I am on day 3 of No Shouting.

[MyCrazyLife]

And I'm so bloody proud of myself!

I hated myself sometimes; I've got three lovely children (5, 3 and 1) and yet I got to the point where I was screaming at them regularly. Ok so in my "defence" it's the holidays, they fight and wind each other up constantly, I get very bad PMT.

But on the other hand, my horrible, abusive mother used to shout and scream at me, everything was my fault, and she would end saying things like "you should be ashamed" ... "You are a horrible bitch that no one likes" etc etc (things that to this day still affect me).

Now I never got that far with my own DC of course; they are all so loved and wanted. But I was terrified I'd turn into her. So after having a horrible day last Thursday, I vowed to stop shouting. They will still be disciplined if naughty, of course - with the Silly Step or toy confiscation etc - but I won't take out my own frustrations on them.

It's the third day, they're all asleep and I haven't shouted since that Thursday. I never thought I'd be able to do this, really hope I can keep it up. If I can, they may never remember the awful screeching mum they used to have.

Anybody else managed to stop?

Bicnod - I've posted on stately homes about DM before - everything is always about her and she's never respected any boundaries and still thinks she can say what she wants to me. I'm determined that I will not do the same to my DC. This morning should've been motivation enough to not horrify DD1 into doing what I wanted her to do.

Missing my child-free life today I have to say. We're into fussy evening stage with DD2 (4 weeks - being driven round the block by DH as we speak) so I'm pining for mid week spontaneous drinks and lie-ins and no real responsibility. And then of course I feel guilty!!

I too think that we must all be half way there by feeling so conscious of our own behaviours.

One thing I think is important to remember as well is that people do lose their rag occasionally. It's normal and healthy to have a range of emotions. Its obviously more complicated than that but I think it would be wrong to suppress all anger all the time. I suppose it's more about keeping things in perspective.....

I've been really good all morning with a challenging older child who blatantly ignored my requests to stay in the buggy. I even managed to calmly replace said child in the buggy whilst I was screamed at constantly.

But then I shouted at dc1 for belting the living daylights out of dc2 over not playing with a massive cardboard box properly. I think dc2 tore it a bit. Poor child. I did feel guilty for shouting but reactions to acts of violence don't count as actual shouting, do they?

MAT1B my MIL also thinks I'm too soft and I've told I need to "break it out of them" and this is why she never babysits them unless they are in bed because I don't want her to take the decision that she will break their behaviour out of them. We've already fallen out in the past over a couple of things. I won't say as I might out myself. A lot of the issues are due to it being a generational thing which doesn't excuse it but it does help me try to understand, albeit very briefly. For about a millisecond. Then I think she should lighten up and leave the disciplining down to us and not get involved.

I've done ok. I snapped 'no' at DD as she had run into the lounge covered in gingerbread dough and was bending down to wipe it on the carpet. I recovered with 'come with me and I'll run you some nice clean water to wash with' but I did shout the no.

I am really pleased with how I am doing but I honestly wonder if it is possible to live with a two year old and not raise one's voice at all? There always seems to be a situation where they are about to do something dangerous or destructive and you don't have time to get across the room to talk to them.

I rarely see my mother. I can't really forget about how she was when we were children. The anger and the hitting and the absolute commitment to 'my way or the high way'. I just can't stand the thought that my own DCs could reflect back on their childhood in the same way if I don't stick with the no shouting.

Today was hard work. I managed not to shout, but I was very snappy. The boys seemed to wake up fighting then fought, whined and moaned their way through the day. DS2 managed to give me a fat lip by headbutting me while throwing his head backwards during a tantrum (about whose turn it was to play with the playmobil pirate ). I cried but managed not to lose my rag.

Anyway - onwards and upwards - they are both asleep, we ended the day on a positive note and tomorrow is a brand new day.

MomeRaths - I have found this thread has really helped me to understand that I was shouting because it was how I was brought up, not because I am fundamentally and deep within my soul a shouter! It is very very liberating to accept and start to believe that these are learned behaviours that I can change, rather than being an unchangeable part of my personality.

MATB1 - my Mum used to draw herself up to full height, open her eyes wide and let rip. I still remember the look on her face when she was going for it. She could never ever deal with any kind of stress in any way other than yelling. I spent a lot of my childhood being told I was difficult, what's wrong with you, etc etc. Definitely agree with you that children need to see a range of emotions (so I'm not feeling too guilty about crying in front of DS2 this morning after he hurt me!). I really want my boys to be able to regulate their own emotions effectively. I can already see with a calmer mummy they are able to calm themselves down more quickly when they get upset.

I know what you mean about missing the child free life - I am just beginning to get my life back as DS1 is at school and DS2 is starting preschool in September. It'll be back to square one in December when DC3 rocks up! But all worth it - they are delicious and gorgeous and scrumptious, and I know when they're all running off with their mates when they're teenagers I'll be missing the clutching cuddles and constant demands of the early years.

Pasta - I don't think never raising your voice is achievable with small children - well it's not for me anyway! My main aim is to achieve a calmer environment and to make sure I don't lose my rag with them/lose control of myself/scream at them.

Shit few days. Been at parents who have paid no interest in my children and have clearly not even enjoyed having them. They have zero patience which helped me initially but I lost it at DC1&2 this evening when they wouldn't go to sleep.

Have decided I'm not going to visit my parents for a long time. The things they have come out with have been

Home tomorrow as early as I can when hopefully I'll be calmer again. 2 days of being in the same house as my parents just leaves me feeling so shit. And it's wrong that I took it all out on the DC.

Oh buffers, for you. Bloody parents. Don't beat yourself up, it is so so hard to remain calm while immersed in someone else's stressful environment. You will feel so much better once you're home, I promise.

Thanks Bicnod. I'll take the
Luckily we live 2.5 hrs away from them and the in-laws are in another country! Have decided I'm 'happy' for the parents to visit us but I'm not coming here again until the children are a lot older. My parents are in their early 70s tho and my DC are 5,4 and 2 so I guess it's just an age thing really. Shame as my children are going to grow up without a meaningful relationship with any of their Grandparents. Mind you neither did I and I'm not too scarred!
Hope you're feeling better after your day too. Here's one back just in case

Bingo I'd have snapped if my DC1 had hurt DC2. You'd be keeping your cool all day. I sometimes feel like a jug that fills up with stresses and strains and I need to realise when I'm almost full and try and empty it without exploding iyswim?

Pasta just a loud 'no' is ok. You're doing amazingly with a 2 year old. Your Mother sounds like mine. It was a style of parenting I don't want to repeat. When something comes out of my mouth or I loose my cool, I always always feel guilty and loathe myself for even remotely being similar to my parents. Desperate to be different.

Bicnod your poor lip. Well done for not shouting! This thread is great.

Oh buffers I think being with parents with zero patience like mine means you're constantly trying to diffuse situations so the DCs aren't shouted at by their GCs, you also want to avoid criticism and show your parents you can parent well and create happy memories for the kids with the GCs. At least I do. The pressure and stress really builds and if my parents showed no interest either I'd be a bubbling cauldron of emotions. It would leak out. So glad you're going home tomorrow. I know you must be feeling guilty but try and let go. Tomorrows a new day. Love your kids and enjoy the calmer environment once home x

As for me I got cross in the car as DD wasn't listening but all I kept thinking after was that I can't control what my DCs do but I can choose how to react and everyone makes mistakes. I want to love more, yell less and I never want my kids to feel how I did growing up. It wasn't a full on yell more an exasperated lecture but I know it made her feel rotten. So I tried to even the rest of the day out with lots of love and praise.

Well I've proved to myself that the more tired I am the more I'm likely to cave and shout - I know, it's an amazing revelation, isn't it

Poor Ds1 copped it this evening - he's got into a very bad snatchy habit with the tablets, something I'm discouraging because a) it's very rude, b) they're more likely to get dropped on the floor, c) I'm trying to stop DS2 doing it and d) I've just had to pay out $70 for a new charger cable thanks to the previous one being all busted up by careless handling and don't want to do it again!
So, my tablet was on charge and it has a short cable, so can't be moved - he asked me once if he could have the tablet, I said no. Then a couple of minutes later he reached across me to grab it, which would have strained the cable, saying at the same time "can you get the tablet nearer to me Mummy?" So I shouted "NO! I've already said no, why do you need to be told more than once? and don't snatch!"

Argh. I then realised I needed to have a sleep so parked DS2 in the playpen for a bit (I knew DH would be home within 10 minutes) and left DS1 in the same room as him (he's always fine, he knows he can come and get me if he needs to) and slunk off for a kip. Sadly it wasn't quite long enough but I did feel less snappy when I woke up.

This is HARD - it's a lifetime of being a hot tempered sort of person, and having to change that after 40+ years is not easy! :(

Definitely tiredness for me too thumbwitch up in the night with the baby and then DD appearing between 6 and 6.30 with DH away. It's just horrendous how crabby it makes you feel isn't it?

I find through trying so hard not to shout I am identifying the worst points in the day and trying to head them off with a coffee or some fresh air as they approach.

Not ideal but better than giving into the tiredness and getting snappy and shouty.

Well, it's working for now anyway..... Another week until DH is home and we go on holiday. He flies back in the same day we leave so I have to do all the packing and loading of the car myself. I just didn't think I could do it without shouting so I've arranged for my lovely friend to come and help out by distracting for a couple of hours on the morning.

Hello all, went away for a few days and this thread dropped off my TIO.

could have really used it these past couple of days, I've been awful I think just getting to the end of the school holidays, I've had enough of the permanent happy...Right! What shall we do today?!....

I had to get everything sorted after camping, and they just wouldn't play nicely while I got on with it.

I've been snappy, shouty and moody :( and lo and behold so have they!

Back on track so far today though.

Pasta - you're doing better than I am then, with identifying trigger times of the day! Well done.
It's a bugger dealing with them by yourself, isn't it - DH was also away at the beginning of this week (only a couple of nights this week, but last week it was 5 nights from Friday to Weds!) - I don't mind so much in school holidays because there aren't Scheduled Things that need me to marshal them both for (like school, activities etc.) We have a much calmer time in the holidays (for now - I can see that changing as DS2 gets bigger - gah!)

Keep on keeping on, Liberal - not long to go...

Confession: I shouted/snapped at DD (aged 4) yesterday when she completely ignored me when I asked her to do something. (Having them ignore me is one of the things that drives me nuts.) I'd just got in from work and had to bathe them both before bed. DD flounced off and wailed that she wasn't my friend. I immediately apologised and we had a cuddle.

It did make me think, though, that in a few years she won't be so forgiving. It's so important to sort this out now :(

Things that make me more likely to shout:

1. Being tired
2. Having stuff on my mind
3. Trying to do several things at once (including, I'm ashamed to say, checking my phone - have stopped looking at it when I'm with the DCs!)
4. DCs fighting, and especially DD (4) hitting or scratching DS (3)
5. DCs ignoring me until I shout (if I completely stopped shouting, I bet this would improve)
6. Having already shouted a lot, and sort of given up on trying not to shout and hoping that tomorrow will be better ...

Thank God we've had a better day today, I'm back in the 'being at home' routine, and have kept them busy, house is a bloody tip mind

I'm opening the wine in half hour, bollocks that it's only Thursday!

That's really good owl I do that too, intend to just check my messages, then before I know it the kids are going crazy in the next room and 15 minutes have passed, talking of which...........

You're giving me food for thought ladies, I will do my best to join you, DS (almost 7) is being very difficult at times particularly over getting dressed and its the sheer every-bloddy-day-ness of it thats getting to me.
I am ashamed to admit that today my throat was sore by the time I left the house.

I need to stop shouting. I've turned into the angry, shouty mum and it's horrible. Life is very stressful just now but it's not DS' fault (although he can be difficult but I guess, really, he's just being a child and probably responding to the stressed atmosphere).

I'm going to try to identify my triggers as monsterowl did above.

I haven't shouted today. BUT I've been vile to my children. The stay at my parents put me on a complete downer and I've taken it out on them. We're back home now though.
I even said "no I don't" really nastily when DS1 asked me if I wanted to look at some lego he'd built. When he laughed in my face when I told him to stop trying to pull DS2 off his booster seat, I just picked him up, threw him up the stairs and told him I didn't want to see him again.
Hoping a good sleep, cuddles with DH and a will set me up for tomorrow.
DD1 bouncing a fit ball in my head whilst I'm typing this message hasn't helped. I nearly threw it straight back at her but did manage to stop myself.
Tomorrow is another day. I will be a better Mum. I can't be much worse let's face it.

Urgh Buffers I hear you, we're only human you know, and everyone has bad days.

Hello all - this thread is very inspiring. Can I join you? I have just broken my new (inspired by this thread) no-shouting rule very spectacularly and hate myself for it. DS is 5 and is a hitter and kicker when he gets tired or angry. I was doing quite a good job of ignoring him, staying calm etc but to get my attention he threw a pair of his trainers at my head repeatedly. I'm afraid I shouted very very loudly.

Perhaps those of us on the thread with hitters and kickers should trade tips?

Thanks Liberal. Just feeling sorry for myself. I'll be fine tomorrow. We're meeting friends at the Pirate Park so it should be a fun day

NearlySchoolTime welcome! I think shouting when you've had trainers thrown at you is completely acceptable. Fear not - I've shouted for far less

Welcome Nearly I've not got a hitter/kicker just a verbal abuser! Sure there's some on here in the same boat though ?

Just re read last nights post. You can tell I'm tired, it's full of typos. I said GCs instead of GPs and that's just for starters. I hope you could translate it ok.

Yes Thumbwitch it is hard, well done for walking away and taking a nap. It sounds like you're recognising your triggers and trying to deal with them. I need to make sure I get more sleep. I always seem to think 'I'll be fine'. I'm not though!

Pasta you sound like you're doing so well. Great idea to have the friend over whilst packing.

Liberal hello! I'm new to the thread. Glad your day went well. I also have a glass of wine to hand now

Yes Monster those 6 points are also flash points for me.

Hello hillyhilly I've had days like that and the more guilty and rubbish I feel about the day, the more grumpy I become. Hope you've opened a glass of wine and can relax. Tomorrow's a new day, as the saying goes. It can only get better.

Hello BookABoo one step at a time. Even if it's only 2 hours before you shout tomorrow, it's still progress. And then you can aim for 3 next time. It's so hard.

Oh buffers I too have had days like that. I'm so sorry. Don't go and stay at your parents again. It's clearly not good for you emotionally.
Enjoy pirate park tomorrow, it sounds like it's just what you need.

Hello nearlyschooltime no advice but I hear you and understand. DS has ASD and used to do things like that, he's improved a lot in the last year with time outs, long chats and consistency. Being hurt by a DC definitely makes the red mist descend for me.

As for my day, well despite being stuck in awful traffic on the M25 this morning and very late for DDs Playscheme and therefore work. I surprised myself and didn't get cross! I struggle to regulate my emotions under stress and worry my kids are learning to do the same. I did tell them off for squabbling this morning but I don't think I yelled. This evening was quite relaxed and despite a trip to Aldi (a definite trigger for me if they play up) I kept my cool.

Does anyone else make a point of apologising to their kids if they feel they handled things wrong? I do. But maybe more so as my parents never apologised growing up.

Evening all and welcome new people!

Today was going so well until dc1 decided to jump on me whilst I was cleaning. He really hurt me. I did blurt out "GEROFF". I also did yell like crazy when dc1 disappeared off at the park at a million miles per hour and was not listening when I was saying to not go any further.

Aside from that it's been an ok day. Got out the house which helps. Gave the DC a new activity, well empty cereal boxes to play with, which meant they were occupied for quite awhile with no squabbling.

Still trying to identify my triggers because at the moment it's life that is the trigger! However I am managing to sometimes think before I let rip. Lately I'm able to stop myself mostly. I've also noticed that my eldest is becoming very shouty and I don't like it. I don't like the impact my behaviour is having on him.