Would you be happy with your dcs living with an adult who had a severe eating disorder?

[CherryPicking]

I'm not happy about it personally, mainly because I was lied to by omission by my ex. He didn't inform me his new partner was affected in this way before he gained regular weekly overnight stays. Dcs are coming home talking about how both he and new partner "think they're fat but they're not" how they're "on a diet that's supposed to have ended but it's still going on". (New partner is stick thin). Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick. What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?

That's more constructive. I'll speak to a solicitor when their office opens.

Of course children should be able to stay overnight with someone with an eating disorder. Do you think that, if it was the mother with the disorder, the child should be taken into care? I was brought up with a mother who had depression - not the best childhood, but miles better than going into care. However, the poor woman needs support to be able to manage her disorder so that it doesn't impact on the children. An eating disorder is a mental illness and requires support, not to have the assumption that you are unsafe to be around children. It sounds like you don't like your children staying with your ex, but tough - he's their dad and is entitled to have a new partner and to still see his kids. I'm sure if you developed a mh issue, you wouldn't expect your kids to be taken away

I'm sorry itsmine, you're not making any sense. Would you prefer mystical chanting to facts? What's wrong with evidence?

Harsh but true - if it was me with the eating disorder I would quite likely have been assigned a social worker during preganancy, if not beforehand. It's like any other addiction or severe mental illness.

And it's not an assumption, it's a reasonable precaution to want facts, and to give a shit about who's looking after my kids when I'm not there. This isn't OstrichNet.

OP maybe this thread would be better placed in Relationships?

You sounds very angry and upset (understandably so) and it might be helpful to post in a forum that is less fighty?

Thanks. I'm not angry, but I'm not putting up with daft comments or psuedo trolling either. It's a bit late to move it now.

It would completely depend on circumstances and how it was managed.
As an older child/adolescent I lived with an adult with a severe eating disorder. She was very secretive about her behaviour but I and my sister were well aware of her illness and behaviours. I can't say that it had any negative impact on us at all. We were both very aware that this was unhealthy behaviour and it would never have crossed our minds to copy the behaviours.
The problem here is not the eating disorder in itself but how it is handled and how it is explained to the children.

if your ex's partner truly has an eating disorder I wouldn't let the kids go to his whilst she is there. If she's away- fine. I'd discuss this with your ex before breaking the court order though, explain your reasoning and then get social services/GP involved.

I say this as someone who was sectioned for being anorexic, and was then bulimic for years. No-one wants their children to be around that sort of behaviour whether it's covert or not. I make sure that I do everything 'right' in front of my kids…no mention of diets, being fat etc, bad/naughty food…even if I feel like sh*t normal behaviour e.g. if they've made cakes eat cake has to be maintained. If you have any self awareness as a person with an eating disorder then the last thing you want is for your kids, or indeed anyone on the planet, to end up like you (if your ex/partner are openly saying they are fat clearly they do not have this).

I heard you the first time Itsmine, and I strongly disagree. There's no form of evidence of mistreatment that wouldn't sound that way to some people. Doesn't stop those things being real. We live in a world where Fathers For Justice sit on Jeremy Corbyn's roof.

And actually, all I did was state facts, I left it to others to make that connection - which you've clearly done. Your attitude is exactly the reason many people are too afraid to come forward when they suspect things.

Thank you dangermouse for speaking so honestly about your own feelings and experiences. - your name is making me well up as the dcs love that show!

Some people with eating disorders talk about food/diet/eating all the time. It doesn't seem unlikely to be that a child could have heard someone with an ed 'jokingly' say "I've just eaten a whole slice of cake, I'll have to stick two fingers down my throat and make myself sick."

if you are not able to talk to ex I'd suggest social services safeguarding referral.

I say this as I've explained before, someone who has had eating disorders, and as someone who is currently getting support from a MH team for support with depression. Someone else suggested that having a mother with depression was better than being in care….and made eating disorder a sort of equivalent MH problem. I'd suggest that it isn't. I learnt my ED behaviour off someone else and it nearly killed me on several occasions. Anorexia is the deadliest MH problem- 20% of those diagnosed die from either it or suicide. If it is a sibling then there is no escaping kids witnessing that sort of behaviour, but if it's your ex's partner they don't have to be around that sort of s**t. Sorry, other mums netters, but I completely disagree that tolerance should be the way forward...

Please go back to court. My sister had anorexia and nearly died and it really affected me.

bleedingnora think of it as preventative care. The NHS is putting a lot of emphasis on this at the moment in order to save money. If they can help prevent a situation where one of my children ends up hospitalised with an eating disorder in the future, and costing whatever's left of the NHS thousands, I imagine they will.

hello kitty I'm really sorry for you. I hope the court realises how serious this is and doesn't just allow ex to Mandelson his way our of this, as per usual.

Don't tell me my children aren't worth a visit to the GP BleedingNora if we can fund Trident, the NHS can spare me five minutes to help gather evidence needed for the court case and additional parenting you suggest. I'm really not interested in hearing any more of your 'advice'.

I'm really not interested in what you're sceptical about Itsmine. You obviously know nothing about safeguarding.