What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

Nolim, you're going to liken giving a banana to your child possibly feeling hurt and abandoned?

My child doesn't like it when I leave the house sometimes even if his father is at home. Should I never leave the house?

Most people here are not worked up. I am confident with my choices and am sure that I have made the right choice for our family. I don't feel the need to denigrate anyone else for deciding differently. I think what we find exasperating is that you seem to criticising other's choices under the banner that it's "selfish".

Kew, a day in the week where it's just the two of you rather than the whole family. Where you can focus solely on the child rather than your partner and other relatives.

Oh, well there you go then. We work different shifts. DC generally gets her dad all to herself 1-2 days a week, and her mum to herself 1-2 days a week. Yet we both work f/t.

I'm going to set us up as the model family

Jassy, I see your point about that, and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm suggesting everyone sacrifices their personal hopes and happiness for their child. I'm not.

There is subjectivity involved with "well you could give up x!" when it comes to what's necessary, and that's why I said it's up to the family to make the choice. What I don't think is okay is when the family thinks they could do it without causing distress but decide not to.

Nolim, I haven't said it's abuse and I have said repeatedly that sometimes people don't have a choice. I don't know how many more times I can type that.

Jassy, again that's slightly different to a child feeling abandoned. Perhaps I am taking too much of my own experiences here, but I had severe separation anxiety as a child, and used to constantly think my parents would die in a car accident on the way to work. Does every child have that? No. Of course not. However I still remember the unpleasant feeling of it, and feel very sorry for kids who feel like that when their parents leave them 5 days a week for an unnecessary reason.

I certainly don't want my kid, or his impending sibling, to grow up feeling they must subject themselves to a life they are unhappy with because society feels it's more acceptable

Here here.

feel very sorry for kids who feel like that when their parents leave them 5 days a week for an unnecessary reason.

But 4 days a week is ok for them to feel like that?

Frankly, if my child had such severe separation anxiety I'd want to look at a wide range of interventions.

Most people here are not worked up. I am confident with my choices and am sure that I have made the right choice for our family. I don't feel the need to denigrate anyone else for deciding differently. I think what we find exasperating is that you seem to criticising other's choices under the banner that it's "selfish".

This, thanks nulgirl. And then expecting people not to challenge the basis of that criticism for its extreme illogic.

Jassy, 4 days still isn't ideal if they feel like that. But it's better than nothing. At least the parent is trying.

And yeah I agree that helping the child with anxiety is a great idea. Child mental health services have improved vastly since I was younger. And like I said, perhaps I'm very biased due to my own experience. I was a lot happier when I was with family rather than nursery (I got pulled out pretty quickly when my mum saw how unhappy I was).

I don't think it's illogical to say if a family thinks they can survive to a standard they are happy with on less hours but chooses not to, that's a selfish choice.

Perhaps I am taking too much of my own experiences here, but I had severe separation anxiety as a child, and used to constantly think my parents would die in a car accident on the way to work. Does every child have that? No.

This is the only thing that you have written in this thread i can agree with you 100% lashes.

My brother was deeply unhappy at his pre-school setting - my mum did an awful lot of work on why he was unhappy and found a viable long-term solution that was good for his long-term social development as

Taken together, your statements are fundamentally illogical - including the selfishness you condone, and the selfishness you don't; the reasons you think working 5 days is harmful but four days is not, quite apart from the idea that 'survive to a standard they are happy with' takes no account of individuals' emotional fulfilment and well being.

i don't think it's illogical to say if a family thinks they can survive to a standard they are happy with on less hours but chooses not to, that's a selfish choice.

Survive with a standard they are happy with. Typically there is a wide gap between surviving and being happy with. So where do you draw the line?

It's a similar kind of selfishness to assume that your own child will have the same anxieties as you and to then deny them the chance to see whether socialising and spending time in a large group of other children is a good thing for them.

Anecdotally, most children I know hit about 3 and actively want to spend time with other children. They start to enjoy group play and make friends. It could be argued that it is equally selfish to deny them that opportunity based on your own childhood experiences.

Jassy, I haven't said 4 days isn't harmful and 5 days definitely is. I've said that it has the potential to be, and at least 4 days is better than 5.

I don't see how when I've explained it's not a one rule fits all but for families to make the decision. Maybe I'm not wording it very well. I'm thinking more along the lines of people who think "yeah, one of us could go part time, that would be fine. We could still afford everything we do now. But I like my job, so not going to do that" rather than weighing up whether it is actually doable

Thurlow, I won't be denying my child any experiences, unfortunately he will have to go in childcare for some days (as I said earlier), I'm not happy about it but I can't do anything about it. I'll also be taking him to activities. So it's not like I plan on wrapping him in bubble wrap..

Lashas can you please stop using the words damaging or harmful.

Nolim I was asked about my opinion on the matter and my opinion is it can cause potential harm. Don't see why that bothers you

I don't think there is an "ideal". potentially my ideal would be me working p/t, with oodles of support from other family members (esp in holidays) a cleaner and my DH working with a short commute and there is always someone close around for the kids. But that's my ideal. reality isn't like that for me and I've learnt everybody's life is different. So you don't judge. I've worked p/t 4 days with DS in nursery (long days... For him) when dd came along our life was different We'd moved to the country DP worked closer my next door neighbour child minded and I worked 3 days . Life changed again... I was made redundant, DH changed jobs with a 4hr daily commute, our nearest family is 2hrs away, so now I am a SAHM. In a few years I'm sure it will all change again... As long as the DC are happy and secure.

I think SAHP is best for child, but not always best for adults. Therein lies the choice people have to make.

No - you said you would consider one to be selfish, and implied you would consider the other not to be selfish. Which in turn implies an idea of difference of harm.

I think you've seen the trouble with setting up an absolute statement - ie 'I think parents who work full time if they don't have to are selfish' - without thinking through the implications behind it. You shouldn't be surprised when you're challenged on those sorts of statements, and are asked to explain the thinking behind them.

I think you also may find you've quite a bit to learn about how easy or otherwise, in a multitude of ways, it is to 'go part time', and the long-term implications of that choice.

I think the bigger question should be what is best for the family, not just what is best for the children? Their needs are not the be all and end all. I work pt now, but can tell you that if I'd been a SAHM it wouldn't make me a better parent - quite the opposite.
Children need to learn they are part of a bigger picture. Watching the DC in the first few weeks of primary school whose mothers had stayed home confirmed that to me.

Woah mums I've just got back from sports day and I think it's gonna take me a while to get through all your responses but I can't wait to see your opinions x

What do you mean by "watching the sahm in first few weeks of school" CP ?

What's beneficial to children is that they grow up in a happy, secure, environment knowing that they are loved and are taught both to be kind & considerate to others and have confidence in themselves & their own abilities.

How that is achieved is not especially important. My eldest DCs are teenagers. They have lovely, well adjusted, peers from all manner of households (same applies to anti-social horror teens). Some went to FT nursery, some didn't spend a day away from their parents until Reception, some had both parents at home, some lived with just one parent, one lived with his GPs. You can have working parents who aren't benefitting their DCs and you can have SAHP who aren't benefitting their DCs.

It's horses for courses really isn't it?

It has been proven that young children, in nursery, have higher levels of stress hormones. BUT if you can't handle being at home then it's better to go to work as an unhappy parent=unhappy child.

i don't know but i know i could not be a stay at home mother strange label anyway. I would loose all my confidence (happened after I had dc2 and I was on extended maternity leave for 18months). For me p/t work is best as I feel i can use my brain and my training. I am forgoing dc3 because I would hate to be bound to the house / playgroups / cleaning / shopping all the time, it would finish me off.I have trained a long time to have a good profession which enables me to work p/t but still have responsibility in my job. the dc do grow up quickly and I think sending them to a very good nursery 2-3 days a week from 12 months or so benefits them and the parents. I want to be able to pick my dc from school at least half of the time, dh works from home 1-2 days a week so we have covered it between us with no need for any childminders for the eldest. For us as a family striving, learning and partaking in ones community is very important, I could not be me if I had no job. I also could not or would not want to work f-t.

re medical school....... do it. Can you still do it after your next dc?