I'm going to try to be a more positive and less shouty parent. Anyone else?

[Misty9]

I have a problem with controlling my anger. There. I've said it. I blow up too easily and shout too much. I stop short of physical violence. But only just :( I never knew how angry I could feel in response to my children's behaviour.

I am committing to change. Heck, I help other people do this for a living! So I do know better. But practising what I preach is not easy. So I need to try harder.

I'm starting with laura Markham's book and might enrol on her online course. And I need to spend less time on here.... I also need to find better coping strategies when I am stressed other than crying and eating chocolate

Anyone else struggle with anger? What do you do to address it?

What an honest and supportive thread.

I lost the plot with my 2y3m son today because he wouldn't rinse the bubbles from washing his hands. Completely disproportionate rage.

But I find it builds....brush teeth - sing songs, let him brush mine, talk about the dentist, make it a game, make funny faces, great we are done. Now to comb your hair, give him the brush as I comb, let him walk round the bathroom, etc etc, great we are done. Now to wash your face and clean off the dried snot that is crusted round your nose - more patience, more calm talking, more distraction, more letting him splash in the sink or wash Mr fish as I wash him, great we are done. Finally finally finally just wash your hands - he wants to do it himself - fine but after five minutes of him fumbling around with bubbly hands I start the "rinse your hands now" repeat to which he replies no, no, no, no.

By then I honestly feel the adrenalin seeping through my blood. Breathe I tell myself. I last another 2 mins of persuading, demanding, distracting then just shout loud, grab his hands and rinse them then drag him through to get dressed yelling all the way. Because it's every day and it's just such a battle as saggingtits says.

Then calm down, cuddle, wipe his tears, feel like an absolute bastard of a monster who doesn't deserve her beautiful, clever wee boy and face the guilt as he asks "Mummy, are you happy?"

I hate shouting, I hate losing my temper but it happens sometimes. Every day is a fresh start, every day we need to try again.

rory I really am not doing any better, trust me. I have some epic parenting fails. Two weeks ago I lost it so bad that I picked up DD's duvet and started whipping her parking garage with it. Then I went to the bathroom to calm down, a bit late.

Many times I've picked her up and been very rough very her. :-(

It is pretty much always to do with how tired I am, and how tired she is, too. And as Icecapped says above, you basically get worn down with the constant demands and NoNoNoNo....

I am getting a little bit better. Went on a CBT workshop that was helpful. Trying hard not to sweat the small stuff.

Wen I manage to remember my own advice and what I've read (I do rate Janet Lansbury highly), I do ok. But some days the energy isn't there.

Trying to remember to just be a good enough parent. Sometimes I think we set the bar too high for ourselves.

tatty I have found the tiny bit of CBT I've done quite helpful - hope it helps you, too.

Too late to join? I have 4 ds age 8, 7, 5 and 3. The oldest one is driving me insane. I have been very shouty but really trying not to be. He has a hearing problem but taking that aside he is unable to sit calmly unless playing iPad etc (which I heavily restrict anyhow). He dropped a hard object from the top of the stairs onto his 5 yr old brothers face on purpose and was so uncaring and when I sent him to his room just said "no" so I had to frogmarch him there. Can't sit quietly in story time for the little ones (he insists on being there). I genuinely worry about how I will deal with him when he is older. Have not shouted at all today but it is so difficult.

Stealth that sounds really tough. Does he have problems sitting still at school? Could he need counselling to deal with his hearing problem?

Ooh can I join in? I just wrote a long post about my 2 & 5 yr old, but the short version is: we're struggling.

I recently read this and I didn't completely love the whole thing but it was high on techniques and low on guilt induction. We have some helpful reminders pinned up 'Your child is doing the best he can...etc' that we lifted from the book.

Like the Janet Lansbury stuff I just read and might listen to her podcast on defiant children as I drift off.

I have a full day with them tomorrow, we are going for a woodland walk - leaving early and back late - so I probably won't be abke to post/ read. Also I look after my friend's 6&4 yr olds on Thursdays and she doesn't pick them up til 8, so I'll likely be nursing a vodka too shattered to post Thursday. Wish me luck not shouting!

Wow, so you will have 4 kids on Thursday?? Good luck indeed! :-D and enjoy your walk, that sounds an amazing thing to do.

Glow frog he can hear ok - it's at school that it would impact him most because of background noise but he is very well behaved there, plus doing well academically. He's just not very good socially and acts very immaturely. He is having an op on May 9th which fingers crossed will get his hearing back to normal. He's not malicious really or nasty, just goofing around and getting it wrong, over excited and too rough in his play. To be honest the boys were so close together I think he hasn't enough 1:1 time with me - it's just so hard with the 4 of them. I try hard to be positive. They say you need 10 positives to every 1 negative thing you say to balance it out in their heads!

glowfrog that's definitely where I fall down. After the fifteenth "please eat your breakfast/go to the toilet/put on your shoes" my patience just goes and the shouting begins. My worry is now he's shouting back and I'm pretty sure it's because I've made him like that-shouty parent = shouty kid!

I'll definitely check out Janet Lansbury, thanks for the tip.

Tiredness has such an impact on mood, but like you say, not putting too much pressure on ourselves is a big help. Looking around at other parents who seem to be doing such a great job doesn't make things better but I suppose we need to remember that they are probably struggling just like we are. Threads like this are helping me realise I'm not the only one struggling so thanks!

I think all parents struggle. Met up with some mums I met when DS was tiny so we all have 2 year olds and one confessed to having lost it with her DS over him hitting her. Soon everyone was joining in with their own parenting fails. It really is the hardest job, you are dealing with a tiny person with their own wants and dislikes and there is no reasoning with them when they're little. I'm just taking one day at a time and trying my best.

Bleurgh. Crappy bedtime. Am v tired and pissed off the one year-old didn't go to bed when she looked ready for it, leaving me to juggle her constant grabbing of everything and whinging, with the super hyper and tired 4 year-old in and out of the bath. I was cranky and short-tempered and really impatient. I hate when I'm impatient and show it, I end up making a really annoyed face at her.

Ah well. If DD2 bloody cooperates and goes to bed now, I may yet salvage this evening. *

*do online grocery shop, bring laundry in from garden, do washing-up, speak to DH. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Bad luck Glowfrog, I hope you do salvage the evening. It's amazing how tiny people can make getting to the end if the day with your house tidy a massive achievement!

We did our woodland walk, it was lovely, and I was trying to do the Janet Lansbury, nothing-you-can-do-can-bother-me. We had some hairy moments with tired children on the packed train home, but I found it really successful - the situations deescalated quickly. Also thinking about as an actual parenting strategy (as opposed to some sort of moral injunction - I tend to feel I just SHOUKD be nice and calm and if I don't, I'm an awful failure) makes it waaaay more easy to achieve. My friend commented on how much I was keeping it together during one unedifying episode where both my children decided to climb up the hand poles on the train. And when we got back into town he asked mewhere I got my calm!
I told him it was a deliberate strategy but said it did actually result in you feeling more calm.

DP listened o a couple of podcasts with me and was really trying to do it the nonchalant non-esculating thing himself. There were fewer arguments between him and DS at bedtime (though that's a bit of a low bar).

Anyway so far so good, I think her basic thinking really works for us, I expect applying it consistently will be the challenge

Yeah, I've also found in the past that when I'm relaxed, bedtime is much easier! Just tonight I was knackered and frustration with DD2 added insult to injury...

Ugh, what a rotten day. I did Many Shouts :( My 5yr old has finally rattled to a stop, at quarter past ten. Will be starting all over tomorrow again

Outs you had a really full house today, no? That'd be hard to cope with for anyone.

Tomorrow is another day.

thanks, Glowfrog yes I did. They weren't terrible, but I seemed to spend the whole day yelling instructions. I hardly said anything nice/ nicely at all. They all survived and are unlikely to have sustained any lasting damage... Was bloody pleased to see the other mum though!

Hi all,
That deescalating stuff sounds very good so will check that out when we're back (wifi crap here). Well holiday has resulted in lots of shouting so far... :( mostly at ds when he's being too noisy (small mobile home) or generally irritating. We drove into a nearby city today and the signage was crap so we got lost. Multiple times. Cue lots of shouting at the dc to stfu (only just avoiding actually saying that) so I could concentrate on not getting us all killed in a car crash as I was so stressed I kept nearly forgetting to drive on the right!

I keep getting in a right grump with dh and being snappy too. Not sure that a relaxing holiday with young children actually exists?!

Misty9 I have not had a relaxing holiday since DD1 was born... :-(

Not sure a relaxing holiday with kids actually exists

Amen to that. DP sometimes suggests we hire a remote holiday home or go camping to 'relax'. To my mind that's just doing everything you have to do on a normal day but without any of the facilities you have got at home, in the company of children who are out of their normal routine and not really sleeping problem. There's a lot if ways to describe that, but 'relaxing' isn't one if them.

Oh what a fabulous thread! I've been feeling so guilty. I have a 7 year old with asd and while shouting isn't good for the NT kids it really really affects him to the point where I feel I'm a child abuser.
I've been trying to do it by myself which has been hard so a thread like this is a godsend. I'll have to get a cuppa and a spare hour to read all the posts.
I've been using the orange rhino app on my phone to keep track and when I hit a target we all go out for a treat. On the one hand I think it's good for the kids to see that even grown ups can have to work hard at changing a behaviour and it sets a good example that way. But I slipped up the other day and they were so crestfallen at me resetting the days count to zero that I felt guilty for them.

Welcome, Amy, and to me it sounds brilliant that you are doing this with your kids! I may get that app now and do the same. I think equally it's good to them to see how hard it is and that you are working at it - the importance of trying. You are owning up to it, I think it's fantastic.

I refused to go abroad this year, not only because we can't really afford it with three DC but as I have said many times to DH (who doesn't seem to notice how stressful it is from his sun lounger ) taking the children away to a hot place, pool, balcony etc and having to listen to meltdowns on the plane wtc is not my idea of a relaxing holiday.
You are just taking my stress to somewhere with better weather

In all seriousness I have been trying hard over the past few weeks, have had some shouty moments. Last night my two year old woke me up by screaming for me at 3.30am as he wanted me to put his blanket back over him

SweetieXPie, one of my triggers is being treated as a servant. Seriously do they not get the irony when I read them Cinderella? DS this morning couldn't eat his breakfast because he had no spoon. He has legs. He knows where the spoons are kept. I wasn't the one who was hungry. Grrrrr

Heat, balcony and pool are awful combination with young kids. I've insisted the last few years on ferry to France and rent a gite with enclosed garden, washing machine as minimum. Not a glamorous holiday but has been reasonably holiday-ish, and many have pools that are fenced off (as per regulations) so very safe. Keycamp can be nice too though expensive but loads for kids to do, and generally have a good splash pool (ankle deep ) and playground as well as organised activities. Took a lot of stomping and huffing to get DH to understand that a holiday had to be organised around the kiddies needs not his, but once he got it the holidays improved cos I wasn't so stressed.

Hi all, we're back
Actually had a great holiday in the end and ds was a LOT more adaptable compared to our holiday last September. Dd is pretty happy go lucky, but ds can be much more sensitive and unsettled by changes to his routine. But they both cried when we had to leave this morning, bless them.

I was having a think about the flash points for me re shouting, and it's definitely when the dc are being too silly/noisy in the morning or in the car, and when ds is having a frustration tantrum (the irony...). Hmm. That app sounds very interesting...will have a look. Today has been particularly trying with an early start to fly home and two tired children. I caught myself this morning though when I imagined ds asking dh why mummy doesn't like him. He didn't ask this (to my knowledge) but I was being so nit picky, I could imagine it :(

I will do better...