Would you be happy with your dcs living with an adult who had a severe eating disorder?

[CherryPicking]

I'm not happy about it personally, mainly because I was lied to by omission by my ex. He didn't inform me his new partner was affected in this way before he gained regular weekly overnight stays. Dcs are coming home talking about how both he and new partner "think they're fat but they're not" how they're "on a diet that's supposed to have ended but it's still going on". (New partner is stick thin). Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick. What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?

[PurpleDaisies]

I have read the thread cherry. I have also lived with a person with anorexia as a student and worked with people with mental illnesses and eating disorders in a professional capacity.

Having an eating disorder does not automatically mean someone is an unfit parent.

[CherryPicking]

Thanks lovely. Hope things continue to get better for you too

[CherryPicking]

Where has anyone said that purple ? She's not a parent, for starters. She has no parental responsibility but a great deal of influence. It's

[seahorse106]

My ex husbands new girlfriend is emaciated to the point of looking skeletal. I haven't asked but I'm pretty sure she must have a severe eating disorder.
I have 2 girls who are fine at the moment but I'm keeping a very close eye on them and to see if either of them say anything. My eldest is 13 so just the right age to be impressionable about weight etc

[Birdsgottafly]

""And for the pp who suggested seeing the GP so they can document it- have you not noticed that general practice is in crisis right now and can barely Cope with seeing actually sick people?
There are not appointments sat round spare just to document things for legal matters.""

Yes there are. If a child is placed on a CIN or CP plan, the GP will request to see them.

GPs play a big part (if behind the scenes), in the safeguarding process.

Every agency, Schools and GPs/Health are part of the holistic approach to Safeguarding and their Patients. Part of their funding is for this.

OP, start with your GP and HV, get your concerns documented and get another opinion on what may be happening with your children.

It's your job to safeguard them and if this comes to a head later on, you'll be asked why you didn't act.

[TimeforaNNChange]

Im not a trained social worker - im their mum.

Yes, who would seek medical attention for their DC if they were ill or injured, and engage with the school if they said they were worried.
It's DCs whose parents wouldn't do that who are protected by the involvement of other agencies.
Social Workers who visit DCs regularly are checking for little more than if all their limbs are still attached!

You can do that, so it will be deemed 'safe' for them to have regular contact with their Dad unless you can prove that he is a significant risk to them through either his own conduct or his inability to be a 'good enough' parent.

[StraightOuttaKemptown]

Eating disorders aren't contagious. The tone of this thread is stigmatising to people with mental health problems.

You are blaming this woman for something your child did, with no evidence or basis for it other than the fact your child put their fingers down their throat. You don't even know if this woman purges. It's actually unusual for a bulimic to be underweight anyway, they are normally overweight or an average BMI with fluctuations.

I think you're being very judgemental, and should establish facts before deciding you need a GP appointment now in order to prevent this woman from giving your kids anorexia at some future date.

If you'd started the thread by saying your kids had started doing some odd things, and you wanted them investigated, that'd be one thing. But to totally blame it on your ex and his DP, despite having no evidence, seems malicious.

Maybe your DC is acting up because of upset about something else, maybe even your own parenting.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

OP I get where you are coming from. Please don't be put off by some posters who are seeking to minimise this issue. You are quite right to be concerned and should draw on any advice or support as you see fit, whether that be GP/SS/NSPCC or whatever.

This lady is not a parent and if the dad is not carefully managing the interaction and has turned into an enabler then you have to step up I'm afraid.

This will be taken seriously as a safeguarding issue if the children are showing up as mimicking the behaviour.

One thing I've found dealing with DSDs ED is how much misinformation and assumptions surround the disorder. We've literally had to draw on a whole range of resources and support lines to get down to real advice and help.

Get legal advice too as you said you will then you will know where you really stand.

[PurpleDaisies]

Where has anyone said that purple ? She's not a parent, for starters. She has no parental responsibility but a great deal of influence.

In your opening post you ask...
What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?
You're asking about whether your ex is a fit to have contact with your children or not because of his girlfriend's eating disorder. It is entirely relevant whether or not people with eating disorders have their children taken away by social services. You have an even higher hurdle to pass in that the person with the eating disorder isn't even the parent. I would be very surprised if a court limited contact with the ex under the circumstances you've described.

[CherryPicking]

straight unfortunately there are many ED sufferers who did start to purge or binge by copying someone, but you seem to be ignoring those very moving posts. I'd suggest that's more malicious than me giving a shit about people I love.

[TimeforaNNChange]

This lady is not a parent and if the dad is not carefully managing the interaction and has turned into an enabler then you have to step up I'm afraid.

That is exactly the approach a court would take, ime.
The court would endeavour to maintain the DCs contact with their DF if at all possible and would look to the OP to take action if there was evidence that her DCs were being harmed by their DFs parenting weaknesses. The risk assessment would be based on length of time away from the OP and strength of evidence that he is not "Good enough".

An analogy would be DCs who are respite fostered at weekends but allowed to live with their parents during the week when the school can react to any evidence of harm.

[CherryPicking]

Itsmine, you clearly have an agenda of your own here, and i'd put money on the fact that it's not the welfare of my children. She's not a particularly new partner fwiw, not that it makes a shred of difference.

[IonaMumsnet]

Evening folks. Just passing through with a polite request for a little peace and love from everyone. Thanking you!

[CherryPicking]

time isn't taking action based on evidence exactly what I'm talking about doing? What more can I do than present the evidence as I find it? I don't have any other powers

[CherryPicking]

MNHQ my quota of peace and love is currently being exhausted on my gorgeous kids and the lovely posters who've shared their genuine experiences here and not made ridiculous assumptions about my motives. Peace out. Cherry xxx

[CherryPicking]

I don't know itsmine. Have a Google for HE courses in child psychology if you're really interested in solving that particular puzzler. Or alternatively give it a rest.

[CherryPicking]

And new doesn't always mean brand new. I guess that was a word I used to emphasise the distinction between her and me. I'm the old partner, she's the new one. Eg "my mum and dad aren't together any more, but my dad has a new partner" you wouldn't necessarily assume they'd just met, or just moved in together, just that the relationship had begun at some point since the individual was born.

[QuiteLikely5]

I can see why you're concerned but there's not much you can do about it.

I'm sure the lady wouldn't want to harm your children or expose her ED to them.

I'm not sure what sort of eating problem your ex has but in that case perhaps the children have already exposed to disordered eating anyway

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

That is exactly the approach a court would take, ime.
The court would endeavour to maintain the DCs contact with their DF if at all possible and would look to the OP to take action if there was evidence that her DCs were being harmed by their DFs parenting weaknesses. The risk assessment would be based on length of time away from the OP and strength of evidence that he is not "Good enough"

When a court order for contact exists there is very little one parent can do without breaching that order with out going back to court.

Children's services have very little power to get involved in contact disputes and sadly that's what a huge amount of safeguarding issues between seperated parents get considered as. They may instigate an enquiry but they cannot prevent the other parent from having the child unless they agree without going back to court.

The op quite reasonably said, I can't breach a court order, is this worth going back to court for.

It's not an unreasonable question and if the concerns are significant then yes it should be looked at again. Sometimes safe contact can turn into unsafe contact just the same as the other way round.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

You are blaming this woman for something your child did, with no evidence or basis for it other than the fact your child put their fingers down their throat. You don't even know if this woman purges. It's actually unusual for a bulimic to be underweight anyway, they are normally overweight or an average BMI with fluctuations

It is not just bulimics who puke.

[CherryPicking]

seahorse I'm sorry I missed your post before. And sorry for what you're going through. If you'd like to PM maybe we could support each other a bit?