What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

You can still spend plenty of time supporting your child and working.

This is a good, informative article
www.momnewsdaily.com/study-found-working-moms-not-parenting-sahm-parenting-too-much/

Terry but then you're only seeing them in evenings and weekends. I'd never take the choice off people, but for me, the thought of someone else reading to him, cuddling him when he falls down, calming him down when he's upset, seeing him smile goes through me - it should be me doing it. I don't like the idea of having kids and then giving them to someone else to look after

Terry but then you're only seeing them in evenings and weekends. I'd never take the choice off people, but for me, the thought of someone else reading to him, cuddling him when he falls down, calming him down when he's upset, seeing him smile goes through me - it should be me doing it.

So... how does your partner feel?

Solas, I saw that earlier today and meant to post it! Genius.

Jassy we have a weird situation meaning we don't live together in the week so he isn't available to do those things in the week

Lashes. I have a 17 year old and a 13 year old. You are judging me at the ages of 21 as to why I chose to work full time? What on earth has it got to do with you

I could judge you and say your partner should be living with you all week but of course your situation is different....

My point being - what would you do if he wanted to be a SAHP and for you to be the breadwinner? You would still be missing those things that you don't want to miss.

Hillingdon of course you could. But this thread specifically asked for opinions. It's not like I just decided to start saying my opinion in an inappropriate place.

If a topic about partners living together came up you'd be perfectly fine to say that you think it's wrong or whatever for a couple to not live with each other in the week.

Jassy - there would have to be a discussion about who would be the SAHP, whether we could both work part time. Personally I've always wanted to work part time and stay home, so if he was the SAHP and I had to work full time, I'd be upset. That's just me though nothing against stay at home dads.

Lashes, you asked much earlier in the thread what the issue with part time work is. Well, firstly, you have to negotiate it. While a lot of companies declare themselves to be "family friendly" and support flexible working, the reality is that if your particular boss is not up for it, then it's not happening. I have several friends who are in teaching (a profession that many think it is easy to "just go part time" in) who have had part time requests flatly turned down.

For those whose employers deign to grant part time work, there is then an issue of how you are viewed by management and by other colleagues. In most professions, you would be overlooked for promotions. In addition to this, you're basically a second class citizen at work. I'll give my own particular circumstances as an example, but I'm sure that many others can also relate. I work 4 days per week, and while my actual caseload may be adjusted accordingly, I have the same number of duties as my full-time colleagues. By duties, I mean I am the "duty manager" one day per week, as are the other managers. This takes up 25% of my working week, and 20% of theirs. We also have a rota for being on call at weekends - guess how often I'm on it? Yep, the same as everyone else who is full time. I attend the same training events, meetings, etc, which again take up a greater proportion of my working week. None of this is acknowledged when allocating other work. The disproportionate effects of training days, etc, was raised recently and the response was "well, they want to be part time, it suits their lifestyle, they can't have everything". While I don't want to increase to full time hours, I can see why some people would think "you know what, I'm doing as much work as my full time colleagues, I might as well be being paid for it".

In the nicest possible way, you are coming across as quite naive and also very reliant on your own personal childhood experiences in forming your views about how things should be done. Your anxieties as a child sound very distressing, but that doesn't mean that your own child will have the same issues. You will also probably find that the realities of parenthood are wildly different to what you are imagining. They certainly were for me and everyone else I know - not in a bad way, but in terms of thinking/doing things in a completely different way once the baby is here.

Lashes, just wait until you actually experience real life before you start throwing out insulting comments about working parents.

I don't have to work. I could live off my partner. I could have down graded my plans to get the boys into private schools, I could have decided a week camping would be my annual holiday. But I didn't...

And I don't have one minute of regret.

Yes, and that's understandable - but it's selfish desire, isn't it? It's about how you feel, not about what's necessarily best for your kid.

The truth is that most decisions we make for our families are a lot more complicated than 'best for the children' or 'best for the parent'. Because families and their dynamics are a lot more complicated and much greater than the sum of their component parts.

Lashes talks in an ideal way about part time work as though it's a choice for all. You need to earn the right to apply for it otherwise you really will end up with a low paid perhaps zero hours job. You are far too young with no experience to know this. Give it 15 years and let's see what you say!

Hillingdon if you just want to say patronising comments instead of debate, do it somewhere else

Jassy, that particular reason is a combination. Part of it is selfish, the other side of it is I genuinely believe it would be better for him to have his parents or family members taking the time off. The selfishness would be me saying I want it more than my partner or something.

Elizabeth, agree to some extent about part time work. You essentially get full time work for less pay and people sneering because you supposedly have the easy job. As for promotions again true, personally I'm not career minded so not s concern for me

I don't like the idea of having kids and then giving them to someone else to look after

Really? I only had a child so I could hand her over to someone else 5 days a week.

Your naivety is sweet but grating. Them judgypants are hoiked right up to your ears eh?

Jorah I've already talked about blow needing to work is different.

I don't think I'm being judgemental. Judgemental would be me telling people who work they're horrible people, or constantly telling them my way is better, which I don't do. If they ASKED then I'd be honest but I don't force my opinion on people. To me that's not judgemental

Lashes you don't get to tell people what they can and can't say on thread.

It's a shame really because I'd love to tell you to stop calling people selfish for ridiculous and spurious reasons but I can't.

You are judging people, fine do it but don't delude yourself that youre not a judgemental person when you clearly are.

I'm not career minded either, I work to live and have no desire to go any higher up the ladder than I am now. Some people are though, and this will definitely factor in to a decision about whether to return to full time work after children, or whether to request part time or leave work altogether. They may well be in a financial position to not have to work full time, but choose to do so because of the benefits that will come years down the line - benefits that their whole family will enjoy. I don't just mean financial benefits, but the happiness/fulfillment that they could get. In your words, they are selfish if they are working any more than they "need" to once they have had children.

I could argue that I don't "need" to work as, taking into account childcare costs, I would only be a couple of hundred pounds a month worse off if I was on benefits. Am I selfish for continuing to work? A family member of mine has not worked for years and completely takes advantage of the tax credits system to be a SAHM. Is she selfish?

Terry there's a difference between having an opinion (that's a selfish thing) and judging someone (omg what a horrible person how could they do that!!! Better go tell them!)

Judge away but don't be disingenuous and pretend you're not. You are judging.

Elizabeth about benefits I think that's a bit different as playing the system really ruins it for those who have no choice

Jorah is every opinion judging then? If I see an outfit I dislike or someone uses a word I think is vulgar am I judging? If that's your definition I don't see how you can have an opinion without being judgemental

In my view being judgemental is when you're rude about someone else's choices. Which isn't the same as giving your opinion when asked, and keeping quiet about it when not

To say that someone is selfish for choosing to work is judgemental.

Jorah only if you're saying that when no one has asked. The thread asked.