What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

Nolim I get that people are talking about the social element

What now?

Jassy I understood people were referring to the social interaction at work, when nolim said "people have mentioned benefits that aren't just monetary"

Seriously? You think the reasons people want to work are confined to making money and socialising?

I'm not sure there's any common ground to be gained, tbh, if that's your view.

's a genuine question - why pay someone else to spend time with your child, to read to them, to play with them instead of doing it yourself? It seems strange to me to pay someone else to do it. It's like you're working to pay them to take care of your child. Why not cut out the middleman and do it yourse"

That's ridiculous, I still do all these things and have done even when I was working 4 days a week. We are very family focused, we put our dc first, listen to them talk to them, respect and love them.

lashes I think if as an individual you prefer not to work that find; that probably suits you're personality and intellect. I would be bored stiff if I couldn't think about professional things (I am genuinely interested in my field and studied for it because I suits me and I have a passion for it) and just had to do the housewive thing. But that's me, that's how I work I would never say to a mother who chooses not to work that she is selfish because maybe her choice works best for her and her family and suits her personality and ability. I also want to have my own NI contributions etc because that way I feel a competent member of society. That's what works for me because I was raised with a work ethic by a mother (and father) who worked 9-5 5 days a week for when I was 5. It's a way of life that suits me and my family. I understand that working doesn't suit your way of life. I very much doubt however that your dc are better off the mine in terms of their upbringing.

Drying, I agree to some extent. I don't think the kids of WOHP are massively different. I just think they do miss out on certain things, but nothing that will make a massive difference. I just think it gives a nicer childhood experience if the kids are looked after by their parents.

Ok then lash.

I really shouldn't engage any further cause you mind is set and thats that.

"I just think it gives a nicer childhood experience if the kids are looked after by their parents."

you mean looked after their mother, or is your dh not working either?

Drying I've already stated several times that either parent is fine.

Lashes - trying to say this in the nicest possible way but you really don't have any clue. You don't have a career or a child yet but you are idealising a Pollyanna childhood for an unborn child and coming out with trite like money isn't important. You have no idea what life will throw at you and your family. Keeping an open mind is so important when making life choices. You'll learn that there are lots of right ways to do things and balancing the needs and wants of all the family is a constantly moving feast.

So if your midwife is unusually and conveniently male then he is not selfish, even if he had kids?

Because if the follow up statement you make about dads being equal is true, the mw gender wouldn't matter would it? Oh, but it does.

You're confused because your points are badly joined and woolly, being purely knee jerk and based on mh issues you had as a child which simply don't apply to every family.

You confuse social life with socially enriching. Nurses and teachers work for society - that's what people mean.

What? I missed the bit about Lash not even being a parent. Well, everyone is entitled to their opinions ignorance.

Either parent is fine.
But her male midwife means he wouldn't object to her ideas about women either gender working those long hours. So either parent is fine, but a man wouldn't find her comments hurtful even though they're not actually about women/mums not dads.

FFS.

I hate to break it to Lashes, but her make midwife may not be the one delivering the baby...

Male. FFS.

Nul ah the old "young person is young so let's use that" thing. That doesn't mean I haven't come to an informed decision based on my own experiences and my own research.

Not sure the relevance of the comment about keeping an open mind. I've already said that if someone HAS to work that's different. Getting annoyed as people seem to be looking for reasons to be offended!

"yeah, one of us could go part time, that would be fine. We could still afford everything we do now. But I like my job, so not going to do that" - used as an example of a selfish parent.

Well colour me selfish, I'll definitely hold my hand up to that. Neither DH or I have to work if the other does.

Using statements like (implied, not quoted) 'I don't understand why you would have children and choose to work long hours when you could reduce your hours and spend time with your kids. It's selfish' make me laugh. Why do you need to understand it?! If you can't understand such a simple concept that some people love their careers then there's really no talking to you.

And the difference is that being seen as selfish really doesn't worry me, like it does you. And I ask the question - what is wrong with being a selfish parent? Why does it have to be selfless parent = God / selfish parent = money hungry absent parent?

Squizita

Please point me to where I've said women can't work/shouldn't work. As that seems to be the basis of your argument

Drying, I'm currently pregnant hence the "she's not a parent" comment

Stroke, if you're fine with being "selfish" then okay. To answer your question because I think you should put your kids needs above your own. I understand some people love their careers, I didn't think people loved them as much as their children.

One full and one part time parent in terms of work is a good idea.

Stay at home is fine if they want to and you can afford it. We can't.

But Lashes all your experience is purely hypothetical. Like people who don't have kids coming out with nonsense like "well my kid won't watch TV, have tantrums, be cheeky etc etc. If you have never had a child it is easy to say "well I'll never do x". You simply don't know and you are kidding yourself if you can control what happens with your life.

Anecdotally, my kids are both very happy, balanced and all round amazing . Does that mean that I think everyone should work full time as this is the only way to have happy children. Of course not.

Organise your life the way you see fit. Don't be so arrogant as to assume that it is the only or best way to do it.

Nul I've never said everyone should do it. This thread asked for the ideal, I gave what my opinion on the ideal. I'd never say that everyone SHOULD do what I think is the ideal.

My husband and I are both one of 4, as in, we have 3 siblings each. Both of my parents always worked, his mum didn't.
I feel that overall my siblings and I have done just as well as his, or better. We all went to uni, got decent jobs and are in stable relationships. We are also pretty independent and resourceful, and generally happy. His siblings struggle a little more. This may have nothing at all to do with how much our parents worked, but I do feel that having both parents working did me no harm. My childhood was fab, and I think that having lots of siblings was far more beneficial for me than whether or not my parents worked.

So I'm happy to work in order to afford a bigger family.

It's not the age in numbers. It's the "I've done my homework and I'm really very clever" naive attitude.
Being very certain, when inexperienced, is rarely a good sign in any situation and at any age.

Often the more experienced one is, the more awareness of nuance and self reflection there is.

Oh and women are allowed to work if they "have" to work? Poisonous, sexist shit. If you ever need a highly skilled person to help you it's unlikely they "have" to work to make ends meet. But they should work, because a great doctor with kids will save more lives than a mediocre one without, a great barrister or detective with kids will fix more crimes than bad ones without. And believe it or not women/mums are important in this - to use the crime example what kind of officer and lawyer does best at supporting child victims? Who pushes for sex crime victims to be believed? It's actually important to society that these women - often rich enough not to have to work (though that is another issue to do with gender and class) - go to work. To put it bluntly if they don't, children and other vulnerable people suffer.

And as caring careers are massively female, this also trickles down to more stereotypical female jobs on a huge way. Should a pediatric nurse only work if she "has" to or she's selfish? Or he?

I'm a lone parent, but I work part time.

For us, it's a fantastic balance. I recently transferred at work to night shift, which means I get considerably more money. I work three nine hour shifts a week and I usually do one overtime shift to give me a little extra for luxuries. It usually works out at 36 hours with my OT thrown in, so I'm kind of on the full time/part time cusp. But I only ever do a maximum of 4 nights, so it feels like it's part time. Generally speaking I get from early Friday morning to late Monday evening off.

DD (8yo) doesn't miss me at all because she's sound asleep. My parents have her the nights that I work and my mum drops her off at breakfast club early in the mornings. This means I get home nice and sharp, have a sleep and then go collect DD from school during term time. Breakfast club doesn't cost very much at all and I don't need to pay to hold her place over the holidays, so my childcare outgoings are very small. I don't miss anything at school for DD - I'm there for every assembly, play, sports day, awards day, etc. I'm also there to pick her up from school every day and that has always been important to me. I've worked crappy jobs and hours whilst she's been growing up to ensure I can be at home for her as much as possible and not rely on childcare. Thankfully, I waited for luck to land and pounced when the opportunity arose, and I'm now doing a job that gives me the work and home life balance I have always desperately wanted. I remember feeling a little bounced around when I was growing up because both my parents worked full time, and I would have loved for my mum or dad to be home more. So I'm very grateful that I'm here for DD as much as I can be

I don't love my career as much as my children. My babies are the most important thing in my life, other than my marriage. I do however think that my happiness is as important as my boys' because if I'm unhappy, they'll be unhappy.

I'm not a good stay at home parent, I pay someone to manage my house so I don't have to clean or do laundry. That's why I'm selfish. So I can pay someone to do all the shit I don't want to do so that I can spend the free time I have solely with my boys and my husband.

I love my weekends with them, I love the hours after preschool and daycare. I love bath times and taking them to the beach and building sandcastles, and reading and playing basketball, climbing trees and swimming with them. I love watching their faces when they discover something new, or watching my youngest take his first steps. That's the point. If I was to stay at home doing the mundane shit that I loathe, then I would probably take for granted all those small things that are happening with them because I'd see them all the time, or I'd be impatient or bored or distracted.

And that's why I don't think being selfish is a bad thing. I'm not being a selfish parent just because I want to keep myself in a designer wardrobe and three holidays a year (well, not the only reason anyway...) - it's because by being selfish I'm a better parent for all the reasons I list. I do the discipline, I'm no Disney parent. But watching my children thriving in an environment with other children where teachers are painting and baking and nurturing them far better than I could at home (I can't bake for shit and I hate glitter and crafts) means I know that our choice is the right one for our family.

Like I said, selfish doesn't have to be a negative thing.