. My boys were both bad sleepers and I didn't go back to work until they were 12 months plus. Well done you for getting there sooner. (I used to be a teacher too, but decided that I hadn't enough energy to be a teacher and a mum so found an easier job!!)

Even so, I still think that if you are working, being a mother and a housewife and getting these jobs done 'just satisfactorily' then you are doing brilliantly. Some people seem to do them all magnificently, but then they may have extra family help which you don't know about. (We didn't. It's just dh, me and the boys, and we cope, the best that we can.)

Teachers are often latent perfectionists, which doesn't help. You do have to change your expectations of yourself for a while.
Small achievements are to be celebrated enormously, and what is not essential certainly does not get done. Marks and Spencer do a line of non-iron shirts for men. Invest in some for your dh. They are a godsend - and really don't need ironing.

Early nights are essential too. Treat yourself once or twice a week to a takeaway and an 8pm bedtime.

HTH

I also have had all sorts of counselling, ADs, and self-help books and courses, they help a little but it's not overnight. The turning point for me was a) getting help for ME i.e. making appointments with GP etc. and b) insisting on leaving the house at least one evening a week, on my own. I went to whatever I could find was on locally and the best thing was a Tuesday meditation class, so I could say, I'm off to my class, and really take a break there from my whirring mind. If dh is late I get a babysitter to bridge the gap, it's worth every penny and more. If I come back and the house is a mess, or even kids still up I just totally ignore it and eat, watch tv, go to bed and read or whatever I want to do then. Sometimes he even notices, and clears up a bit! and who cares, it will look exactly the same tomorrow!

It has literally saved my life changing my own attitude, stopping blaming others and taking time off for me, regardless of what others want or need during MY weekly break. Cruel to be kind, if they don't want their head bitten off by majorstress mum!

Not sure that I can add any advice but just wanted to show some support. I'm also a pt teacher although I work fewer hours than you (0.3 - 2 days-ish). I think what makes it hard is trying to fit in the preparation, marking etc. As you say you are doing 3 jobs and I think that this is probably the norm!

Make 2 portions - freeze. Stick to food that your DS can eat too, so you're not making specific stuff for him.
Can you do some cooking, tidying while DS plays? Ds used to sit in his door bouncer while I cooked - have you got anything like that you could use? Or a playpen / travel cot?
Get a takeaway at least once a week!
Don't iron any more than once a month - wear clothes that dry reasonably flat on the radiator!

7 months can be hard because they are still very young & yet may be suffering with teething. They get frustrated because they can't do much. Is he crawling yet? I found it much easier once DS could crawl.

You do seem to be beating yourself up though: If you are taking DS out for a walk then that has a purpose in itself. You are giving him fresh air, spending time together. You shouldn't befeeling guilty that you should be using your time better. That is part of 'your job'. Plenty of fresh air may well help him sleep a bit better too.

There's loads of good advice on this thread but I think the most important piece is that you need to find some way of relaxing or, as you say, nothing is going to get done properly and you are going to go under. Yoga, swimming, walking...

Well done TMHO for making an appointment - that's the first step.
I had planned all sorts of things (you know, well planned, sensible, thought out) to say when I went to see my GP, but ended up bursting into tears as soon as I walked into the surgery, and basically blubbed and waffled for 10/15 minutes, so I wouldn't worry too much about what to say, but make sure you're honest. I was presribed ADs (low dosage) which were really useful, and did about 6 counselling sessions which were fantastic. I think one of the reasons the counselling was so good was because for the first time in ages I was actually talking to a RL person about me, not DH or the DCs.
It won't get better overnight, but it will get better, promise, and hopefully this thread has shown you that you are by no means alone out there.
XXXX

TMHO

Reading through everything you've posted I think it is a good idea to talk to GP.

Your levels of anxiety, inability to relax and the constant pressure you are putting yourself under sound like PND in my opinion.

I felt exactly the same as you for months after ds birth. I became ill and was eventually diagnosed with PND. It was hard to accept that I wasn't coping, but a huge relief to have my feelings acknowledged.

In reading about PND it is clear to me that the term 'depression' can be misleading in this context, especially if you are basically functioning ok and not feeling 'depressed' in the classic sense. There is a school of thought, which I subscribe to, that PND can actually manifest itself as post natal anxiety. And actually, if you look at any general information about depression, anxiety is a recognised symptom.

I have taken AD's which helped enormously and am also doing some group counselling via gp. There is help out there. Please take it. Having a baby is overwhelming and there is nothing wrong in acknowledging that.

a couple of time/effort savers I didn't see:
-online grocery delivery, oh that's already there
-always eat the same thing on days you work i.e. Monday = pizza, Tues = pasta with ready made cheese or tomato sauce (make double, dump extra straight into baking dish with clingfilm) Weds = the same pasta baked in oven this time. Frozen peas or corn. Every week. I'm not kidding this is what we do. Pizza maybe a bit hard for 7 month old refluxer so substitute something very easy he likes, and everyone eats it.
-if dh complains, kill him then one less mouth to feed .
-don't wash clothes unless they are actually visibly dirty, soon ds won't be destroying everything you put on him with any luck.

My cleaner is £7/hr, last one left to have baby and this is her mate straight from Poland, was totally useless at first (new to job) but has come good in 2 months with patience on my part.

My MIL is almost 80 and does 1000x more than me, it's galling.

Agree with mcnoodle, and even if it's not PND, the help available for PND may be suitable anyway. No one would think it was unusual or wrong to have these problems, at all.

Quick question - do you have friends with children/babies?

When dd1 was first born I didn't have many friends with children - I felt quite isolated. When she was 3 months I joined a postnatal group and about 5 of us became good friends and did something every week together with dcs. We also chatted a lot and I realised that everythinng I was feeling someones else was too....there's nothing like a good old moan to make you feel better!

Another tip. Get cleaner on day you don't work, and find one who likes children, so if you've had a really bad night ds can watch cleaner clean and you can have a lie down in knowledge that chores are being done and he's "entertained."

You poor, poor thing. I hope you see a sympethetic doctor and that a chat alone will help bring things to a climax and help you think clearer.

Think getting a cleaner would be an excellent way forward. Also pre-planning 10 minute meals and takeaways during the week.

Best solution IME is to spend the night in a hotel, really spoil yourself, swim, read, vegetate with TV, have early night and uninterupted sleep. In the morning you feel more like your old self and more able to cope with your world.

IT WILL GET BETTER!

Whilst all the time/sanity saving tips on here are fantastic, I found that whilst I was so anxious and stressed I was unable to actually implement any of them. It was almost as if I couldn't see any other way to do things and had no time or motivation to change.

Once I had seen gp and started getting help I started making changes - cleaner, more organised with meals, tougher about routine and time to myself.

Until then I was lost frankly.

Let us know how you get on at docs TMYHO.

How did it go?

Any news?

TearingMyHairOut

I think you do need your dh to do more and stop feeling guilty about it. Perhaps sit down a write a list of what needs to be done.

You do not need to every think everyday perhap just do one room every day.

e.g.

Monday - You Clean and sort out Kitchen
DH sorts and puts on washing

Tuesday - You Ironing and putting away
DH hoover and dust

Wednesday - You Bathrooms
DH sorts and puts on washing

Thursday - You tidy up lounge
DH hoovers and dusts

Friday - You Ironing and Putting away
Dh does anything that realy needs to be done.

Saturday - Family time housework does not need to be done.

Sunday - Family time housework does not need to be done.

Who ever cooks dinner the other person cleans up after dinner.

On the days you are not working tidy up stairs even if you have to put ds in his cot while you are doing it. As people have already said menu plan and shop on line.

I can only say that i found that is dd didn't get enough sleep during the day she would sleep very badly a night waking every hour.

yes this is normal

yes agree it is normal to live in groundhog day

but not normal to push yourself to perfection in all areas

I'm a bit like you tearingmyhairout - also a "busy" person with a DS (now 20 months), I work 3 days a week, have a filthy house and a never-ending list of things to do. I do get in a state about it, but I've learned to chill out a bit from my DP (who is naturally messy) and I think relaxing is the best thing you can do for yourself. I have a bath every night before bed - yes it means a bit less sleep but it really helps me unwind (and so probably sleep better). Also if there is a chance, during DS's sleep, or if have time off work while he's at nursery, half an hour with your feet up with a magazing, or hot chocolate in a cafe (with DS asleep in the buggy), or watching the news or just staring out of the window - that is not wasted time or anything to feel guilty about - it is valuable recharging time and you should feel proud about it and say "I have made sure I had a little rest today, which is good for my health and sanity - well done me". Think about it - in most jobs, people get a break - they need one. So do you. Teaching is a very stressful job with few real breaks, so you probably need this more than anyone.

Try to have a little, totally guilt-free break every day - if means DH taking over, he can cope - I bet he gets lovely tea breaks at work, reads the paper, whatever, and you deserve the same. Not just deserve, you need it, it'sa good for you and I promise it will make the rest of life easier too.

Hi there,

This is my first time of posting on Mumsnet, but I just had to write to say wow - I'm so happy to have just read this board and that there's others out there with that "is THIS all there is?" feeling!

I'm currently living in Israel (though I'm from the UK) as I'm a journalist - with 3 kids age 3, 2 and 6 months, full time work (from home), 4 dogs, 2 cats, a rabbit and guinea pig....and have just spent the day in bed with flu, with a permanent headache for the last week, which I think might be due to the stress of that "How can I get everything done/please everyone/where's that girl I used to be?" question...I mean, I knew it would be hard work to have 3 small children, but I wasn't quite prepared for those bleak moments where you just think - WHY???!

Anyway, just wanted to say hello from this corner of the Middle East -as if being in a war zone wasn't enough!
xxxamelia

My top housework tips are

1. make a list of the 'bottle neck' jobs that need to be done and always work through them in the same order. For me these jobs are:

2. empty bins (you will never be able to do any housework with full bins)

3. clear washing around sink

4. empty dishwasher

5. load of washing - try to make sure that one load put away before you start another one to avoid piles of clothes everywhere.

6. DON'T IRON! Your DH's work clothes are his responsibility, in the same way that getting to and from his workplace is his responsibility and doing lesson planning is part of your job. Ironing is a hobby that you can indulge in at some point in the future if you want. In the meantime, do everything you can to avoid it if you don't enjoy it.

The great thing about having a list like this is that you always know what job to do when you have a few spare minutes.

2. Time yourself. This is something I got from flylady. She recommends doing things in 15 minute bursts, but it even works if you do things in 2 minute bursts. It is amazing how much tidier a room is after a sustained burst of activity.

3. Always try to finish one job before going onto the next. I know this is very, very hard. However, if you want to feel as though you have achieved anything, you have to make sure you do finish as well as start things.

Hope this helps.