Would you be happy with your dcs living with an adult who had a severe eating disorder?

[CherryPicking]

I'm not happy about it personally, mainly because I was lied to by omission by my ex. He didn't inform me his new partner was affected in this way before he gained regular weekly overnight stays. Dcs are coming home talking about how both he and new partner "think they're fat but they're not" how they're "on a diet that's supposed to have ended but it's still going on". (New partner is stick thin). Youngest has been sticking his fingers down his throat til he's sick. What should I do? I can't break court order by not letting them stay with them. Do I have grounds to go back to court and try to change it? AIBU?

[CherryPicking]

bleedingnora not fabricated, just manufactured to suit the agenda of the present government. That's not opinion, that's fact. The budget for Trident renewal alone would cover the NHS for the foreseeable future. But you don't want to engage with the wider picture, or context in which the NHS is being run into the ground, or who stands to benefit from its demise.

[CherryPicking]

Where have I said I don't want them to have contact ?

And regardless of my personal feelings, I think the Stately Homes thread might open your eyes to whether or not contact with both parents is always a positive thing long term. Plenty of parents described on that thread who really should have just handed the reigns to someone who cared, or was capable of being non abusive.

[TimeforaNNChange]

time isn't taking action based on evidence exactly what I'm talking about doing?

Other than talking about "going back to court" and "not letting them stay with him", I think you are acting in an appropriate way. You have concerns and you are going to contact a professional about them.

I'm not going to get on my high horse about which professional you contact to seek advice - whether that is your GP, SocServ, the NSPCC or even the safeguarding officer at your DC's school or childcare. Plenty of people who need help access the wrong service to start with and end up being referred or signposted on.

What I was responding to was the idea you had that you could make a case for changing a court order and restricting the way your DCs spend time with their dad on the basis of the evidence you have described on this thread.
In my experience, it is not nearly sufficient, and if the judge you faced has a particular agenda, it may even result in you being ordered to facilitate more contact between your DC's and their Dad.

[2016Blyton]

You don't need to worry. The children will be fine.

The biggest risk for chidlren these days is that they are too fat, not too thin unfortunately.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Eating disorders aren't contagious.

Actually they very well can be.

The tone of this thread is stigmatising to people with mental health problems.

I don't find it so at all (and fit in two of the categories included in the thread).

I would also imagine that any 'defensiveness' the OP seems to show is at least partly the product of the shock and horror at seeing an ed seemingly manifesting in her very small children.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

You don't need to worry. The children will be fine. The biggest risk for chidlren these days is that they are too fat, not too thin unfortunately.

This is a very silly comment. Spoekn by someone who apparently has never watched their child/friend/relative dying of an ED. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

[TimeforaNNChange]

strange I felt that this comment from the OP indicated that she was making some assumptions about the impact of mental illness or addiction has on an unaffected parent's ability to parent. It certainly was not limited to those living with ED:

" Pretty sure people living with drug addicts and people living with those who have schizophrenia or other severe forms of mental illness do have children prevented from living with them "

[EreniTheFrog]

I am horrified by this thread, and in particular by the hyperbolic and oversensationalised wording of the title. It's immensely discriminatory and hating on people with mental health issues.

[CherryPicking]

No. It's not. Ereni It's perfectly OK to worry about ones children living with someone they don't know well who has a severe mental health condition. If it wasn't OK then it would be illegal for Social Services to monitor and intervene in such cases. We've already heard from posters who know what they're talking about because they've suffered anorexia or bulimia themselves, or grown up with someone else who was suffering. This isn't the place to play "who can be the most offended." There are children's lives and futures at stake, and quite clearly, stigmatising people was not the intention.

[CherryPicking]

Time assumptions aren't really the point here. Professionals have to assess the whole situation based on the evidence given. If that starts with some basic assumptions from a layperson about how all consuming eating disorders can be, and how that might not necessarily be the best environment for impressionable children, (backed up by those here whove been through it) then that's OK. Because the facts can then be established by those who know how to do so. I have nothing but sympathy for anyone affected by this or any other MH condition, but expecting me to just put my blinkers back on and not think about how my children may be impacted, out of some misplaced sensitivity for the feelings of a grown woman who's already had her shot at childhood, is both unrealistic and irresponsible.

[CherryPicking]

I disagree Itsme. I think stating behaviours displayed is going to be the very least I'm expected to do. Up to the professionals to draw inferences if needed. Withholding information because someone on the internet doesn't like the sound of it, isn't really part of my action plan, I'm afraid.

[pleasemothermay1]

It's almost always hugely damaging for children to live with anyone who has mental health issues

[wooflesgoestotown]

I grew up with a parent with a chronic eating disorder and i and my sibling have both been very badly affected by it.
How different the affect is where it's a step-parent and the ED is acknowledged I don't know. I'd be very concerned though.

[Noonesfool]

OP, I have been thinking about your situation. I don't know exactly what I did to offend you yesterday, but that doesn't really matter. I hope it's ok to tell you my thoughts?

For context, my job is in child protection and safeguarding.

The biggest factor that will safeguard your children long term is having much clearer lines of communication between you and their father. Is there any way for this to be achieved, through mediation? If the relationship was abusive, my apologies, that obviously would not be appropriate.
An initial step might be to have a conversation with their dad, saying that you want to organise a safe, calm way to talk through some things you are worried about. Then perhaps follow that up with an email confirming the conversation. It's always helpful to have a "paper trail". If that was refused, I think your next step would be to go back to your soliciter, to discuss the next steps in making this communication happen.

If your children's dad does have a current, serious MH condition, then communication between the two families responsible for young children is essential.

[CherryPicking]

"What do you want from this thread?" was a daft question. What does anyone want? To be heard. To express themselves. To receive advice they deem helpful. I don't really feel I have to justify posting and continuing to post about something which is massively important. If you rtft, you'll find I've already pre-empted most of your questions. And yes he's an abusive bully, if that wasn't already apparent.

[Noonesfool]

Ok. It wasn't apparent, actually. You just, at that stage, kept telling people that what they said wasn't what you needed/wanted. I wasn't asking to to justify anything.

But point taken. Hope you find a solution.

[CherryPicking]

woofles sorry for you. I'm just waiting for my solicitor's office to open so I can get some advice. For me, the main sticking point is that such an important point was deliberately witheld last time we were in court,and that I only found out by accident. The court did feel her other health conditions were worthy of mention because they needed to ensure their home environment was appropriate (that the dcs wouldn't need to tiptoe around at all times to avoid disturbing her). So this should also be considered.

[Purplebluebird]

No, I would not be happy about that. It doesn't matter how nice a person is, if they openly "show" their ED around children, it is not acceptable. I say that as a previous anorexic person. My best friend also had anorexia (at a later time than me), and one of her main motivations for getting better was so that she could have children, because she knew it's unacceptable to live like that around them.

[StraightOuttaKemptown]

If her physical health problems didn't make her an unfit carer, neither should her mental health problems. The double standard is fucking revolting.

[StraightOuttaKemptown]

As for saying all people with severe mh problems are banned from living with children.. jesus christ. It's like we're back in the days of locking all the crazies up and throwing away the key.

[CherryPicking]

No-one has said that straight rtft. I'm a survivor of serious mental illness myself and I've worked hard to overcome and shield my children from it. Not having all my efforts undermined by a stick thin woman who thinks it's OK to push her extreme body insecurities on to my kids by calling herself fat and talking about diets non stop with my ex. I don't care what her reasons are, there's no justification for it.

[TimeforaNNChange]

I'm just waiting for my solicitor's office to open so I can get some advice.

Have you spoken to social services/your GP? I ask because, when I was worried about the safety of my DD, I didn't give a flying fuck what the legal position was, My priority was to seek a professional opinion about her welfare.

When a social worker told me that he couldn't advise me to break any court orders but that my concerns were not unfounded, I then told my solicitor that I intended to ignore any court direction received that contradicted that. I did not expect my solicitor to decide whether or not I should - she was there to advise me on the consequences of the decision.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I thought that too Straight. There's an awful lot of ignorance being exhibited on here, for a supposedly intelligent forum...