What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

Drying, what also interested me in that Harvard study as well as the effect on daughters was the effect on sons - no impact on their careers (men are traditionally expected to work) but they take a more equal role in the home, including housework and crucially I think childcare.

Which is, frankly, brilliant. For those sons, for their future partners, for their future children and for equality in general - the more men who see childcare and the home as an equal sphere, the more equal deal women are likely to get in the workplace.

(Disclaimer: am mother of 1.6 sons.)

Squizita I don't see what's illogical about me stating my opinion, stating several times that I'm not forcing my opinion on others and that others are welcome to act as they wish. I haven't said that my opinion is the only right way - simply that it is how I feel.

By the way attempting to be condescending doesn't get your point across, it just makes you look like you're doing point scoring. You seem like quite an intelligent person so I'm surprised you've decided to do that.

Again I haven't said work isn't important - if nobody worked we wouldn't have doctors or police, I fully agree with you

Jassy I don't mind having my opinion challenged but when people repeatedly bring up the same points or cba to read previous posts it's annoying.

Well, when you don't respond to the points they've raised properly, you can understand why they might repeat it.

Based on what you've said on this thread, the premises on which you e based your opinion are logically flawed. This has been pointed out to you a number of times, in a number of ways.

Simply repeating 'it's my opinion, it's just how I feel' doesn't make it less logically flawed. And it's not an effective response to a challenge of the assumptions underlying that opinion.

Almost all of us hold illogical opinions. It's good and healthy to learn to recognise that and analyse one's own opinions - and ultimately be prepared to re-evaluate and change them if they turn out to be wrong.

Your lack of self awareness is staggering. You've basically told me I am winding you up in the exact way everyone else is experiencing your posts.

I know the most galling thing for a younger adult is to feel patronised but frankly I/we have "been there" and you have not yet. The reason I am being very blunt is because your replies seem oblivious to, or lacking understanding of, subtle posts (e.g. The misunderstanding re social). At the same time you yourself use blunt and bold language which insults good parents like "selfish".

Oh and don't try patronising me back. I might be coming across as a bit harsh but given people have commented on your lack of relevant experience, it makes you look pretty oblivious and baselessly arrogant.

"If you're going to insult someone's intelligence, it also makes sense to grammar check the sentence."

, no can't be bothered, am on my phone and only half focusing. Sorry but your last comment just confirms my impression of someone who has a hard time processing. Also I was not insulting your intelligence, purely stating my impression of you based on your posts. Thats all i can go by.

The question of the OP is daft and so are all your replies Lashes. I think you are being disingenuous. Of course you are judgemental. Not seeing that yourself is quite disconcerting but I'm sure you have your own reasons for not being able to see that.

Lashes i hope that looking after your dc fulfills you as much as you expect. It is not always the case. Tbh you are set up on one opinion based on you own experience as a child but your opinion may change as a parent.

I think I know which of my sahm categories you'll be fitting into lashes

Seriously though, you need to be a big more open minded about parenting and your expectations otherwise you're setting yourself up for a huge fall. I thought I was going to be wafting around farmers markets in white linen or collecting wild flowers to put in a flower press when I was pg with my first

Squitiza I have ADHD and suspected mild ASD, so I apologise if I'm misinterpreting the subtle posts and appearing blunt. I am being serious when I say it's not my intention to offend.

I don't think that you have to have been there yourself to have an opinion on something - I've never had my human rights amused in Guantanamo bay but I have an opinion on it. Is this so different?

Jassy I don't agree that it's logically flawed. I've said that I think that if when they've weighed it up, families who could(realistically, so we're not talking about being on benefits) spend more time together choose not to, that is selfish.

I accept there are exceptions, I accept there is an element of subjectivity when deciding what is reasonable. But on the whole I dong see the problem with that

Connie, which one? Lol I'm curious

I don't have that many expectations, I like to try and ensure that all eventualities are covered. Just for me at least, the "ideal" would be working part time so I can spend time with my son.

You don't want to hear the problems with your argument - that's fine.

They've been repeated ad nauseam, which seems to bother you, so I shan't trouble you with them again as it will clearly make no impact.

I don't think that you have to have been there yourself to have an opinion on something - I've never had my human rights amused in Guantanamo bay but I have an opinion on it.

No, but your opinion won't hold the same weight as that of someone who has experienced it. Exactly the same applies here. It's all well and good to say 'this will happen, I'll want this, I'll want that' - you have no idea how hormones, god forbid PND, etc etc will change your mind, and you may find yourself regretting calling those who like to work selfish.

Jassy I just don't agree with them. If you're going down the "what is reasonable? It's all subjective" route then why debate about anything because there is always an element of subjectivity

Jorah, in my case ive taken a year out so I have no choice but to be a SAHP for at least a little while (I'm a student also). Will I feel differently? Who knows. As it stands I can't imagine anything nicer than spending time with my son.

Trying to decide if I'm selfish or not by Lashes criteria.

Both Dh and I are higher rate tax payers. We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I work 3 days. He works flexibly (and so can pick dd up straight from school once a week and then get ds early from nursery).

But we could afford for at least one of us to work less. Or even stop work.

But we both enjoy our jobs (mostly anyway) and we both work in industries that once out it would be very hard to get back into. Also the company I work for is currently going through the 8th re-structure in the 14 years I have been there. And Dh has already been made redundant once in the last few years and his current job only pays statutory redundancy.

We are working for the security, to future proof our careers, because we enjoy it and because we enjoy - and our children enjoy - the luxuries that our job provides. And sometimes I go to work just for the sheer joy of being able to go to the toilet all by myself and there not be any banging on the door, suspicious crashes from the playroom or small voices screeching at me to come right now!

I think everybody KNOWS what is best for their family and their children (not the same solution for everybody). Some people are able to just do what they know is best and others struggle because there is a doubt in their heads. I'm comfortable with the way we have chosen to look after our family. It is the best way we can do it. Others who do things differently are also happy and confident. It is not whether you stay at home or work that is the problem. It is whether you have done the right thing for you and your family that matters. What I'm trying to say is - people should not be swayed by what others think they should do. It is such a fundamental decision.

re: Guantanamo Bay.

What Jorah is trying to say is that on this site you have the equivalent of 4 people who were held there, 3 people who lost family members in 9/11, a couple of human right lawyers, the American equivalent of the Home Secretary and a soldier who served in Afghanistan.

And we are all managing to discuss the issue whilst respecting each other's point of view.

And then you come in - having read a couple of books on the subject - and are absolutely sure that your way is correct.

Mumoftwoyoingkids - no I don't think that's selfish. You work but you've fitted it in around your kids, that was what I originally said was my ideal (again my opinion) so to me that sounds great. You have a job you enjoy and you also get to spend time with your kids - awesome

Mumoftwoyoungkids - I haven't said my way is right, I've said several times that I don't think people should do what I think is right just because I've said it. I don't think people can distinguish between having an opinion and forcing it on others - I'd never force it on anyone. I mean while I may think "I wouldn't do that" in someone else's situation that doesn't mean I automatically think they SHOULD do what I do. Probably haven't explained that properly at all

But I could spend more time with my children. As could Dh. Surely that makes us selfish?

The thing is, I could've taken a year out. I didn't. Does that make me selfish? By what you've said so far on here, it certainly does.

As it stands I can't imagine anything nicer than spending time with my son.

The day after uni finished, I started my FT job.

That doesn't mean that spending time with DD isn't my favourite thing in the world.

I like my children, but I don't/didn't really like 'spending time' with them as babies as they didn't do anything!

But you have defined those who choose differently as selfish. It's a very emotive word that has the power to hurt people greatly. And, as I said, you are still very much a civilian in this war.

Children actually need you more as they grow up not less. As wonderful as it is enjoying your child's babyhood and early childhood the real test comes later, and I do think having at least one parent at home to listen, support, cook home made healthy dinners, help with homework and essentially be there for them is completely essential. They need so much support as they grow up that much is true.
There is no one in the world who is going to love and care for your child more than you or your dh/dp. It is not always possible for every parent to be at home and many just can not be for financial reasons, but if you have the choice surely the needs of the child have to come first...and they want you more than anything in the world and not the hired help trust me.

Mumoftwoyoungkids I haven't said that someone should spend ALL their time with their kids