Would you be happy with your dcs living with an adult who had a severe eating disorder?

[CherryPicking]

I'm not happy about it personally, mainly because I was lied to by omission by my ex. He didn't inform me his new partner was affected in this way before he gained regular weekly overnight stays. Dcs are coming home talking about how both he and new partner "think they're fat but they're not" how they're "on a diet that's supposed to have ended but it's still going on". (New partner is stick thin). Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick. What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?

[ChubbyBubby]

My sister has Bulimia and Borderline Personality Disorder, she used to self harm and purge in a way which was anything but covert.

[WorraLiberty]

That's really odd because from what I know of those with eating disorders they hide their behaviour so where have they seen that?

My thoughts entirely.

[CherryPicking]

Needascarf I don't care. Where my children are concerned I'll defend them til then ends of the earth. This is important and I need real advice, not a bunch of people who've come on here to be sceptical about something they know nothing about. If you don't like it thats fine. You don't have to post here.

[Cocoabutton]

Phone social services. When your DC say or do these things, record it on your phone. Get evidence and go back to court. There is not really another option.

[CherryPicking]

chubbybubby that sounds rough. How do you and your family deal with it. Thank you for sharing as it shows not everyone with an eating disorder is secretive, especially if there are other things going on as well.

[Cocoabutton]

Oh, and I am a single parent in litigation after DS was abused. So, I am not saying this lightly. It is better to have sole charge of DC than have them harmed. Co-parenting has already gone out of the window if you are arguing about clothes, never mind anything else.

[TheGruffaloMother]

DD is 2 and has gone through a particularly disturbing phase of sticking her fingers down her throat. She most certainly has never seen it, she was just exploring her body. She's stopped now. If your youngest is doing it and is a toddler, I definitely wouldn't automatically jump to him having repeatedly seen someone with an eating disorder making them self sick. That's not the kind of behaviour that the majority of people would want an audience for.

[CherryPicking]

Needascarf again, charm is neither here nor there. It's not a charming thread, it's a thread about something deadly serious.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Dunno - small children have a way of insinuating themselves into the bathroom at inopportune moments! Either that, or he may have heard her being sick, and may have asked how one does that.

It's a worrying scenario, but I'd go to your GP first and explain that you're concerned about the fingers-down-the-throat behaviour, and that your DC are being told they're too fat. Then see what the GP suggests; and in the meantime maybe contact your solicitor as well re. the legality of you breaking a court order for safeguarding reasons.

[Cocoabutton]

GP is a good idea too Thumb

[CherryPicking]

Yes, it's possible hasn't witnessed anything. He's little and he does daft things because he can. But put together with what my other dcs are telling me, and the fact that her eating disorder is fact (apparently in the past it doesn't bode well. In itself in different circumstances, it wouldn't bother me.

[ChubbyBubby]

CherryPicking I deal with it now by having very little contact with my sister. Her eating disorder and other behaviours dominated family life while I was growing up and I think it had an impact on my own body image and relationship with food. It was only really when I met my DH and saw how his family interatcted that I realised how messed up my own is. I don't allow my DC to have any contact with my sister because of the way she behaves. I'm sorry to hear what is happening with your DC and that your ex is too selfish to prioritise his children's wellbeing. I think the advice around visiting the GP and contacting SS is spot on. Hope things tart to improve soon.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

There are more than one type of eating disorder that involves puking.

lots of bulimics actually maintain fairly normal weights and they binge then purge and that's a contributing factor towards going undetected.

People who do not binge do not maintain healthy weights and puke to lose weight are a bit different and more often than not they don't go undetected because they are really very obvious and it's not as rare as people think. Often they can even get to a point where they eat a small amount and just lean forward and they vomit often the desire to lose the calories can override the desire to be covert


Toddlers and small children run into the toilet all the time it wouldn't surprise me if a toddler in a house with someone whose ED worked like this was fully aware.

[Vegetablegarden]

It's the youngest putting their fingers down their throat until they were sick that is worrying. They must have seen it? Heard about it?

I'd follow this line with your kid and phone child line or speak to a solicitor, any good professional for a chat, to get your feelings out in the open with someone and have a sounding board that isn't only this one.

People can have all sorts of extreme or odd behaviours but they should know enough to not let that come into parenting. The fact that they are following a faddy diet is not the issue, it's the obvious effect. It's really not normal for a child to do this.

[CherryPicking]

chubbybubby I can completely understand that. I don't blame you.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I think your instinct to protect your kids is the one you should be listening to. We are dealing with an ED in our family (eldest DSD in her twenties). It's such a strong illness that dominates her life and impacts on her behaviour, it's sad to now see youngest DSD picking up on the same behaviours so as not to make her sister feel bad.

When she stayed with us she was so controlling about food it actually meant the whole house had to fall into her unhealthy pattern of behaviour. When I saw this I put my foot down and said I didn't want this to happen again around my children (very young and watches everything like a hawk).

I am sympathetic and supportive but there is a line. You on the other hand don't have this balancing act.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Dunno - small children have a way of insinuating themselves into the bathroom at inopportune moments! Either that, or he may have heard her being sick, and may have asked how one does that.

Yep - Dd could pick the lock on the toilet at 3 (with a Peppa pig hair clip) - or her more favourite trick of locking all the toilets from the outside with aforementioned hair clip. At the time I had new born ds who liked to do enormous exploding nappies. When your hands are "less than clean" you really really don't want to be looking for a hair clip in order to be able to wash your hands.

Ds (just 3) prefers it if all my toilet activities take place while he is on my lap.

[BurningBridges]

Sounds awful - I think SS first and then think about GP, obviously if ex or new partner have EDs that's terrible for them, but they have to protect DCs from it, just as they would if you were all resident in one house together.

BTW, this is a lesson in the pitfalls of posting in AIBU instead of Relationships, albeit one you didn't need or deserve.

[CherryPicking]

That's it, vegetablegarden when the kids are at their dad's I might dabble with 5:2, or go vegan for a few days, or low carb, but it's not something I do when they're around (well, we do eat vegetarian quite a bit but just because it's nice). It's not the same thing as making it a Big Deal and going on about my weight in front of them, or pushing faddy eating onto them. And if I'd ever suffered from an eating disorder I'd be even more determined to promote healthy attitudes, not pass my issues on to them.

It's messed up that someone they hardly know is able to do this to my kids! I do my best to make the whole subject of food as stress free as possible and then ex and his p come along and fuck it all up.

[CherryPicking]

I'm sure a lot of graphic 'acting out' that kids do when they're being abused or mistreated would sound unlikely to people who know nothing about it. People have to speak their truths.