What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

Please call ss every time you see a child being harmed.

Watching the DC of the SAHM. Running round the yard crying, away from the teacher. Hanging onto mums skirt. Mum being called into school several times as DC struggled to settle. Both were DC of SAHM. Possibly coincidental I accept.
Interestingly, one of these DC is almost 12 now and still won't go on a sleepover.

These selfish people are often your midwife, GP, child's teacher, nurse, health visitor etc.
The very same people who get moaned at if they're not around enough by mums. The very same jobs many people say 'should' be done by someone who has been through parenthood.

Selfishness is an interesting concept.
If I had the skills to save lives and pay that could get excellent nanny/childminder care - but (after training at the taxpayers expense) could afford not to do so, and decided to flat quit ... would that be selfless for my child, or actually slightly selfish?
I was very glad a selfish woman (who knew pregnancy and motherhood) cured my miscarriage condition and monitored my pregnancy. I was glad another was on full shift on the maternity ward when I gave birth.

I dare say when selfish women take my child and teach her to read (and probably far more for neglected or poor kids) I will also be grateful.

I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about the idea that women's work is purely to pay the rent. When it comes to reasons for working, for many there is a moral imperative - one which would never be questioned for a man.

There are a lot of jobs where we want the woman empathise with and even be (eg midwifery) a mum.

Lashas with respect i can see that you are trying to offer an opinion but it comes across as judgement. You are not saying what i do is x and it is the best for my family not necessarily for every family, you are saying that a considerable number of parents are harming their dc for selfish reasons, but harming them to survive is ok.

Jassy, I don't know how else I can explain it. I've already said I'm not saying all WOHP are selfish.

I also thought it was obvious when talking about "necessary" that it varied on family, region and the like, clearly it wasn't, and I apologise for nor specifying that.

I'm curious about the long term implications of part time work - I know it's not always easy to get, however long term implications is something I haven't thought of, what are you referring to?

Nolim I'm saying that causing a child to be upset when you don't have to is wrong, if you have no other choice for survival, then you have no choice.

And I'm not trying to be judgemental. I've even said I would never say this unless explicitly asked about it, which isn't judgemental. It's not like I go into workplaces and tell parents they should spend more time with their kids

CPtart, what's wrong with not going on a sleepover?

Lol that lashes isn't even a parent yet or had a job

Come back and talk to me when you've some experience to back up your nonsense rather than sentimental stuff from your own childhood.

Would it be fair to say that it is a cost/benefit decision? For you lashes leaving an upset child is a very high price. Not so for other parents. And despite your personal experience i think that it is that: an individual experience, not a systematic observation. Lets agree to disagree.

Connie, I've had a job thanks, I said that earlier. Being a student doesn't mean not having a job...

Nolim, I suppose that's a fair way of looking at it. For me the costs are too high, and so I suppose it seems selfish to me. It doesn't seem that way to others it seems (and they are allowed to think that, I've never said that everyone has to agree with me)

Connie a harsh part of me thinks she should print this out to show her midwife/obgyn at 3am when becoming a parent. Give those selfish women a lecture! Maybe they'll run back to their kids when she's mid push...
Sorry that's mean but I find it so sexist that people assume women only work for a wage when huge numbers are in caring professions so this "selfishness" idea is far, far more complex - including the assumption that part time 9-5 even applies to many jobs.

Squizita

1. My particular midwife is a man

2. I haven't said this is only about women, I have also said if a woman wants to work full time and it's suitable for the dad to do childcare, that's an option

3. I haven't said I don't think women should work

So I'm confused why you've said that

That's interesting CP as my children (I was a sahp when they were preschool age) are very happy to go on sleepovers and are very independent now. Both started school with no problems. It's probably more to do with personality than parenting. We all look for evidence to justify our decisions.

Quite possibly, just my experience.
There's nothing wrong with not going on sleepovers either, but approaching the teenage years I would be glad my DC were gaining independence and be comfortable and secure enough to want to spend a night or two with their peers away from parents.

I've done all manner of variations of fulltime, part time, sahm, worked fulltime when my husband was at home etc. used nursery, childminders, after school clubs....even had a nanny at one point. Also stayed home full time......all across having 4 children.

There was not one iota difference in how my kids were because they have a stable family environment and know they are loved.

At 21 u won't have established a decent career yet. I was 24 when I had my first and have had to establish a career after having kids. I tell you this....part time work does not get you a promotion. It's your choice to do what you want but don't berate other people, other women for bettering themselves.

You have an idealistic view of parenting with the talk of climbing trees and 'laughing' all day. It's also vomiting at 3am, nonsense conversations and tantrums because they asked you to pick up a toy and u did it. It's nits and worms and yet another trip to a&e because they got their arm stuck down a radiator again. It sticking their hand in a shitty nappy and wiping it all over the wall every day for 6 months.

It's relying on another person for your economic stability.

It's depressing seeing friends making strides in their careers whilst you're working part time in a 'mum' job.

Come back and offer your opinion when you have some sort of experience to support your statements.

I never said all sahms were lazy and unemployable either....I said there were 3 types. You trotted out the old why have kids if you cba to look after them shit.

Mine are older now and believe me fully appreciate the benefits 2 full time working parents can bring.

I am amazed lashes that you think starting school at 5 is damaging (and indeed all manner of other ordinary things), yet see nothing wrong with showing Harry Potter to a four year old, or letting a 9yo play Call of Duty.

I do think that once you're a parent you may find your opinion on lots of issues will alter.

Connie, great for you and your kids. I didn't say I had a career, I said I'd had jobs. And that's fine with me - getting promotions isn't a big deal to me. I'm not a career minded individual, I'd rather have less money and more time. That's my choice. I personally don't think it's depressing watching people make strides in their careers, I'd be happy for them. It'd only be depressing if you didn't want to be a SAHP or part time worker.

Of course it's also those things.

Yeah, 3 types, lazy, overprotective or unemployable I think? You also said they were a drain.

It's a genuine question - why pay someone else to spend time with your child, to read to them, to play with them instead of doing it yourself? It seems strange to me to pay someone else to do it. It's like you're working to pay them to take care of your child. Why not cut out the middleman and do it yourself?

Yellow if you want to start the Harry Potter debate up again () there were plenty of parents on that thread who agreed with me, and as for COD, my opinion on that is a bit unusual and I even stated "I know I am in the minority with this". However being in the minority doesn't mean you're wrong.

My personal beliefs on parenting is a relaxed, liberal approach where your child learns through play is best. I don't like rigidity and believe kids respond best when you talk to them and explain things instead of patronise them. I don't believe in harsh authoritarian measures. I don't like schools because I feel they stamp out creativity, encourage conformity and force an individual to comply to something designed for the average, which doesn't suit everyone. Maybe that explains where I'm coming from?

Lashes in the nicest way please be open minded regarding life/work balance. As plenty of posters have said work is more than a way to earn money.

And i have heard anecdotically that ptw decreases the chances of promotion.

There is no such thing as 'all' children or 'all' adults. They are so different. What is most beneficial for one family isn't the most beneficial for another family. Impossible to say.

Nolim I get that people are talking about the social element. I still don't see how working one day less a week would ruin their social lives

Sorry what social element?

I haven't said this is only about women, I have also said if a woman wants to work full time and it's suitable for the dad to do childcare, that's an option

What if they both want to work full time? What makes it 'suitable' for the dad to do childcare?

And why oh why do you persist in a model that assumes full time work = daytime Monday to Friday?

I'm really trying to get through all your opinions ladies! But I would just like to add that when we had a small house and mum stayed at home I was soooo much happier compared to when mum was working all the time and having more luxuries and a bigger house. I still say to this day the worst thing that happened to our family was an increase in mum and dads wage mum and dad really thought that by U.S. Having a larger house and more luxuries that U.S. Kids were happier but really we just wanted to go back to how it was when dad worked, mum was at home x